You still here? Glad to hear it – very warm and fuzzy feeling it gives us precious. I have nothing really to say, other than, presenting Chapter 9 – The Woes of Mrs Weasley...
Having just stood trial in front of the Wizengamot HARRY has shock and plenty of horror been cleared of all charges. This means he gets to go back to Hogwarts – and what a relief as now the 5th book can continue, since we waited long enough for it.
Despite this wonderful luck HARRY still finds something to be grumpy about.
HARRY: Dumbledore still won't look at me. True, he just
saved my worthless hide, but his life doesn't revolve around me
any more. Life's just not FAIR!
MR MALFOY: Shut up you stupid little brat.
HARRY: Oh my God! What are you doing here? I told Fudge you
were a Death Eater.
FUDGE: Yes, well, its amazing what money can cover. The
grease that oils the wheels of society and all that.
MR MALFOY: It also helps that I'm very charismatic. Before the
films myself and my son Draco seemed absolute bastards, but
since the films our good looks have allowed us to become sexily
evil, and in Draco's case possibly a tortured soul.
Here the AUTHOR swoons because she is deeply in love with Jason
Isaacs.
MR MALFOY: While I would love to jeer at you in a silky manner,
I believe my nemesis is behind you.
MR WEASLEY: I may be poor, but I am a good and moral person.
MR MALFOY: (grinning in a way that makes the AUTHOR weak at the
knees) I'm rich and devoid of moral boundaries or limitations.
Some people have all the lucjk don't they?
MR WEASLEY: For that insult Malfoy-san, we must fight! For
honour!
MR MALFOY: So it must be – like the legendary battle of
Flourish-and-Botts.
HARRY: What? That never happened! You just said like one
nasty word to each other and then left.
MR WEASLEY: What? We didn't fight? What do you mean?
MR MALFOY: This shabby lunatic threw himself at me!
MR WEASLEY: Kicked your arse you mean.
MR MALFOY: Bring it old man!
CHRIS COLUMBUS: No, no, no! This is not what happens. Tone it
down.
MR WEASLEY: Terribly splendid to see you old boy.
MR MALFOY: The feeling is duly reciprocated, my dear chum.
Jolly hockey sticks and all that toffee, eh what?
MR WEASLEY: Indeed, indeed. Now must really be off, sorry to
have trespassed on your time.
MR MALFOY: Think nothing of it, be seeing you soon I don't
doubt?
MR WEASLEY: Absolu-what, you son of a gun you. Cheerio, then.
MR MALFOY: Toodle-pip!
HARRY: What the - ?
MR WEASLEY: Let's be off home, Harry dear boy.
Later, at Grimmauld Place...
RON: I knew it! You always get away with stuff.
AUDIENCE: Annoying, isn't it?
FRED and GEORGE are supposed to be doing some kind of war dance
in the background, but since they are still on strike until they
are allowed to speak again, they are settling for swinging
tomahawks in a very threatening manner.
HARRY: Everyone seems quite relieved, though, considering
you all knew I'd get off.
AUDIENCE: Relieved? No. Bored? Terribly. Knew you'd get off?
Most obvious thing since the ending of The Sixth Sense.
HARRY tries to recover interest by over-reacting at a slight
stress-related headache.
HARRY: OW! My scar!
HERMIONE: What's wrong?
HARRY: Nothing. Does it all the time now.
HERMIONE: Then don't make such a fuss, wimp.
The camera lingers a little too long on Harry's perfectly formed
forehead, to signify that there IS in fact something wrong. It
does not even occur to Harry to mention this to anyone, as the
most obvious reason for the increasing frequency of these
attacks is that Voldemort is more active. Unless – he knows he's
faking for the attention.
SIRIUS enters, looking mopey, making thousands of female fans
weep in pity.
RON looks CONFUSED
HARRY: What's up with him?
HERMIONE: I am now not only super-intelligent, but also hyper-
sensitive and can read people's actions with astonishing
accuracy and insight. This is all a bit tedious, but helps
develop characters for people who cannot read them themselves...
blah blah lonely... blah blah guilty... blah blah outcasts... blah
blah James... lonely for a very long time.
HARRY: Wow – this is great Hermione, perhaps now you can
help me with girl trouble when I'm an insensitive prick and
blame it on girls being strange.
HERMIONE: Absolutely, if you're incapable of normal human
interaction yourself.
HARRY: That'd be great – but first we have to allow me time
to be a jealous conceited idiot when the prefect badges arrive.
EVERYONE: What? You didn't get prefect?
RON: Why should he? I mean, he disobeys rules all the time,
gets his friends and others in danger, duels in the hallways and
thinks causing Malfoy suffereing is funny, he sneaks around
under his invisibility cloak and thinks he's outside moral
boundaries. True, I do most of the same, but at least I'm not
self righteous about it. So, while it should have probably been
Dean or Seamus for prefect it does actually kind of make sense
that I got it instead of Wonder-Boy Potter.
MRS WEASLEY: Oooh – My iccle Ronnikins. My darling precious
pumpkin pie is prefect. A Prefect! That's everyone in the
family.
Drumroll please for the funniest line in the entire book...
GEORGE: What are Fred and I? –
PRODUCTION cuts sound just in time to ruin George's crowning
line...
FRED: Right – bugger this for a lark... George?
GEORGE: Got 'em Fred...
FRED and GEORGE whip out an array of guns to rival the Matrix
lobby scene and begin blasting the set apart. To the delight of
all their fans. However, this is also to the delight of one
Alfonso Cuaron who can use this as an excuse to move the scene
from a familiar setting to a totally different one.
CUARON: Hooray!
It takes a few hours to get FRED and GEORGE back under control
so we have to cut to HARRY being introspective, i.e: sulking
HARRY: (forced to say his thoughts aloud for the benefit of
the AUDIENCE. Who probably couldn't care less) I've been too
busy with higher thoughts to worry about the Prefect badges, but
if I had concerned my mind with trivial matters such as this I
would have expected the badge to come to me. Oh, I'm so honest
and open.
FRED: You're bloody arrogant mate.
GEORGE: Just 'cos you're Dumbledore's pet doesn't mean
you're the best.
HARRY: Does this make me as arrogant as Draco Malfoy?
FRED: Yes. You're worse though, because who does Draco have to
compete with? Crabbe and Goyle!
GEORGE: Course he's gonna get it. You on the other hand have
decent competition.
HARRY: No, I'm not that arrogant. I am better than Ron or
Hermione, I've got myself in loads of dangerous situations!
GEORGE: Well done mate.
FRED: Prime prefect material.
HARRY: Maybe Ron has something I don't!
GEORGE: Heaven forbid!
FRED: Like a sense of humility you mean?
FRED and GEORGE then jump Harry, knocking him out with
chloroform and shoving him in a cupboard. Much to the joy of
all.
HARRY wakes to a party thrown in RON and HERMIONE'S honour.
While nobody seemed bothered about RON'S feelings when telling
HARRY they thought he'd be prefect, everyone is fussing around
the star's feelings, and trying t omake him believe he's still
the greatest. Oh to be a celebrity.
SIRIUS: Cheer up, you grumpy bugger. Your equally arrogant
dad wasn't prefect either.
REMUS: Yep – I got it.
AUTHOR: (swoons) A strong pillar of authority, how I love
thee.
HARRY: Oh – I'm relieved. I don't want to follow in the
footsteps of the kindest and most well-rounded character in the
series, instead I'll keep my dad up on his impossibly high
pedestal. I only like him because he reminds me so much of me.
SIRIUS: Are you kidding me? You're really not James?
MOODY: Come with me, Harry boy. I want to show you a random
poster of the original Order so you can see the real threat and
toll of human life in such dangerous circumstances.
HARRY: Actually – I can't be bothered – I need to go
upstairs and see exactly the same point delivered in a far more
personal and touching way.
HARRY goes upstairs where he sees MRS WEASLEY'S Boggart. All her
children (roll eyes, as Harry is included in this, too) dead.
AUTHOR: You know what? This part is too sweet and touching
to even try to parody. It's one of my favourite parts in the
book and I'm not going to taint it. However, this leaves me with
no way to end the chapter other than...
GEORGE: What are Fred and I, next-door neighbours?
The AUDIENCE erupts into riotous laughter. Or they would if they
had a funny bone in their bodies.
A/N : I have just read on the main page that writing in script
form is not allowed. So this may have to be terminated. I could
try writing it in prose, but I'm not sure it would have the same
effect. This makes me sad though, because I really enjoy writing
this. Feedback on if I should/how to continue this would be
much appreciated.
A slightly sad Sham...