Disclaimer: I don't own the series Gilmore Girls or the original characters. All I own is my imagination and the plot.

A/N: Hey! :-) It took me long enough to update this story :-) I had this faze where all I would write were one parters, but that's obviously over so I'll be updating this story as frequently as the words flow. Thanks again, Alexia :-)

Confusion is poison in my mind

Rory lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling while her fingers loosened their grip on the note she still held between them. There was no use in holding on to it tightly when she knew the words by heart, so she let go of the small piece of paper and let it flutter to the ground. It was evidence of the fact that her marriage was going downhill fast and with every day that passed, the cracks became more and more visible to her. At first, she hadn't wanted to open her eyes to face that truth and she kept them shut, even though Joey confronted her with it often.

He had been the first to admit that something was wrong, terribly wrong, and he had also been the first and only one who had tried to do something about it. Rory, on the other hand, hadn't bothered with sealing those cracks in their relationship; she knew that there was nothing she or Joey could do about them. It was true that her heart sometimes ached for someone else. Even the fights between Joey and her made her realize that, although he might be a prince charming, he wasn't her prince charming. Sure, the fights made her feel guilty, but that was the only emotion she felt lately. When with Jess, her heart would break at every single one of their fights, especially because of how sudden and harsh he could be, reckless with both his and her emotions.

-x-Flashback-x-

Rory stirred in her sleep as a gray cloud took over her dreams, prying into her slumber and pushing her to the brink of consciousness. The smothering grayness reminded her of smoke that had wrapped itself around her like a thick suffocating blanket, although, it felt liberating at the same time because of the cognizance of it. She could recognize the smell, even in her hazy state of mind. It was a smell she was confronted with practically every day, only this one was more significant, more familiar and that familiarity started to push her towards the edge, causing her to toss and turn even more and to softly moan in her sleep. She knew that smell and she was so close to putting her finger on it. Finally, she was pushed over the edge, her eyes flying open and gasping out the answer.

''Jess.'' It came out as a ragged whisper that one could pick up if they chose to.

Rory turned her head to look at the empty spot beside her, where the sheets had been tucked in again and straightened out, leaving not as much as one single wrinkle to remind her of his presence, although the faint smell of cologne and cigarettes still lingered. She recognized the latter from her dreams and almost immediately, the name of a brand popped into her head, although, the words remained unclear until she thought about it for another few seconds. Once she had adjusted herself to the smell, her eyes sleepily dragged themselves over to the window where they rested themselves on a pair of bare feet. She started to wiggle her toes without paying attention to it as she took in his appearance before her eyes lazily moved up his clad legs and past his bare chest before coming to a stop at his face. Rory smiled at his unshaven face. She could feel the roughness of it against her skin if she closed her eyes. Her eyes wandered up to his unruly hair before lowering them down to his face again, her gaze darkening at the cigarette that now hung carelessly from his lips. She watched him take a drag.

Jess looked directly at her as he removed the cigarette from his mouth so he could exhale. He knew that the smoke shouldn't bother her too much because he had opened the window to a crack before he had even fished the cigarette out of his pocket. He looked at her as she lay on the bed, her hair spread out on the pillow and the straps of her tank top halfway down her arms. The word beautiful came to mind, just because of how she looked lying there and how her eyes were following his every move. No one had ever observed him so closely and no one had ever seen him so vulnerable before, almost on the edge of breaking because of her beauty. He took one last drag of his cigarette before putting it out in a cup of water he had gotten out of the bathroom earlier, knowing that a question was going to leave her mouth within seconds and that after a few more, words would be spilling out of his mouth, too - words he didn't always mean.

''What's wrong?'' Rory finally asked, her voice sounding soft and fragile from the slumber she had just awoken from, although Jess knew that it was also the tone she used with him when she wanted to let him know that she was just trying to understand him.

''I think I made a mistake.''

''A mistake...,'' Rory repeated, not wanting to state it as a question because she was afraid of his answer.

''I think I made a mistake by...'' Jess paused so he could avert his eyes from Rory's searching ones, hoping to find the answer before he would actually tell her because that would hurt her more. ''I think I made a mistake by sleeping with you.''

Rory opened her mouth to gasp, but no sound came out. She felt as if all her emotions were caught in her throat, stuck, just like she was right now. She brought her gaze up to the ceiling, hoping that if she would keep them looking up the tears wouldn't get the chance to fill her eyes with the pain and sadness she was feeling at the moment. His words stung and they made her feel as nervous and insecure as she was on the night that they slept together. A night that had been one of her happiest ones and now she already found herself regretting it. At this last thought, tears sprung to her eyes and she lowered them, not caring anymore that she was crying.

''Why?'' Rory managed to utter, her words shaky and unstable.

''Because you deserved your first time to be with someone better.'' Jess briefly paused again before continuing. ''No matter how much you don't want to believe your mom, she is right about me.''

''Jess,'' Rory tried.

''I do have an influence on you, otherwise you wouldn't have slept with me, not on your own free will...''

''Jess, please,'' Rory pleaded, her vision blurred by all of the tears she was shedding because of how he was carving into her heart.

''...rom the first time your mom saw me, she judged me and thought that I was no good. And now, even though we are together, she still doesn't trust me and now that I slept with you, she will probably see me as a complete screw-up... a screw-up that fucked her daughter for that matter,'' Jess crudely finished, not realizing what he had done until he heard Rory's harsh reply.

''I hope I was a good one.''

Rory turned onto her side so her back was facing Jess. She covered her mouth with her right hand to muffle her cries while her left was clawing into the pillow. Although she was trying her best not to let him see her upset, Jess could tell by her shaking figure that she really was. This time, he had scarred her with his words - words he had only said because he cared so much about her.

He looked at her for a while, torturing himself by letting his heart break slowly, piece by piece. He let out a defeated sigh as he approached the bed. He stopped and stood there, letting even more seconds fade away as he looked down at her, wondering why she was one of the only people in this town who chose to see both his good and bad sides. Jess carefully climbed onto the bed and laid down next to her, being sure not to press his body against hers like he usually did, although the warmth that he could feel radiating from her skin was tempting.

Rory held her breath when she felt the mattress shift underneath his weight. Because of the tight silence between them, she could hear his heart beat, although, it could also be her imagination. She knew that he had a heart, but sometimes he just acted too easily without thinking, making his heartbeat fade to a sound she could barely hear.

''I didn't know we were in a fight; I didn't know there was something to fight about,'' she hesitantly started, unsure of where to go from here. She moved her lips, but when nothing came out she closed them again, thinking about what she wanted to say.

''I'm sorry you feel like that, but you didn't force me into sleeping with you and I don't understand why you would even think that. It wasn't just your choice, you know?'' Rory finished, wiping the tears from her eyes, not knowing how long it would take for them to be replaced by new ones - by fresh ones.

''Ror, I...''

''I hate it when you're like this. It's as if you don't care and... and it hurts because I think you do, I know you do... because you can be so kind to me sometimes, like when we...'' Rory trailed off and took a shaky breath. ''Why do you have to be that way?''

Jess moved a little closer towards her, although, there was still an inch of space between them. He gently kissed her on the shoulder before placing his hand on her arm.

''I didn't mean to turn it into a fight.'' He slid his hand down to her hand, but didn't reach for it.

''Then what did you mean?'' Rory whispered. ''If you really regret it, then I'm...''

''No,'' Jess said, placing another kiss on her shoulder. ''I shouldn't have said that.''

''Then why...''

Jess sighed. ''I'm...I'm just...''

''You're what?'' Rory asked, curious about his answer.

''Insecure,'' Jess admitted.

''Insecure? But, why? I mean, you must have had relationships before and you must have...''

''Those were different from what we have. You're different, you actually care about what I feel and about what I want, even though I don't always make that crystal clear to you. I just don't want you to feel like I've taken you for granted because...''

''I know,'' Rory interrupted. She reached for Jess's hand with her own and entangled her fingers loosely with his. ''You don't have to be perfect. No one is, Jess.''

''You are,'' he whispered against the back of her neck, causing her to smile.

''Thank you,'' she said, although, she hadn't meant on saying that. She had meant on saying something else. She had meant on telling him that she loved him, but she didn't think that he was ready to deal with that so she waited. Another perfect moment would come along.

-x-End of Flashback-x-

Rory turned onto her side so she was now facing her closet as she thought about the fights she had with Jess. They would always appear out of nowhere, although Rory knew that Jess's mind would be occupied by a particular subject for several days before he actually brought it to her attention. It had taken her a while to figure that out and read between the lines. Finally, she had gotten tired of searching for answers constantly and of trying to pinpoint his emotions so after a while, she had just accepted his enigmatic persona, even though she would still get frustrated at him every now and then because he made such a big deal of keeping his feelings hidden from her.

Joey, on the other hand, hadn't been as difficult to understand. She had been able to unravel his mystery sooner than she had expected by asking her share of questions and just simply by observing. Joey was very sensitive and thoughtful towards her and that was a part of his charm, but it also took away a big part of it.

Rory let out a frustrated sigh as she forced herself to make a decision because she couldn't keep up this act. She couldn't keep lying to Joey and let him believe that she was happy with what they had when she kept thinking of what used to and might still be between her and Jess. She had to at least try and find out if her feelings for Jess were genuine, and, if they weren't or if he rejected her, then she would at least know because she would rather be alone than unhappy.

Rory swiftly got up from the bed and headed into the living room where she sat down on the couch with the phone in her hands. The thought of calling Joey instead crossed her mind, but knowing that it would only get them into another fight, she dialed another number instead. It rang for a while before someone answered.

''Yeah?''

She recognized that voice instantly and it brought a lot of memories up to the surface - memories of him talking to her, whispering, and even yelling at her, but she forced herself not to think about anything so she could focus all of her attention on the conversation they were about to have.

''It's Rory.''

She waited, although, she wasn't sure for what because she hadn't expected him to talk. Jess could remain angry or upset with her for a long time and she hated it, but what she hated the most were the silences that would fall between them every time he was - silences that could last up to a couple of days because of both his and her stubbornness. This time, however, she wouldn't remain quiet and listen to him breathe; that wasn't enough for her anymore, just like those dreams and memories weren't enough for her anymore.

''Please, don't hang up. I have something to say to you.''

Rory paused for a few seconds to listen if he was still there.

''I..... I want to see you.''

''What?''

Rory smiled at his expectable response. ''I want to see you.'' This time she said it without any hesitation. ''I know that I haven't been honest with Joey, but I haven't been honest with you, either. I've been having these dreams, lately - dreams... dreams about us, or I guess they're really memories of when we used to be together.''

''What does that mean, Rory?'' Jess interrupted.

''Well...'' Rory started, her hands shaking because of how nervous she seemed to be. ''I don't know, but that's what I want to find out. I can't keep lying to Joey.''

''That's your business.''

''Jess, I...''

''And what makes you think that I still care? What makes you think that I'm not fed up with all of this?'' Jess asked, his tone harsh and demanding.

''Maybe you don't, but I keep thinking about you... I just want to see you and hang out.''

Jess sighed. ''Isn't it a little too late for hat? I mean, you're married and I don't think Joey will approve.''

''Joey already knows that there was something between us and he suspects that there still is... Jess, he's spending the night with one of his friends.''

''I don't think that it'll make things better if we meet somewhere,'' Jess said genuinely.

''I'm not sure that I want to make things better. I don't think I'm happy anymore.''

''God, Ror, you can't expect me to do this, can you?'' he asked.

''No, I can't. Only do this if you want to... and if you can still find a place in your heart for me.''

''There always will be,'' he confessed. ''Fine. Where do you wanna meet?''

''I'll come to Stars Hollow tomorrow. Maybe we can browse through books at the local bookstore.''

''Are you sure that this is what you want?''

Rory smiled. ''Yes.''

''Okay then, stop by the diner when you're in town.''

With those last words, he hung up.

REVIEW! Please? :-) I doubt anyone is still interested in this story because even I'm not such a big fan of this story anymore, probably because I want to start something new, but I know that I will have to finish this one first. Thanks for your patience and for your kind reviews. :-) I feel like my writing just keeps going downhill... :-) Just ignore me. :-)