Chapter 5: With God As My Witness.:Hope wanted to be
an actress, or a singer. She knew she might never acheive this goals, but
she still dreamt about them with a fervent passion:.
.:Hope didn't show until her fourth month because we were malnourished. When she started to show, she put on the baggest clothes she could find. I snuck a book home from school that was in our Health class about pregnancy, so she would know what to do. I was shocked to discover Hope was thirty pounds underweight than she should be!:.
.:"What are we going to do...Hope?" I asked, heavily sighing. She had to gain more weight, or the baby would be underweight. How she was going to hide her entire pregnancy from my mother and Jim was still a big mystery to me. I began to steal some of the food in the richer kid's lunchboxes at school, even their money:.
.:I knew it was wrong, but they had so much more than us, and I would do what I had to. I would lie, cheat, steal for Hope. She gained a little more weight with what I had managed to steal, but still it was not enough!:.
.:"It's all right, Colvin...I'll manage," she whispered. Why was it so many in the people had so much, and some who needed it, really needed it, had so much less? I saw rich children at school waste so much food. I was fool enough to dig it back from the trashcan, but we were desperate:.
.:We ate off of the floor if we had to. Most people would grimace in disgust and scowl at us if they knew what we did, but they had never been starving, either. Mother and Jim stayed out a lot more often now, sometimes hardly coming home except twice a week:.
.:It was a good thing since if they were out more, the less more likely they would suspect Hope's condition. Then again, when they weren't home, neither was their money:.
.:I stole from those richer than me, and since I was almost fourteen, I decided I needed to go find work. I worked at small jobs around the trashy neighborhood we lived in, cleaning people's houses, cutting their grass and trimming their bushes, walking dogs, and washing their cars:.
.:"Colvin...I hate you having to work already...you need to hang onto your childhood before you lose it forever," Hope said. I stared blankly at her, for my childhood had never started. We had not grown like normal children, playing with toys, riding bicycles. All of that was a waste to us. We had played outside, but the yard was never kept mowed, and the grass had made my small body itch and break out into rashes:.
.:Childhood? The term was not in my vocabulary, and if it was, it was covered among the bitter and crude words we had heard daily. On the black and white television we owned (even though the other children had color ones at home), we saw children playing, sometimes even with their parents. It was science fiction, all a fantasy for us. We never thought parents could be so loving. Not that either of us were to blame:.
.:My mother and Jim would pay for what they had done to us, I was going to be sure of that! Never would we be starving, beating, or molested again. There would be a day where I would be the one to starve them, to beat them, to deny them anything and everything that they so desired! In the bible, it said to honor thy mother and thy father:.
.:Newsflash, I didn't have a father, and my mother was a strumpet, sinful and wicked. Was I still to honor her? I think not. I would never honor a woman that was so low she was almost on a level with the worms, blind in the dark, under the moist earth that she would suffocate under:.
.:My day would come. It haunted me, pulsed through my very veins. I would be the one to deliver upon them the punishment for their sins. With God as my witness...:.
.:I watched, fascinated, throughout the weeks as Hope's once almost hollowed and frail stomach began to swell gently out in front of her. When we were alone, she would have me in her room. We would sit on her bed, and she would lift her shirt up just enough so I could place my hand on her stomach. We wasn't being evil, not at all:.
.:When the baby was moving inside, kicking, and I felt the power of something so small, without a name so determined to get out of its protective bubble...It made me smile:.
.:Mother had griped and groaned about being pregnant with me, but I found it utterly fascinating. So much life inside. The baby had not been born of love, but neither had I. Maybe Hope could get away this time, with the baby, with me...or would she give it up?:.
.:"Hope...?" I murmured one evening, as we lay on her bed, my hand caressing her stomach:.
.:"Yes, Colvin?" she asked, and I hesistated before speaking:.
.:"Are you gonna keep this baby...?":.
.:For a long moment Hope was silent. I heard her softly sigh:.
.:"If I can get a job...some money, perhaps. If not...then I may have no choice. I will not keep a child that will grow up the way we have, Colvin. Not when he or she can be brought up in a nice house, with loving parents, with plenty of food and love...like I was in before my mom and dad died.":.
.:I nodded, and felt like I wanted to go crawl into a corner and cry, really bawl! Hope was being something my mother wasn't, unselfish. Even if she grew attached to the child, she still wanted him or her to grow up happy. Sometimes it hurt so much not having a father, and even more that my mother despised me from conception:.
.:Hope was six months pregnant, almost there. Her legs sometimes were sore and swelled, and I tried my best to do what I could for her. She tried to stay hidden from Mother and Jim, for she was showing so much it was apparent...:.
.:One evening I was in my room, reading up on what Hope would experience during her sixth month, writing down the important things to hand to her later on, when I heard screaming and yelling:.
.:"DAMN YOU TO HELL YOU LITTLE SLUT! SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WOULD TRY TO BE LIKE ME! BUT THOSE DAYS ARE OVER!" I heard my mother scream, and I dashed into Hope's room, where Mother and Jim were, glaring at Hope:.
.:I wanted to grab a chair and swing it at them, knock them down, then Hope and I could run away. But I stood there, staring stupidly, even as I scanned my mind to think of something to do...anything!:.
.:"Sleeping with my husband! More like...SEDUCING! Has she seduced you, Jim?" Mother cried, even though I saw in her gray eyes that she knew the truth, she just wanted Hope to be in trouble!:.
.:"Always. She's been mad lately, since I haven't been around much," Jim said, as Hope's mouth popped open with disbelief, and anger sparked in her blue eyes:.
.:"That's just like you! Thinking every woman in the whole world would do anything to sleep with the great Jim Lanely! Two dollars to see the biggest arrogant pimp in the land! Oh yes, and need I forget to mention all the women you've forced!" Hope screamed:.
.:I winced, praying for God that he wouldn't hurt her, that he would leave her alone! But his eyes glared, shone like fire was inside, even as he stepped up to her. His hand moved so quickly I didn't see it slap her face until I heard the stinging slap. Mother turned and walked away:.
.:"Leave her alone!" I growled, as I ran to tackle him. I was a fool, a mere fourteen year old against someone thirty something, or more than that!:.
.:He laughed as he shoved me away, and then slapped Hope again, so she slammed into the wall. He shoved her against the wall, slamming her into the wall, her stomach hitting the wall...and that life was inside of her. I was so horrified I couldn't move. He slammed her into the wall so hard she screamed, a scream that would forever ring into my ears...:.
.:Dark red blood...stained on the white walls. Hope's blood. I grew dizzy; Hope's screams grew fainter and fainter as I tried to hold my grip onto the wall, then I fell....A sharp pain dug into my head like a mole and all was dark after that...:.
.:Hope didn't show until her fourth month because we were malnourished. When she started to show, she put on the baggest clothes she could find. I snuck a book home from school that was in our Health class about pregnancy, so she would know what to do. I was shocked to discover Hope was thirty pounds underweight than she should be!:.
.:"What are we going to do...Hope?" I asked, heavily sighing. She had to gain more weight, or the baby would be underweight. How she was going to hide her entire pregnancy from my mother and Jim was still a big mystery to me. I began to steal some of the food in the richer kid's lunchboxes at school, even their money:.
.:I knew it was wrong, but they had so much more than us, and I would do what I had to. I would lie, cheat, steal for Hope. She gained a little more weight with what I had managed to steal, but still it was not enough!:.
.:"It's all right, Colvin...I'll manage," she whispered. Why was it so many in the people had so much, and some who needed it, really needed it, had so much less? I saw rich children at school waste so much food. I was fool enough to dig it back from the trashcan, but we were desperate:.
.:We ate off of the floor if we had to. Most people would grimace in disgust and scowl at us if they knew what we did, but they had never been starving, either. Mother and Jim stayed out a lot more often now, sometimes hardly coming home except twice a week:.
.:It was a good thing since if they were out more, the less more likely they would suspect Hope's condition. Then again, when they weren't home, neither was their money:.
.:I stole from those richer than me, and since I was almost fourteen, I decided I needed to go find work. I worked at small jobs around the trashy neighborhood we lived in, cleaning people's houses, cutting their grass and trimming their bushes, walking dogs, and washing their cars:.
.:"Colvin...I hate you having to work already...you need to hang onto your childhood before you lose it forever," Hope said. I stared blankly at her, for my childhood had never started. We had not grown like normal children, playing with toys, riding bicycles. All of that was a waste to us. We had played outside, but the yard was never kept mowed, and the grass had made my small body itch and break out into rashes:.
.:Childhood? The term was not in my vocabulary, and if it was, it was covered among the bitter and crude words we had heard daily. On the black and white television we owned (even though the other children had color ones at home), we saw children playing, sometimes even with their parents. It was science fiction, all a fantasy for us. We never thought parents could be so loving. Not that either of us were to blame:.
.:My mother and Jim would pay for what they had done to us, I was going to be sure of that! Never would we be starving, beating, or molested again. There would be a day where I would be the one to starve them, to beat them, to deny them anything and everything that they so desired! In the bible, it said to honor thy mother and thy father:.
.:Newsflash, I didn't have a father, and my mother was a strumpet, sinful and wicked. Was I still to honor her? I think not. I would never honor a woman that was so low she was almost on a level with the worms, blind in the dark, under the moist earth that she would suffocate under:.
.:My day would come. It haunted me, pulsed through my very veins. I would be the one to deliver upon them the punishment for their sins. With God as my witness...:.
.:I watched, fascinated, throughout the weeks as Hope's once almost hollowed and frail stomach began to swell gently out in front of her. When we were alone, she would have me in her room. We would sit on her bed, and she would lift her shirt up just enough so I could place my hand on her stomach. We wasn't being evil, not at all:.
.:When the baby was moving inside, kicking, and I felt the power of something so small, without a name so determined to get out of its protective bubble...It made me smile:.
.:Mother had griped and groaned about being pregnant with me, but I found it utterly fascinating. So much life inside. The baby had not been born of love, but neither had I. Maybe Hope could get away this time, with the baby, with me...or would she give it up?:.
.:"Hope...?" I murmured one evening, as we lay on her bed, my hand caressing her stomach:.
.:"Yes, Colvin?" she asked, and I hesistated before speaking:.
.:"Are you gonna keep this baby...?":.
.:For a long moment Hope was silent. I heard her softly sigh:.
.:"If I can get a job...some money, perhaps. If not...then I may have no choice. I will not keep a child that will grow up the way we have, Colvin. Not when he or she can be brought up in a nice house, with loving parents, with plenty of food and love...like I was in before my mom and dad died.":.
.:I nodded, and felt like I wanted to go crawl into a corner and cry, really bawl! Hope was being something my mother wasn't, unselfish. Even if she grew attached to the child, she still wanted him or her to grow up happy. Sometimes it hurt so much not having a father, and even more that my mother despised me from conception:.
.:Hope was six months pregnant, almost there. Her legs sometimes were sore and swelled, and I tried my best to do what I could for her. She tried to stay hidden from Mother and Jim, for she was showing so much it was apparent...:.
.:One evening I was in my room, reading up on what Hope would experience during her sixth month, writing down the important things to hand to her later on, when I heard screaming and yelling:.
.:"DAMN YOU TO HELL YOU LITTLE SLUT! SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WOULD TRY TO BE LIKE ME! BUT THOSE DAYS ARE OVER!" I heard my mother scream, and I dashed into Hope's room, where Mother and Jim were, glaring at Hope:.
.:I wanted to grab a chair and swing it at them, knock them down, then Hope and I could run away. But I stood there, staring stupidly, even as I scanned my mind to think of something to do...anything!:.
.:"Sleeping with my husband! More like...SEDUCING! Has she seduced you, Jim?" Mother cried, even though I saw in her gray eyes that she knew the truth, she just wanted Hope to be in trouble!:.
.:"Always. She's been mad lately, since I haven't been around much," Jim said, as Hope's mouth popped open with disbelief, and anger sparked in her blue eyes:.
.:"That's just like you! Thinking every woman in the whole world would do anything to sleep with the great Jim Lanely! Two dollars to see the biggest arrogant pimp in the land! Oh yes, and need I forget to mention all the women you've forced!" Hope screamed:.
.:I winced, praying for God that he wouldn't hurt her, that he would leave her alone! But his eyes glared, shone like fire was inside, even as he stepped up to her. His hand moved so quickly I didn't see it slap her face until I heard the stinging slap. Mother turned and walked away:.
.:"Leave her alone!" I growled, as I ran to tackle him. I was a fool, a mere fourteen year old against someone thirty something, or more than that!:.
.:He laughed as he shoved me away, and then slapped Hope again, so she slammed into the wall. He shoved her against the wall, slamming her into the wall, her stomach hitting the wall...and that life was inside of her. I was so horrified I couldn't move. He slammed her into the wall so hard she screamed, a scream that would forever ring into my ears...:.
.:Dark red blood...stained on the white walls. Hope's blood. I grew dizzy; Hope's screams grew fainter and fainter as I tried to hold my grip onto the wall, then I fell....A sharp pain dug into my head like a mole and all was dark after that...:.