Correcting Velleity

Chapter 1

The familiar aching in my chest has started again. This pain, this betrayal is never going to leave me. It doesn't matter what they say, time cannot cure me this time. I find myself retreating to the outdoors often, lost in my fantasy that someone would return to me. I cannot stand to be captured inside for long. It just brings too many memories flooding back.

My heart cannot take much more. All of the life that used to burn inside me is extinguishing day by day. I cannot move anymore. I can no longer feel my body responding. Maybe Yahiko was right, I am nothing more than an old ugly nag. I chuckle as I remember him, but soon the laughter transforms into painful tears.

For six months I have been alone, but I still love him with every piece of my soul. He was my soul. Yes, six months ago my soul fled from me. Without a warning or a goodbye, Kenshin was gone. I am not angry at them for leaving. After all, Yahiko was now and an adult, and Sano...well, Sano always did what he wanted. But Kenshin...I shook my head at the thought. I do not know why he left me. I often wonder what reasons he could have for walking away. I am incomplete without him. I am nothing without him by my side. So I am left alone, and I sit here like a bird with broken wings.

I am growing tired again. The long hours of sorrow and pain have taken its toll on me for another day. I know this because I can no longer mask the hurt in my eyes. As I rise, tears still flood down my face to form saddened pools on the floor. Reaching my hand out for the shoji door, the last bloody tear falls from my eye. However, my shaking hand reaches its destination. I hear something. No, I feel something. I feel me.

The air had grown still around me. So still that I could practically feel it stagnating. And despite the absence of wind, I still shuddered. Perhaps it was because of all of the anguish I am feeling. Or perhaps it was my fear of what would, or wouldn't, be behind me.

Slowly, I managed to turn around, tracing a half circle in the floor with my eyes. Inhaling as deeply as I could, I braced myself as I raised my eyes. Before me stood a figure, strong and graceful despite its shadowy form. It advanced towards me in the fading sunlight. All I wanted to do was flee from that spot, to run and never return to the inevitable. But I could not turn away. Something about it demanded my attention. It was forcing me to see it with my frightful eyes. I was trapped in the spotlight.

"Please," I muttered to myself, although I do not know exactly why I did. It just felt so right as if it were the only thing that could possible be said at that moment. My pulse started to increase, and the air was now too thick for me to even breathe. The figure stopped, hesitating as it stood in the gate to my hoe. It seemed to be taking in everything, and regardless of the distance between us, I swear I heard a painful sigh.

Even though I could not see it, I still knew who it was and why they were here. Yes, my soul has returned to me, only to say its final goodbye.
"Kaoru," he whispers.

I close my eyes and try to find some air to breathe. I need to escape the scene before my eyes. However, my senses would not allow it. The picture was painted in my mind.

I could see him, his lean legs firmly planted to the ground on the entrance, his gi and hakama swaying ever so slightly to the rhythm of his breath. His sculpted arms strangled the air with his clenched fists as he watches me. The beautiful hair, the crimson rivers that smoothly flow to frame his angelic face. And finally, those eyes. The gentle violet that was currently flecked with fierce amber; those eyes that entrance me and force my heart to beat wildly; those eyes that allow me to see into his soul; those eyes that belong to the man that I love.

Piercing into me, I knew that he was patiently waiting, waiting for any reaction that would come from me. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out but a raspy cry. I feel tears coming on again, and I try to clamp my eyes shut even further.

I take a deep breath, preparing myself to question him, to scream at him, to tell him all of the pain that he has inflicted upon me...but more importantly, to tell him that I cannot live without him.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, I open my eyes once again. My eyes widen in shock. No longer is he standing by the gate of our home. No, he is in front of me, so close that I can feel the slight movement his breath creates on the air, so close I could feel his warmth, so close that I could see all of the torment and regret that lies in his eyes.

"Kaoru," he says once again in a raspy whisper. He opens his mouth to say more, but cannot. Instead his small frame begins to shake. I can see crystal tears shimmer like diamonds as they fall from his expressive eyes. He is crying. Kenshin...But he has already turned away from me, to hide his eyes, to regain himself. He doesn't understand that I want nothing more than to gather him in my arms and to kiss away his tears as I run my hands over his silken skin. I want to be so close to him that we mesh together and become one.

"Kaoru...I," he stammers, but still cannot get out more.

I reach out to touch his shoulder, and at my light tough he whirls around to face me. I feel nothing but his warm arms as he pulls me against his strength in a fierce embrace. Finally, I feel safe once more. But I can feel his quivering lips trembling near my ear. What can I do to ease his pain? Hoe can I comfort him when I am so hurt myself?

"Kenshin...you came back to me," I whisper as I bury my face into his neck and tighten my arms around him.

But Kenshin has tensed. Slowly, he removes me from his body. I shiver when I can no longer feel his heart beating through his chest. Looking me in the eyes, his violet orbs are so full of remorse that it kills me to see such a site. Surely I have said something wrong. This was all that I wanted, and at the first moment of my dream, I ruin it. I try to look away, but he will not allow it.

"Kaoru...I am sorry, that I am."

TBC...