TITLE: Sharing Comfort
Author: MysteriousRaven13
SUMMARY: A year has passed since the death of Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn. While Obi-Wan is still trying to come to terms with his grief, he finds that he is not the only that needs comfort.
This is my response to an Obi-Wan Workshop 'Sock' Challenge on the Jedi Council Forums. Posted under the sock 'Mushobisock'.
Disclaimer: Characters are either owned by George Lucas or Jude Watson. I just borrowed them to play with for a while.
Sometimes it is hard to fathom that a year has passed since my master's death at the end of a Sith's blade. I find that the pain and grief in my heart are still as fresh today as it was then. I had hoped that this feeling – this un-Jedi like feeling of lost and hopelessness – would slowly disappear over the months leaving nothing but a dull ache in this unwelcome abyss of memories. That hasn't happen. Yet.
Qui-Gon was more than just a master to me. Much, much more. He was like... a father. Many of the older Jedi would comment – still do in fact – about the uniqueness of the bond that Master and I shared. It was one of a kind, something that hadn't been seen in several hundred years. I hope to have this kind of bond with my own padawan, Anakin Skywalker, one day. In a way, our bond is similar – in how it was started that is – to the one I shared with my master. Shortly after the bond was extinguished with Master Qui- Gon, the Force established one between Ani and me; just as it had on that fateful day twelve years ago on the draigon planet.
I just hope the outcome will not be the same. I would hate to leave Ani all alone in this galaxy. But at least Chancellor Palpatine would be there for him. He has been very supportive and kind to us. Well, even Queen Amidala has been very helpful, but Chancellor Palpatine seems even more so. He once told me shortly after my knighting ceremony that he blamed himself for Master Qui-Gon's death. I finally gave up on trying to tell him that he was not to blame for my master's death, he seemed very adamant about it. He has even taken a personal interest in Ani over the last several months, and I know he would take Ani in if something were ever to happen to me.
At first, I did not trust the Chancellor, then Senator, several months ago. There had been this cloak of darkness that seemed to follow him wherever he went, before disappearing shortly after my master was killed. As the months went by, I realized that I had just imagined it. The Chancellor is a good man, a man who like any other politician, has had to do things that he doesn't like for the sake of the Republic. But I still wish that Master was alive. If only I had been quicker and more focused in getting to him or even staying by his side, I could have saved him. If only.
"Master Obi-Wan?"
I am startled out of my thoughts when my padawan calls me. I must stop this 'living in the past' and start focusing on the 'here and now'. I have a padawan to think about; his needs and not mine.
"Master Obi-Wan?" He says my name again. I can hear the concern in his voice, causing me to glance down at his angelic-like face. He has been crying again. There's a faint trail of tears on his face and his normally bright blue eyes are red from crying.
"I'm sorry, Ani. I was just reminiscing about something. What is it, my young padawan?" I say it with a lot of affection in my voice for him. Over the past several months of our Master-Padawan relationship, I have come to think of him as a little brother, even a son.
"Can I ask-"He seems to be hesitant about something. I wonder why? "Can I ask you something, Master?"
"You may ask me anything, Ani. You know that." At this moment, even the short time we've been together, I find myself filled with fear at the thought of something happening to him. I hope there is nothing wrong with him. However, I can sense through my end of the bond, that he is... afraid? Afraid? Afraid of what?
Ani is looking down at his feet, hesitant once again about what he wants to ask of me. "Do you still...still think of...of Master Qui-Gon?"
Of all the things, I thought he would ask me that was not one of them. The question shocked me into a profound silence. I now find myself hesitant about answering. I look down at his face and realize that I must answer him for I don't want him to think that I am offended by the question. "Yes, Ani, I still think about him every once in a while. I can't help but think of him. He was my master... my father for over twelve years, Ani. We were together for a long time." Now that I think about his question and tears, I believe I know what is troubling him. It's something that has been troubling him for the past two months. "Anakin, did you dream of your mother again?"
I realize that I hit right on the mark, as his eyes widened and a small gasp escapes from him. This dream has been the cause of many sleepless nights and I don't know how to make it go away.
"Yes, Master, the same dream again. Every time I go to see her, it is too late. She dies in my arms shortly after I find her." The tears start up again. Ani looks down at his feet, as if to hide the pain and fear that is evident in his eyes. I almost had to lean down to hear his next comment. "I don't want to lose my mother.'
I can feel the slight burning sensation in my eyes, suggesting that I am close to tears as well. I kneel down on the floor taking him in my arms as if it would keep the demons at bay. "Oh, Ani. You will never lose your mother, just as I have never lost Qui-Gon." I see the confusion on his face over the last part of my statement. "Qui-Gon may be gone physically, but his essence is all around us. There is going to be a day, when it is time for your mother to leave this life. But remember this, Ani. They may be gone from our lives, but they can never be gone from our hearts. They will always be with us, whether in person or in spirit."
As I sit there comforting Ani, I realize that life still goes on. Qui-Gon might be gone from this life physically, but he will always be with me in spirit. He never really left me; I've just allowed myself to be so caught up in my grief that I wasn't able to see him. But as I sit there holding Ani, I fail to notice the ghostly presence of my master who is smiling down at me for finally letting go of my grief and pain before disappearing. I may not have noticed, but I did feel him there. He's always been there.