Disclaimer: It ain't mine. Love to the reviewers.
He hates himself so much right now- what he just did is totally unforgivable. He doesn't give a damn how many lives he just saved, he just effectively murdered himself, as a person and as a doctor. He thinks that Radar who has confessed that he's his hero, would be disappointed, he knows his father would be. Trapper would... understand, but still berate him for giving up his integrity- the one thing he held onto throughout this entire goddamn war.
The pain of having done something that... unlike him, is like a gun wound. Like that boy the nurse from the 8063rd he met in Seoul told him about, the one who had a grenade go off in his hand. Or maybe as if he's been stabbed. It's driving him insane- and he realizes that he can't just drink it away. She caught his eye this morning at breakfast and just knew that she knew perfectly well what he'd done and why he'd done it- and she didn't approve. Even he knew that was ridiculous- BJ was the only one who knew what he'd done, he was just looking for someone who would yell at him, curse him- do anything but be disappointed in him, and he wishes it would be her. Hell, at least that would prove she cared.
And God, he wants to be anyone but him and anywhere but here right now.