WOW! Still more reviews! That makes me all warm and tingly. Or something a little less cliched. Well, I finally got my computer back up and running, sorry it's been a little while.
Just a quick Q before we begin. I'm working on a small fic based primarily around the Marauders. Now, just want to know, does anyone waste their time on cliched, slushy, unrealistic Mary Sue storylines any more? Or am I totally wasting my time? Actually, don't answer that, sadly I already know. Ah well... for my entertainment only then.
But on to tonight's show... or something. Uh – oh – I feel a bout of Harry's-CAPS-Tourettes coming on...
START THE DAMN FIC ALREADY!
Harry Potter is an unusual boy in many ways. Well, one way really. He is a wizard. Which is only unusual assuming you're not one yourself. Or if you don't know who Harry Potter is. Which I'm assuming you do, otherwise what are you doing here? And if you do know who he is then this is not unusual at all. Oh, and he defeated the most evil wizard of all time last year. Sort of. And the year before, and a few times before that. Anyway, what IS strange is that Ron and Hermione manage to last the entire chapter without bashing Harry's spoilt little brains out.
THE STORY SO FAR:
Harry has spent the summer at his aunt and uncle's house all alone. To blow off steam he defeated some Dementors. He's probably about to be kicked out of Hogwarts. Well, we all know he can't be otherwise this film would be pretty short and dull, BUT, the tense music in the background suggests the director believes there is some suspense to be found here and is intent on milking it for all it's worth.
Harry is standing on a cold street in London expecting to be taken to the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix but all he has been given is a scrap of paper with the words
'The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix may be found at number twelve Grimmauld Place, London'
The camera focuses on this writing in a close up for a considerable time, giving the slower readers enough time to digest this dificult information...
...still close up....
...aren't you done yet?...
OK, the camera pans up to reveal the house numbers and their unnecessarily quirky occupants... number ten (loud music and punk hairstyles), number eleven (indistinct shapes through the curtains, are they having sex? Surely not – this is a family film!), number thirteen (three Stormtroopers watching – blink and you'll miss it! You'll have to pause your DVD at the exact time to catch this – seriously it'll take you at least 2 hours... you still want to do it? It's gonna be worth it at the end? Whatever, it's your weekend not mine – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire! Talk about ironic) ... but wait! No number twelve! Tense, eh?
LUPIN: Think about what you've just memorised
HARRY shuts his eyes and screws up his face, a clear sign that his cognitive functions are working.
JKR: Harry thought, and no sooner had he reached the part about number twelve Grimmauld Place, than a battered door emerged out of nowhere between numbers eleven and thirteen, followed swiftly by dirty walls and grimy windows. It was as though an extra house had inflated, pushing those on either side out of its way. [This will involve a lot of irritating Cat in the Hat style CG. As per.] Harry gaped at it. The stereo in number eleven (A/N: OK, I know I said it was number ten, just let it slide OK? The joke worked better that way. Anyway – they could be listening to Barry White. You STILL don't think they're doing it?) thudded on. Apparently the Muggles inside hadn't felt anything.
AUDIENCE: What? So how did this happen? Did Harry thinking about it call it into being? Or was it always there it was just Harry's perception that altered? And if so why did it move like that then? And is the piece of paper magic? Because surely Muggles thought about the lack of a Number Twelve. Why didn't the paper get torn up? Isn't it a bit dangerous to be carrying that around the whole time? What about the people inside? Is there any movement for them? Or are they always constant? Can you hear sounds from inside? And if Lupin's been there before could he see it and Harry not? And could he enter the house when Harry was still blind to it? And what would Harry see if Lupin went into the house Harry can't see? Does it operate on a
different wavelength to normal optical wa -
MOODY: Shut the hell up. And you boy, get inside.
They enter a derelict house, covered in serpents and black and all sorts of interesting design that us sadly passed over in a second to see a very wasted talent of Julie Walters as
MRS WEASLEY: Hello Harry dear. Instead of the firm yet sweet and generally likeable character presented in the books for some reason in the films I am interpreted as a rather irrtating, how would I put it? Oh yes, fusspot.
MRS WEASLEY hugs Harry before flapping some more
MRS WEASLEY: Oh Harry. Lovely to see you. You look peaky, we'll feed you up. All of a flutter. Oooh – I'm flustered. We have a VERY IMPORTANT MEETING.
MRS WEASLEY checks to make sure she has the audience's interest peaked.
MRS WEASLEY: Now pop upstairs and see Ron and Hermione there's a good lad, while we have our VERY IMPORTANT MEETING.
HARRY complains a little to stay in character and then does as he's told.
HARRY climbs the stairs, attention focusing this time on the serpents decorating everything.
JKR: Harry's bewilderment deepened with every step he took. What on earth were they doing in house that looked as though it belonged to the Darkest of wizards?
AUDIENCE: It probably does. Or did. Simple. Why does the boy have to make everything complicated?
HARRY opens a bedroom door to find two absolute strangers.
HARRY: What the - ?
HERMIONE: It's me, Hermione!
RON: (Looks confused before saying) I'm Ron. I think.
The two strangers are in fact Hermione and Ron. However, since WB continue to use the same actors for continuity's sake, some things are slightly odd.
HARRY: But – you look about 24! That's not right! Aren't we supposed to be 15?
HERMIONE: You're no spring chicken yourself Harry boy.
HARRY glances in the mirror to see that he does indeed look about 10 years older than he should. HERMIONE puts a reassuring arm around his shoulder.
HERMIONE: Don't worry Harry. They did it on Dawson's Creek, and nobody said a thing. And we're not talking in inner psychobabble either.
RON proves this point by looking scared and letting out a small scream. For no reason. He just seems to do it a lot in the films.
HERMIONE: So, how have you been? I will turn out to not only be super smart, but also very insightful, and as such can tell that you're not in the best of moods.
HARRY: Yes, as a matter of fact I am a little downcast. You see, I've been feeling a little, how do you say – 'out of the loop' and am somewhat perturbed th-
AUDIENCE: Oh, God. Tortured poor little soul Harry is wearing a bit thin. He's more sickly than toffee popcorn dipped in the melted chocolate that you get off the Maltesers when you squeeze them between your knees for twenty minutes... mmmm
JKR: Really? OK, shit. Quick development of character to meet audience demands ... and - there we go...
JKR does some swift typing and HARRY promptly explodes.
HAARY: I'VE BEEN STUCK AT THE DURSLEYS FOR MONTHS I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO ANYBODY I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
RON looks bewildered.
HARRY: I'VE HANDLED MORE THAN YOU TWO – WHO SAVED THE PHILOSOPHERS STONE?
HERMIONE: Well, all of us, kind of... I mean, Ron figured the chess set, and you couldn't have got past the flames without me, and we all did the key catching together. And you'd have been done for by the plant if it weren't for my knowledge. When you think about it, all you really did was touch the pathetic gimp in a turban. It's not that hard.
CHRIS COLOMBUS: Actually, that's no longer 100% true. The key chasing was made into an absolutely thrilling chase with keys... (KEYS? For God's sake. No wonder he got fired.) Ron looked like a tit on a fake horse, and your part in the whole thing was practically made redundant. Sorry, but Harry's the hero here.
HERMIONE looks as bewildered as RON
HARRY: WHO DEFEATED TOM RIDDLE? WHO SAVED BOTH YOUR SKINS FROM THE DEMENTORS?
HERMONE: (muttering) Well, I WAS only the first one to figure out what the hell the creature was. And that woman (glares at JKR) only lets the hero do interesting thing like learning to conjure a Patronus. Technically you only got to do that because you're a nancy boy who faints at the sight of them. Plus, actually conjuring one was a bit of a fluke. 'I thought it was my dad' indeed, overly sentimental to say the least.
HARRY: WHO HAD TO GET PAST DRAGONS AND SPHINXES AND EVERY OTHER FOUL THING LAST YEAR?
FLEUR: (In appalling French accent) Moi. I deed, leelte 'Arry.
KRUM: (Sounds like he should be called Count Krum. Wearing an operatic wedge haircut and fangs) Ja. It vas ferry difficult vor me alzo. Hello Hermoninny. (This mispronunciation makes the audience feel superior, and allows them to laugh at the stupid oaf. A/N: I like Krum, don't get me wrong)
RON looks annoyed. This is too much effort so returns to being bewildered.
AMOS DIGGORY: My son had to. Be thankful you're alive you little git.
All the GIRLS in the AUDIENCE start crying for whichever over-ratedly beautiful bloke they chose to play CEDRIC. You know, the one chosen for looks, rather than his ability to deliver a whopping three lines.
HERMIONE: And you wouldn't even have managed without help from the scores of random people JKR dug up just so you wouldn't fail. Cedric, Hagrid, Dobby, and Crouch to name but a few. And that's not even going into how biased the judging was.
HARRY: (Continuing unabashed) WHO SAW HIM COME BACK? WHO HAD TO ESCAPE FROM HIM? ME!
HERMIONE notices how bored the audience is getting.
AUDIENCE: Suppose it's our faults really. Ape shit Harry is marginally better than WonderHarry. At least we feel something for him. Feel like we want to stick his head through a brick wall, but that's something, right?
HERMIONE resolves the situation using her final trusty resort. She promptly bursts into tears.
Everybody feels awkward watching a teenage girl crying unecessarily until salvation arrives in the form of – drumroll please – FRED and GEORGE.
GEORGE: Hello Harry, thought we heard your dulcet tones
FRED: You don't want to bottle up your anger like that Harry, let it all out. There may be a couple of people fifty miles away who -
PRODUCTION: Actually, scrap these guys. Uninteresting and unecessary.
AUDIENCE: WHAT THE HELL? THEY'RE THE GREATEST THING IN HARRY POTTER BY FAR!
FRED: Ah – I see somebody else has learned to speak in capital letters.
The AUDIENCE pisses themselves laughing.
PRODUCTION: Nope. Really don't like these guys. Cut them down to only six words at a time.
The AUDIENCE copies RON'S expressions.
FRED: Gits. What about our other brothers?
PRODUCTION: Nope. We're fed up of them, too. If it's not got to do with how brilliant Harry is we don't want to know.
GEORGE: Not even the Percy fight? Cocks.
PRODUCTION: Nope. Not that. If he dies in later books we'll fall back on the trusty technique of flashbacks. Problem solved.
FRED and GEORGE use up their 6 words each on the worst insults they can think of.
PRODUCTION: Now get on with poor Harry and the bad press he's been receiving.
RON decided to go for a different look and becomes CONFUSED.
HERMIONE: Have you been getting the Daily Prophet?
HARRY: Yeah, but I've only really read the first pages as due to the fact I'm a drama queen I'm looking for Voldemort. It doesn't even occur to me that small operations linked to Voldemort might be found in the other pages, or even that the paper could be used to pass the time in what I constantly remind people was my dull and frustrating month at Privet Drive.
HERMIONE: You're not gonna like this then. No-one believes you and thinks you're crazy. Which, if you look at the facts, is a pretty solid conclusion. Doesn't help that you've become unhinged.
HARRY: I AM NOT UNHINGED!!!!
It takes a while for JKR to unstick the CAPS LOCK key. This task is made harder by the fact she writes her books using chalk and nappies. Harder, but not impossible. HARRY's further rage is in any case averted by the appearance of the Order in the stairwell.
HERMIONE: I wonder if we can hear what they're saying. Is there any way?
GEORGE: We have one.
PRODUCTION: Not so fast, boyo. Remember who the hero is.
HARRY: (holding an Extendable Ear) I made these in my spare time over the holidays, when I was cruelly left alone for a month at Privet Drive
FRED and GEORGE leave and return holding baseball bats, but it doesn't matter as nothing of importance is heard anyway. As HARRY walks through the hall toward the kitchen he passes, in slow stare mode some velvet curtains. Tense music (again) tells us there is something interesting behind here. In the kitchen TONKS, being the 'amusingly clumsy' character falls over an umbrella stand, which leads to a supposedly amusing and over long slapstick set piece involving TONKS, an assortment of cutlery, several pans, MRS WEASLEY, possibly a cat, unfortunately the large chance of a custard pie, and finally one solitary spinning plate among the wreckage. This is convention and must not be changed. The AUDIENCE bursts into tears at this hideous scene. MRS BLACK from behind the curtains bursts into hideous wails. This is nothing compared to the degrading, patronizing attempt at humour that preceded it.
JKR: "Harry thought he was looking through a window, a window behind which an old woman in a black cap was screaming and screaming as though she were being tortured – then he realised it was simply a life-size portrait, bu the most realistic, and the most unpleasant, he had ever seen in his life"
HARRY: Well that makes sense. I can immediately tell she's evil from that information. It's so easy to spot the bad guys, they're all ugly or coldly beautiful. That's pretty helpful.
Suddenly a man appears, probably to overly-heroic music. We know he's a cool guy without the musical prompting. Enjoy him while you can.
SIRIUS: Hello Harry. I see you've met my mother.
AUDIENCE: WOW! Sirius' family were evil? He's deeper and more complex than we ever could've imagined.
Several members of the audience swoon. Even more prepare to litter the screen with bullet holes next time FRED and GEORGE get unfairly cut.
RON looks bewildered.
Tune in next time for – THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX! Find out exactly what it is! Yes, it's precisely what you presumed! And nothing more interesting! Hurrah!Oh, and to appease GeorgieGryffindor – a huge spot has just appeared on Hermione's nose. She looks a little younger now.