FIRST AND FOREMOST: WE WERE ROBBED! Sort of. Portugal may have deserved to win, but we SHOULD have won. Gutted for England. Out on pens again.
Well hello children. Exams are over finally – and I have time to use to try to entertain you guys.
Thanks to J Black who pointed out to me that the PoA script is fault of Steve Klove not our good friend Alfonso. Calling SB and RL "like an old married couple" is Klove's one saving grace – and highly amusing and relevant for shippers and haters of SB/RL alike.
Here I'll place a warning; there are hints of slash in this. Used as humour from a neutral standpoint though. In this I am not endorsing nor insulting it, just trying to entertain. Give it a go.
It's been a while and I've had some great responses, so am using this as a very handy time to talk to you fine people, so here's some shoutbacks (for those who reviewed Chapter 5 – sorry all else – but these guys will probably remember a little of what they said to me!). In alphabetical order no less – oooh I spoil you all.
Captain Jack – Sparrow I hope? Mmmmmmm. Yes – I don't like the films but I still go see them. I think I need help.
Chrislovercharmed – Mean is my forte. I feel I should stick to what I know! Hope you enjoy the cameo from a certain friend.
Ferrit – Ahhh – embarrassing dancing. One of the great pleasures in life. All done in exams. You think Biology's bad? I was crazy enough to take Maths and French, too. Loving English though. Fingers crossed for results day though. Sigh.
FireOpal – For being able to tell me my name and place of work –
even though it's revealed later on – you DO get a prize. A sucky
one – but a prize nonetheless. I dunno – if you can be bothered,
give me the most random character from TV or film you can think
of (a well known one though) and I'll insert a cameo. From you
and them. It'll give me something to fill the space and
hopefully you a little chuckle.
J Black – Thankyou for your correction. I have set it right in this one. Serves me right for being too damn lazy to look up script writers names. I bow at your feet for your superior knowledge!
Loving-legolas – The review – thankyou blushing. The name – I agree. But then who doesn't love him?
Lycantropalicious – Thankyou VERY much – being added to faves makes my tummy squirl with pride. Now I don't think squirl is a word but it damn well should be.
Marauder-obsessed – Hope this is soon enough for you. Although the content may have suffered! Sorry for SB/RL – they get out of control, but they amuse ME. Cool to hear about you in the newspaper. You tell them though!
Silver-sunn101 – Yes, SB/RL is one of my guilty pleasures. The bad boys seem to have run away with me again this chapter. Hope you can forgive them.
S91 – If you're too lazy to log in then I'm too lazy to respond to you. Oh wait. Damn. ;-) Thanks.
Vanyaria Darkshadow – Glad I can give your floor a rub! Oh and Fred and George thank you for your support. They will hopefully be placing baseball bats in the vicinity of Cuaron and Colombus's heads pretty shortly
I have just looked over the pages I wrote and I apologise as they make little sense. I would re-do them, but the slightly wacko and delirious tone gave me a giggle so I'm keeping them. But a small warning – disjointed writing can cause confusion, headaches, nausea and pissed-off-at-writer- syndrome. However, it can also make you giggle with pity.
Disclaimer: Not mine, most things belong to J.K. Rowling, except those bits that belong to P. Jackson, J.R.R Tolkein, James Cameron or George Lucas.
Hope you enjoy, or at least can follow...
...CHAPTER 6
The Noble and Most Ancient House Of Black
JKR: "Of Black"... teehee – I'm so subtle. You see, the surname of
Sirius is Black – but his family were eeeeevil, the traditional colour
of which is black. So whilst the house literally is 'of Black' as it
belongs to the Black family, it also represent how it previously
belonged to the Darkness.
BRIT AUDIENCE: Gimmicky bastards that they are.
JUSTIN (of the Darkness): High pitched wailing.... I believe in a
thing called looooove, and my ability to be a rock star from the 70's
JUSTIN (of the Timberlake): High pitched wailing.... I believe in a
thing called looooove, or the hippity-dippity, and in my ability to
become a black singer from the 80's and 90's. Or is he white? Does it
matter? Either way, I too am a bad mo-fo...
(A/N: I apologise for all the above rubbish. I am very tired, having had only 5 hours sleep in the past 55 hours. And 2 of those were
upright. Consequently I am making little sense and will resort to
peppering the entire script with my own musings and little in jokes.
Kinda remind you of anyone? Hey, at least I'm not doing a Titanic
spoof. "I'm the king of the world" on a HIPPOGRIFF? – what was THAT about. You really need to be a) British, b) have seen PoA, c) be a little bit crazy to
have understood any of the previous inane babble. Please let me know
if you did. If you didn't, please continue reading, and don't let this
have scared you off.
The AUTHOR makes a desperate attempt to raise the standard of this
chapter from the deep squalid pit it is lying in.
Anyway, HARRY POTTER, super wizard, teen phenomenon and pastry maker
extraordinaire (hey – you never know) is residing in the house of
SIRIUS BLACK, his godfather, which is the HQ of the Order of the
Phoenix. And if you don't know what that is, I'm gonna take a leaf
from the books of Messers Cuaron and Klove and not explain it to you.
So tough titties. Harry has just had some of the present situation
explained to him. Or should have.
Right now Fred and George should be apparating into Harry and
Ron's bedroom to discuss what they heard at the dinner table. However,
due to their appalling treatment at the hands of film-makers they are
on strike in their bedroom. Probably sticking pins in voodoo dolls.
Instead, Harry is sat up in bad – with a 'Pondering' expression.
(Perhaps this could be mistaken for a constipated expression). Ron is
tossing in his sleep.
RON: The spiders ... the spiders are making me tapdance. I don't want
to tapdance.
HARRY: Dude, you are screwed up. Really.
AUDIENCE: Was that supposed to be funny? Was that necessary to plot?
You left out information about the Marauder's Map for THAT?
The AUDIENCE's reasonable complaints are drowned out by the sound of
hysterical laughter. They turn to see the AUTHOR rolling in the
aisles. Yes, I am unashamed to admit I found that part REALLY funny. I
have an undeveloped sense of humour.
HARRY talks to himself about recent developments but since the
audience didn't receive enough vital information in the previous scene
they switch off. It doesn't help that Harry is as wooden and engaging
as a twig.
HARRY finally falls asleep. The camera lingers to show Harry's dream
state. He also talks in his sleep, however, HIS dreams feature past
traumas and mistreatment, and probably Voldemort, which cements
Harry's appearance as a deeply heroic and tortured soul. Or his
appearance as a wimp.
The AUTHOR scans the past pages and noticed the worrying lack of
anything resembling dialogue and plot and resolves to insert some as
soon as possible. But not, of course, before delaying the plot to tell
the audience this.
It is morning and Fred and George appear in the boy's bedroom. They
are obviously still struggling with their allotted 6 words each.
GEROGE: Wake. Breakfast. Kitchen. Mum. Drawing Room.
GEORGE tries to say bugger but no words can come out. FRED looks on
sympathetically and finishes off for him.
FRED: Pests. Doxys. Kill word count implementers.
FRED and GEROGE leave to plan how to do just that. As painfully as
possible
HARRY and RON go downstairs to help clean the house. Common sense
would suggest that this would be an easy scene to cut for time
restraints, in order to leave room for the explanations needed from
previous chapters. However, the spraying Doxys scene provides an
excellent stage for Cuaron to show his fantastic humour. This involves
plenty of accidental spraying of each other, thereby freezing people
midair in funny poses, or causing mid-air collisions between Doxys,
which themselves will be amusing CG characters who pick up people –
probably the unfortunate twins – and throw them about. And I wouldn't
be surprised if Harry didn't do some special broom sequence cleaning
up all the Doxys at the ceiling that all the other mere mortals aren't
great enough to reach.
As MRS WEASLEY leaves the room to yell at an unfortunately cut
MUNDUNGUS a new character enters. It is a house elf like Dobby, except
there are a few differences
JKR: "Except for the filthy rag tied like a loincloth around its
middle, it was completely naked. It looked very old."
AUDIENCE: It also looks much more realistic. And kind of familiar.
JKR: He's called Kreacher... see? Isn't that smart of me? It sounds
like creature – which is what Sirius treats him as. Which is bad, and
a moral part of the story.
AUDIENCE: He does look familiar.
KREACHER: Mudbloods and werewolves and traitors and thieves
preciousssss ... we hates them. We HATES them. Always watching.
HARRY: What's the hell is that?
HERMIONE: Don't be cruel, Harry. He's a house elf like Dobby. And
even though he's an evil little git he still falls under the aid of
SPEW. I have a soft spot for hapless little creatures. Like Ron.
RON uses this opportunity to look BEWILDERED.
HARRY: He looks funny. Dobby doesn't look like that.
KREACHER: Dobby? DOBBY! Preciousssss.. an insult to CG characters.
Stupid fat Dobby. But we've come, oh yes we have.
We're here aren't we precious?
Yes, my precious my love. We're here – and to show the filthy
liars and thieves what?
We'll show them how a good movie makes us wont' we? We will.
Yes, my love, a good movie. Not this pile of gollum gollum
crap.
No – we don't like it at all do we precious? Not at all.
No my love, we hatesssss it. And we hatessss Dobby.
Hates him.... He's a liar and a thief....
Yes preciousss. Filthy little orcsy he is. But there's more my
love.
Yes precious! We found him! Smeagol found him!
WE found him my precious my love...
Everybody is seriously weirded out.
HARRY: Found what?
KREACHER: Him! Preciousssssssss, him!
He's not very nice is he precious?
No my love. Not nice at all. He's the worst. gollum
gollum
The worst he is, precious.
HARRY: The worst WHAT?
KREACHER: They make bad CG they do precioussss. They make bad
characters, filthy liars and thieves and horrible directorsssss.
Not us though precious.
No, my love. But they do. They cheat you. Hurt you with
their desperate attempts to make loveable funny CG characters.
And then it happensss..
Yes, then they make the worst, don't they precious?
Not while we live preciousssss. NO! We found him. They
tried to make him funny. Tried to make us like him. But he
ruined it he did. gollum The worst thing out of a terrible
movie. But we have him now precioussss. We've got him where no-
one can get him.
Yes! Precious! We've taken him.
And that's not all my love. We've come here to prove that things
can be good in this film. It'll be our film now.
Mine, my own, my precioussssssssss.
The film cuts to show KREACHER's cupboard. In the dark a shadowy figure can be made out, tied to the boiler. It has a face like dead fish shown together and a voice more irritating that a cat on a pneumatic drill.
JAR-JAR: Meesa very worried. Meesa scared a da little
creature. You mean some people gonna dieee?
CAST, CREW and AUDIENCE alike are now very confused.
AUTHOR: What? I TOLD you I was tired. This still makes more
sense than the film ending of PoA. Just.
SIRIUS enters to try to save the chapter.
SIRIUS: Kreacher. What are you up to.
KREACHER: Sneeeeaaaaaking. (A/N: One of my FAVE lines from
RotK. Needed including)
REMUS enters behind SIRIUS.
REMUS: Oh really?
KREACHER: There is it preciousssss. They do it when they think
Kreacher can't see. But he can. Oh he can.
REMUS and SIRIUS blush. (It's your own mind that provides what
you think they were doing. It could be basket weaving you dirty
children.)
KREACHER: Yes, precioussss. We sees it. Like the master and
the fat hobbit. Think we won't notice preciousssss. Filthy
hobbitses.
(A/N: I personally find very little homo-eroticism in LotR. But this comparison is all too easy to make. Basket weaving I tell you.)
To change the subject quickly SIRIUS directs attention to the tapestry on the wall.
HARRY: You're not on here!
SIRIUS points to a burn hole.
SIRIUS: I was blasted off when I ran away from home... you see I
HARRY: Yeah, yeah. You come from this traditional and let's
face it pretty evil background, but you, being the good person
you are, rejected these corrupted values. This led to trauma as
it caused friction in your family, and disappointment and
probably abuse from your parents. You're truly a tortured soul.
However, to highlight your decision as the right one you
probably have a brother who did as your parents wanted, and who
probably dies for them. He no doubt fit their RULES and
REGULATIONS. No? Oh, and your horrible family believes in the
purity of blood, highlighting he arrogance of traditional values
and denouncing intolerance. There's also probably a link with
the Malfoys to get us the attach some of the dislike we have for
them (before we discovered they were all good looking) to your
family. What a martyr you are. Or will be.
SIRIUS: (Trying to regain some control). Erm... I stayed with
your dad.
REMUS looks put out.
SIRIUS: I've told you before. NOTHING HAPPENED! Anyway, I'm
even MORE tortured than that, thankyou very much. I happen to
want to get out and risk my life and all sorts of dashingly
heroic things. Hurrah! Instead I have to stay cooped up in here.
I feel so restricted, but I'm bound in this hole.
REMUS begins to giggle and the mere mention of words like
'restricted' and 'hole'.
SIRIUS latches onto this and continues.
SIRIUS: I mean, just to be here doing housework when I want
to be in the THRUST and parry of good HARD battle. Who wants be
here just HAMMERING and BANGING and SCREWING and...
The AUTHOR cuts to the next scene out of sheer embarrassment for
the naughty naughty boys.
MRS WEASLEY: Harry, in case you'd forgotten, tomorrow's your
hearing.
CHARACTERS: Ooooh- the suspense!
AUDIENCE: Not really. We all know he'll get back in.
MR WEASLEY: I'll take you tomorrow, it's at my place of work.
There I can become a more developed character.
SIRIUS: I'm going to act like a teenager because not allowed
to come with you.
REMUS: You came with me last night.
AUTHOR: NO! That's it – end of chapter. It's been altogether
too weird and dirty. Must drag it up out of the gutter next
chapter. MUST MUST MUST.
Post-credits...
Kate: I'll never let go Jack.
She proceeds to let go of the love of her life (for love of life see
random hick she just met two days ago. What a tart.) and allow him to
sink to his watery grave. Or swim off back to France to his many
prostitutes.
A/N: Oooops. Looks like I did.
R&R if you think it's worth it!
Well hello children. Exams are over finally – and I have time to use to try to entertain you guys.
Thanks to J Black who pointed out to me that the PoA script is fault of Steve Klove not our good friend Alfonso. Calling SB and RL "like an old married couple" is Klove's one saving grace – and highly amusing and relevant for shippers and haters of SB/RL alike.
Here I'll place a warning; there are hints of slash in this. Used as humour from a neutral standpoint though. In this I am not endorsing nor insulting it, just trying to entertain. Give it a go.
It's been a while and I've had some great responses, so am using this as a very handy time to talk to you fine people, so here's some shoutbacks (for those who reviewed Chapter 5 – sorry all else – but these guys will probably remember a little of what they said to me!). In alphabetical order no less – oooh I spoil you all.
Captain Jack – Sparrow I hope? Mmmmmmm. Yes – I don't like the films but I still go see them. I think I need help.
Chrislovercharmed – Mean is my forte. I feel I should stick to what I know! Hope you enjoy the cameo from a certain friend.
Ferrit – Ahhh – embarrassing dancing. One of the great pleasures in life. All done in exams. You think Biology's bad? I was crazy enough to take Maths and French, too. Loving English though. Fingers crossed for results day though. Sigh.
FireOpal – For being able to tell me my name and place of work –
even though it's revealed later on – you DO get a prize. A sucky
one – but a prize nonetheless. I dunno – if you can be bothered,
give me the most random character from TV or film you can think
of (a well known one though) and I'll insert a cameo. From you
and them. It'll give me something to fill the space and
hopefully you a little chuckle.
J Black – Thankyou for your correction. I have set it right in this one. Serves me right for being too damn lazy to look up script writers names. I bow at your feet for your superior knowledge!
Loving-legolas – The review – thankyou blushing. The name – I agree. But then who doesn't love him?
Lycantropalicious – Thankyou VERY much – being added to faves makes my tummy squirl with pride. Now I don't think squirl is a word but it damn well should be.
Marauder-obsessed – Hope this is soon enough for you. Although the content may have suffered! Sorry for SB/RL – they get out of control, but they amuse ME. Cool to hear about you in the newspaper. You tell them though!
Silver-sunn101 – Yes, SB/RL is one of my guilty pleasures. The bad boys seem to have run away with me again this chapter. Hope you can forgive them.
S91 – If you're too lazy to log in then I'm too lazy to respond to you. Oh wait. Damn. ;-) Thanks.
Vanyaria Darkshadow – Glad I can give your floor a rub! Oh and Fred and George thank you for your support. They will hopefully be placing baseball bats in the vicinity of Cuaron and Colombus's heads pretty shortly
I have just looked over the pages I wrote and I apologise as they make little sense. I would re-do them, but the slightly wacko and delirious tone gave me a giggle so I'm keeping them. But a small warning – disjointed writing can cause confusion, headaches, nausea and pissed-off-at-writer- syndrome. However, it can also make you giggle with pity.
Disclaimer: Not mine, most things belong to J.K. Rowling, except those bits that belong to P. Jackson, J.R.R Tolkein, James Cameron or George Lucas.
Hope you enjoy, or at least can follow...
...CHAPTER 6
The Noble and Most Ancient House Of Black
JKR: "Of Black"... teehee – I'm so subtle. You see, the surname of
Sirius is Black – but his family were eeeeevil, the traditional colour
of which is black. So whilst the house literally is 'of Black' as it
belongs to the Black family, it also represent how it previously
belonged to the Darkness.
BRIT AUDIENCE: Gimmicky bastards that they are.
JUSTIN (of the Darkness): High pitched wailing.... I believe in a
thing called looooove, and my ability to be a rock star from the 70's
JUSTIN (of the Timberlake): High pitched wailing.... I believe in a
thing called looooove, or the hippity-dippity, and in my ability to
become a black singer from the 80's and 90's. Or is he white? Does it
matter? Either way, I too am a bad mo-fo...
(A/N: I apologise for all the above rubbish. I am very tired, having had only 5 hours sleep in the past 55 hours. And 2 of those were
upright. Consequently I am making little sense and will resort to
peppering the entire script with my own musings and little in jokes.
Kinda remind you of anyone? Hey, at least I'm not doing a Titanic
spoof. "I'm the king of the world" on a HIPPOGRIFF? – what was THAT about. You really need to be a) British, b) have seen PoA, c) be a little bit crazy to
have understood any of the previous inane babble. Please let me know
if you did. If you didn't, please continue reading, and don't let this
have scared you off.
The AUTHOR makes a desperate attempt to raise the standard of this
chapter from the deep squalid pit it is lying in.
Anyway, HARRY POTTER, super wizard, teen phenomenon and pastry maker
extraordinaire (hey – you never know) is residing in the house of
SIRIUS BLACK, his godfather, which is the HQ of the Order of the
Phoenix. And if you don't know what that is, I'm gonna take a leaf
from the books of Messers Cuaron and Klove and not explain it to you.
So tough titties. Harry has just had some of the present situation
explained to him. Or should have.
Right now Fred and George should be apparating into Harry and
Ron's bedroom to discuss what they heard at the dinner table. However,
due to their appalling treatment at the hands of film-makers they are
on strike in their bedroom. Probably sticking pins in voodoo dolls.
Instead, Harry is sat up in bad – with a 'Pondering' expression.
(Perhaps this could be mistaken for a constipated expression). Ron is
tossing in his sleep.
RON: The spiders ... the spiders are making me tapdance. I don't want
to tapdance.
HARRY: Dude, you are screwed up. Really.
AUDIENCE: Was that supposed to be funny? Was that necessary to plot?
You left out information about the Marauder's Map for THAT?
The AUDIENCE's reasonable complaints are drowned out by the sound of
hysterical laughter. They turn to see the AUTHOR rolling in the
aisles. Yes, I am unashamed to admit I found that part REALLY funny. I
have an undeveloped sense of humour.
HARRY talks to himself about recent developments but since the
audience didn't receive enough vital information in the previous scene
they switch off. It doesn't help that Harry is as wooden and engaging
as a twig.
HARRY finally falls asleep. The camera lingers to show Harry's dream
state. He also talks in his sleep, however, HIS dreams feature past
traumas and mistreatment, and probably Voldemort, which cements
Harry's appearance as a deeply heroic and tortured soul. Or his
appearance as a wimp.
The AUTHOR scans the past pages and noticed the worrying lack of
anything resembling dialogue and plot and resolves to insert some as
soon as possible. But not, of course, before delaying the plot to tell
the audience this.
It is morning and Fred and George appear in the boy's bedroom. They
are obviously still struggling with their allotted 6 words each.
GEROGE: Wake. Breakfast. Kitchen. Mum. Drawing Room.
GEORGE tries to say bugger but no words can come out. FRED looks on
sympathetically and finishes off for him.
FRED: Pests. Doxys. Kill word count implementers.
FRED and GEROGE leave to plan how to do just that. As painfully as
possible
HARRY and RON go downstairs to help clean the house. Common sense
would suggest that this would be an easy scene to cut for time
restraints, in order to leave room for the explanations needed from
previous chapters. However, the spraying Doxys scene provides an
excellent stage for Cuaron to show his fantastic humour. This involves
plenty of accidental spraying of each other, thereby freezing people
midair in funny poses, or causing mid-air collisions between Doxys,
which themselves will be amusing CG characters who pick up people –
probably the unfortunate twins – and throw them about. And I wouldn't
be surprised if Harry didn't do some special broom sequence cleaning
up all the Doxys at the ceiling that all the other mere mortals aren't
great enough to reach.
As MRS WEASLEY leaves the room to yell at an unfortunately cut
MUNDUNGUS a new character enters. It is a house elf like Dobby, except
there are a few differences
JKR: "Except for the filthy rag tied like a loincloth around its
middle, it was completely naked. It looked very old."
AUDIENCE: It also looks much more realistic. And kind of familiar.
JKR: He's called Kreacher... see? Isn't that smart of me? It sounds
like creature – which is what Sirius treats him as. Which is bad, and
a moral part of the story.
AUDIENCE: He does look familiar.
KREACHER: Mudbloods and werewolves and traitors and thieves
preciousssss ... we hates them. We HATES them. Always watching.
HARRY: What's the hell is that?
HERMIONE: Don't be cruel, Harry. He's a house elf like Dobby. And
even though he's an evil little git he still falls under the aid of
SPEW. I have a soft spot for hapless little creatures. Like Ron.
RON uses this opportunity to look BEWILDERED.
HARRY: He looks funny. Dobby doesn't look like that.
KREACHER: Dobby? DOBBY! Preciousssss.. an insult to CG characters.
Stupid fat Dobby. But we've come, oh yes we have.
We're here aren't we precious?
Yes, my precious my love. We're here – and to show the filthy
liars and thieves what?
We'll show them how a good movie makes us wont' we? We will.
Yes, my love, a good movie. Not this pile of gollum gollum
crap.
No – we don't like it at all do we precious? Not at all.
No my love, we hatesssss it. And we hatessss Dobby.
Hates him.... He's a liar and a thief....
Yes preciousss. Filthy little orcsy he is. But there's more my
love.
Yes precious! We found him! Smeagol found him!
WE found him my precious my love...
Everybody is seriously weirded out.
HARRY: Found what?
KREACHER: Him! Preciousssssssss, him!
He's not very nice is he precious?
No my love. Not nice at all. He's the worst. gollum
gollum
The worst he is, precious.
HARRY: The worst WHAT?
KREACHER: They make bad CG they do precioussss. They make bad
characters, filthy liars and thieves and horrible directorsssss.
Not us though precious.
No, my love. But they do. They cheat you. Hurt you with
their desperate attempts to make loveable funny CG characters.
And then it happensss..
Yes, then they make the worst, don't they precious?
Not while we live preciousssss. NO! We found him. They
tried to make him funny. Tried to make us like him. But he
ruined it he did. gollum The worst thing out of a terrible
movie. But we have him now precioussss. We've got him where no-
one can get him.
Yes! Precious! We've taken him.
And that's not all my love. We've come here to prove that things
can be good in this film. It'll be our film now.
Mine, my own, my precioussssssssss.
The film cuts to show KREACHER's cupboard. In the dark a shadowy figure can be made out, tied to the boiler. It has a face like dead fish shown together and a voice more irritating that a cat on a pneumatic drill.
JAR-JAR: Meesa very worried. Meesa scared a da little
creature. You mean some people gonna dieee?
CAST, CREW and AUDIENCE alike are now very confused.
AUTHOR: What? I TOLD you I was tired. This still makes more
sense than the film ending of PoA. Just.
SIRIUS enters to try to save the chapter.
SIRIUS: Kreacher. What are you up to.
KREACHER: Sneeeeaaaaaking. (A/N: One of my FAVE lines from
RotK. Needed including)
REMUS enters behind SIRIUS.
REMUS: Oh really?
KREACHER: There is it preciousssss. They do it when they think
Kreacher can't see. But he can. Oh he can.
REMUS and SIRIUS blush. (It's your own mind that provides what
you think they were doing. It could be basket weaving you dirty
children.)
KREACHER: Yes, precioussss. We sees it. Like the master and
the fat hobbit. Think we won't notice preciousssss. Filthy
hobbitses.
(A/N: I personally find very little homo-eroticism in LotR. But this comparison is all too easy to make. Basket weaving I tell you.)
To change the subject quickly SIRIUS directs attention to the tapestry on the wall.
HARRY: You're not on here!
SIRIUS points to a burn hole.
SIRIUS: I was blasted off when I ran away from home... you see I
HARRY: Yeah, yeah. You come from this traditional and let's
face it pretty evil background, but you, being the good person
you are, rejected these corrupted values. This led to trauma as
it caused friction in your family, and disappointment and
probably abuse from your parents. You're truly a tortured soul.
However, to highlight your decision as the right one you
probably have a brother who did as your parents wanted, and who
probably dies for them. He no doubt fit their RULES and
REGULATIONS. No? Oh, and your horrible family believes in the
purity of blood, highlighting he arrogance of traditional values
and denouncing intolerance. There's also probably a link with
the Malfoys to get us the attach some of the dislike we have for
them (before we discovered they were all good looking) to your
family. What a martyr you are. Or will be.
SIRIUS: (Trying to regain some control). Erm... I stayed with
your dad.
REMUS looks put out.
SIRIUS: I've told you before. NOTHING HAPPENED! Anyway, I'm
even MORE tortured than that, thankyou very much. I happen to
want to get out and risk my life and all sorts of dashingly
heroic things. Hurrah! Instead I have to stay cooped up in here.
I feel so restricted, but I'm bound in this hole.
REMUS begins to giggle and the mere mention of words like
'restricted' and 'hole'.
SIRIUS latches onto this and continues.
SIRIUS: I mean, just to be here doing housework when I want
to be in the THRUST and parry of good HARD battle. Who wants be
here just HAMMERING and BANGING and SCREWING and...
The AUTHOR cuts to the next scene out of sheer embarrassment for
the naughty naughty boys.
MRS WEASLEY: Harry, in case you'd forgotten, tomorrow's your
hearing.
CHARACTERS: Ooooh- the suspense!
AUDIENCE: Not really. We all know he'll get back in.
MR WEASLEY: I'll take you tomorrow, it's at my place of work.
There I can become a more developed character.
SIRIUS: I'm going to act like a teenager because not allowed
to come with you.
REMUS: You came with me last night.
AUTHOR: NO! That's it – end of chapter. It's been altogether
too weird and dirty. Must drag it up out of the gutter next
chapter. MUST MUST MUST.
Post-credits...
Kate: I'll never let go Jack.
She proceeds to let go of the love of her life (for love of life see
random hick she just met two days ago. What a tart.) and allow him to
sink to his watery grave. Or swim off back to France to his many
prostitutes.
A/N: Oooops. Looks like I did.
R&R if you think it's worth it!