Three: The Closet of Doom
* * *
Ruthie Camden was a clever little girl. Oh, yes, clever. Where Ben was, well, special, Ruthie was special in another way, a way that allowed her to ride horses at an exclusive club despite the fact that neither of her parents brought home a paycheck or owned the home they lived in. We must remember this about Ruthie, always and forever. She was clever.
Ben came to her now, as she was sitting with her two younger brothers, Sam and David, pretending to play with them but actually trying to determine how boys their age were still barely able to speak. She wanted them to speak, of course, because then they would have things happen to them and she would be able to figure out what those things were and add them to her records. She looked over at Ben as he sat down.
"Hi," Ben said.
"Hello," answered Ruthie.
"Can I ask you a question?" Ben asked.
Ruthie shrugged. "Sure."
Ben furrowed his brows for a moment and Ruthie watched him. She was glad he wasn't going to date her sister Mary, because, you know, Mary was an idiot who it was important to trash-talk behind her back at every opportunity, which her family did a lot nowadays. Ben at least had a nice chest, and he liked dogs, so Ruthie was willing to overlook other things about him.
"Do you remember that girl, on the Promenade?" Ben asked.
"Which one? There are a lot of girls on the Promenade."
Ben looked confused for a moment, then nodded.
"But there was one, you remember? You introduced her to me."
"The one who ran off?" Ruthie asked.
Ben nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! That's her! What was her name?"
"Jill," Ruthie said.
"Yeah! Did you know she's a dancer?"
"I know."
Ben's face went dreamy. "She sure is pretty."
Ruthie's face perked up now as she saw Ben's enthusiasm. "Do you like her?" she asked him.
The dreamy face expanded with a big smile. "Yeah. Since I'm not an idiot and I'm not dating Mary, I have to date someone, and Jill sure is pretty."
Ruthie leaned over, took his hand.
"Come with me," she said.
#
Eric and Annie Camden had always prided themselves in knowing exactly what their children were doing, all the time. This was, they felt, an essential part of good parenting, because it is a well known fact that every mistake made by unmarried people leads to another, and then another, until the mistakes become huge and out of control, leading to things like beer consumption, rap music, and eventually, no doubt, nude looting. So in their household Eric and Annie had always made it a point to know everything, enlisting their own children in a system of intelligence gathering that had since been emulated by spy agencies worldwide. Some of their kids had protested this, of course, most particularly Mary, who was a naughty, naughty girl who now worked for a living in Florida, but more importantly, others had actually thrived under the system.
All right. Only Ruthie had thrived. But that was enough for our little tale.
She brought Ben up to her room now and blindfolded him as she opened up the false back of her closet and carefully went through the thousands of well organized files she had in there. Finding the one she sought, she pulled it out and replaced the secret wall and then sat beside Ben, pulling off his blindfold as she did.
He had fallen asleep, so she slapped him lightly.
"Ow!"
"It was Simon," Ruthie explained. "I tried to stop him. He's run off now."
Ben smiled. "Thanks, Ruthie."
"You're welcome. Now, you were interested in Jill?"
Ben's head bobbed.
"All right. What do you want to know about her?"
"Her name?"
Ruthie rolled her eyes.
"Anything else?"
Ben tried to think. "Where does she work?"
"The dance studio on Main Street."
"Oh, yeah."
"Anything else?"
Ben shrugged. Inwardly, Ruthie groaned. This was going to take more work than she thought, but it would be worth it.
"All right," she said. "For fifty bucks, I'll give you the basics. That should be enough to get you a date, all right?"
A date! Ben smiled again. That would be so cool. Him and Jill. Maybe she would wear her blue leotard, and he could wear his fireman's outfit. He pulled some bills from his pocket, handed them to Ruthie.
Ruthie stuffed the bills into her pocket, glanced over the file in her hands.
"Her full name is Jill Edwards. She's a student at Crawford University, full time. She's studying modern dance, and her favorite color is blue. She's not a vegetarian, and she likes the outdoors. You getting all this?"
"Yeah, yeah."
"For another twenty I'll give you her address."
That came easily. Ruthie stuffed the money into her pocket, then grabbed the phone book by her bed and looked up Jill's address.
"Is there more?" Ben panted.
"What more do you want? Her phone number?"
"Yeah."
"Ten bucks."
Easy again. Ruthie took the bill and looked down the page of the phone book, rattled off the number.
"Anything else?"
Ben was learning, Ruthie saw. There was a wariness in his eyes. Not that it mattered.
"What more do you have?" he asked.
Ruthie smiled. "Tell you what. I'll give you the detailed package for another fifty."
"Done!"
#
He waited patiently as she read, listening to every word. It probably wouldn't matter, though; he'd probably forget and then she'd be able to milk him for this same information later.
"Let's see. Jill has a background in dance going back to age six, when her mother enrolled her in ballet. She did a stint with gymnastics at Bradford high school in Sacramento, specializing in the floor exercises. She's got a partial scholarship to Crawford and works at the dance studio to make the rest. Currently she lives alone; there was a boyfriend until last year, named Tom Lester, but now she's single and available. Got that?"
"How do you know all this?" Ben asked finally.
"I'm Ruthie Camden. I've been watching this town since I was an infant. You'd be amazed what I know." For effect Ruthie rattled off Jill's dress size and shoe size.
"Wow," intoned Ben, sitting in the presence of greatness. Ruthie chuckled.
"Her bra size is 34B. She prefers blue bikini underwear with lace and bows, generally satin. That's the same style Matt wears, except he likes pink. She doesn't wear much makeup; usually just some blush and lipstick, unless she's going out."
"Why do I need to know this?" Ben asked.
"Hey, what if you wind up marrying her? You might have adult relations, whatever that is, and she might want you to buy her some underwear from Victoria's Secret or something."
"Victoria's what?"
"It's the underwear store in the mall that Dad had closed down when Mary hit puberty. It's been replaced with Boring Cotton Unmentionables."
"Oh."
Ruthie closed the file. There was more in there, of course, but this should be enough for now. "Now," she said, "are you going to ask her out?"
Ben nodded enthusiastically. Then his face became dour.
"But what if she says no?" he asked.
Ruthie straightened as though offended.
"This is Glenoak, Ben. 'No' is not an answer, especially not in this family. And you are family, you know. You are a Camden by engagement, and we Camdens have ways of making people say yes to us. Yes, Jill will date you, mark my word. No one calls security on Ruthie Camden, especially when she's matchmaking. You just leave it all up to me."
* * *
Ruthie Camden was a clever little girl. Oh, yes, clever. Where Ben was, well, special, Ruthie was special in another way, a way that allowed her to ride horses at an exclusive club despite the fact that neither of her parents brought home a paycheck or owned the home they lived in. We must remember this about Ruthie, always and forever. She was clever.
Ben came to her now, as she was sitting with her two younger brothers, Sam and David, pretending to play with them but actually trying to determine how boys their age were still barely able to speak. She wanted them to speak, of course, because then they would have things happen to them and she would be able to figure out what those things were and add them to her records. She looked over at Ben as he sat down.
"Hi," Ben said.
"Hello," answered Ruthie.
"Can I ask you a question?" Ben asked.
Ruthie shrugged. "Sure."
Ben furrowed his brows for a moment and Ruthie watched him. She was glad he wasn't going to date her sister Mary, because, you know, Mary was an idiot who it was important to trash-talk behind her back at every opportunity, which her family did a lot nowadays. Ben at least had a nice chest, and he liked dogs, so Ruthie was willing to overlook other things about him.
"Do you remember that girl, on the Promenade?" Ben asked.
"Which one? There are a lot of girls on the Promenade."
Ben looked confused for a moment, then nodded.
"But there was one, you remember? You introduced her to me."
"The one who ran off?" Ruthie asked.
Ben nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! That's her! What was her name?"
"Jill," Ruthie said.
"Yeah! Did you know she's a dancer?"
"I know."
Ben's face went dreamy. "She sure is pretty."
Ruthie's face perked up now as she saw Ben's enthusiasm. "Do you like her?" she asked him.
The dreamy face expanded with a big smile. "Yeah. Since I'm not an idiot and I'm not dating Mary, I have to date someone, and Jill sure is pretty."
Ruthie leaned over, took his hand.
"Come with me," she said.
#
Eric and Annie Camden had always prided themselves in knowing exactly what their children were doing, all the time. This was, they felt, an essential part of good parenting, because it is a well known fact that every mistake made by unmarried people leads to another, and then another, until the mistakes become huge and out of control, leading to things like beer consumption, rap music, and eventually, no doubt, nude looting. So in their household Eric and Annie had always made it a point to know everything, enlisting their own children in a system of intelligence gathering that had since been emulated by spy agencies worldwide. Some of their kids had protested this, of course, most particularly Mary, who was a naughty, naughty girl who now worked for a living in Florida, but more importantly, others had actually thrived under the system.
All right. Only Ruthie had thrived. But that was enough for our little tale.
She brought Ben up to her room now and blindfolded him as she opened up the false back of her closet and carefully went through the thousands of well organized files she had in there. Finding the one she sought, she pulled it out and replaced the secret wall and then sat beside Ben, pulling off his blindfold as she did.
He had fallen asleep, so she slapped him lightly.
"Ow!"
"It was Simon," Ruthie explained. "I tried to stop him. He's run off now."
Ben smiled. "Thanks, Ruthie."
"You're welcome. Now, you were interested in Jill?"
Ben's head bobbed.
"All right. What do you want to know about her?"
"Her name?"
Ruthie rolled her eyes.
"Anything else?"
Ben tried to think. "Where does she work?"
"The dance studio on Main Street."
"Oh, yeah."
"Anything else?"
Ben shrugged. Inwardly, Ruthie groaned. This was going to take more work than she thought, but it would be worth it.
"All right," she said. "For fifty bucks, I'll give you the basics. That should be enough to get you a date, all right?"
A date! Ben smiled again. That would be so cool. Him and Jill. Maybe she would wear her blue leotard, and he could wear his fireman's outfit. He pulled some bills from his pocket, handed them to Ruthie.
Ruthie stuffed the bills into her pocket, glanced over the file in her hands.
"Her full name is Jill Edwards. She's a student at Crawford University, full time. She's studying modern dance, and her favorite color is blue. She's not a vegetarian, and she likes the outdoors. You getting all this?"
"Yeah, yeah."
"For another twenty I'll give you her address."
That came easily. Ruthie stuffed the money into her pocket, then grabbed the phone book by her bed and looked up Jill's address.
"Is there more?" Ben panted.
"What more do you want? Her phone number?"
"Yeah."
"Ten bucks."
Easy again. Ruthie took the bill and looked down the page of the phone book, rattled off the number.
"Anything else?"
Ben was learning, Ruthie saw. There was a wariness in his eyes. Not that it mattered.
"What more do you have?" he asked.
Ruthie smiled. "Tell you what. I'll give you the detailed package for another fifty."
"Done!"
#
He waited patiently as she read, listening to every word. It probably wouldn't matter, though; he'd probably forget and then she'd be able to milk him for this same information later.
"Let's see. Jill has a background in dance going back to age six, when her mother enrolled her in ballet. She did a stint with gymnastics at Bradford high school in Sacramento, specializing in the floor exercises. She's got a partial scholarship to Crawford and works at the dance studio to make the rest. Currently she lives alone; there was a boyfriend until last year, named Tom Lester, but now she's single and available. Got that?"
"How do you know all this?" Ben asked finally.
"I'm Ruthie Camden. I've been watching this town since I was an infant. You'd be amazed what I know." For effect Ruthie rattled off Jill's dress size and shoe size.
"Wow," intoned Ben, sitting in the presence of greatness. Ruthie chuckled.
"Her bra size is 34B. She prefers blue bikini underwear with lace and bows, generally satin. That's the same style Matt wears, except he likes pink. She doesn't wear much makeup; usually just some blush and lipstick, unless she's going out."
"Why do I need to know this?" Ben asked.
"Hey, what if you wind up marrying her? You might have adult relations, whatever that is, and she might want you to buy her some underwear from Victoria's Secret or something."
"Victoria's what?"
"It's the underwear store in the mall that Dad had closed down when Mary hit puberty. It's been replaced with Boring Cotton Unmentionables."
"Oh."
Ruthie closed the file. There was more in there, of course, but this should be enough for now. "Now," she said, "are you going to ask her out?"
Ben nodded enthusiastically. Then his face became dour.
"But what if she says no?" he asked.
Ruthie straightened as though offended.
"This is Glenoak, Ben. 'No' is not an answer, especially not in this family. And you are family, you know. You are a Camden by engagement, and we Camdens have ways of making people say yes to us. Yes, Jill will date you, mark my word. No one calls security on Ruthie Camden, especially when she's matchmaking. You just leave it all up to me."