Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or any characters related to J.K. Rowling's universe.

Author's Note: So much for updating sooner. Oh well. I apologize to all my readers out there. I hope this doesn't shake your confidence too badly. Blame it on senior year in High School.

Bit of cynicism and sarcasm in this chapter. I don't like the way that people in Rowling's universe handle the subject of love and physical attraction.

Chapter 5: Unexpected Thoughts

            Harry sat in the kitchen thinking, the food on his plate being slowly mutilated by his fork. None of it had gone into his mouth as of yet; he was too preoccupied to eat.

I did not just think that about Remus. I did not just think that about Remus. I did not just think that about Remus. I did not, did not, did not, did not… and so on ran his thoughts.

It would not have been so big a deal if Remus was, in fact, a girl and if he was also, let's say, near Harry's age group. However, things never seemed to be that easy in the life of Harry Potter, and that definitely didn't seem to be changing now. Even if it wasn't Remus who he had thought about in this manner, it was still a man.

Of course, much of what was confusing to Harry was exactly when had he started being attracted to men at all? Had he stopped being attracted to women? Was this why he hadn't gotten along well with Cho? Now that he thought about it, Cho was really the only girl he knew he'd been attracted to. He thought Hermione looked pretty after she got her teeth shrunk, but he never thought about Hermione that way. Cho was the only girl he'd thought about that way, the only person, actually, that he'd ever felt anything for in a romantic manner at all.

You'd think if I were gay I would have been attracted to Ron or Dean or maybe even Seamus. If I were attracted to men, why the hell would Remus be the first one I notice? Oh, this doesn't make any sense at all!

Actually, if Harry knew any bit of psychology, it would have made a lot of sense. Having no parents and then having to grow up at a place like the Dursley's is not the best environment for obtaining heterosexual tendencies. As Remus was the first person that gave Harry the kindness and concern that he had always longed for from a more fatherly figure (besides Dumbledore, but nobody at Harry's age would ever be attracted to him), it was natural that Harry would be subconsciously drawn to him. Maybe not necessarily attracted, but definitely drawn.

But Harry had little knowledge of anything of this matter due to his upbringing. Hell, Harry hadn't felt or done a lot of things until this summer because of the irrational manner in which his stupid, horrible family had raised him. He had never cried so much in his life; he had never let himself divulge his inner feelings and turmoil this freely because he had always seen it as a weakness. What Dumbledore had said about Harry's greatest weapons against Voldemort being the emotions which left him most vulnerable, which caused him to take risks, and which assured he would never be as cold hearted or evil as his nemesis was subconsciously sinking in. Even consciously, Harry realized somewhat that though he didn't want to expose himself to the rest of the world, holding it all in wasn't helping much either. In fact, it was killing him.

Luckily, the less and less time he had been spending with the Dursleys, the more he broke out of his emotional shell. Even if Ron was still a little drawn in as well, Hermione certainly wasn't and she was having a great impact on both of the boys' behaviors whether they knew it or not. Of course, none of this could help Harry figure out his current state of mind.

 He decided he wasn't going to figure it out sitting and playing with his food, so he cleared off his plate and started to walk around aimlessly (because, as everyone knows, walking around aimlessly is the best solution for one's problems). Harry let his feet guide him while he dimly took note of his surroundings, trying to decipher the meaning of this new feeling and especially trying to figure out when and where it originated.

He wandered in and out of almost every room on the first floor before stopping at the staircase and deciding to actually pay attention to his climb lest he trip and fall down. When he made it to the second floor landing, he resumed not paying attention to where he was going and again wandered in and out of almost every room there. By this time, Harry thought he was making some leeway. He had traveled back mentally to his third year at Hogwarts and had started to piece together what he had felt for his DADA Professor at the time. He discovered he felt a lot more strongly than he originally realized, but his thoughts were interrupted as he tripped over a big black lump in the middle of the floor. He had made it up to the third floor unawares and as he passed Buckbeak's room, he had stumbled right over…

"Professor Snape!?" Harry exclaimed, looking back and seeing his Potion's Professor tied and gagged on the floor. Of course, the first thing Harry did when he recovered from his shock was roll on the floor and howl with laughter. This earned him a rather nasty look from Snape, but Harry was too far gone to care.

Snape continued to squirm and stare daggers at Harry who continued to laugh for a good ten minutes before finally getting up and saying, "No, I think I'll leave you there for a while. You need a good long time to think about how nasty you've been over the last few years, and besides, why should I ruin such a lovely job done by my favourite werewolf. It was Remus who tied you up, wasn't it? He's the only other around who could do so. I wonder what you did to set him off so badly. Oh well. I'll just be going now."

With this, he stepped back over Snape and returned to the lower floors of the manner leaving the distraught Potion's master to brood.

Where was I? thought Harry, continuing down the staircase, Oh, yes. Third year. That's when I first saw him. He remembered on the train when he saw Remus sleeping, he thought one good spell would finish him off. Actually, he remembered it was Ron who had said it, but he had definitely agreed with his friend on that count. Was that it? I thought I only felt a great pity towards the man. Maybe I felt something else. Caring? The need to protect? I certainly don't think I thought he was attractive then. Maybe a little later. What about the Patronus lessons? Harry thought back to his private sessions with Remus when he'd first learned how to beat back the dementors. He was always so caring when he thought I'd had enough. Always right there when I woke up with that look of concern on his face. It was endearing, really; not that I noticed it that much back then. That wasn't it. He again went a little farther ahead to the Shrieking Shack incident, when he first found out the truth about Sirius. Sirius…

Harry stopped a second. This was the first time since his godfather's death that the young wizard hadn't thought about him at all. He started to feel guilty that he was occupied with something else, despite the fact that this is what everyone, including Sirius, would have wanted him to do. He was starting to move on without even realizing it, and while that scared him, he began to realize that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing. He half expected that this horrible feeling would overtake him, but really, he felt fine. He felt better than he had in a long time. Sorry Sirius, I guess it's just time. I still miss you though. I hope you know that I love you, even if I never said it.

Suddenly, a cool breeze passed through the manor, even though Harry knew that none of the windows or doors were open. As it passed, it seemed to take away the weight Harry had been carrying for the past two months. He even swore he heard a whisper saying, "I love you too." Then it was gone as mysteriously as it appeared. Harry looked about, trying to see if anything was there but saw nothing. He stood completely still for a moment and took a deep breath. Although he did feel relieved, he still felt that he needed to talk to someone about his feelings surrounding Sirius' death. He figured that would mean Remus, which brought him back to thinking about his current problem.

He remembered when Remus had hugged Sirius to his, Ron's, and Hermione's disbelief. I felt so hurt at first when I thought Remus had betrayed me. I couldn't believe it. God, I was so relieved when he told us all the truth. I don't think I could have taken it if he turned out to be the horrible monster that everyone tried to pin him as. Damn Snape for telling everyone. Remus doesn't deserve that kind of prejudice. He's such a wonderful person. I was so sad when he had to leave. Maybe that was it. Again, Harry thought he had pinned down the exact time he had first felt attraction for Remus. But that really wasn't it either. Urrgh!

At this point, Harry was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he walked directly into a wall. Snapping out of his revere, he looked up to see he was right at the front door to Grimmauld Place. Right as he was getting up off the floor, he heard a strange clicking noise. "That's weird," he observed before realizing the sound he was hearing were the locks unlocking. By the time he figured this out, it was too late to get out of the way of the opening door. He fell backward, reaching out in front of him to grab the door. Instead he grabbed the person now walking through the doorway. All was a fit of fists and feet until both men were lying on the ground, the newly arrived man on top of Harry. Looking up, two green eyes searched around, and after seeing sandy brown hair and a slightly lined face, they finally stopped on two amber eyes.

Harry and Remus then continued to stare at each other for a good ten minutes before both heard a door slamming and an irate potion's professor screaming at them.

"What the hell are you two doing, leaving the door open? Someone might have seen! It's enough that you both leave me lying on the floor tied up with no wand, but risking the security of this headquarters?! Damn idiots! No wonder…"

"Alright Severus, we get the point. I apologize for not closing the door. I don't know what came over me," Remus replied, getting up with a faint blush on his cheeks. "I won't let it happen again."

"See that you don't," yelled Snape before storming off and leaving a slightly dazed werewolf and a completely breathless Harry in the front hallway.

Another big thanks to all those who reviewed.

Next chapter, the tension builds.