Ten: Oy! Sit Down!
Like flies to, well, something far too naughty to imply even exists in a family values story like this one, they came. Lucy had taken Kevin's arm in hers and skipped alongside him, singing her song again, and Eric extended his hand to Jill, indicating that she should precede him. Jill glanced at the front door as he did, realizing that he had cut off her escape. Her eyes wide in terror, she followed the singing Lucy--robotic Kevin duo into the dining room.
It had a big table, well set, and at the far end stood Annie, her chest puffed out and her face lined with age and tension, blonde hair looking rather like a poodle's. From the kitchen behind her others flowed in, starting with a pair of boys who looked to be of high-school age, one blond and sullen, the other with a wide smile on his face as he took the first boy's hand.
The first boy pulled away.
"Stop that!"
"Ooh! Feisty, eh, Camden?"
Annie glared at the two of them, and they went silent.
"Jill, this is my son Simon and his friend Morris."
Morris smiled at her and winked, and Simon simply stared, his jaw dropping.
"Wow," he stammered. "Hi."
Morris pinched him and giggled.
"Ow!" Simon cried.
Morris looked innocent, turning to Annie.
"Mrs. Camden?" he asked. "Is tonight's meal kosher? Because I'm Jewish, sort of, I think."
Annie opened her mouth to speak but another voice cut her off.
"Did someone say Jewish?"
This came from a rather strange man who had appeared, it seemed, through yet another door. Eric saw him and smiled.
"Richard! Will you be joining us?"
"Oy!" the man said. "I wish I could, Eric, you know. Because Annie's kugel, it could lead the twelve tribes right out of bondage! Honestly. Sometimes I'd just like to kiss her, right there in the kitchen, but oy! What am I saying! She's your wife! Oy! No, my friend, I'm only here because, well, you know, it's Rosina and oy, oy, oy, those moods! Lately she's been going on about how she's worried she's looking like a conehead as she ages! Oy! So I'm, 'what's a conehead, anyway?' and then you know, there's the look, and then the fighting, and oy, oy, oy, she won't ever stop!" He reached up, rubbed his brow. "So I tell her, 'Hey, it could be worse! That Matt Camden, he's a nice boy for our Sarah, not so Jewish maybe, but oy, oy, oy, I'm a rabbi, I can fix that, right?'"
Eric tensed. "Matt is no more Jewish than Jesus was!" he insisted.
"Yeah, I know!" exclaimed Richard. "And I kept thinking about this Jesus that everyone wants to talk about and I'm thinking, oy, oy, oy, was he a conehead, maybe? Because that would make sense, right? You see, my friend, how complicated these things can be, and hey, who's the Shiksa?"
Eric smiled. "This is Jill."
Richard looked closely at Jill.
"You're not Jewish?" he asked. "Because for me, everything in the world is about being Jewish, oy! It's the only thing that's important about me! Oy!"
Jill shook her head.
"Oy, oy, oy, that's a shame. Because the Weinstein boy, he's a good boy. He'd be good for you, but his mother, she wants a nice Jewish girl for her son, and who can blame her? Oy!"
"Jill is Ben's date tonight," Eric explained.
"Ben?" Richard slapped his forehead. "Of course! The fireman! He's got quite the chest, for a Goy, that is. You know, not like Moses must have had or anything, but hey, that's what I keep telling myself: we can't all be Moses, eh? Oy! I've got to go! It's a Jewish thing, you know, and I'm Jewish, in case you didn't know! But how could you not know? Oy, oy!"
And as quickly as he had appeared, the rabbi vanished.
#
They guided Jill to a chair and sat her down beside the strange boy who had followed her in from outside. She looked at him and smiled nervously, and he smiled back.
"Hi," he said. "I'm Martin. My father is a Marine in Iraq. Did you know there's a war going on over there?"
Eric looked ceilingward. "Thank you, Martin's father the Marine," he said. "And thank you for sending us your son, whoever he is. We will protect him as you battle the forces of evil."
Jill tried to scoot her chair away from the strange boy, but as she did she sensed another person sitting down on the other side of her.
"Hi!" squeaked a voice. "Can I stay for dinner, Mrs. Camden? I just love your twins! And you love me too, don't you, boys?"
Jill turned and gasped. Beside her a blonde girl had planted herself, her head bobbing up and down as though on a spring while she smiled over at two little boys who even now Annie was settling into high chairs.
"Yeeeeaaaahhhhh...." one of the boys slurred out.
"Weeee loooovvveeee Seesseeellliiiaaa...."
"Sheeeee's booootttiiiffffuuuullll...."
The girl smiled more broadly, her head still bobbing about. Annie smiled back at her.
"Of course, Cecilia. We always have enough food to feed anyone who comes by, despite the fact that Eric doesn't make that much money and I spend it poorly on expensive things like Brenda's Cookies and Brenda's Milk and Brenda's Boring Cotton Unmentionables. Have you met Jill? She's here to keep Ben company until he marries Mary."
"Hi!" Cecilia squeaked, her head bouncing around with a wide, blank smile as Jill tried to smile politely.
"Uh, hello."
Morris pinched Simon again. "Don't get any ideas, Camden," he chuckled.
"Ow!"
Suddenly the reverie was broken by a familiar voice. Ruthie had come into the room and they all grew silent as she spoke.
"Ahem! I now present to you, and especially you, Jill: Ben the fireman."
Like flies to, well, something far too naughty to imply even exists in a family values story like this one, they came. Lucy had taken Kevin's arm in hers and skipped alongside him, singing her song again, and Eric extended his hand to Jill, indicating that she should precede him. Jill glanced at the front door as he did, realizing that he had cut off her escape. Her eyes wide in terror, she followed the singing Lucy--robotic Kevin duo into the dining room.
It had a big table, well set, and at the far end stood Annie, her chest puffed out and her face lined with age and tension, blonde hair looking rather like a poodle's. From the kitchen behind her others flowed in, starting with a pair of boys who looked to be of high-school age, one blond and sullen, the other with a wide smile on his face as he took the first boy's hand.
The first boy pulled away.
"Stop that!"
"Ooh! Feisty, eh, Camden?"
Annie glared at the two of them, and they went silent.
"Jill, this is my son Simon and his friend Morris."
Morris smiled at her and winked, and Simon simply stared, his jaw dropping.
"Wow," he stammered. "Hi."
Morris pinched him and giggled.
"Ow!" Simon cried.
Morris looked innocent, turning to Annie.
"Mrs. Camden?" he asked. "Is tonight's meal kosher? Because I'm Jewish, sort of, I think."
Annie opened her mouth to speak but another voice cut her off.
"Did someone say Jewish?"
This came from a rather strange man who had appeared, it seemed, through yet another door. Eric saw him and smiled.
"Richard! Will you be joining us?"
"Oy!" the man said. "I wish I could, Eric, you know. Because Annie's kugel, it could lead the twelve tribes right out of bondage! Honestly. Sometimes I'd just like to kiss her, right there in the kitchen, but oy! What am I saying! She's your wife! Oy! No, my friend, I'm only here because, well, you know, it's Rosina and oy, oy, oy, those moods! Lately she's been going on about how she's worried she's looking like a conehead as she ages! Oy! So I'm, 'what's a conehead, anyway?' and then you know, there's the look, and then the fighting, and oy, oy, oy, she won't ever stop!" He reached up, rubbed his brow. "So I tell her, 'Hey, it could be worse! That Matt Camden, he's a nice boy for our Sarah, not so Jewish maybe, but oy, oy, oy, I'm a rabbi, I can fix that, right?'"
Eric tensed. "Matt is no more Jewish than Jesus was!" he insisted.
"Yeah, I know!" exclaimed Richard. "And I kept thinking about this Jesus that everyone wants to talk about and I'm thinking, oy, oy, oy, was he a conehead, maybe? Because that would make sense, right? You see, my friend, how complicated these things can be, and hey, who's the Shiksa?"
Eric smiled. "This is Jill."
Richard looked closely at Jill.
"You're not Jewish?" he asked. "Because for me, everything in the world is about being Jewish, oy! It's the only thing that's important about me! Oy!"
Jill shook her head.
"Oy, oy, oy, that's a shame. Because the Weinstein boy, he's a good boy. He'd be good for you, but his mother, she wants a nice Jewish girl for her son, and who can blame her? Oy!"
"Jill is Ben's date tonight," Eric explained.
"Ben?" Richard slapped his forehead. "Of course! The fireman! He's got quite the chest, for a Goy, that is. You know, not like Moses must have had or anything, but hey, that's what I keep telling myself: we can't all be Moses, eh? Oy! I've got to go! It's a Jewish thing, you know, and I'm Jewish, in case you didn't know! But how could you not know? Oy, oy!"
And as quickly as he had appeared, the rabbi vanished.
#
They guided Jill to a chair and sat her down beside the strange boy who had followed her in from outside. She looked at him and smiled nervously, and he smiled back.
"Hi," he said. "I'm Martin. My father is a Marine in Iraq. Did you know there's a war going on over there?"
Eric looked ceilingward. "Thank you, Martin's father the Marine," he said. "And thank you for sending us your son, whoever he is. We will protect him as you battle the forces of evil."
Jill tried to scoot her chair away from the strange boy, but as she did she sensed another person sitting down on the other side of her.
"Hi!" squeaked a voice. "Can I stay for dinner, Mrs. Camden? I just love your twins! And you love me too, don't you, boys?"
Jill turned and gasped. Beside her a blonde girl had planted herself, her head bobbing up and down as though on a spring while she smiled over at two little boys who even now Annie was settling into high chairs.
"Yeeeeaaaahhhhh...." one of the boys slurred out.
"Weeee loooovvveeee Seesseeellliiiaaa...."
"Sheeeee's booootttiiiffffuuuullll...."
The girl smiled more broadly, her head still bobbing about. Annie smiled back at her.
"Of course, Cecilia. We always have enough food to feed anyone who comes by, despite the fact that Eric doesn't make that much money and I spend it poorly on expensive things like Brenda's Cookies and Brenda's Milk and Brenda's Boring Cotton Unmentionables. Have you met Jill? She's here to keep Ben company until he marries Mary."
"Hi!" Cecilia squeaked, her head bouncing around with a wide, blank smile as Jill tried to smile politely.
"Uh, hello."
Morris pinched Simon again. "Don't get any ideas, Camden," he chuckled.
"Ow!"
Suddenly the reverie was broken by a familiar voice. Ruthie had come into the room and they all grew silent as she spoke.
"Ahem! I now present to you, and especially you, Jill: Ben the fireman."