Dear all,
Sorry for the long delay – almost a month. I've been suffering the terrible torture of A-Levels. shudder But, phew, nearly all done now.
Anyway – in the intervening time I was dragged to see the Prisoner of Azkaban. For research purposes only I swear. Not some morbid curiosity. I was actually pleasantly surprised. It didn't TOTALLY suck. While I could go on forever about the mistakes and terrible omissions and missing explanations. – who are Moony and Co. by the way? – I will withhold and sporadically insert comments to our friend Mr Cuaron. Apologies to those who intend to see it but haven't and have some of the thrilling experience ruined thanks to anything here, but that's tough bacon my friends.
Any joke made about the plot/writing of the esteemed JK is all in good fun, I really admire her and love the books, and it wouldn't even matter if I didn't cause she's loaded.
Thanks to Ferrit for making me get my act together with a very frank review. Please review if you have time – it does inspire me. Well – got to be off – this has detracted considerably from Biology revision. Ooops.
Sham-bolic.
P.S Disclaimer: Characters and basic plot not mine. Why must you continue to taunt me.
P.P.S Further note – Hints of slash but in a jokey manner. I quite enjoy some SB/RL as long as its done well and seems kind of in character so don't take this as an insult. However, I realise some people don't dig it and it's not simple homophobia, and if the idea doesn't float your boat I hope my simple asides to it will not spoil your reading. It's just so common I thought it would be fun to include.
On to:
The Order of the Phoenix
Previously on Harry Potter:
The trio, hilarious duo, and assorted witches, wizards, and 'others' have congregated at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. The HQ of the Order of the Phoenix doncher know. An over-done accident has awoken a hideous portrait causing it to scream terribly...Who is this hag? SIRIUS: Hello Harry, I see you've met my mother.
HARRY: Your? –
HARRY waits to be interrupted.
HARRY: Your? - ... erm ... Sirius? It's your line...
Everyone looks around for SIRIUS, who has mysteriously disappeared in the time between chapters.
HARRY: Sirius??
AUDIENCE: NOOOO! What have you done with him? Not yet, it's not his time...
A quick search finds SIRIUS leaning in a doorway getting quite passionate with a certain REMUS LUPIN.
HARRY: Sirius! Professor!
SIRIUS: (Looks a little guilty, but not very) Oh. Harry. Was
just a little preoccupied.
HARRY: But... you're not gay...what...?
SIRIUS looks at the AUTHOR
AUTHOR: Me? I'm staying out of this one. It's a popular
idea...but no – I'm not touching this with a barge pole. Not even
if it had Snape on the end of it.
At this simple display of affection a rather rowdy group bursts through the door. They are headed by a rather annoyed red head and seem to consist almost solely of middle aged females. They are the association known as 'Parents Against Teenagers Having Emotions Translated In Children's fiction' and blight all such works.
Mrs. BROFLOVSKI: WHAT WHAT WHAT? As the head of P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C
I object to this terrible public display of affection. Such smut
is poisoning the minds of our children. We must save them before
it's too late!
AUTHOR: OK... Jesus – I'll cut it out... Sorry guys.
SIRIUS looks mightily HACKED OFF
AUTHOR: Back to the beginning
HARRY: Your - ?
SIRIUS: (grumbling) My dear old mum yes.
HARRY: But what's a portrait of your mother doing here?
SIRIUS: Bloody Hell. And this idiot is supposed to be the
saviour of the series? Why not me? I can carry the rest of the
books on my impressive shoulders... Right?
The AUDIENCE bursts into tears at the wretched irony of this
comment
SIRIUS: Anyways, my mum's here 'cuz this is my parents
house. I'm the last Black, so I've offered it to Dumbledore as
the HQ – about the only useful thing I've been able to do...
JKR: "Harry, who had expected a better welcome, noted how hard
–
LUPIN: (sniggering) Tee hee... hard... bet it is....
Mrs. BROFLOVSKI: WHAT WHAT WHAT?
JKR: "noted how hard and bitter Sirius's voice sounded"
½ AUDIENCE: Awww.... What's wrong with Sirius? Poor iccle Siri...
½ AUDIENCE: JESUS! What has JKR got against him? Can he not let
him be happy for once... at least before... sob...
SIRIUS: I gotta stay indoors is all, I feel useless.
LUPIN: No – it's just he gets crabby when he's kept up all
night ...
The two erupt in terribly naughty giggles
AUTHOR: Bad. Bad boys.
MRS WEASLEY: Anyway, come on through to the kitchen Harry,
to give us a chance to hurriedly hide away things you shouldn't
see.
BILL hurriedly hides away things HARRY shouldn't see. But not
before HARRY gets a chance to see plans of a building. And
probably a close-up of some important facts... and Peter
Pettigrew? What's HIS name doing there? (PoA film joke... sorry)
This gives HARRY yet another chance to COMPLAIN. He's getting
very good at it.
HARRY: I had a lousy summer.
SIRIUS: Shut up you whiney mongrel. I'd have welcomed a
Dementor attack. Although common sense suggests I should be
terrified of the damn things since they're intent on giving me
the Kiss -
(Once more Lupin breaks out into unacceptable giggles. I'm sorry
– I can't seem to control them)
SIRIUS: - and I spent the worst possible 13 years of my life
in their company, that episode seems to have disappeared rather
quickly and efficiently leaving me desperate to leave the house
in search of excitement. Which would probably entail torture and
death at worst.
FRED: (Still forced to stick to his 6 lines) Dude, you are
really messed up.
SIRIUS: I add gritty excitement to the plot. Not to mention
I'm dashed handsome to boot. As seems to be my defining role in
this book I'm going to stir up trouble... Harry, I'm surprised.
You should be nosying about Voldemort.
HARRY: I've been TRYING.
MRS WEASLEY and SIRIUS have an argument. MRS WEASLEY is the
oppressive protective carer figure and wants him to know nothing
to shield Harry from knowledge and harm. SIRIUS is the promoter,
who feels he should know everything so he is well equipped. And
because he is bored and wants something to do. And for someone
to be able to do as little as he. Seemingly the only character
with less than extreme considerations LUPIN intervenes with a
handy solution.
JKR: "Personally", said Lupin quietly, looking away from Sirius
at last (SIRIUS: See? See?) .. "I think it's better that Harry
gets the factrs – not all the facts Molly, but the general
picture – fromus, rather than a garbled version from ... others..
½ AUDIENCE: Ahhhhh swoon smart and sexy ... lethal combination...
½ AUDIENCE: Just think... they made him have that 'tache. Thank
God we replaced him.
SIRIUS: OK, here's the deal...
SIRIUS is about to launch into explanation... and then – told you
someone would be along to ruin it – Alfonso Cuaron appears with
his big scissors.
ALFONSO: Right... this part's useless (slicing pages of OotP
willy-nilly. I KNOW no-one uses that word, but no-one should be
able to cut out important parts of story arcs...)
SIRIUS tries to say his remaining lines.
SIRIUS: Death Eater... plan ...
HARRY: What... Dumbledore
CUARON: (Finally finished sabotaging the script to make
things totally confusing...) Ahhhh... nice neat little script.
Snappy and sharp.
AUDIENCE: And TOTALLY confusing.
HARRY: So Voldemort's looking for a weapon then?
AUDIENCE: WHAT? How much has that idiot removed? We can't
follow any more...
HARRY: A weapon worse than Avada Kedavra?
AUDIENCE: What? I thought we already discussed in the previous
books that there are worse things than death... Dementor's Kiss
for example? Mary Sues for another.
NAGGING DOUBT: You know what we think it is at the end? What
kind of weapon is that? Is that definitely the weapon? It's a
bit of a loose use of the term. And a disappointment. Hmmmmm....
Theories abound...
JKR: Shut up and stop picking holes in my plot. And you two can
stope that
JKR glares at LUPIN and SIRIUS who were attempting a subtle spot
of footsie beneath the table
MRS WEASLEY: That is enough! You might as well tell him
everything.
SIRIUS: Why not? He's capable
MRS WEASLEY: He's still a child. He's NOT James, Sirius!
HARRY: Never... geez
SIRIUS: Wait! No – I seriously started to believe he WAS
James... I mean all this - 'You are very like your father' and
'mother's eyes' crap was sentimental at first, but know it's
repeated so much there's gotta be something in it right? And
that rubbish about 'Those we love never truly leave us' – that
can't just be for sickly sweet value can it? Are you SERIOUSLY
trying to tell me that James ISN'T in Harry?
SIRIUS peers into HARRY's 'green like his mother's' eyes and
starts calling 'James? James?'
HARRY looks scared and confused as MRS WEASLEY shepherds them
all to bed, and the adults retire. LUPIN and SIRIUS to separate
rooms. Those squeaks you hear that sound suspiciously like bed
springs are merely in your imagination. REALLY.
merely let Mrs. Broflovski handle them. She's already on my
back. Oh that reminds me – Afterthought Disclaimer: Mrs
Broflovski belongs to Trey Parker and Matt Stone who are Gods
among men.
Won't be long before the next.
Sham.