The Demons Hidden Within
Chapter 7: One Path
Posted: 11/30/03
~*~*~*~*~
Lupin greeted me as I followed the Headmaster into his office. The staff meeting had gone reasonably well, my introduction met only by a moment of surprise, confirming my suspicion that Dumbledore had alluded to my identity beforehand.
Afterwards, I had followed Dumbledore immediately out of the staff room, avoiding any of the inevitable personal confrontations. They would eventually have to occur, and perhaps delay was not for the best in this matter, but facing the judgements of my past I was not quite prepared for yet. I had to show them my untainted and unveiled self, and perhaps I was afraid of how they would see me, or -- more specifically -- what they would see me as. If their opinions of me lay in either of the rumored extremes, hate or reverence . . .
I shook the possibility from my mind for the time being, sitting opposite Dumbledore and beside the last Marauder, surrounded by the portraits of Hogwarts's past. The twinkle in Dumbledore's eye rested my pangs of worry: the professors knew me as human, if nothing else; they would not be prone to those judgements.
With a twinge of memory, my eyes laid upon Fawks, perched upon the spindly table of delicate instruments, all with a matching delicate purpose, but none of them known save by the owner. The headmaster's office remained nearly the same; the passage of time only displayed by his acquiring of some newer devices and the tarnishing of others.
"As you well know, Harry, some Death Eaters still allude the Ministry." Dumbledore began with the obvious. No need for formalities here.
"And some deaths still allude its detection." I added with a bitter tongue.
Remus, apparently, had thought down that same path many times over. "We can bring light to Sirius by taking down his supposed cohorts."
A surrealistic quality swept over me as my sense traveled back to the Order councils of my seventh year. The tone of war remained the same -- and, indeed, these were the ends of that war which were never tied. The only difference lay in the lack of despair and utter hopelessness. No urgency was hidden in the recesses of our words. There was no hidden panic here, no tempers threatening to break from the pressure.
"Alive and under Veritaserum they can testify for Sirius. Pettigrew brings innocence, and Lestrange--life. There are others, but those two matter most." Dumbledore brought me back to the situation at hand.
"And we can succeed where the Aurors have failed?" Now was time to hear of Dumbledore's plan.
"You know, Harry, that they best wizards are not on the Ministry's payroll. But, yes, *you* have the power to succeed."
At Dumbledore's choice of words, I rested my forehead on my hand, shaking it back and forth. A bitter laugh escaped me and I murmured the line of my distress, "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord." The power had, once again, been bestowed onto me.
"Yes, you have that power. But now you also have His. You feel it, in your blood, clenching your soul -- I can see it in your eyes and Hogwarts's walls can sense it. When Voldemort died, his darkness was absorbed into you"
The portraits surrounding me stirred slightly, but none dared to wake up from their feigned sleep.
"I fail to see how that can help." I said shortly. I knew his suggestion, but I did not want to understand it. The possibilities stretched too far and I did not want to face them.
"With that darkness, you fully took in his powers, pertinently that of his Master Dark Mark -- the ability to locate and summon his Death Eaters."
"But to use that power . . ." I trailed off, not wanting to voice what I must do.
Remus finished the unfinished, "You would have to take on his essence, his shadows, release yourself to the darkness that surrounds you and let it take over your soul. Essentially, you must merge with it. A frightening aspect, I know, for I can feel the werewolf inside me howl in the night. Monthly, I must surrender to it."
He faltered for a moment, regaining his composure before looking at me with newfound vigor. "You, Harry, can control this power. Otherwise, the fates would not have given it to you."
"Hogwarts will also help you in your control, if you allow her to." Dumbledore assured, but his assurance washed over me, holding no hope.
What they proposed now, I had forced away for five years. To just surrender to the power I fought against now? Did I have the will to contain it and bring it under my control? Through these years, I've doubted and told myself that I do not. But they talked now as if it were fait accompli.
I shook my head against the ideas. "I can't do that, Headmaster. I fear, if I released it, that it would take power over me, and I will be lost in it."
Dumbledore, in turn, shook his head. "You've been suppressing this for too long. And so long as it clenches without admittance, it will drain you." He leveled my with a stare of seriousness, his twinkle gone. "If you do not take in the Dark, bring it under your control, it will eventually consume your essence. I can see it now in your eyes: This weighs far beyond saving Sirius's memory and bringing unfound justice; this reaches to the salvation of your sanity and of your soul."
"I'm sorry, but what you ask . . . what you ask of me, I cannot -"
"But you must. Eventually a conclusion must come to this unseen battle. If you take the precursor to ending it, only then can you triumph."
~*~*~*~*~*~
Much later, I left the castle, lost in thought. Too lost, as Remus followed me without my detection until I reached the lake. Turning around, I saw him and shrugged, resigning my solitary peace.
"He's merely telling what needs to be told." Remus voice broke through the silence as he fell into step beside me.
I sighed, not wanting to talk on the matter any more. "Does he have to be so blunt about it? I've spent this time trying to forge my own choices, and now all the choices I have are one."
Remus shook his head against my words. "You went through that turmoil with the Lost Prophecy before, Harry. Don't put yourself through it again. Fate's ruled your life since before your birth, as it rules us all. But you still have choices in the matter, as you had before."
"What choice is left to me?" I scoffed. There was only one path I could tread. One path left open that I had to walk eventually. "I see only one option here."
"You've chosen to care. You choose to fight. Otherwise, you could just let his Darkness take you and not oppose it. But you choose otherwise."
I looked away, towards the sunset across the lake. The sky lit up with the last brilliant light. So beautiful, yet I could not see any beauty here, I could only see the coming of the night and the nightmares it would bring.
Remus's voice broke my reverie again, "You choose to fight. Though you may not see it, you still hold free will. Though Fate rules, you guide it."
We watched in silence as the sun's last rays descended and darkness finally came. Remus sighed next to me and I suppressed a shiver up my spine.
"I know it seems impossible, Harry. But it can be controlled."
The "it" he spoke of was not that the same of which I battled. Remus's darkness, his werewolf, was not the same as Voldemort's. Yet, I was forced to admit that Remus's acceptance of his inner demon held similar attributes to what I now faced.
I turned away from the darkened sky, back towards the castle. "Thank you." I whispered to the night. It was directed towards Remus, but whether he heard it I did not care to know.
All my reasoning pointed to only one final decision: to accept and control the Dark that I had suppressed for so long. It clenched around my heart still, flowing through my veins. And I remained afraid of it, of its power and of what it could do to me. But, mostly, I feared how, in my attempt to control it, it may control me. And I was paralyzed by that fear. I knew what had to be done, but I did not have the will to walk that path. So, I faltered and I delayed.
~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N: Not nearly as long as I would have liked it, but I promised myself that I'd update this weekend. I reposted the last chapter a bit ago. No major changes, just some typos mainly. Concerns: The "choice" thing, portrayal of DD and Remus, portrayal of the situation as a whole
Current musical obsession: Return of the King soundtrack. (must see the movie)
:-) Very big thanks and chocolate chips to the reviewers for last chapter: Zazz, APMOM, Kristine Thorne (Agreed: I like 6 the best so far, especially after the repost), John (3:1 maybe. Glad to find another Nickelback fan), Lady Lightning (sorry for the temp misspelling)
Chapter 7: One Path
Posted: 11/30/03
~*~*~*~*~
Lupin greeted me as I followed the Headmaster into his office. The staff meeting had gone reasonably well, my introduction met only by a moment of surprise, confirming my suspicion that Dumbledore had alluded to my identity beforehand.
Afterwards, I had followed Dumbledore immediately out of the staff room, avoiding any of the inevitable personal confrontations. They would eventually have to occur, and perhaps delay was not for the best in this matter, but facing the judgements of my past I was not quite prepared for yet. I had to show them my untainted and unveiled self, and perhaps I was afraid of how they would see me, or -- more specifically -- what they would see me as. If their opinions of me lay in either of the rumored extremes, hate or reverence . . .
I shook the possibility from my mind for the time being, sitting opposite Dumbledore and beside the last Marauder, surrounded by the portraits of Hogwarts's past. The twinkle in Dumbledore's eye rested my pangs of worry: the professors knew me as human, if nothing else; they would not be prone to those judgements.
With a twinge of memory, my eyes laid upon Fawks, perched upon the spindly table of delicate instruments, all with a matching delicate purpose, but none of them known save by the owner. The headmaster's office remained nearly the same; the passage of time only displayed by his acquiring of some newer devices and the tarnishing of others.
"As you well know, Harry, some Death Eaters still allude the Ministry." Dumbledore began with the obvious. No need for formalities here.
"And some deaths still allude its detection." I added with a bitter tongue.
Remus, apparently, had thought down that same path many times over. "We can bring light to Sirius by taking down his supposed cohorts."
A surrealistic quality swept over me as my sense traveled back to the Order councils of my seventh year. The tone of war remained the same -- and, indeed, these were the ends of that war which were never tied. The only difference lay in the lack of despair and utter hopelessness. No urgency was hidden in the recesses of our words. There was no hidden panic here, no tempers threatening to break from the pressure.
"Alive and under Veritaserum they can testify for Sirius. Pettigrew brings innocence, and Lestrange--life. There are others, but those two matter most." Dumbledore brought me back to the situation at hand.
"And we can succeed where the Aurors have failed?" Now was time to hear of Dumbledore's plan.
"You know, Harry, that they best wizards are not on the Ministry's payroll. But, yes, *you* have the power to succeed."
At Dumbledore's choice of words, I rested my forehead on my hand, shaking it back and forth. A bitter laugh escaped me and I murmured the line of my distress, "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord." The power had, once again, been bestowed onto me.
"Yes, you have that power. But now you also have His. You feel it, in your blood, clenching your soul -- I can see it in your eyes and Hogwarts's walls can sense it. When Voldemort died, his darkness was absorbed into you"
The portraits surrounding me stirred slightly, but none dared to wake up from their feigned sleep.
"I fail to see how that can help." I said shortly. I knew his suggestion, but I did not want to understand it. The possibilities stretched too far and I did not want to face them.
"With that darkness, you fully took in his powers, pertinently that of his Master Dark Mark -- the ability to locate and summon his Death Eaters."
"But to use that power . . ." I trailed off, not wanting to voice what I must do.
Remus finished the unfinished, "You would have to take on his essence, his shadows, release yourself to the darkness that surrounds you and let it take over your soul. Essentially, you must merge with it. A frightening aspect, I know, for I can feel the werewolf inside me howl in the night. Monthly, I must surrender to it."
He faltered for a moment, regaining his composure before looking at me with newfound vigor. "You, Harry, can control this power. Otherwise, the fates would not have given it to you."
"Hogwarts will also help you in your control, if you allow her to." Dumbledore assured, but his assurance washed over me, holding no hope.
What they proposed now, I had forced away for five years. To just surrender to the power I fought against now? Did I have the will to contain it and bring it under my control? Through these years, I've doubted and told myself that I do not. But they talked now as if it were fait accompli.
I shook my head against the ideas. "I can't do that, Headmaster. I fear, if I released it, that it would take power over me, and I will be lost in it."
Dumbledore, in turn, shook his head. "You've been suppressing this for too long. And so long as it clenches without admittance, it will drain you." He leveled my with a stare of seriousness, his twinkle gone. "If you do not take in the Dark, bring it under your control, it will eventually consume your essence. I can see it now in your eyes: This weighs far beyond saving Sirius's memory and bringing unfound justice; this reaches to the salvation of your sanity and of your soul."
"I'm sorry, but what you ask . . . what you ask of me, I cannot -"
"But you must. Eventually a conclusion must come to this unseen battle. If you take the precursor to ending it, only then can you triumph."
~*~*~*~*~*~
Much later, I left the castle, lost in thought. Too lost, as Remus followed me without my detection until I reached the lake. Turning around, I saw him and shrugged, resigning my solitary peace.
"He's merely telling what needs to be told." Remus voice broke through the silence as he fell into step beside me.
I sighed, not wanting to talk on the matter any more. "Does he have to be so blunt about it? I've spent this time trying to forge my own choices, and now all the choices I have are one."
Remus shook his head against my words. "You went through that turmoil with the Lost Prophecy before, Harry. Don't put yourself through it again. Fate's ruled your life since before your birth, as it rules us all. But you still have choices in the matter, as you had before."
"What choice is left to me?" I scoffed. There was only one path I could tread. One path left open that I had to walk eventually. "I see only one option here."
"You've chosen to care. You choose to fight. Otherwise, you could just let his Darkness take you and not oppose it. But you choose otherwise."
I looked away, towards the sunset across the lake. The sky lit up with the last brilliant light. So beautiful, yet I could not see any beauty here, I could only see the coming of the night and the nightmares it would bring.
Remus's voice broke my reverie again, "You choose to fight. Though you may not see it, you still hold free will. Though Fate rules, you guide it."
We watched in silence as the sun's last rays descended and darkness finally came. Remus sighed next to me and I suppressed a shiver up my spine.
"I know it seems impossible, Harry. But it can be controlled."
The "it" he spoke of was not that the same of which I battled. Remus's darkness, his werewolf, was not the same as Voldemort's. Yet, I was forced to admit that Remus's acceptance of his inner demon held similar attributes to what I now faced.
I turned away from the darkened sky, back towards the castle. "Thank you." I whispered to the night. It was directed towards Remus, but whether he heard it I did not care to know.
All my reasoning pointed to only one final decision: to accept and control the Dark that I had suppressed for so long. It clenched around my heart still, flowing through my veins. And I remained afraid of it, of its power and of what it could do to me. But, mostly, I feared how, in my attempt to control it, it may control me. And I was paralyzed by that fear. I knew what had to be done, but I did not have the will to walk that path. So, I faltered and I delayed.
~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N: Not nearly as long as I would have liked it, but I promised myself that I'd update this weekend. I reposted the last chapter a bit ago. No major changes, just some typos mainly. Concerns: The "choice" thing, portrayal of DD and Remus, portrayal of the situation as a whole
Current musical obsession: Return of the King soundtrack. (must see the movie)
:-) Very big thanks and chocolate chips to the reviewers for last chapter: Zazz, APMOM, Kristine Thorne (Agreed: I like 6 the best so far, especially after the repost), John (3:1 maybe. Glad to find another Nickelback fan), Lady Lightning (sorry for the temp misspelling)