The Quandary
Chapter 3 - The Dream
Haibara shook her head, pushing the thoughts of the Organization and her sister to the back of her head, then gave a mental start, suddenly aware that the blue eyed boy she was facing had been saying something to her in an inquiring tone. Something about... what was his question? Maybe it was-
"Hey! Snap out of it!" Conan refrained from yelling. Well, he tried to. It came out as a shout, but at least it wasn't the quavering, hoarse whimper that he felt like uttering. They came... Haibara's words reverberated in his brain, each resounding echo accompanied with what seemed like a forceful blow to the stomach.
"Is something wrong?" Haibara demanded in her usual cold tone.
"Come on! First, you start to explain why you've been acting so weird. You manage to spew out two words, and then you trail off into silence," Conan answered.
"Um..." Ai shivered as if the mere thought of them had summoned an aura of iciness, as if she had been plunged into the freezing waters of the Arctic. "I went to answer the door, but they had already broken in and had only used the doorbell to get my attention," her eyes flashed at the thought of being summoned, but as her thoughts turned to her sister, bewilderment surfaced in the blue eyes.
Astonished by the excessive show of emotion, Conan, unsure of what to do, merely stood waiting, occasionally reaching up to brush the unruly lock of black hair out of his dark blue eyes.
"They came, and said that we have two options: A) Die and let their targets live for another two years until they get another biochem guy to finish the Drug, or B) Perfect the APTX, save ourselves but technically murder hundreds. They said if I finished it, we could walk, and we'd never hear from them again. We could fade from the surface of this cruel world..."
"and live together in peace... just the two of us..." Conan added before thinking about the words flowing from his mouth. His words were followed by an awkward silence as the pale color of his face gave way to a red hue.
At first, Ai thought he meant "live together in peace" as in "coexist in the same place (i.e. a room) at the same time without coming to blows on subjects such as 'APTX-4869' or 'antidote', but from the expression on his face, as well as the following words, he obviously meant something else. She refrained from laughing, but couldn't help the sarcastic remark that had formed in her mind. "Has our relationship progressed to such a state? I hadn't noticed," she smirked, "And that's not 'we' as in me and you; it's 'we' as in me and-" Wait, is it really a good idea to tell him? You can't trust people, and who knows if they've planted any bugs here? No, it's not safe, no matter the reason. But could he really be in deeper sht than he's in now? Well, no matter. I can always tell him later... "...you," she finished lamely, but she still wore the mask, making it a strange combination of a cold, steely look and stuttering words. Well, it's the partial truth... "Anyways, they left after that..."
"Then that pill you just destroyed... it was APTX-4869? Just... enhanced?" Conan spat the word out distastefully.
Haibara nodded. "Yeah... "
"Then... your sister?" Conan inquired.
"How did you kno- dmn..." Haibara scowled, realizing her blunder.
"I didn't... but I do now," Conan gloated.
Although he could sense none of it from her blank face and casual posture, Conan detected a touch of something in her voice. Shame resulting from the fact that she had perfected the poison, he told himself firmly, not regret that she threw away her chance to save her sister. "Your sister," Conan began, shifting the subject from APTX-4869 after the uncomfortable pause; they both knew a considerable number of people had been killed with it, and did not have pleasant memories about it. "If she's really smart enough to hide her intelligence when she was five years old, why-"
"Of all-" Ai began furiously; Conan's change of subject was not a good one. Then, as suddenly as it came, her fury dissipated, or rather, she veiled it. All that remained, the sole indicator of her present mood, was the glacial glint that enhanced the freezing chill of her normally frigid blue eyes.
Conan's face contorted in a grimace. Besieged by that wintry spark and fixed stare, Conan was pummeled into apologizing. "I... I'm sorry." It was like being thrown headfirst and naked into the Arctic Ocean. The shock, the stabbing daggers... keep moving unless you want to freeze. "Keep moving unless you want to freeze..." he muttered to himself.
"What?" Haibara's eyebrows rose to emphasize the question.
"Nothing," he answered quickly, "I mean, uh, why... why did you..." his eyes strayed towards the fine powder strewn on the basement floor, barely visible due to the lack of adequate light. "You've probably weighed all of your options, and..."
"By your standards, destroying the pill would be the first thought. The only thought. It would be the right thing to do," she added in a mocking tone. "So the fact that you asked that question means that you're surprised that I destroyed the pill. You're surprised that I did the right thing." The frostiness never left her eyes, though it didn't touch her voice.
Floundering in the Arctic Ocean, Conan just hit an iceberg. "Uh... no, just-" Conan stammered, "Not that you did the right thing, just that you... you just threw away your sister's life, if not yours." He didn't mention that, in rejecting the Organization's offer, she had saved his life.
"Well, I could always tell them that no matter how I... perfect it, there will be a small number of people who are immune to if due to differences in biological structures, minor as they are. Besides, I could always kill you; I'd get credit for that," Haibara continued in the usual listless tone.
Please tell me that was a bad joke... "Um..." Aloud, Conan floundered for words.
"What's your choice?" Haibara interrupted, despite the fact that she was sure Conan would sacrifice himself for those that were targeted by the Organization.
"Huh?" Conan asked, staring blankly at her and shaking his head as if waking from a trance. "What?"
"Even though ultimately it is my decision, I can't make this choice for others. You have two options. Choose your fate." Because she knew what the reply would be, the tone in which she spoke was strangely calm.
"Oh... Well, there really isn't much choice, is there?" Conan replied softly, a sad smile accompanying the determined glint sparkling in his azure eyes.
"Yeah... what other course of action would you choose?"
Haibara's Diary
6-20, 22:38
I talked to Kudo today... the response he gave me wasn't the clearest in the world, but... from what I've gathered, he plans to sacrifice himself. Speaking of Kudo, he said something weird today... okay, disturbing as the thought is, I'll dismiss it, and hope that I never have to draw it again. Back to the Dilemma -- either we live with the knowledge of literally killing tons of people, or we die and they get to live for 5 more years at the max. "There really isn't much choice, is there?" The look in his clear blue eyes, the slight curve of his mouth, and the sad sparkle on his face all contributed to that stupidly self-sacrificial aura radiating from him that clearly enunciated his intent to submit to their will and travel one of the paths they revealed. If I'd done that, where what would I be now? A couple of atoms and molecules scattered throughout the world? It's time to think outside the box. We'll have to expose the Organization. We'll have to take them out.
Conan's Diary
6-20, 8:42 PM
Dmn, I can't believe I said that out loud, in front of her! I can't even believe I'd say that!
... Especially when... Ran just... died... three weeks ago. I thought I'd gotten over it when we realized that making an antidote wasn't just 'not quite feasible', it was utterly impossible. To me, she might as well have died then... or that's what I thought, at least. But the reality of it... and how it happened... why it happened... who made it happen...
But as for the more pressing matter on hand, I did successfully trick Haibara into thinking that I'd give my life for the people, which is actually just confirming what she knew I'd say. It's a good thing; that way, I cam plan and operate without endangering anyone else. But I've decided what I'll really do. I pick option 3. I'll have to expose the Organization. I'll have to take them out.
The soft, pale light of the moon illuminated the frame of a small figure sitting on a bed, reclining against the headboard, and staring out the open window at the scintillating sea of stars winking from the distant expanse of darkness. Her strawberry blond hair fluttered as a soft zephyr brushed by, rustling the sheer curtains as it went. She could hear the groan of the mattress from the adjacent room, as well as faint mumbles, which she dismissed until she heard:
"Wait, no! Don't do it, don't shoot her! Haibara... Haibara!!"
What if they... without any further consideration, Haibara jumped off the bed and dashed out of her room. She approached the room next door cautiously, analyzing the situation from the tiny crack of the open door. She saw nothing, so she flung the door open and stepped in.
"Huh?" Conan sat up breathing heavily, his black hair soaked with perspiration, diluted eyes frantically searching the room.
Seeing that no one else was in the room, Haibara turned to Conan. "What the hell was that?" she demanded, anger contracting her eyebrows into a slight frown. "I was sleeping, you know, what normal people do at night," she lied.
"A dream?" he whispered incredulously. "Just a nightmare? But it was so real..." Conan seemed to calm down, shifting his gaze to Haibara. His voice faded away when he saw the disapproving frown on her face. "It was the Organization," he began, dropping his gaze to stare at his covers. "It was like when Ran died, except instead of having to pick between Ran and the people downtown, it was her life or...yours," he finished, lifting his head slightly to look at her.
"Charming," Haibara answered with unfeigned disinterest. "I'm sure that since I'm not as important as a couple thousand bystanders, you saved her this time. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get back to sleep, as it is quite early in the morning..."
Conan looked up, noting that she'd once again slipped on her mask of indifference. "Yeah... sorry about that," he glanced at the clock. 2:49 AM. "See you later in the morning..." he called towards her retreating back.
Haibara turned, fixing Conan with an even stare, eyebrows slightly lifted in amusement. "Sweet dreams," she turned and left with a soft snicker, gracefully weaving through the maze of dirty clothes, detective novels, cleats, junk food wrappers, and Agasa-made gadgets.
With the soft click of Haibara's door, Conan reached up with a shaking hand to wipe his forehead, mentally recalling the dream.
He was blindly running forward in the ominous darkness, struggling to keep his labored breathing even in the stifling environment of pungent air. For some reason, it was imperative that he find the light, the beacon shining in the darkness. He just had to. After a long stretch, he stopped to rest against the wall, breathing heavily, shirt soaked with perspiration, heat racing wildly. When he looked up, the darkness had been replaced by a faint, fuzzy star of light twinkling in the distance. Ignoring the stitches in his side, "14" year old Conan Edogawa raced towards the light, running as he never had before. The small flashes of light grew larger and larger, steadying, and finally seemingly moving forward, towards him. When he burst into the lit room, he only had time to observe that the vast room was barren and unfurnished, with only a small lamp hanging from the ceiling, a few chairs, and a bare desk before a whirl of black, blond, brown, and red blurred his vision as his sharp ears picked up the sound of a gun cocking.
"Freeze, Kudo, or she dies," a cold voice demanded in a soft, lazy voice. Gin had appeared from nowhere, and now stood about twelve feet from Conan. As usual, he was dressed in a black trench coat and boots, his blond hair swaying as if a gust of wind had just torn through the room. He held a small gun pressed against Ran Mouri's temple. A dazed, moronic look surfaced on Ran's face. " 'Kudo'?" she repeated stupidly.
"Shut up!" Gin snarled, furious at the interruption. "You want to die?"
"Die? You're not killing anyone until you've had your 'fun', you sick bstard," Ran shouted angrily.
Gin laughed coldly. "Well, you're not retarded after all, just extremely dumb, like those musclemen," he retorted, with a glance in Vodka's direction, "able to kick butt... to some sorry extent, but unable to think for lack of a competent brain."
Enraged, Ran drove her elbow into Gin's stomach... or at least as far as it would go, which was not at all. Her left elbow came into contact with what seemed like a solid wall of steel, sending a jarring wave of pain up her arm. Pocketing the gun, Gin raised a fisted arm to block the descent of her right arm with lightning speed, then delivered a teasing blow to her head, and planting a palm on her back and pushing her forward almost simultaneously, slamming her head against the floor in rage. From the doorway, Conan tried to help, but was powerless; all he saw was a blur of movement as Gin struck. Gin pulled the gun out and once again pointed it at Ran's head.
"Stop! Don't hurt her; don't shoot her!" Conan pleaded.
"Shoot? You think it'll be that easy? While I do agree that being shot like a dog is rather fitting for her, I prefer something else, such as asphyxiation, starvation, drowning, maybe... perhaps the quaint little water deprivation trick with a jug of water just out of reach..."
It was then that Conan realized that he didn't want Gin in jail, he wanted Gin dead, ashes scattered amongst the world. Stop it! he ordered sternly. Anger fogs your vision; look what happened to Ran. He couldn't help but shoot a quick glance at the floor, at Ran. Look of exhaustion, blood flowing down her face... Conan looked back up.
"What do you want me to do?" he asked as he realized that he'd lost. "What do I have to do?" he asked in a pleading, broken voice as he felt the war,, we tears trailing down his face.
"Do?" Gin repeated, puzzled. I merely wanted you to witness the death... and to confirm your identity, both of which you have stupidly fulfilled by coming here." Gin mocked, his voice dripping with feigned innocence as he widened his eyes and straightened his face. "But your offer to do something... to save her life... All right," he exclaimed, snapping his fingers and nodding at Vodka. "Simple, really. Just say the word and she's free.
Conan looked up, not daring to believe it. Haltingly, he opened his mouth. "Let --"
"I'm not done, you idiot," Gin interrupted without a single trace of anger, still gloating at his ingenious new idea. "You must pick," he smiled at Conan, "between them."
Confused, Conan looked up - just in time to see Vodka re-enter the room, followed by a girl with strawberry blond hair, standing without the slightest trace of emotion on her face.
Shock seized his mind, dread numbing his body as he realized what he would do, what he had to do. Sure, Ran was more important to him than almost any other person, but when compared to Haibara, she was nothing. "I... I'm sorry, Ran," he began, staring at his shoes, unable to look at her. "I... I have to. If I had any other way..." his fists clenched, his jaw tightened, and his entire body tensed. "Free Haibara," he finished in a stronger voice.
Ran looked up. "You're wrong," she whispered weakly, "That's not Shinichi Kudo... he wouldn't choose anyone in the world over me."
"What do you know, you moron? When you... parted, all you knew was that you liked him. You have no idea how he feels about you; even in the phone calls, he never mentions it," Gin sneered at the prone figure on the floor before turning to Conan.
"You did it," he said, a maniacal grin on his face. "You condemned her to death, after I listed the possibilities. Starvation. Dehydration. Asphyxiation. Drowning. Blood loss..." Gin clearly voiced each possibility cruelly, adding the most recent brainchild of his sadistic mind. Conan collapsed, facedown on the floor, mumbling.
"What's that?" Gin asked mildly, still thinking about alternative methods.
"Starve her," Conan replied in a stronger tone.
"Yeah, right. I know what you're doing; that stupid backward psychology crap so we don't starve her. Well, congratulations, you're getting what you asked for. Vodka! You heard what our young guest "requested"... go do that immediately after this, and feel free to be creative!
"No..." Conan, who still hadn't moved, seemed for all the world like a child upon the brink of despair... that is, to everyone who didn't see the joyous grin he had on his face for the brief second before he rose, once again the child seized by grief.
"Now, leave. I'll give you a few years to wallow in self-disgust and regret before I come for you," he announced, motioning to Vodka, who grabbed the two "children", knocked them out by exposure to sleeping gas, and disappeared into the darkness.
It was exactly the same as what happened in reality, just that it was Ran or the couple thousand people who had unwittingly wandered into the Organization's trap, and Haibara wasn't there at all. I had been wishing I could've done something else... wishing so badly that I dreamt about it, but when I did, I still left her to die, even when the stakes weren't as high. Why would I do that? What the hll was I thinking? He clenched his hands, grabbing fistfuls of black hair. Why?! Why?! WHY?!?!?! Calm down, he ordered, lowering his head so that its weight was once again evenly distributed between his upturned palms propped on his knees as he sat cross-legged. You have no control over what happens in your dreams, he was telling himself when he suddenly remembered a small scrap of information, one of the few things he actually learned in Psychology: sometimes, dreams reflect your inner self and feelings, even the ones you're not quite aware of yet.