Title: This Tear
Author: SydGillyKC
Author's Note: Ok, well this is the second chapter. I'm trying to get the first few chapters up as quickly as possible so people can maybe get interested in the story. That's my hope (. But it's a challenge to write quickly and still try to make it the best quality I can, so bear with me. I have a general idea of where I want this to go and a few major plot points I know, but I'm also writing a lot of this as I go along. Again, I'm really insecure, I've written more fanfics than I can count (though this is the only Alias one so far) and never posted them because I was too scared. So your reviews really help, even if they're constructive criticism. Thanks to those of you who did review and everyone else who reads this, PLEASE review! Please please please!
Dedication: I kind of forgot to put this in the first chapter, but oh well. Now I have two groups of people to dedicate to. First of all, this is for Whit and Em who got me into Alias, even when I was so opposed to loving another show after X-Files. Thank you so much! And this is for those few who reviewed this and the one XF fic I posted. You guys rock! And to Agent- Greenleaf, I hope your arm feels better! * * * * * * * * * * * *
"When they ran the tests on me, to determine if I had a concussion, they found something else." she trailed off, unsure of exactly how to say it.
"What? What did they find?" He asked anxiously, bringing his face closer to her so that she'd have to look at him. She straightened up in a way that said she was determined to do gather the strength she needed to do this and looked straight into his eyes.
"A brain tumor. They found a brain tumor."
And time suddenly stood still.
* * * * * * * * * * * * CHAPTER 2: A Coin Toss
"A brain tumor?! You can't be serious," he replied, completely blown away. But one look into Sydney's eyes told him that she was. Dead serious. "Syd. I. I. I don't know what to say," he said, sounding completely lost.
"It's okay. I reacted pretty much the same way when they told me," she said softly, looking down at the ground again. And she *had* reacted that way. When they told her about the tumor, it had been the last thing on her mind. The last thing she ever expected them to tell her. She thought, worse case scenario, the concussion was worse than she thought. How wrong she was.
"Well, I mean, do they know anything? Do they. Do they know how to treat it? Did they tell much about it?" He said, stumbling over his words slightly.
"No. They didn't tell me much. I didn't really know what to ask." She said, suddenly wishing she *had* asked more questions.
"Is it operable?"
"They don't know."
"Cancerous?" She shook her head and shrugged, unable to answer his questions.
"I'm checking in tomorrow to have a round of tests. I should know more soon."
"Checking in to Angel of Mercy?" Vaughn asked, obviously afraid of the same thing she was. How much could an SD-6 hospital really be trusted?
"Yeah," she replied, trying to keep her voice steady. His fear only made her own come back full force. She didn't want him to see her completely break down, though. Not again.
He sighed. "Well, listen, I want you to let me know the second you know anything. Even if you can't call, just get word to me, ok?" He asked gently. She only nodded, unable to bring herself to look into his eyes, afraid she'd lose control of her emotions. She had known telling Vaughn would be difficult, she just didn't know it would be *this* difficult. Though she was managing to keep her emotions in check, it didn't stop Vaughn from noticing her struggle to do so.
"Oh Syd," he said softly, once again taking her into his arms. This time the embrace wasn't filled with tears. Sydney simply closed her eyes and relaxed into his embrace, wishing for the millionth time that everything could be different. Little did she know that Vaughn was wishing the same thing. He held Sydney close, realizing the only way he could comfort her now was physically. He couldn't tell her that it would be okay, that she would be fine. The truth was, she may never be fine again.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Telling Francie and Will had been almost as difficult as telling Vaughn. They had both been quite shocked. Will had a moment of denial, ranting about how the doctors had to be wrong, before he finally realized he was being ridiculous. Francie cried. A lot. She hugged Sydney and cried for what seemed like hours. And when she'd gone to wash her face, she swore Will looked as if he were about to break down too. He paced the room like a caged animal, refusing to meet her eyes.
"Will. please. say something," she begged, unable to take his silence any longer.
"Have you told Vaughn yet?" He asked suddenly, and quietly, making sure Francie couldn't hear them from the bathroom. The question took Sydney a little by surprise, but she nodded in reply. The memory of him not knowing how to react, of being in his embrace, only brought fresh tears to her eyes. Will sighed, stepped forward, and placed his hand on her arm. "I'm sorry, Syd. That's not what I meant to say. I just wanted to make sure he knew. so he could be there for you. I know that's more important to you than you're willing to say," he said, causing Sydney to look up surprise. She didn't know how to respond. Luckily, Francie chose that moment to re- enter the room. Her eyes were still pretty bloodshot from crying, but washing up had done her a lot of good. And she looked determined.
"Okay, I've decided something. Syd, you are the strongest person I know. So you are going to kick this tumor's ass and get done with it and get back to your lousy bank job and your sad life that you love so much before you know it, capiche?" Francie said, hands on her hips.
Sydney couldn't help but smile. Her friend's determination and good-humored jabs at her life immediately helped to lift her spirits. "Can't argue with that," Sydney agreed.
"Good," Francie said, smiling. She wiped her eyes once more to banish any remaining tears and walked over to where Sydney and Will were standing. "In the meantime, do you want me to go with you to your tests tomorrow? I can someone to cover for me at the restaurant, no problem."
"No way, Francie. I know that critic's coming tomorrow. You're going to the restaurant. You'd just be bored all day at the hospital anyway. I'll be fine by myself," Sydney assured her. The last thing she wanted to do was burden Francie with her complicated life.
"You sure?" Francie asked.
"Absolutely. But I'll tell you what. Why don't you stop by and see me when you get off of work? I should be done with all the tests by then. You can keep me company for a little while," Sydney suggested.
"Sounds great. In the meantime, I think we've definitely earned a movie night," Francie stated. Sydney smiled and nodded. Will groaned, knowing what he was in for. Since it was for Sydney, though, he bit his tongue and didn't argue.
"I think that's the best idea I've heard all day," Sydney agreed. "Who are we in the mood for? Oh, I know! How about Hugh?"
"Excellent choice. I'm in the mood for a guy with an accent. So, let's see. "Notting Hill," definitely. Ummm, "Four Weddings and a Funeral". "About a Boy." We need one more," Francie said, trying to think of another movie.
"Ummm. Oh, I got it! 'Nine Months,'" Sydney suggested.
"Oh, good one. That's a funny movie. Okay, I'm going to make some dinner and Will, you're going to go to the video store to pick up those movies. Syd, why don't you write them down for him?"
"I can go get them, it's no problem," Sydney argued.
"No way. Will's going to get the movie's and you are going to sit your ass down on that couch and relax," Francie ordered. Sydney looked helplessly at Will.
"Don't worry about it, Syd. I don't mind," Will assured her, grabbing his keys. "I'll be back in fifteen minutes."
Sydney sighed. She was glad to have Will and Francie at a time like this. They were so supportive. And they really knew how to make her feel better. She watched Francie chopping up vegetables for a salad for a moment before she followed her friend's orders, walking over to the couch and collapsing on top of it.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Sydney was exhausted. Absolutely and completely exhausted. She felt like she'd just has the longest day of her entire life. She'd been put through so many tests she couldn't even remember some of the things they were testing for. She'd had X-rays, an MRI, blood tests, a CT scan. The list went on and on. Finally, the endless testing had finished and she'd been left in her private room to wait. It was only now that she realized the waiting was more torturous than the tests. She wanted to sleep, but couldn't. She was much too anxious. She wished she could call Vaughn and talk, but she knew that was impossible. Even if she wanted to pretend that he was someone else so they could talk, she was sure whoever was watching would be a little suspicious if she pretended to talk to Francie on the phone when Francie appeared in the room. She would be there any minute. So instead, Sydney just sat and stared out the window.
There was a park across the street from the hospital. She saw dozens of kids playing. Some were on the swings, others on the seesaw, others throwing a ball back and forth. She smiled at their innocence. She thought of herself at that age, not knowing how full of deceit the world around her really was. All that mattered back then was that she had a bed to sleep in, clothes to wear, and parents that loved her, or at least appeared to love her. She longed for the world to be that simple again.
"Hey sweetie!" Francie said, walking over to her bed. Sydney realized she hadn't even come through the door. So much for her spy-training in being alert. She smiled at Francie, trying to appear more upbeat than she felt.
"Hi," she said as her friend leaned over to give her a quick hug.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like a lab rat," Sydney replied, smiling.
"Cute. Any word yet?" Francie asked, concern clouding her features.
"Nope, not yet. They said most of the results would be in this afternoon, though." An uncomfortable silence filled the room, neither of them really knowing what to say.
"So what were you staring at?" Francie asked suddenly.
"Huh?"
"When I came in, you were staring out the window at something."
"Oh. Just the park across the street," Sydney replied, quickly glancing back out the window.
"Figures," Francie mumbled.
"Why does that figure?" Sydney asked, confused.
"You and kids. I mean, come on, you have to love kids a lot to want to become a teacher. Not to mention what a great mother you're going to be someday." Her friend's statement touched Sydney.
"You think I'll be a mother someday?"
"Of course you'll be a mother someday! Why wouldn't you?"
"Well, there's the small matter of finding a father," Sydney said, laughing at how Francie managed to skip the most important step.
"You'll find him," Francie assured her. Sydney smiled, wishing she had as much confidence in her future as Francie did. Little did her friend know she had the take-down of SD-6 to deal with before she could really commit to anyone. She wouldn't make that mistake again. And now, there was her health to worry about. Another obstacle she had to find a way through. The truth was she may never actually welcome another life into this world. If the test results were bad news, she may not even live long enough to try.
Ironically, the doctor chose this moment to enter the room, interrupting Sydney's bleak thoughts about her future. He held a manila folder in his hands which Sydney instinctively knew held her test results. She took a deep breath and smiled at the doctor.
"Hello, doctor," she said as cheerfully as she could manage. "Oh, Francie, this is Dr. Hazen," Sydney introduced them. They exchanged quick hellos before he turned his attention back to Sydney.
"I have your test results. I'd like to go over them with you," the doctor said, the look his in eyes speaking volumes. Sydney could tell that he needed to do it in private so that he could discuss things Francie simply couldn't hear. Not if she didn't want to end up like Danny. She just hated asking her to leave.
Luckily, Francie saved her the trouble. "Do you want me to leave, Syd?"
"Um, yeah, can you just give us a minute, Francie? Do you mind?"
"Not at all. I'll be right outside," Francie said, gathering her purse and giving Sydney a quick kiss on the forehead before exiting the room.
"I'm sorry. I normally encourage my patients to have family or friends with them for support, but-"
"I understand, doctor. It's no problem," Sydney assured Dr. Hazen, cutting him off. He nodded.
"Alright then. I have most of your results back. I wanted to discuss them with you right away." He took an X-ray from the folder and put it up on the board, switching the light on. She immediately saw the X-ray of her head. And she saw a light area, which she assumed to be the tumor. "Here is your tumor," the doctor said, surely enough pointing to the light area on the X- ray. "The MRI shows that it does unfortunately appear to be malignant. The good news is that it's treatable. First, we're going to attempt some chemotherapy and radiation. We're hoping that the treatments will be effective enough to shrink the tumor. If all goes well and the tumor becomes small enough, we can perform gamma knife surgery and remove it. Right now, though, our main concern is to make sure it hasn't spread and prevent it from doing so. I've already called Sloane and briefed him on your condition. He sends his best wishes and wanted me to tell you he's putting you on medical leave."
Sydney paused for a moment, trying to take in everything the doctor had just said. There was a lot of it that she couldn't quite grasp, so she simply tried to pick out the important parts of what he was saying.
She had cancer.
She needed to be treated immediately.
"So, doctor, what exactly are my chances?" Sydney asked, knowing that this was the one thing she simply needed to know.
"Well, it's a little early to tell. Your odds mainly depend on how well you respond to treatments," the doctor said, not quite making eye contact with her as he took down the X-ray and put it back in the folder.
"I know you must have some idea. Please," Sydney pleaded. He looked at her, the look in his eyes very grim. Sydney suddenly felt her heart speed up a little and her breath seemed to be caught in her throat as she waited for the doctor's reply.
"Generally, given your type of tumor, the rate of survival is around 50%."
For the second time in as many days, Sydney felt like the breath had been knocked out of her. Her life had suddenly been turned into a game of chance and luck. Almost like a coin toss.
Heads: she lived.
Tails: she didn't.
Author: SydGillyKC
Author's Note: Ok, well this is the second chapter. I'm trying to get the first few chapters up as quickly as possible so people can maybe get interested in the story. That's my hope (. But it's a challenge to write quickly and still try to make it the best quality I can, so bear with me. I have a general idea of where I want this to go and a few major plot points I know, but I'm also writing a lot of this as I go along. Again, I'm really insecure, I've written more fanfics than I can count (though this is the only Alias one so far) and never posted them because I was too scared. So your reviews really help, even if they're constructive criticism. Thanks to those of you who did review and everyone else who reads this, PLEASE review! Please please please!
Dedication: I kind of forgot to put this in the first chapter, but oh well. Now I have two groups of people to dedicate to. First of all, this is for Whit and Em who got me into Alias, even when I was so opposed to loving another show after X-Files. Thank you so much! And this is for those few who reviewed this and the one XF fic I posted. You guys rock! And to Agent- Greenleaf, I hope your arm feels better! * * * * * * * * * * * *
"When they ran the tests on me, to determine if I had a concussion, they found something else." she trailed off, unsure of exactly how to say it.
"What? What did they find?" He asked anxiously, bringing his face closer to her so that she'd have to look at him. She straightened up in a way that said she was determined to do gather the strength she needed to do this and looked straight into his eyes.
"A brain tumor. They found a brain tumor."
And time suddenly stood still.
* * * * * * * * * * * * CHAPTER 2: A Coin Toss
"A brain tumor?! You can't be serious," he replied, completely blown away. But one look into Sydney's eyes told him that she was. Dead serious. "Syd. I. I. I don't know what to say," he said, sounding completely lost.
"It's okay. I reacted pretty much the same way when they told me," she said softly, looking down at the ground again. And she *had* reacted that way. When they told her about the tumor, it had been the last thing on her mind. The last thing she ever expected them to tell her. She thought, worse case scenario, the concussion was worse than she thought. How wrong she was.
"Well, I mean, do they know anything? Do they. Do they know how to treat it? Did they tell much about it?" He said, stumbling over his words slightly.
"No. They didn't tell me much. I didn't really know what to ask." She said, suddenly wishing she *had* asked more questions.
"Is it operable?"
"They don't know."
"Cancerous?" She shook her head and shrugged, unable to answer his questions.
"I'm checking in tomorrow to have a round of tests. I should know more soon."
"Checking in to Angel of Mercy?" Vaughn asked, obviously afraid of the same thing she was. How much could an SD-6 hospital really be trusted?
"Yeah," she replied, trying to keep her voice steady. His fear only made her own come back full force. She didn't want him to see her completely break down, though. Not again.
He sighed. "Well, listen, I want you to let me know the second you know anything. Even if you can't call, just get word to me, ok?" He asked gently. She only nodded, unable to bring herself to look into his eyes, afraid she'd lose control of her emotions. She had known telling Vaughn would be difficult, she just didn't know it would be *this* difficult. Though she was managing to keep her emotions in check, it didn't stop Vaughn from noticing her struggle to do so.
"Oh Syd," he said softly, once again taking her into his arms. This time the embrace wasn't filled with tears. Sydney simply closed her eyes and relaxed into his embrace, wishing for the millionth time that everything could be different. Little did she know that Vaughn was wishing the same thing. He held Sydney close, realizing the only way he could comfort her now was physically. He couldn't tell her that it would be okay, that she would be fine. The truth was, she may never be fine again.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Telling Francie and Will had been almost as difficult as telling Vaughn. They had both been quite shocked. Will had a moment of denial, ranting about how the doctors had to be wrong, before he finally realized he was being ridiculous. Francie cried. A lot. She hugged Sydney and cried for what seemed like hours. And when she'd gone to wash her face, she swore Will looked as if he were about to break down too. He paced the room like a caged animal, refusing to meet her eyes.
"Will. please. say something," she begged, unable to take his silence any longer.
"Have you told Vaughn yet?" He asked suddenly, and quietly, making sure Francie couldn't hear them from the bathroom. The question took Sydney a little by surprise, but she nodded in reply. The memory of him not knowing how to react, of being in his embrace, only brought fresh tears to her eyes. Will sighed, stepped forward, and placed his hand on her arm. "I'm sorry, Syd. That's not what I meant to say. I just wanted to make sure he knew. so he could be there for you. I know that's more important to you than you're willing to say," he said, causing Sydney to look up surprise. She didn't know how to respond. Luckily, Francie chose that moment to re- enter the room. Her eyes were still pretty bloodshot from crying, but washing up had done her a lot of good. And she looked determined.
"Okay, I've decided something. Syd, you are the strongest person I know. So you are going to kick this tumor's ass and get done with it and get back to your lousy bank job and your sad life that you love so much before you know it, capiche?" Francie said, hands on her hips.
Sydney couldn't help but smile. Her friend's determination and good-humored jabs at her life immediately helped to lift her spirits. "Can't argue with that," Sydney agreed.
"Good," Francie said, smiling. She wiped her eyes once more to banish any remaining tears and walked over to where Sydney and Will were standing. "In the meantime, do you want me to go with you to your tests tomorrow? I can someone to cover for me at the restaurant, no problem."
"No way, Francie. I know that critic's coming tomorrow. You're going to the restaurant. You'd just be bored all day at the hospital anyway. I'll be fine by myself," Sydney assured her. The last thing she wanted to do was burden Francie with her complicated life.
"You sure?" Francie asked.
"Absolutely. But I'll tell you what. Why don't you stop by and see me when you get off of work? I should be done with all the tests by then. You can keep me company for a little while," Sydney suggested.
"Sounds great. In the meantime, I think we've definitely earned a movie night," Francie stated. Sydney smiled and nodded. Will groaned, knowing what he was in for. Since it was for Sydney, though, he bit his tongue and didn't argue.
"I think that's the best idea I've heard all day," Sydney agreed. "Who are we in the mood for? Oh, I know! How about Hugh?"
"Excellent choice. I'm in the mood for a guy with an accent. So, let's see. "Notting Hill," definitely. Ummm, "Four Weddings and a Funeral". "About a Boy." We need one more," Francie said, trying to think of another movie.
"Ummm. Oh, I got it! 'Nine Months,'" Sydney suggested.
"Oh, good one. That's a funny movie. Okay, I'm going to make some dinner and Will, you're going to go to the video store to pick up those movies. Syd, why don't you write them down for him?"
"I can go get them, it's no problem," Sydney argued.
"No way. Will's going to get the movie's and you are going to sit your ass down on that couch and relax," Francie ordered. Sydney looked helplessly at Will.
"Don't worry about it, Syd. I don't mind," Will assured her, grabbing his keys. "I'll be back in fifteen minutes."
Sydney sighed. She was glad to have Will and Francie at a time like this. They were so supportive. And they really knew how to make her feel better. She watched Francie chopping up vegetables for a salad for a moment before she followed her friend's orders, walking over to the couch and collapsing on top of it.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Sydney was exhausted. Absolutely and completely exhausted. She felt like she'd just has the longest day of her entire life. She'd been put through so many tests she couldn't even remember some of the things they were testing for. She'd had X-rays, an MRI, blood tests, a CT scan. The list went on and on. Finally, the endless testing had finished and she'd been left in her private room to wait. It was only now that she realized the waiting was more torturous than the tests. She wanted to sleep, but couldn't. She was much too anxious. She wished she could call Vaughn and talk, but she knew that was impossible. Even if she wanted to pretend that he was someone else so they could talk, she was sure whoever was watching would be a little suspicious if she pretended to talk to Francie on the phone when Francie appeared in the room. She would be there any minute. So instead, Sydney just sat and stared out the window.
There was a park across the street from the hospital. She saw dozens of kids playing. Some were on the swings, others on the seesaw, others throwing a ball back and forth. She smiled at their innocence. She thought of herself at that age, not knowing how full of deceit the world around her really was. All that mattered back then was that she had a bed to sleep in, clothes to wear, and parents that loved her, or at least appeared to love her. She longed for the world to be that simple again.
"Hey sweetie!" Francie said, walking over to her bed. Sydney realized she hadn't even come through the door. So much for her spy-training in being alert. She smiled at Francie, trying to appear more upbeat than she felt.
"Hi," she said as her friend leaned over to give her a quick hug.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like a lab rat," Sydney replied, smiling.
"Cute. Any word yet?" Francie asked, concern clouding her features.
"Nope, not yet. They said most of the results would be in this afternoon, though." An uncomfortable silence filled the room, neither of them really knowing what to say.
"So what were you staring at?" Francie asked suddenly.
"Huh?"
"When I came in, you were staring out the window at something."
"Oh. Just the park across the street," Sydney replied, quickly glancing back out the window.
"Figures," Francie mumbled.
"Why does that figure?" Sydney asked, confused.
"You and kids. I mean, come on, you have to love kids a lot to want to become a teacher. Not to mention what a great mother you're going to be someday." Her friend's statement touched Sydney.
"You think I'll be a mother someday?"
"Of course you'll be a mother someday! Why wouldn't you?"
"Well, there's the small matter of finding a father," Sydney said, laughing at how Francie managed to skip the most important step.
"You'll find him," Francie assured her. Sydney smiled, wishing she had as much confidence in her future as Francie did. Little did her friend know she had the take-down of SD-6 to deal with before she could really commit to anyone. She wouldn't make that mistake again. And now, there was her health to worry about. Another obstacle she had to find a way through. The truth was she may never actually welcome another life into this world. If the test results were bad news, she may not even live long enough to try.
Ironically, the doctor chose this moment to enter the room, interrupting Sydney's bleak thoughts about her future. He held a manila folder in his hands which Sydney instinctively knew held her test results. She took a deep breath and smiled at the doctor.
"Hello, doctor," she said as cheerfully as she could manage. "Oh, Francie, this is Dr. Hazen," Sydney introduced them. They exchanged quick hellos before he turned his attention back to Sydney.
"I have your test results. I'd like to go over them with you," the doctor said, the look his in eyes speaking volumes. Sydney could tell that he needed to do it in private so that he could discuss things Francie simply couldn't hear. Not if she didn't want to end up like Danny. She just hated asking her to leave.
Luckily, Francie saved her the trouble. "Do you want me to leave, Syd?"
"Um, yeah, can you just give us a minute, Francie? Do you mind?"
"Not at all. I'll be right outside," Francie said, gathering her purse and giving Sydney a quick kiss on the forehead before exiting the room.
"I'm sorry. I normally encourage my patients to have family or friends with them for support, but-"
"I understand, doctor. It's no problem," Sydney assured Dr. Hazen, cutting him off. He nodded.
"Alright then. I have most of your results back. I wanted to discuss them with you right away." He took an X-ray from the folder and put it up on the board, switching the light on. She immediately saw the X-ray of her head. And she saw a light area, which she assumed to be the tumor. "Here is your tumor," the doctor said, surely enough pointing to the light area on the X- ray. "The MRI shows that it does unfortunately appear to be malignant. The good news is that it's treatable. First, we're going to attempt some chemotherapy and radiation. We're hoping that the treatments will be effective enough to shrink the tumor. If all goes well and the tumor becomes small enough, we can perform gamma knife surgery and remove it. Right now, though, our main concern is to make sure it hasn't spread and prevent it from doing so. I've already called Sloane and briefed him on your condition. He sends his best wishes and wanted me to tell you he's putting you on medical leave."
Sydney paused for a moment, trying to take in everything the doctor had just said. There was a lot of it that she couldn't quite grasp, so she simply tried to pick out the important parts of what he was saying.
She had cancer.
She needed to be treated immediately.
"So, doctor, what exactly are my chances?" Sydney asked, knowing that this was the one thing she simply needed to know.
"Well, it's a little early to tell. Your odds mainly depend on how well you respond to treatments," the doctor said, not quite making eye contact with her as he took down the X-ray and put it back in the folder.
"I know you must have some idea. Please," Sydney pleaded. He looked at her, the look in his eyes very grim. Sydney suddenly felt her heart speed up a little and her breath seemed to be caught in her throat as she waited for the doctor's reply.
"Generally, given your type of tumor, the rate of survival is around 50%."
For the second time in as many days, Sydney felt like the breath had been knocked out of her. Her life had suddenly been turned into a game of chance and luck. Almost like a coin toss.
Heads: she lived.
Tails: she didn't.