Title: This Tear
Author: SydGillyKC
Author's Note: Ok, I have to use this note to respond to a few of my reviews at ff.net. To Tasha, yes my name stands for Sydney, Gillian Anderson, and Kelly Clarkson. They are my three role models. And you definitely have good taste in my eyes if they're your favorite singers/actresses/characters too. I love all three of them. And to Amber, I will answer your questions as best I can. I honestly can't tell you how many chapters are left. I keep thinking that I'll get a point in a chapter and then I'll add so much, it takes two more chapters to get to that point. But it is coming close to an end, yes. And I can't tell you whether it'll be happy or sad. There are both happy and sad things coming up, but there will also be twists, so you really won't know until the very end. So I guess you'll just have to read and see lol. Anyway, here's the next chapter. Hope you like.
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"I think you're reading too much into it. Just give her a few days," Weiss suggested. Vaughn nodded, knowing in his heart that a few days wouldn't change anything. Something had changed in Sydney since he'd seen her last. Whatever she'd experienced in the last three weeks had really affected her. For the entire course of her new treatment, he'd worried and wished she would come home.
And now that she was, he felt farther away from her than ever.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 23: Stargazing
Since the day he'd met Sydney, the day she walked into his office with bright red hair and a swollen lip, he'd felt the connection. It took only weeks for them to grow close. He trusted her instantly, felt for her immensely, and hadn't been able to see his life without her in it since that first meeting. Sydney Bristow had changed his life, and there was no one in the world he cared more about.
And now, years later, it felt like they were strangers.
Since the day she'd gotten home, she was always either sleeping or resting in her room. Vaughn would normally be glad that she was getting rest and recovering, but it was different now. He had a feeling that the constant rest was because she was tired, but also because she was trying to avoid him. He knew that she was still recovering, though, and while that should justify her distance and make him feel better, it did quite the opposite. Knowing that she was still feeling sick, still dealing with something difficult, and doing it completely by herself pained him. He wanted to be there for her, but she just seemed to keep pulling father and farther away from him.
Today was already off to a rocky start.
"Syd, you have to eat something," Vaughn insisted, pushing the sandwich back across the table toward her.
"I already told you, Vaughn, I'm not hungry," she replied angrily, pushing the plate away again. Vaughn leaned back in his chair and sighed.
"Syd-" he began.
"I'm going to lie down for a while," she said, cutting him off. She quickly got up and turned to leave.
"Are you okay?" He called to her retreating form.
"Fine!" He heard her call back seconds before he heard her door close. He shook his head, completely lost. She was still a million miles away. And though she hid in her room most of the time, he could tell she was having a rough time. She slept a lot. He'd risked checking in on her a few times when it had been hours since she's last emerged from her room, an every time she'd been asleep. He knew she was in pain too. Dr. Anderson had already had to refill her prescription that week. And though she hid it well, he saw how she struggled for the strength to walk down a hallway, to pull herself up from a chair, all the little things she used to be able to do without thinking. Everything seemed hard for her now, especially being around him.
"Hey," he heard Weiss say suddenly. Vaughn looked up and saw him walking toward the table. "Is Syd okay?"
"She says she's fine," Vaughn said with an exasperated look.
"Well, I just walked by and it sounds like she's losing her lunch," Weiss said, sitting down across from Vaughn.
"She didn't have any lunch," Vaughn said, gesturing to the sandwich in the middle of the table.
"Well, it sounds like she's losing something," Weiss corrected. Vaughn sighed.
"I'm out of ideas, Eric," Vaughn admitted.
"She still being distant?" Weiss asked.
"You haven't noticed?"
"Well, maybe a bit," Weiss conceded. "But she hasn't been around much to tell."
"Exactly. She avoids facing me and when she has to, it's like I'm talking to a wall. I don't know what happened in isolation, but something must have."
"Have you tried asking her about it?" Weiss asked.
"I've hardly seen her. And when I do, it just never seems like the right time," Vaughn replied.
"You just have to start somewhere. Like now. Why don't you go see if she's okay?" Weiss suggested.
"Because she'll kill me," Vaughn argued.
"She won't. She might break an arm, but she won't kill you," Weiss joked. "Go on."
Vaughn nodded and got out of the chair. He walked over to the kitchen and got a glass out from one of the cupboards. He filled it with water and walked over to the counter. A few pill bottles sat in the center and he picked up a few before finally finding her anti-nausea medication. He opened it and carefully poured two pills into his hand. He placed the bottle back on the counter and proceeded out of the kitchen and to Sydney's door. He paused when he reached it, listening. The room was silent as far as he could tell. He reached out and softly opened the door. The room was dim inside, the lights off and the shades drawn. He saw Sydney lying in the bed, facing away from him. After closing the door behind him, he walked over to the bed. He set the pills and water carefully on the nightstand and slowly lowered himself to sit on the edge of the bed. He leaned over and glanced at her face. Her eyes were closed, her breathing soft and steady. He reached out to run his fingers through her hair, brushing a few strands away from her face. She didn't stir. Careful not to shift the bed too much, he leaned over and softly kissed her cheek. Taking one last lingering look at her, he quietly got up and slipped out of the room.
Sydney opened her eyes after she heard the door close. When she didn't hear any further noise, she turned over to look at the nightstand. She saw the pills and water instantly. She couldn't help the tears that sprung to her eyes. She quickly took the pills, swallowing them around the limp in her throat. She then laid back down, curling up into a fetal position. In the silence, she allowed her tears to fall.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Two days later, it was time for Sydney's first day of testing. Dr. Anderson had explained to them that with this particular treatment, they needed comparative results. He was going to take Sydney to the hospital for testing this week and then wait another week to take her again. Since the components of the treatment were still in her system, he would then be able to tell whether they'd stunted the growth of her tumor, whether they'd temporarily helped, or whether the tumor was still growing in spite of the treatment.
This day of testing was simply a set of results the doctor would then use to compare against the next set a week later. He'd told them he wasn't even going to have the first set looked over until the second had been run so that no one was able to jump to conclusions. Knowing these results wouldn't even be looked over for at least a week noticeably relieved everyone in the house. Tensions still ran high, and the last thing anyone needed was to have something else to worry about.
Vaughn was awake early enough to see Sydney walk out into the main room that morning, shortly before Dr. Anderson was to come pick her up. Vaughn noticed that she'd managed to gain a little strength back the last few days, though she could more than stand to gain a few pounds. She'd hardly eaten the last week, but Vaughn had given up trying to force her. He decided if she didn't gain the weight back soon, he'd talk to Dr. Anderson about it.
Her walk was no longer shaky, Vaughn observed, but she still seemed to tire quickly. He watched her walk past him, glancing at him only briefly, and proceeding over to the counter in the kitchen. He didn't look at her, but he could hear her opening a pill bottle and getting a glass of water. He considered asking her if she felt okay, but ultimately decided no good would come of it. She certainly wouldn't tell him if anything was wrong.
"What time is Dr. Anderson coming to get you?" He asked, not turning around.
"Any minute," she responded.
"I don't suppose you want something to eat," Vaughn guessed before turning around and looking at her.
"Vaughn," she warned as she massaged her temples. So that's what the pills were for, Vaughn deduced. Another headache.
"Syd, you should talk to Dr. Anderson about these headaches. I don't think what you're taking is strong enough," Vaughn told her.
"Dr. Anderson already knows. I'm not an idiot, Vaughn, I know what to tell my own doctor."
"I didn't mean-"
"Forget it," she said, cutting him off. "I won't argue with you now."
Vaughn sighed and turned back around, giving up. He was relieved when he heard the doctor pull in a moment later.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Jack e-mailed me today," Weiss informed Vaughn that afternoon while Sydney was still at the hospital.
"What'd he say?" Vaughn asked.
"Besides demanding an update about Syd, he said that Dixon's got the day off tomorrow and has a scheduled meet with some of our agents. He says he'll let us know if anything valuable comes from the meet," Weiss told him.
"I don't think we should tell Sydney," Vaughn said suddenly.
"What? Why not?" Weiss asked, surprised.
"I mean, not until we know if Dixon's going to give us anything valuable or not," Vaughn quickly added. "She's just not herself right now, and she's got so much to worry about already. There's no need to get her hopes up. If it's good news, we'll tell her."
"Okay," Weiss reluctantly agreed. He paused. "Maybe she's depressed."
Vaughn suddenly froze, hearing Weiss's words. "I've wondered that too," he admitted. "But only when I was extremely desperate for an explanation. I've tried not to really think about it."
"It doesn't seem characteristic of her, does it? Depression."
"No, it doesn't," Vaughn agreed.
"But it wouldn't be all that unusual. All she's been through, all she's going through now. She's sick, isolated up here, separated from her family and friends. I guess it would be pretty normal," Weiss said.
"Not that anything she's ever been through in her life has been normal," Vaughn commented.
"True."
"I'm going to talk to her. It's gone on long enough. I need to find out what's going on. if she needs help," Vaughn decided.
"When?" Weiss asked.
"Soon," was all Vaughn could say for sure.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Vaughn sighed and sat up, finally giving up on sleep. He'd spent most of the day wondering how he was going to talk to Sydney about everything, worrying that no matter what approach he took, she'd close off to him. When she'd returned from testing, as expected, she'd headed straight to her room and remained there for the rest of the evening. Vaughn and Weiss had eaten dinner without her. Vaughn had now been trying to sleep for over and hour, but finally realized it was futile.
He threw the covers aside and got out of bed, deciding some television might help take his mind off everything else. He stretched before walking over to the door and exiting the room. He walked quietly down the hallway, briefly glancing at Sydney's closed door as he passed it. He walked through the main room and over to the kitchen to get a glass of water before seeing what was on TV. He grabbed a glass from one of the cupboards and walked over to the sink. While the water filled the glass, Vaughn glanced out the window right above it. He nearly dropped the glass when he saw Sydney, sitting there on the edge of the porch. She had an afghan draped around her shoulders and she was looking up at the sky. Vaughn immediately turned off the sink and set the glass down. Without thinking, he walked over to the front door. He opened it quietly and walked outside, closing it behind him. He walked along the porch and around the corner until he saw her. She hadn't noticed him yet, and he suddenly wondered if what he was doing was a good idea. She looked so thoughtful, he almost didn't want to interrupt. At the same time, he'd been searching for the opportunity to talk to her for over a week. He felt like it was suddenly being handed to him on a silver platter. He had to take it. He took a few steps closer to her. She finally heard him and turned. For a moment, they both simply stared at each other, neither saying a word. Finally, the silence became too much. He searched his mind for something to say when she suddenly spoke up.
"How did you know I was here?" She asked.
"I was up getting a glass of water and I saw you through the window. What are you doing up?" He asked.
"I could ask you the same," she replied, not answering his question.
"I couldn't sleep," he told her. "Mind if I sit?"
She shrugged and shifted a little before turning her attention back to the sky. He took that as a gesture of permission and walked over to her. He sat down next to her, following her eye-line to the thousands of stars above them. They sat there in silence for a moment, their eyes searching the constellations they so rarely got to see through the smog in L.A.
"Can I ask you something, Vaughn?" She asked suddenly. He looked over at her, but her focus remained on the stars.
"Sure," he said, somewhat uncertain of whether he wanted to enter into this conversation or not.
She was silent for a moment. He wondered if she'd changed her mind when she finally spoke. "Do you believe in heaven?"
Vaughn was caught off-guard by the question. He looked at her for a moment, as if expecting her to explain where the question had come from. When she didn't, he looked back up to the sky. He took a deep breath.
"When I was nine, my grade school had a special celebration for Father's Day. My father died almost a year before that. I was the only kid in my class who showed up to school by myself that day. When I got home, I ran to my mother and cried. I told her I hated Father's Day, and that I never wanted to celebrate it again. My mother quickly loaded me into the car and drove me to this park that my dad used to take me hiking in. She led me into the middle of this spacious field and she pointed straight to the sky. She asked me what I thought of when I looked at the sky. I told her I thought of beauty and peace. She told me that's where my father was, up in Heaven where it was always beautiful and peaceful. She told me he was watching over me from there, always with me, and that he'd be proud to know that I celebrated Father's Day in his memory. Maybe it's simply a naïve believe I've hung onto for all these years, but I've fully believed in Heaven since that day," Vaughn finished, pausing before looking over at her. He was surprised to see that she was looking at him, tears in her eyes. She looked down suddenly and he was worried the connection had been lost.
"My father never really tried talking to me about what had happened to my mother. I spent months wondering and trying to work up the courage to talk to him about it. One day, I finally found him in his study and asked him where Mom was now. He looked at me for a long moment, his face totally expressionless, before calling my nanny and asking her if she could take me to visit my mother's grave. He never talked to be about Heaven or an afterlife. I suppose, as a result, I spent most of my life trying to avoid thinking about it. I occasionally wondered if that's where my mother was, but there was nothing to convince me. When I found out my mother was alive, I realized we'd both been wrong," she paused, shifting her gaze from the ground to the stars once again.
"In the hospital, the only thing I could do to not feel the full intensity of the pain was to think, about anything. Heaven inevitably came to mind. I figured I'd put it off long enough, and it was something I finally had to face, especially being sick. I thought about it a lot. I never really came to a real decision, but hearing your story now. I think I actually believe in it."
Vaughn sighed, realizing she'd presented him with the perfect opportunity to finally ask her what he'd been wondering for over a week. It was now or never.
"What happened in isolation, Syd? Ever since you've been back, you've been so. far away."
Now it was her turn to sigh. She nodded slowly, still not looking at him. "I know."
"Talk to me, Syd. Please," he pleaded softly. She hesitated for a moment before looking at him, the look in her eyes almost apologetic.
"I can't begin to describe to you the emotions you experience when you're fighting a disease, isolated not only from the outside world, but from the people who'd previously been there every step of the way. like you. Let me just say that I know now that they call it isolation not only for being isolated from germs," she paused as Vaughn nodded in understanding. "I realize I've been distant since I came home. It's hard to tell you exactly why. It's really been a mix of things. Part of it was me needing to deal with and accept certain things on my own, but.." she trailed off.
"What?" He asked. She sighed and closed her eyes.
"Most of it was me not wanting to bring you down with the sinking ship," she answered finally.
"Syd-"
"No, Vaughn, let me finish. The treatment they administered made me so sick, Vaughn. Sicker than the chemo, the pneumonia, or the affects from the tumor ever made me. There were moments, however brief, that I nearly lost the will to keep fighting. And that made me realize how easy it would be to give up. To let the cancer win. But I also realized that it would only be easy for me. It certainly wouldn't be for you. And that made me think about the possibility of dying. and what that would be like for you," she stopped for a second, noticing Vaughn visibly tense and look away when she mentioned dying. "I didn't want you to feel pressured to go through that with me, Vaughn. I didn't want you to feel like, if I'm still fighting this when we're able to return home, you had to put your life on hold to be by my side. The cancer only *has* to ruin my life, Vaughn, I won't let it take yours too." She watched him, waiting for a reaction. When she received none, she reached out and laid her hand over his. That finally caused him to look at her. Her breath hitched when she saw the tears in his eyes, their shimmer only doing so much to hide the look of raw pain behind them.
"Syd, you're crazy," he said suddenly, surprising her. She started to move her hand away from his when he caught it and held it tightly in his own. "Can you honestly not see after all this time that I would rather be in the depths of Hell with you than anywhere else without you? I *chose* to come into long-term hiding with you, Sydney. I *want* to be here with you. And I can certainly make my own choices, I don't need you making them for me."
"I just thought-"
"Well, don't," he cut her off. "Stop thinking for me and listen to what I'm saying. There is nowhere on this earth I'd rather be than here with you, and that is not going to change. I love you," he told her, carefully emphasizing each word. She smiled, barely, and nodded.
"I know," she said softly.
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"I heard you that night. The night you wrapped me in the sheets. I heard what you said, but I didn't have the strength to say it back," she told him.
"And you just decided to wait all this time to tell me that?" He asked, incredulous.
"I was scared you'd only said it because I was so sick. I wasn't sure you really meant it," she admitted, looking down at the ground. He reached over and laid his hand under her chin, forcing her to meet his eyes.
"I meant it. I would never say that to you unless I really meant it. You never have to question how I feel for you," he assured her, watching her eyes fill with tears again. She leaned forward suddenly and wrapped her arms around his neck. He held her back, one hand buried her in hair, the other rubbing soothing circles on her back. He rocked her gently, savoring the feeling of having her back in his arms.
"I missed you so much," he whispered into her ear.
"I know. I missed you too." He buried his face in her neck and kissed the skin there as he continued to rock her. Her hold on him tightened and she felt his fingers run through her hair. It was another minute or two before she pulled away and looked at his face. She laid her hand over his cheek, giving him a small smile. His eyes flickered towards her mouth and she instantly knew what was coming. She parted her lips as he leaned in and kissed her. He lost himself in her and wasn't sure how much time had passed when they finally broke apart. She sighed and leaned her forehead against his.
"I love you," he told her again. She closed her eyes, realizing she would never get tired of hearing him say that.
"I love you too."
To be continued.
A/N: I am so sorry I didn't get that out sooner. I really did start it that Sunday I said I was going to, but I didn't get to finish it until now. I went to NYC this weekend to go to a Scully marathon (this thing for charity, I go every year), so that didn't leave me a whole lot of time to finish up. But at least you get a long chapter in return for a long wait. Please be nice and review anyway. There are *very* important and big things coming up in this story and the more reviews I get, the more motivated I am to write, the quicker the chapters come. Either way, I promise to try not to make you wait that long again! I hope you liked it regardless!
Author: SydGillyKC
Author's Note: Ok, I have to use this note to respond to a few of my reviews at ff.net. To Tasha, yes my name stands for Sydney, Gillian Anderson, and Kelly Clarkson. They are my three role models. And you definitely have good taste in my eyes if they're your favorite singers/actresses/characters too. I love all three of them. And to Amber, I will answer your questions as best I can. I honestly can't tell you how many chapters are left. I keep thinking that I'll get a point in a chapter and then I'll add so much, it takes two more chapters to get to that point. But it is coming close to an end, yes. And I can't tell you whether it'll be happy or sad. There are both happy and sad things coming up, but there will also be twists, so you really won't know until the very end. So I guess you'll just have to read and see lol. Anyway, here's the next chapter. Hope you like.
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"I think you're reading too much into it. Just give her a few days," Weiss suggested. Vaughn nodded, knowing in his heart that a few days wouldn't change anything. Something had changed in Sydney since he'd seen her last. Whatever she'd experienced in the last three weeks had really affected her. For the entire course of her new treatment, he'd worried and wished she would come home.
And now that she was, he felt farther away from her than ever.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 23: Stargazing
Since the day he'd met Sydney, the day she walked into his office with bright red hair and a swollen lip, he'd felt the connection. It took only weeks for them to grow close. He trusted her instantly, felt for her immensely, and hadn't been able to see his life without her in it since that first meeting. Sydney Bristow had changed his life, and there was no one in the world he cared more about.
And now, years later, it felt like they were strangers.
Since the day she'd gotten home, she was always either sleeping or resting in her room. Vaughn would normally be glad that she was getting rest and recovering, but it was different now. He had a feeling that the constant rest was because she was tired, but also because she was trying to avoid him. He knew that she was still recovering, though, and while that should justify her distance and make him feel better, it did quite the opposite. Knowing that she was still feeling sick, still dealing with something difficult, and doing it completely by herself pained him. He wanted to be there for her, but she just seemed to keep pulling father and farther away from him.
Today was already off to a rocky start.
"Syd, you have to eat something," Vaughn insisted, pushing the sandwich back across the table toward her.
"I already told you, Vaughn, I'm not hungry," she replied angrily, pushing the plate away again. Vaughn leaned back in his chair and sighed.
"Syd-" he began.
"I'm going to lie down for a while," she said, cutting him off. She quickly got up and turned to leave.
"Are you okay?" He called to her retreating form.
"Fine!" He heard her call back seconds before he heard her door close. He shook his head, completely lost. She was still a million miles away. And though she hid in her room most of the time, he could tell she was having a rough time. She slept a lot. He'd risked checking in on her a few times when it had been hours since she's last emerged from her room, an every time she'd been asleep. He knew she was in pain too. Dr. Anderson had already had to refill her prescription that week. And though she hid it well, he saw how she struggled for the strength to walk down a hallway, to pull herself up from a chair, all the little things she used to be able to do without thinking. Everything seemed hard for her now, especially being around him.
"Hey," he heard Weiss say suddenly. Vaughn looked up and saw him walking toward the table. "Is Syd okay?"
"She says she's fine," Vaughn said with an exasperated look.
"Well, I just walked by and it sounds like she's losing her lunch," Weiss said, sitting down across from Vaughn.
"She didn't have any lunch," Vaughn said, gesturing to the sandwich in the middle of the table.
"Well, it sounds like she's losing something," Weiss corrected. Vaughn sighed.
"I'm out of ideas, Eric," Vaughn admitted.
"She still being distant?" Weiss asked.
"You haven't noticed?"
"Well, maybe a bit," Weiss conceded. "But she hasn't been around much to tell."
"Exactly. She avoids facing me and when she has to, it's like I'm talking to a wall. I don't know what happened in isolation, but something must have."
"Have you tried asking her about it?" Weiss asked.
"I've hardly seen her. And when I do, it just never seems like the right time," Vaughn replied.
"You just have to start somewhere. Like now. Why don't you go see if she's okay?" Weiss suggested.
"Because she'll kill me," Vaughn argued.
"She won't. She might break an arm, but she won't kill you," Weiss joked. "Go on."
Vaughn nodded and got out of the chair. He walked over to the kitchen and got a glass out from one of the cupboards. He filled it with water and walked over to the counter. A few pill bottles sat in the center and he picked up a few before finally finding her anti-nausea medication. He opened it and carefully poured two pills into his hand. He placed the bottle back on the counter and proceeded out of the kitchen and to Sydney's door. He paused when he reached it, listening. The room was silent as far as he could tell. He reached out and softly opened the door. The room was dim inside, the lights off and the shades drawn. He saw Sydney lying in the bed, facing away from him. After closing the door behind him, he walked over to the bed. He set the pills and water carefully on the nightstand and slowly lowered himself to sit on the edge of the bed. He leaned over and glanced at her face. Her eyes were closed, her breathing soft and steady. He reached out to run his fingers through her hair, brushing a few strands away from her face. She didn't stir. Careful not to shift the bed too much, he leaned over and softly kissed her cheek. Taking one last lingering look at her, he quietly got up and slipped out of the room.
Sydney opened her eyes after she heard the door close. When she didn't hear any further noise, she turned over to look at the nightstand. She saw the pills and water instantly. She couldn't help the tears that sprung to her eyes. She quickly took the pills, swallowing them around the limp in her throat. She then laid back down, curling up into a fetal position. In the silence, she allowed her tears to fall.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Two days later, it was time for Sydney's first day of testing. Dr. Anderson had explained to them that with this particular treatment, they needed comparative results. He was going to take Sydney to the hospital for testing this week and then wait another week to take her again. Since the components of the treatment were still in her system, he would then be able to tell whether they'd stunted the growth of her tumor, whether they'd temporarily helped, or whether the tumor was still growing in spite of the treatment.
This day of testing was simply a set of results the doctor would then use to compare against the next set a week later. He'd told them he wasn't even going to have the first set looked over until the second had been run so that no one was able to jump to conclusions. Knowing these results wouldn't even be looked over for at least a week noticeably relieved everyone in the house. Tensions still ran high, and the last thing anyone needed was to have something else to worry about.
Vaughn was awake early enough to see Sydney walk out into the main room that morning, shortly before Dr. Anderson was to come pick her up. Vaughn noticed that she'd managed to gain a little strength back the last few days, though she could more than stand to gain a few pounds. She'd hardly eaten the last week, but Vaughn had given up trying to force her. He decided if she didn't gain the weight back soon, he'd talk to Dr. Anderson about it.
Her walk was no longer shaky, Vaughn observed, but she still seemed to tire quickly. He watched her walk past him, glancing at him only briefly, and proceeding over to the counter in the kitchen. He didn't look at her, but he could hear her opening a pill bottle and getting a glass of water. He considered asking her if she felt okay, but ultimately decided no good would come of it. She certainly wouldn't tell him if anything was wrong.
"What time is Dr. Anderson coming to get you?" He asked, not turning around.
"Any minute," she responded.
"I don't suppose you want something to eat," Vaughn guessed before turning around and looking at her.
"Vaughn," she warned as she massaged her temples. So that's what the pills were for, Vaughn deduced. Another headache.
"Syd, you should talk to Dr. Anderson about these headaches. I don't think what you're taking is strong enough," Vaughn told her.
"Dr. Anderson already knows. I'm not an idiot, Vaughn, I know what to tell my own doctor."
"I didn't mean-"
"Forget it," she said, cutting him off. "I won't argue with you now."
Vaughn sighed and turned back around, giving up. He was relieved when he heard the doctor pull in a moment later.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Jack e-mailed me today," Weiss informed Vaughn that afternoon while Sydney was still at the hospital.
"What'd he say?" Vaughn asked.
"Besides demanding an update about Syd, he said that Dixon's got the day off tomorrow and has a scheduled meet with some of our agents. He says he'll let us know if anything valuable comes from the meet," Weiss told him.
"I don't think we should tell Sydney," Vaughn said suddenly.
"What? Why not?" Weiss asked, surprised.
"I mean, not until we know if Dixon's going to give us anything valuable or not," Vaughn quickly added. "She's just not herself right now, and she's got so much to worry about already. There's no need to get her hopes up. If it's good news, we'll tell her."
"Okay," Weiss reluctantly agreed. He paused. "Maybe she's depressed."
Vaughn suddenly froze, hearing Weiss's words. "I've wondered that too," he admitted. "But only when I was extremely desperate for an explanation. I've tried not to really think about it."
"It doesn't seem characteristic of her, does it? Depression."
"No, it doesn't," Vaughn agreed.
"But it wouldn't be all that unusual. All she's been through, all she's going through now. She's sick, isolated up here, separated from her family and friends. I guess it would be pretty normal," Weiss said.
"Not that anything she's ever been through in her life has been normal," Vaughn commented.
"True."
"I'm going to talk to her. It's gone on long enough. I need to find out what's going on. if she needs help," Vaughn decided.
"When?" Weiss asked.
"Soon," was all Vaughn could say for sure.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Vaughn sighed and sat up, finally giving up on sleep. He'd spent most of the day wondering how he was going to talk to Sydney about everything, worrying that no matter what approach he took, she'd close off to him. When she'd returned from testing, as expected, she'd headed straight to her room and remained there for the rest of the evening. Vaughn and Weiss had eaten dinner without her. Vaughn had now been trying to sleep for over and hour, but finally realized it was futile.
He threw the covers aside and got out of bed, deciding some television might help take his mind off everything else. He stretched before walking over to the door and exiting the room. He walked quietly down the hallway, briefly glancing at Sydney's closed door as he passed it. He walked through the main room and over to the kitchen to get a glass of water before seeing what was on TV. He grabbed a glass from one of the cupboards and walked over to the sink. While the water filled the glass, Vaughn glanced out the window right above it. He nearly dropped the glass when he saw Sydney, sitting there on the edge of the porch. She had an afghan draped around her shoulders and she was looking up at the sky. Vaughn immediately turned off the sink and set the glass down. Without thinking, he walked over to the front door. He opened it quietly and walked outside, closing it behind him. He walked along the porch and around the corner until he saw her. She hadn't noticed him yet, and he suddenly wondered if what he was doing was a good idea. She looked so thoughtful, he almost didn't want to interrupt. At the same time, he'd been searching for the opportunity to talk to her for over a week. He felt like it was suddenly being handed to him on a silver platter. He had to take it. He took a few steps closer to her. She finally heard him and turned. For a moment, they both simply stared at each other, neither saying a word. Finally, the silence became too much. He searched his mind for something to say when she suddenly spoke up.
"How did you know I was here?" She asked.
"I was up getting a glass of water and I saw you through the window. What are you doing up?" He asked.
"I could ask you the same," she replied, not answering his question.
"I couldn't sleep," he told her. "Mind if I sit?"
She shrugged and shifted a little before turning her attention back to the sky. He took that as a gesture of permission and walked over to her. He sat down next to her, following her eye-line to the thousands of stars above them. They sat there in silence for a moment, their eyes searching the constellations they so rarely got to see through the smog in L.A.
"Can I ask you something, Vaughn?" She asked suddenly. He looked over at her, but her focus remained on the stars.
"Sure," he said, somewhat uncertain of whether he wanted to enter into this conversation or not.
She was silent for a moment. He wondered if she'd changed her mind when she finally spoke. "Do you believe in heaven?"
Vaughn was caught off-guard by the question. He looked at her for a moment, as if expecting her to explain where the question had come from. When she didn't, he looked back up to the sky. He took a deep breath.
"When I was nine, my grade school had a special celebration for Father's Day. My father died almost a year before that. I was the only kid in my class who showed up to school by myself that day. When I got home, I ran to my mother and cried. I told her I hated Father's Day, and that I never wanted to celebrate it again. My mother quickly loaded me into the car and drove me to this park that my dad used to take me hiking in. She led me into the middle of this spacious field and she pointed straight to the sky. She asked me what I thought of when I looked at the sky. I told her I thought of beauty and peace. She told me that's where my father was, up in Heaven where it was always beautiful and peaceful. She told me he was watching over me from there, always with me, and that he'd be proud to know that I celebrated Father's Day in his memory. Maybe it's simply a naïve believe I've hung onto for all these years, but I've fully believed in Heaven since that day," Vaughn finished, pausing before looking over at her. He was surprised to see that she was looking at him, tears in her eyes. She looked down suddenly and he was worried the connection had been lost.
"My father never really tried talking to me about what had happened to my mother. I spent months wondering and trying to work up the courage to talk to him about it. One day, I finally found him in his study and asked him where Mom was now. He looked at me for a long moment, his face totally expressionless, before calling my nanny and asking her if she could take me to visit my mother's grave. He never talked to be about Heaven or an afterlife. I suppose, as a result, I spent most of my life trying to avoid thinking about it. I occasionally wondered if that's where my mother was, but there was nothing to convince me. When I found out my mother was alive, I realized we'd both been wrong," she paused, shifting her gaze from the ground to the stars once again.
"In the hospital, the only thing I could do to not feel the full intensity of the pain was to think, about anything. Heaven inevitably came to mind. I figured I'd put it off long enough, and it was something I finally had to face, especially being sick. I thought about it a lot. I never really came to a real decision, but hearing your story now. I think I actually believe in it."
Vaughn sighed, realizing she'd presented him with the perfect opportunity to finally ask her what he'd been wondering for over a week. It was now or never.
"What happened in isolation, Syd? Ever since you've been back, you've been so. far away."
Now it was her turn to sigh. She nodded slowly, still not looking at him. "I know."
"Talk to me, Syd. Please," he pleaded softly. She hesitated for a moment before looking at him, the look in her eyes almost apologetic.
"I can't begin to describe to you the emotions you experience when you're fighting a disease, isolated not only from the outside world, but from the people who'd previously been there every step of the way. like you. Let me just say that I know now that they call it isolation not only for being isolated from germs," she paused as Vaughn nodded in understanding. "I realize I've been distant since I came home. It's hard to tell you exactly why. It's really been a mix of things. Part of it was me needing to deal with and accept certain things on my own, but.." she trailed off.
"What?" He asked. She sighed and closed her eyes.
"Most of it was me not wanting to bring you down with the sinking ship," she answered finally.
"Syd-"
"No, Vaughn, let me finish. The treatment they administered made me so sick, Vaughn. Sicker than the chemo, the pneumonia, or the affects from the tumor ever made me. There were moments, however brief, that I nearly lost the will to keep fighting. And that made me realize how easy it would be to give up. To let the cancer win. But I also realized that it would only be easy for me. It certainly wouldn't be for you. And that made me think about the possibility of dying. and what that would be like for you," she stopped for a second, noticing Vaughn visibly tense and look away when she mentioned dying. "I didn't want you to feel pressured to go through that with me, Vaughn. I didn't want you to feel like, if I'm still fighting this when we're able to return home, you had to put your life on hold to be by my side. The cancer only *has* to ruin my life, Vaughn, I won't let it take yours too." She watched him, waiting for a reaction. When she received none, she reached out and laid her hand over his. That finally caused him to look at her. Her breath hitched when she saw the tears in his eyes, their shimmer only doing so much to hide the look of raw pain behind them.
"Syd, you're crazy," he said suddenly, surprising her. She started to move her hand away from his when he caught it and held it tightly in his own. "Can you honestly not see after all this time that I would rather be in the depths of Hell with you than anywhere else without you? I *chose* to come into long-term hiding with you, Sydney. I *want* to be here with you. And I can certainly make my own choices, I don't need you making them for me."
"I just thought-"
"Well, don't," he cut her off. "Stop thinking for me and listen to what I'm saying. There is nowhere on this earth I'd rather be than here with you, and that is not going to change. I love you," he told her, carefully emphasizing each word. She smiled, barely, and nodded.
"I know," she said softly.
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"I heard you that night. The night you wrapped me in the sheets. I heard what you said, but I didn't have the strength to say it back," she told him.
"And you just decided to wait all this time to tell me that?" He asked, incredulous.
"I was scared you'd only said it because I was so sick. I wasn't sure you really meant it," she admitted, looking down at the ground. He reached over and laid his hand under her chin, forcing her to meet his eyes.
"I meant it. I would never say that to you unless I really meant it. You never have to question how I feel for you," he assured her, watching her eyes fill with tears again. She leaned forward suddenly and wrapped her arms around his neck. He held her back, one hand buried her in hair, the other rubbing soothing circles on her back. He rocked her gently, savoring the feeling of having her back in his arms.
"I missed you so much," he whispered into her ear.
"I know. I missed you too." He buried his face in her neck and kissed the skin there as he continued to rock her. Her hold on him tightened and she felt his fingers run through her hair. It was another minute or two before she pulled away and looked at his face. She laid her hand over his cheek, giving him a small smile. His eyes flickered towards her mouth and she instantly knew what was coming. She parted her lips as he leaned in and kissed her. He lost himself in her and wasn't sure how much time had passed when they finally broke apart. She sighed and leaned her forehead against his.
"I love you," he told her again. She closed her eyes, realizing she would never get tired of hearing him say that.
"I love you too."
To be continued.
A/N: I am so sorry I didn't get that out sooner. I really did start it that Sunday I said I was going to, but I didn't get to finish it until now. I went to NYC this weekend to go to a Scully marathon (this thing for charity, I go every year), so that didn't leave me a whole lot of time to finish up. But at least you get a long chapter in return for a long wait. Please be nice and review anyway. There are *very* important and big things coming up in this story and the more reviews I get, the more motivated I am to write, the quicker the chapters come. Either way, I promise to try not to make you wait that long again! I hope you liked it regardless!