Thankyou for the continued encouragement. Sorry I'm only tackling one chapter at a time, but a little and often is a recommended diet. Just to clear up a few things. I'm sure it is obvious I detest the films, but I AM a huge fan of the books. Just some things confuse/amuse me sometimes. I reserve my right to make fun of them, as if JK had a problem she could easily make sure I was impaled on a souvenir pointy hat. In defence of later British comment I'd like to say I am such a person described and have summarily kicked my own arse for such a slur against my kind. This should also explain my spelling. Oh, and any American comments are totally in jest but if anyone is offended then tell me and I will get my best friend Alex, with whom I have continual Yank/Brit arguments, and he will be more than willing to inflict several forms of hell onto my fragile female form. OK? Right.
Disclaimer: again: to be sure: HP is still not mine. Sadly. Still not rich. Sadly.
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HARRY is in his room. While seemingly unscarred by the fact he is locked in and being fed through a cat flap, he is thouroughly PISSED OFF by the lack of letters from his friends. He NEEDS to sort out his priorities (sorry – that line needed a small mention on account of being the most irritating in PS.) HARRY shows his bad temper with an expression that looks like his eyebrows are attempting to migrate to beneath his nose. Try it, you'll see what I mean. And look pretty dumb too.
VERNON: You! Boy! We're – going – out!
HARRY: Aren't you a little scared to do that? While you're
out I could easily call for help. I'm sure the social services
would be keen to know why you lock me in a room and feed me
through a cat flap.
PETUNIA: Not at all. Nobody mentioned a thing even when
Vernon got his fat arse up a ladder to fix bars to your window.
The bars were hardly inconspicuous, nor was the flying car that
removed them, but surely the fact that he could lift his heavy
load up there without breaking the ladder would cause comment.
But no, and this is because our neighbours are middle class
suburban Brits. As such they are stupid, ignorant, and above all
else, very dull.
HARRY: Whatever. Like I'd bother to complain to anyone
anyway. Y'know, sometimes I wonder if this bothers me at all.
VERNON: Shut – up. We're – going!
They leave. HARRY watches paint dry for a while, then hears
something downstairs, shadowy figures are in the hall. Tense
music strikes up for the sake of the audience in case they
haven't realized the imminent danger. HARRY once more reaches
for his WAND.
MOODY: Put that damn thing away boy. Hells, we managed to
get into your house and open your door. You're screwed if we
want to kill you.
HARRY: Professor Moody?
MOODY: Well, never really got to be a professor did I? I
mean, I'm supposed to be the most vigilant Auror around right?
But I find myself taken off guard and overpowered by a single
man. Not even at his peak may I add. Plus the fact that people
I'd known forever didn't recognize the change in me, and nobody,
not even that git Malfoy thought to complain that I was using
Unforgivables. You'd've thought he'd do anything to get a
teacher, especially a supposed Auror in trouble. And why on
earth did that idiot Crouch help you overcome the Unforgivables?
Great way to help his master, that, making you stronger. I'd've
continually slipped you degenerative poison or something. P'raps
that's because I've got more than one brain cell to keep the
other company. Ah well, the mind boggles.
HARRY: Errrr
UGLY GIT: Come on Harry, we haven't got all day you know.
HARRY: Professor Lupin?
UGLY GIT: That's me
An attractive looking stranger enters (to me he's a little like Sean Bean) and steps in front of the ugly git. This is LUPIN.
LUPIN: No it damn well ain't. I'M Remus Lupin. Moody, you
thought you had it bad Crouch pretending to be you? Look at what
they tried to do to me in the third film! As if ANYONE could
possibly believe this rat looking fool could play me. He's a dam
imposter.
LUPIN does some special effects laden kung fu to kick UGLY GIT
back to whatever deranged LSD fuelled casting room he came from.
Just to appease me. Ain't I special?
LUPIN: Now that's sorted, where were we?
TONKS: I was about to appear. Wotcher Harry!
HARRY: Wotcher? What the - ?
TONKS: It's an expression stolen from Terry Pratchett to
try and make me sound young and cool.
NANNY OGG briefly nips in to steal her catchphrase back. But not
before trying to proposition HARRY and LUPIN.
HARRY: Wotcher?
WARNING: Never try to use 'cool' words to get in touch with the
homies ('the youth of today') because the word will become wack
(unfashionable) in a week in any case, and the very fact you're
trying to sound 'fly' (cool) will make you sad (uncool) anyway.
[A/N: Sorry for the unused and outdated expressions, but I feel
that therefore a point has been well made]
TONKS: Whatever, girlfriend. I'm brill anyway because my
face changes.
Insert some expensive CG face changing that lasts 3 seconds but
eats up a fifth of the budget, leaving no money for plot,
costumes, acting etc.
LUPIN: Come on, lets go.
HARRY: Wait – there's plenty more people downstairs. Don't
I get to meet them?
LUPIN: You would in the book, however, in the film only the
main characters will be introduced. Hang on
LUPIN clicks his fingers to remove the other shadowy figures.
LUPIN: Right, lets be off.
HARRY: Cool, how?
LUPIN: We're going to fly in a long, cold and tedious broom
formation.
HARRY: Really?
AUDIENCE: Really?
HARRY: Why couldn't you just double apparate me there or
something?
AUDIENCE: Yeah, that'd be pretty cool. As long as the effects
are better than the Floo Powder scene.
LUPIN: No – we're sticking to something we know. There'll
already be enough surprisingly previously unmentioned additions
to Hogwarts with Luna and the thestrals, never mind discovering
that people can Double Apparate. I mean, why wasn't it used
before? It's like in Star Wars Episode 2 where R2 D2 learns to
fly. Wouldn't he have used it before? Never mind how helpful
that would have been in IV, V and VI...
HARRY: OK, point taken. Big broom formation it is.
They mount their brooms. Then realize how stupid the formation
is with only 3 others.
TONKS: Looks like we're going to have to bring back the
others.
CUT TO: Mid flight, 7 other figures have appeared from nowhere.
AUDIENCE: What the hell? Where did they come from? You can't
just add characters so the scene looks good. Who are they?
LUPIN: Don't worry, the production team will sort it out.
The production team solve the problem. By ignoring it and hoping
it will go away.
AUDIENCE: Wait! You can't do that. That's like just skipping
the flight to get to the destination quicker.
CUT TO: A misty moor in front of a looming castle.
AUDIENCE: Oh right. Well, the broom sequence reeked of green
screen anyway.
LUPIN: What the hell? This isn't 12 Grimmauld Place.
PRODUCTION: We thought a castle would be more appropriate.
LUPIN: You can't mess with the facts like that.
PRODUCTION: We have in the past. Plenty of times. Omitting best
lines, taking away the Malfoy/Weasley fight. I mean, just look
at what we did to you.
LUPIN has to be physically restrained.
TONKS: Put us back.
PRODUCTION: Oh all right.
CUT TO: A shadowy London street.
HARRY: Where are we?
MOODY: Memorise this
HARRY is shown a piece of paper with the words 12 Grimmauld
Place to memorise. Most of the audience do as well, and many
obsessive fan boys form links between this and our old friend
the Grim. Many also need to taste fresh air.
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Well, that's the third part, a little short and dull, but more
reviews means more chapters. And no offence intended to fan boys
– who I'm sure will notice the irony seeing as I'm one myself.
Tune in soon for the next thrilling installment : Number Twelve
Grimmauld Place
A place name? For a thrilling chapter? We'll have to do
something about that
Sham.
P.S. My name is from Terry Pratchett's Discworld books