Hey everybody! Thanks for taking the time to come read my fic - this is a one-shot i wrote which runs alongside a bigger story I was working on. Relena's a character that GW fans seem to love or hate - I thought it would be interesting to look at her thoughts and feelings, especially as she changes so much from the spoilt girl at the beginning, to world leader. War is a subject that touches everyone's life at some point, directly or indirectly, and in my other fic I was looking at the economical and political effects it would have - when really it's in the emotions of the people who were involved that the story lies. Hope you enjoy.

I apologize in advance for my useless paragraphing skills...lol

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Late that night Relena perched in front of her computer monitor, scanning the e-mail it displayed. The room was dark around her, light from the computer screen highlighting her face in a strange way; taking away all the care and pain and leaving a childlike innocence. It was an illusion of the childhood that had been cruelly torn away from her. The true innocence had been stolen; vanishing with the realization that her entire life had been a lie. And now the world believed she was the only person with the ability to fix the ravages of war. In front of the people she remained the perfect idol, the untainted dove of peace, but when she was alone she let the façade drop. The hands of tragedy had played with her life from before she could recall.

She had not realized that the childhood memories of calling for help and nobody coming and the nightmares of screaming in pain as flames crawled across her body were not mere imaginings, but true events. She had always felt that she was not and could not be like everyone else. After all, she wasn't even the person she had believed herself to be for most of her life.

Now the death of her father and the atrocities she had seen committed during the war came back to haunt her, often combining in new and terrifying ways to make her dreams a frightening place to be. The nightmares had woken her, screaming, at first but Relena couldn't afford to let people know that she was not as perfect and untouched, as they believed her to be.

She understood it; they needed her hope and her wishes for a brighter future while they sorted through their own horrors. She understood...and she would sacrifice herself and her sanity for the sake of all those who needed her strength. Now she preferred not to sleep at all, working herself to collapse to make a difference in the world. When she needed to sleep, a doctor discreetly provided her with drugs that were guaranteed to give her a dreamless sleep. She had always hated drugs and she hated herself for submitting to them but she could not be weak when the people needed her to be strong. As long as she appeared strong on the surface the people could use her for support. She would be strong for them, even if she were crumbling inside.

But, sometimes, when she was alone, Relena allowed herself to be selfish. She allowed herself to think about what she had lost and mourn for it. But this selfishness was confined only to a few hours at night when she couldn't sleep, and she refused to take the drugs except as a last resort. Without them, if she slept the nightmares would come again. So she filled everyday with work to the point of exhaustion and beyond, staying awake until she knew she would be too tired to dream.

She treasured the hours she had alone as a chance to acknowledge her weakness, a chance to admit that she couldn't keep going like this forever...even her hope was finite. And some days, it just seemed like she would have to keep fighting forever. She was so tired of fighting for ideals that seemed empty in the face of so much human suffering. She was so tired of being strong.

Now, she felt she could understand the Gundam pilots to a certain degree; how they constantly sacrificed themselves for the sake of the colonies. Even when the colonies betrayed them, they had continued to fight for what they believed in, looking for answers in a confusing world and a war that could offer neither answers nor salvation. She understood their sorrow as they shed blood for the sake of a dream. A dream that had now been realized, but now had to be maintained. After watching them, Relena knew she must keep fighting for peace for, even if the war for the Gundam pilots was over, for her it was only beginning and she wouldn't let their sacrifices go to waste. She wouldn't let the peace fail, if force of will alone could hold it together and prevent the cracks from becoming visible. To win she had to remain hopeful, remain strong, even if it was a lie.

If the people needed a figurehead, she would be whatever was required, but she allowed herself these bare few hours to feel self-pity and be the demanding child she never allowed herself to be in public. The teddy bear clutched to her chest was the only other sign of failure she allowed, and with it she looked more like the child she had been before her father died than the adult she was expected to be after his assassination. The bear held so many memories, mostly painful ones of the destruction of childhood and life...the loss of innocence and the death of kindness in a world filled with mourners who had felt the acuteness of the pain of losing someone special to the war. They were remembered as brave soldiers who had gladly given their lives for the sake of peace...Relena knew it was a lie. Those who fought may have been fighting to protect something: their families or a naïve ideal of peace, but they had not given their lives freely. Instead the machine of war had cruelly stolen their lives.

She knew that in the blast from a beam cannon or the vicious heat of an explosion every man was reduced to little more than a child frightened of the dark. In the end, every human was the same, but still they fought and maimed and killed and died.

They didn't want to die, but they were never given a choice. Those who died remained only as names on a roster and in the memories of the loved ones they had left behind. A number of bodies had never been found, so they didn't even receive the honour of a final, laying to peace. They deserved an apology and a thank you for the peace that the world and the colonies had eventually obtained. Their children would never have to fight and die like they had, if Relena could possibly prevent it. For that, she would give everything.

How could an object, such as the bear, which had seen so much suffering, remain a source of comfort to her? She treasured the memories of those who had died, and treasured the hope that the bear represented. An end to war, an end to killing and the hope that people scarred by war could survive in the new era of peace. Human beings were adaptable, the reason why they had survived when other species had not. Adaptability, and the will to survive, the indomitable human will, which would not be broken. And if a soldier like Heero could find hope in the future then Relena could believe that, somehow, they would be able to deal with the aftermath.

They would survive and they would not forget. Their memories would make them stronger for a better future.

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Thanx for reading. I'm aware that the narrative was very slow and repetitive at times, but I was trying to follow how someone's thoughts would work, and they tend to wander a little, so I was probably less strict in the editing than I should have been (This is almost exactly my first draft)

Anyway, please let me know what you think, whether you loved it or hated it, but please criticize constructively and not nastily or i'll probably run away and hide in my cupboard again :s

Please don't throw rotten fruit of any kind :o) But do feel free to e-mail me! I'd love to hear from you!

Chrikaru