Title: This Tear
Author: SydGillyKC
Author's Note: Okay, well the first thing I have to say is that it's taken me a few days to really get back into the writing mode, because I'm still in shock over my experience on Saturday. Some of you over at SD-1 already know about this, but for those of you reading at ff.net, I was so incredibly lucky as to get to meet Jennifer Garner on Saturday. I'm still sitting here now, staring at the picture of her and I, and not quite believing it all happened. I've been in such a state of happiness and disbelief since then that it's hard to get back into writing this. But I am going to try. I'm sorry if it sucks. And for those of you who want to read more about my meeting Jennifer, you can read all about it on my livejournal and see the picture. The URL is: . And let me just say I've had better pictures taken than that, but who can honestly expect to look good next to the most beautiful woman in the world? Lol! Anyway, about the story now lol. Thank you to everyone who read my author's note last time and really considered what I said and continued to read. I'm sorry to those of you who were upset by it, and I'm sorry for not putting a tissue warning. I have no concept of what people will or won't cry at. This whole story's been sad in my opinion, so I'd just give the whole thing a tissue warning lol. And the last thing I want to say before I proceed to the chapter is a thank you to twin*muse for your review at ff.net. It really means a lot to me knowing that people can actually relate to my story. And to answer your question, I'm moving to Malibu until the end of August when I go to Eagle Rock (Pasadena/Burbank area) for college. Ok, well that's all for now. Hope you enjoy the chapter! Oh, and when you see stars before and after words, those indicate where song lyrics start and end. The formatting sometimes gets messed up, so I'm sorry if it's hard to tell.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
She looked up at him then, her arms still around him. His feelings for her were so plainly stamped across his face and it made her smile. "I love you," she whispered to him. He smiled through the tears she could see shimmering in his eyes and brought his hand to her face.
"I love you, too, Syd. Always. That'll never change," he assured her. She smiled again.
"You're my immortality."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 26: Her List
Vaughn awoke the next morning just before the sun came out. He considered going back to sleep, but one look at the peacefully sleeping Sydney changed his mind. She was facing him, one hand tucked under her cheek, the other out in front of her. She was the picture of serenity. He found himself enraptured in watching her sleep, unable to look away. He watched her chest rise and fall with each soft breath. He tried to imagine a time when she was no longer breathing, when her heart no longer emitted a steady beat. He couldn't. He suddenly found it impossible to look even a day into the future. His life now only consisted of the present. And a desperate longing for the past.
The first thing Sydney was aware of as she awoke was that Vaughn was watching her. She knew it even before she opened her eyes. When she did fully awaken, she saw his green eyes staring down at her, the look in them so intensely sad that it broke her heart. She smiled at him, trying to banish the sadness from his face. She was relieved when he smiled back.
"What time is it?" She asked in a whisper.
"It's still early. Around five I think," he replied. She nodded, rubbing her eyes. He smiled and reached out to run his fingers through her hair. "You should get some more sleep."
"What about you?" She asked, bringing her hands away from her face to look at him. He was about to tell her that he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, that he'd go out to the main room and watch TV for a while, but lost the heart when he saw the look on her face.
"I'll be right here," he said, laying his head back down on the pillow next to her. She smiled at him and then let her eyes slip shut. He reached out, brushing his hand over her face softly. She sighed contentedly, eyes still closed. He felt tears spring to his eyes, but quickly blinked them back. Now was not the time to cry.
He watched her, continuing to stroke her face until he was certain that she was asleep again. He was tempted to stay there and simply watch her until she woke up, but realized that this may be the only chance to follow through with the plan he'd come up with as he watched her fall asleep the night before. So he quietly slipped from the bed and crept out of the room, closing the door softly behind him. He made his way out into the main room, and was relieved to see Weiss's laptop sitting there, just as he'd hoped it would be. He sat at the table and opened the computer, turning it on. He logged into Weiss's e-mail and opened a new e-mail. He copied Jack's address from an old e-mail and wrote it in the box of the new e-mail. He labeled the subject as "Sydney." And then he started to type.
Jack, This is Vaughn. I know it's Weiss who usually writes you, but I wanted to e- mail you about something important. Sydney got some news yesterday that she needs to share with you, but doesn't quite feel right telling you over an e- mail or over the phone. I know this is a desperate attempt, but since I know this is very important to her, I thought I'd try it anyway. Is there any way you could put in a request to be flown here even for a short time to see Sydney? I know that may be hard to request without knowing why it's so important, so if you absolutely need the reason in order to put in the request, I'll tell you. I just know that she'd rather it be her that talked to you about this. If it's not possible, I'm open to any suggestions you may have also. Anything you can do. Please reply soon. Thanks.
Without even bothering to reread what he'd written, he hit the send button.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
It was around nine when Weiss walked into the main room and found Vaughn sprawled across the couch. The television was on, but muted. Weiss could tell Vaughn wasn't exactly paying much attention to the television. His focus seemed to be somewhere through the window, and it was so intense that he didn't even seem to notice Weiss's presence.
"I sense a Sydney trance," Weiss joked, catching Vaughn's attention. Vaughn turned and looked at him, a guilty smile barely noticeable on his face.
"She's a hard person to stop thinking about," Vaughn admitted to his friend.
"Did you guys talk last night?" Weiss asked. Vaughn nodded.
"I told her how sorry I was about exploding at her. She seemed to understand, but it was still probably the hardest conversation I've ever had."
"How's she handling it?"
"It's hard to say. I mean, at first I just thought she was detaching herself from the whole thing, but I finally saw some emotion from her last night. I asked her how she wanted to tell her father and she kind of lost it. She was pretty angry about the whole situation. It was kind a relief to see her react actually," Vaughn explained.
"God, I hadn't even thought about Jack," Weiss said suddenly. "He's *not* going to take this well."
"Which is why Syd wants to tell him. But she doesn't want to do it over the phone or computer," Vaughn told him.
"Well what did she want to do?" He asked.
"I don't know. She was too upset last night to really get into it. But I e- mailed Jack this morning, asking if there was any way he could put in a request to come here."
"How did you do that without telling him why?"
"I just told him that Sydney needed to share some important news with him and she didn't feel right doing over the phone or computer," he replied. Weiss nodded before dropping into the chair next to the couch.
"It seems so unreal," he said quietly.
"Yes it does," Vaughn agreed, equally quiet.
"Have you two discussed alternative medicine at all?" Weiss asked. Vaughn simply shook his head.
"She'd never go for it. Anyway, she's suffered enough. I don't think I could stand to see her have to endure any more painful treatments, any more false hope. She's been through enough already," Vaughn replied.
"Just thought I'd ask. I mean, is Dr. Anderson doing anything from here or this basically the end of his job?"
"He's calling today. I'm sure he'll fill us in then." Weiss nodded and got up, heading over to the table. He watched Weiss open his computer and log on. Vaughn's thoughts quickly wandered back to Sydney when he suddenly heard Weiss calling him over. He looked up, questioning Weiss with his eyes.
"Jack replied."
Vaughn was up in an instant, walking over to the table and sitting down next to Weiss. He leaned over close to the computer as Weiss opened the e- mail. Both men read silently.
Vaughn, I am unfortunately already aware of Sydney's prognosis. I was contacted by Dr. Anderson. I immediately put in the request to be able to see Sydney, but it has been denied. The director feels that with Dixon's new status, it would be too risky for everyone involved. Obviously, I contested this, but I was assured that as long as I remain for the time being, something would be worked out in the near future. I was also provided with a video phone as part of this deal. You will be contacted today by an agent, informing you of where Agent Weiss can pick up one for Sydney. Tell my daughter that I will contact her tonight.
"You two look quite caught up in something," they both heard suddenly, looking up to see Sydney standing a few feet away. She watched as both men looked at each other. Weiss nodded at Vaughn and got up.
"I'll leave you two to talk," he said before he went down the hallway and into his own room. Sydney watched him and then looked back at Vaughn, confused. Vaughn looked back at her and sighed.
"Come sit," he said, gesturing to the chair next to him. She obliged, walking over and sitting in it. He turned his own chair to that it faced hers.
"What's going on?" She asked.
"I e-mailed your father this morning, Syd. I didn't tell him anything, but he just e-mailed me back. I guess Dr. Anderson already told him," Vaughn told her gently. He watched her eyes close, watched the pain play across her face. He reached out, laying his hand over her arm.
"What'd he say?" She asked, still not looking at him.
"Not much. But he did say that he'd made a deal with the director. He wanted to come and see you now, but his request was denied. Instead, they provided him with a video-phone so that he could talk to you tonight," Vaughn explained. She nodded, looking down at the floor. He reached out and lifted her chin so that she was forced to look at him. "He also said that they'd agreed to work out a visitation in the near future."
He saw her eyes flicker with hope. "I'll get to see him? For sure?" She asked.
"Unless the director wants to face your father when he's angry, and that's not likely," Vaughn joked. She smiled a little. He reached out and took her in his arms.
"I told you we'd figure this out together."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Dr. Anderson called later that afternoon to inform them that he was on his way over. He said he'd figured they'd want to talk to him about everything and get some questions answered. When he arrived, they exchanged normal greetings. An outsider looking in on the scene would've never guessed that only the day before, he'd given them the worst news of their lives. He'd sentenced Sydney to death.
They all took seats around the table. Dr. Anderson sat between Sydney and Weiss. Vaughn took his usual seat next to Sydney. For a moment that stretched an eternity, not a word was spoken. The room was silent. Vaughn was instantly reminded of the night Dr. Anderson had told them about the tumor in Sydney's lung. Until this moment, he'd never heard a room go so silent. He'd thought they were receiving bad news then. If only he'd know. Maybe then he could've learned to treasure the time when they at least had reason to hope. That time was now gone. And yet, here they were. In the same, unnatural silence.
It was Sydney who finally decided to break it. "You told my father," she stated, looking at Dr. Anderson. Her tone was more casual than accusatory, but he could still see the doctor look at her guiltily.
"Yes, I did. I'm sorry, I know that's something you probably would've preferred to have done yourself. But I knew that in order for him to request to see you, which I figured he would, he needed my official report. And I didn't want to waste any time waiting," Dr. Anderson explained.
"Did you tell him over the phone?" She asked.
"Yes, I did."
"How-" she paused, clearly trying to hold on to her composure. "What did he say?"
"Well, as I said, I knew your father years ago. He didn't say much, but I could tell he was somewhat stricken by the news. He questioned me about the certainty of the tests I ran. He asked me if there was anything else I could do. He asked me how you took it too."
Sydney nodded, not able to find her voice. Vaughn quickly took notice of this and decided to jump in. "Well, honestly, those were some questions I was hoping you could answer for us. I mean, I'm guessing there are no more treatments you want to attempt. But where do we go from here?" He asked the doctor.
"Well, normally there are a number of different options. But obviously this situation in this case limits our options, as it has from the beginning. You obviously can't stay in the hospital. It's probably too risky to use a hospice program. My suggestion would be to simply keep going as we have before. I'll continue to be Agent Bristow's doctor. I'll come by frequently, stay when I need to, and be on call at all times. I can get any equipment and medication she may need from the hospital. She should be able to remain here for as long as she needs," Dr. Anderson told everyone, looking from person to person as he finished. They all understood what he meant quite clearly. She'd remain at the house until she was able to return home. Or until it was over.
"And there's no treatment or medication you need to put her on now?" Vaughn asked.
"Well, I'll leave you with a pretty strong prescription of pain killers. They should work for the time being. Eventually, she'll probably have to go on a morphine pump, but we'll try to take this one step at a time. All I'd recommend now is that she get enough rest. Otherwise, she can do whatever she feels up to."
They were all taking in the doctor's words when the phone rang, making them all jump slightly. Weiss quickly got up to answer it. They watched the one- way conversation filled mostly with one word responses until Weiss hung up. He looked over at them.
"That was about the video-phone. They've set up a secure location where I can pick it up. In case there's traffic, I have to leave now, though, in order to get it back in time," he told them as he grabbed the car keys from the counter. "I'll see you guys later."
Once he was out the door, the silence quickly returned. But this time the silence was not due to ignorance on the subject, but now from knowing entirely too much. Ignorance certainly had been bliss. But knowledge- knowledge was not power. It was quite the opposite.
"Well, unless you have any more questions, I'll leave you two alone. I'm sure you want to get ready to talk to your father," Dr. Anderson said to Sydney.
"Thanks, doctor. I think we've heard all we needed to know for now," Vaughn assured him, standing up and shaking the doctor's hand.
"Give me a call if there's anything you need. Otherwise, I'll be by in a few days," he said. Sydney and Vaughn both nodded. Vaughn showed Dr. Anderson out as Sydney relocated to the couch, perching on the edge of it. Once the doctor was gone, Vaughn walked over and sat next to Sydney. Moments passed, but neither spoke.
"There were so many things I wanted to do before I died," Sydney said suddenly. "I always figured I'd have time to do them. Even working for SD-6 and the CIA, I just took it for granted most of the time that I'd come back from each mission, still having years to accomplish things."
Vaughn expected to feel immediately resistant to the conversation. The last thing he wanted to think of was what was happening to Sydney, was how he'd have to soon live without her. But instead, he found himself curious and intrigued. He wanted nothing more than for her to open up to him.
"Like what?" He asked. She looked over at him, clearly surprised. He figured she must've expected the same reaction he'd expected from himself. But he couldn't find it in him to be angry at her for talking about death. He was so tired of being angry.
"Like," she trailed off, thinking. "Go parasailing in the Caribbean."
"How typical," he teased. She smiled.
"Well that wasn't that high on my list anyway," she told him.
"You made a list?" He asked, surprised. "That's morbid."
"It was a mental list," she added quickly.
"What were some of the higher things?" He asked.
"To spend a romantic weekend in Paris with someone I loved," she replied. He couldn't help but smile.
"Too bad we were discovered and almost killed that time. Otherwise we might've accomplished that one."
"That was in Nice," she reminded him. "Not Paris."
"Close enough," he said. "What else?"
"To be able tell Francie stories about us. How we met, missions we went on, everything," she said with a small smile.
"Still possible," he reminded her. She nodded. "Keep going," he urged her.
"To get a golden retriever as a pet, to climb Mount Everest, to run in a marathon," she listed. Vaughn nodded after each one, amused. "But none of those even come close to the top five."
"Tell me the top five," he requested. She looked at him for a moment, hesitant. "Please," he begged, reaching over and covering her hand with his. She nodded, giving in. And the whole mood of the conversation suddenly changed. Before, the mood had been light, joking even. Vaughn could literally feel the air around him change as both of them grew serious. And suddenly this wasn't just an imaginary list. It represented everything they'd missed, everything that had been taken away from them. Things they'd never even had a chance for.
*With this tear
I thee want
I long for you talk to me like you did
That night in the restaurant*
"Number five..... to go to Tratoria de Narti with you."
*You spoke of love so openly
And again and again you promised me
That you'd never leave
But now you're gone*
"To grow old with someone I love."
*With this voice
I thee call
Sometimes I catch myself calling your name
When you're not there at all*
"To have kids. A girl and a boy, in that order. To watch them grow up."
*Please tell me what I did wrong
Why must I hear your voice inside my head
All day and all night long
It's not fair*
"To get married on a beautiful summer day. In a gazebo covered with flowers. To have my father give me away."
*With these arms
I held you
When you told me you were dying
I had less courage, it's true*
"What was your number one?" Vaughn asked, tears in his eyes.
She took a deep breath and sighed.
*And you wrote every day
Writing about the things that we could do
When your pain went away
But all that went away was you*
"To destroy SD-6 and retire from the CIA so I could accomplish everything else on the list."
*With this tear*
It was a long moment, eyes locked, tears flowing. Without knowing who had initiated the action, she was soon in his arms. His cheek pressed against hers, they could both feel their tears falling and mixing with each other, fusing together just as their lives had years before. They were inextricably linked, soul-mates in the truest way. Feeling her warm and alive in his arms now, Vaughn couldn't imagine his life without her in it. She'd become his life. He'd shared every dream she'd revealed from her list. He'd shared her mission, her life, and her love.
But no matter how much he'd shared with her in the past, he could not share her death.
To be continued.
A/N: I am *so* glad I was able to get this out before I moved! It got pretty close between packing and having to see all these people to say goodbye, but I did it. I'm still not even sure about my internet situation out there, so we'll see what happens. Hopefully I'll be able to get cable for a month until I start school. Otherwise I'll have to do dial-up, and it may take a few days to set up. But I have plenty of time while I'm flying to write the next chapter. It just may take a few days to get it up, so there's your warning. And that said, please review! Between moving and rehearsing for my huge audition for a manager on Thursday, life has been sooo stressful and sad lately. It'll be nice to read some reviews between all the goodbyes I have to say. I hope you liked the chapter! This was my first attempt at putting song lyrics into the story. I really wanted to include them because it was this song that the story was named after. The song is "With This Tear" by Celine Dion. Next chapter, Syd talks to her dad. I'll get it up as soon as I can, I promise!
Author: SydGillyKC
Author's Note: Okay, well the first thing I have to say is that it's taken me a few days to really get back into the writing mode, because I'm still in shock over my experience on Saturday. Some of you over at SD-1 already know about this, but for those of you reading at ff.net, I was so incredibly lucky as to get to meet Jennifer Garner on Saturday. I'm still sitting here now, staring at the picture of her and I, and not quite believing it all happened. I've been in such a state of happiness and disbelief since then that it's hard to get back into writing this. But I am going to try. I'm sorry if it sucks. And for those of you who want to read more about my meeting Jennifer, you can read all about it on my livejournal and see the picture. The URL is: . And let me just say I've had better pictures taken than that, but who can honestly expect to look good next to the most beautiful woman in the world? Lol! Anyway, about the story now lol. Thank you to everyone who read my author's note last time and really considered what I said and continued to read. I'm sorry to those of you who were upset by it, and I'm sorry for not putting a tissue warning. I have no concept of what people will or won't cry at. This whole story's been sad in my opinion, so I'd just give the whole thing a tissue warning lol. And the last thing I want to say before I proceed to the chapter is a thank you to twin*muse for your review at ff.net. It really means a lot to me knowing that people can actually relate to my story. And to answer your question, I'm moving to Malibu until the end of August when I go to Eagle Rock (Pasadena/Burbank area) for college. Ok, well that's all for now. Hope you enjoy the chapter! Oh, and when you see stars before and after words, those indicate where song lyrics start and end. The formatting sometimes gets messed up, so I'm sorry if it's hard to tell.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
She looked up at him then, her arms still around him. His feelings for her were so plainly stamped across his face and it made her smile. "I love you," she whispered to him. He smiled through the tears she could see shimmering in his eyes and brought his hand to her face.
"I love you, too, Syd. Always. That'll never change," he assured her. She smiled again.
"You're my immortality."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 26: Her List
Vaughn awoke the next morning just before the sun came out. He considered going back to sleep, but one look at the peacefully sleeping Sydney changed his mind. She was facing him, one hand tucked under her cheek, the other out in front of her. She was the picture of serenity. He found himself enraptured in watching her sleep, unable to look away. He watched her chest rise and fall with each soft breath. He tried to imagine a time when she was no longer breathing, when her heart no longer emitted a steady beat. He couldn't. He suddenly found it impossible to look even a day into the future. His life now only consisted of the present. And a desperate longing for the past.
The first thing Sydney was aware of as she awoke was that Vaughn was watching her. She knew it even before she opened her eyes. When she did fully awaken, she saw his green eyes staring down at her, the look in them so intensely sad that it broke her heart. She smiled at him, trying to banish the sadness from his face. She was relieved when he smiled back.
"What time is it?" She asked in a whisper.
"It's still early. Around five I think," he replied. She nodded, rubbing her eyes. He smiled and reached out to run his fingers through her hair. "You should get some more sleep."
"What about you?" She asked, bringing her hands away from her face to look at him. He was about to tell her that he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, that he'd go out to the main room and watch TV for a while, but lost the heart when he saw the look on her face.
"I'll be right here," he said, laying his head back down on the pillow next to her. She smiled at him and then let her eyes slip shut. He reached out, brushing his hand over her face softly. She sighed contentedly, eyes still closed. He felt tears spring to his eyes, but quickly blinked them back. Now was not the time to cry.
He watched her, continuing to stroke her face until he was certain that she was asleep again. He was tempted to stay there and simply watch her until she woke up, but realized that this may be the only chance to follow through with the plan he'd come up with as he watched her fall asleep the night before. So he quietly slipped from the bed and crept out of the room, closing the door softly behind him. He made his way out into the main room, and was relieved to see Weiss's laptop sitting there, just as he'd hoped it would be. He sat at the table and opened the computer, turning it on. He logged into Weiss's e-mail and opened a new e-mail. He copied Jack's address from an old e-mail and wrote it in the box of the new e-mail. He labeled the subject as "Sydney." And then he started to type.
Jack, This is Vaughn. I know it's Weiss who usually writes you, but I wanted to e- mail you about something important. Sydney got some news yesterday that she needs to share with you, but doesn't quite feel right telling you over an e- mail or over the phone. I know this is a desperate attempt, but since I know this is very important to her, I thought I'd try it anyway. Is there any way you could put in a request to be flown here even for a short time to see Sydney? I know that may be hard to request without knowing why it's so important, so if you absolutely need the reason in order to put in the request, I'll tell you. I just know that she'd rather it be her that talked to you about this. If it's not possible, I'm open to any suggestions you may have also. Anything you can do. Please reply soon. Thanks.
Without even bothering to reread what he'd written, he hit the send button.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
It was around nine when Weiss walked into the main room and found Vaughn sprawled across the couch. The television was on, but muted. Weiss could tell Vaughn wasn't exactly paying much attention to the television. His focus seemed to be somewhere through the window, and it was so intense that he didn't even seem to notice Weiss's presence.
"I sense a Sydney trance," Weiss joked, catching Vaughn's attention. Vaughn turned and looked at him, a guilty smile barely noticeable on his face.
"She's a hard person to stop thinking about," Vaughn admitted to his friend.
"Did you guys talk last night?" Weiss asked. Vaughn nodded.
"I told her how sorry I was about exploding at her. She seemed to understand, but it was still probably the hardest conversation I've ever had."
"How's she handling it?"
"It's hard to say. I mean, at first I just thought she was detaching herself from the whole thing, but I finally saw some emotion from her last night. I asked her how she wanted to tell her father and she kind of lost it. She was pretty angry about the whole situation. It was kind a relief to see her react actually," Vaughn explained.
"God, I hadn't even thought about Jack," Weiss said suddenly. "He's *not* going to take this well."
"Which is why Syd wants to tell him. But she doesn't want to do it over the phone or computer," Vaughn told him.
"Well what did she want to do?" He asked.
"I don't know. She was too upset last night to really get into it. But I e- mailed Jack this morning, asking if there was any way he could put in a request to come here."
"How did you do that without telling him why?"
"I just told him that Sydney needed to share some important news with him and she didn't feel right doing over the phone or computer," he replied. Weiss nodded before dropping into the chair next to the couch.
"It seems so unreal," he said quietly.
"Yes it does," Vaughn agreed, equally quiet.
"Have you two discussed alternative medicine at all?" Weiss asked. Vaughn simply shook his head.
"She'd never go for it. Anyway, she's suffered enough. I don't think I could stand to see her have to endure any more painful treatments, any more false hope. She's been through enough already," Vaughn replied.
"Just thought I'd ask. I mean, is Dr. Anderson doing anything from here or this basically the end of his job?"
"He's calling today. I'm sure he'll fill us in then." Weiss nodded and got up, heading over to the table. He watched Weiss open his computer and log on. Vaughn's thoughts quickly wandered back to Sydney when he suddenly heard Weiss calling him over. He looked up, questioning Weiss with his eyes.
"Jack replied."
Vaughn was up in an instant, walking over to the table and sitting down next to Weiss. He leaned over close to the computer as Weiss opened the e- mail. Both men read silently.
Vaughn, I am unfortunately already aware of Sydney's prognosis. I was contacted by Dr. Anderson. I immediately put in the request to be able to see Sydney, but it has been denied. The director feels that with Dixon's new status, it would be too risky for everyone involved. Obviously, I contested this, but I was assured that as long as I remain for the time being, something would be worked out in the near future. I was also provided with a video phone as part of this deal. You will be contacted today by an agent, informing you of where Agent Weiss can pick up one for Sydney. Tell my daughter that I will contact her tonight.
"You two look quite caught up in something," they both heard suddenly, looking up to see Sydney standing a few feet away. She watched as both men looked at each other. Weiss nodded at Vaughn and got up.
"I'll leave you two to talk," he said before he went down the hallway and into his own room. Sydney watched him and then looked back at Vaughn, confused. Vaughn looked back at her and sighed.
"Come sit," he said, gesturing to the chair next to him. She obliged, walking over and sitting in it. He turned his own chair to that it faced hers.
"What's going on?" She asked.
"I e-mailed your father this morning, Syd. I didn't tell him anything, but he just e-mailed me back. I guess Dr. Anderson already told him," Vaughn told her gently. He watched her eyes close, watched the pain play across her face. He reached out, laying his hand over her arm.
"What'd he say?" She asked, still not looking at him.
"Not much. But he did say that he'd made a deal with the director. He wanted to come and see you now, but his request was denied. Instead, they provided him with a video-phone so that he could talk to you tonight," Vaughn explained. She nodded, looking down at the floor. He reached out and lifted her chin so that she was forced to look at him. "He also said that they'd agreed to work out a visitation in the near future."
He saw her eyes flicker with hope. "I'll get to see him? For sure?" She asked.
"Unless the director wants to face your father when he's angry, and that's not likely," Vaughn joked. She smiled a little. He reached out and took her in his arms.
"I told you we'd figure this out together."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Dr. Anderson called later that afternoon to inform them that he was on his way over. He said he'd figured they'd want to talk to him about everything and get some questions answered. When he arrived, they exchanged normal greetings. An outsider looking in on the scene would've never guessed that only the day before, he'd given them the worst news of their lives. He'd sentenced Sydney to death.
They all took seats around the table. Dr. Anderson sat between Sydney and Weiss. Vaughn took his usual seat next to Sydney. For a moment that stretched an eternity, not a word was spoken. The room was silent. Vaughn was instantly reminded of the night Dr. Anderson had told them about the tumor in Sydney's lung. Until this moment, he'd never heard a room go so silent. He'd thought they were receiving bad news then. If only he'd know. Maybe then he could've learned to treasure the time when they at least had reason to hope. That time was now gone. And yet, here they were. In the same, unnatural silence.
It was Sydney who finally decided to break it. "You told my father," she stated, looking at Dr. Anderson. Her tone was more casual than accusatory, but he could still see the doctor look at her guiltily.
"Yes, I did. I'm sorry, I know that's something you probably would've preferred to have done yourself. But I knew that in order for him to request to see you, which I figured he would, he needed my official report. And I didn't want to waste any time waiting," Dr. Anderson explained.
"Did you tell him over the phone?" She asked.
"Yes, I did."
"How-" she paused, clearly trying to hold on to her composure. "What did he say?"
"Well, as I said, I knew your father years ago. He didn't say much, but I could tell he was somewhat stricken by the news. He questioned me about the certainty of the tests I ran. He asked me if there was anything else I could do. He asked me how you took it too."
Sydney nodded, not able to find her voice. Vaughn quickly took notice of this and decided to jump in. "Well, honestly, those were some questions I was hoping you could answer for us. I mean, I'm guessing there are no more treatments you want to attempt. But where do we go from here?" He asked the doctor.
"Well, normally there are a number of different options. But obviously this situation in this case limits our options, as it has from the beginning. You obviously can't stay in the hospital. It's probably too risky to use a hospice program. My suggestion would be to simply keep going as we have before. I'll continue to be Agent Bristow's doctor. I'll come by frequently, stay when I need to, and be on call at all times. I can get any equipment and medication she may need from the hospital. She should be able to remain here for as long as she needs," Dr. Anderson told everyone, looking from person to person as he finished. They all understood what he meant quite clearly. She'd remain at the house until she was able to return home. Or until it was over.
"And there's no treatment or medication you need to put her on now?" Vaughn asked.
"Well, I'll leave you with a pretty strong prescription of pain killers. They should work for the time being. Eventually, she'll probably have to go on a morphine pump, but we'll try to take this one step at a time. All I'd recommend now is that she get enough rest. Otherwise, she can do whatever she feels up to."
They were all taking in the doctor's words when the phone rang, making them all jump slightly. Weiss quickly got up to answer it. They watched the one- way conversation filled mostly with one word responses until Weiss hung up. He looked over at them.
"That was about the video-phone. They've set up a secure location where I can pick it up. In case there's traffic, I have to leave now, though, in order to get it back in time," he told them as he grabbed the car keys from the counter. "I'll see you guys later."
Once he was out the door, the silence quickly returned. But this time the silence was not due to ignorance on the subject, but now from knowing entirely too much. Ignorance certainly had been bliss. But knowledge- knowledge was not power. It was quite the opposite.
"Well, unless you have any more questions, I'll leave you two alone. I'm sure you want to get ready to talk to your father," Dr. Anderson said to Sydney.
"Thanks, doctor. I think we've heard all we needed to know for now," Vaughn assured him, standing up and shaking the doctor's hand.
"Give me a call if there's anything you need. Otherwise, I'll be by in a few days," he said. Sydney and Vaughn both nodded. Vaughn showed Dr. Anderson out as Sydney relocated to the couch, perching on the edge of it. Once the doctor was gone, Vaughn walked over and sat next to Sydney. Moments passed, but neither spoke.
"There were so many things I wanted to do before I died," Sydney said suddenly. "I always figured I'd have time to do them. Even working for SD-6 and the CIA, I just took it for granted most of the time that I'd come back from each mission, still having years to accomplish things."
Vaughn expected to feel immediately resistant to the conversation. The last thing he wanted to think of was what was happening to Sydney, was how he'd have to soon live without her. But instead, he found himself curious and intrigued. He wanted nothing more than for her to open up to him.
"Like what?" He asked. She looked over at him, clearly surprised. He figured she must've expected the same reaction he'd expected from himself. But he couldn't find it in him to be angry at her for talking about death. He was so tired of being angry.
"Like," she trailed off, thinking. "Go parasailing in the Caribbean."
"How typical," he teased. She smiled.
"Well that wasn't that high on my list anyway," she told him.
"You made a list?" He asked, surprised. "That's morbid."
"It was a mental list," she added quickly.
"What were some of the higher things?" He asked.
"To spend a romantic weekend in Paris with someone I loved," she replied. He couldn't help but smile.
"Too bad we were discovered and almost killed that time. Otherwise we might've accomplished that one."
"That was in Nice," she reminded him. "Not Paris."
"Close enough," he said. "What else?"
"To be able tell Francie stories about us. How we met, missions we went on, everything," she said with a small smile.
"Still possible," he reminded her. She nodded. "Keep going," he urged her.
"To get a golden retriever as a pet, to climb Mount Everest, to run in a marathon," she listed. Vaughn nodded after each one, amused. "But none of those even come close to the top five."
"Tell me the top five," he requested. She looked at him for a moment, hesitant. "Please," he begged, reaching over and covering her hand with his. She nodded, giving in. And the whole mood of the conversation suddenly changed. Before, the mood had been light, joking even. Vaughn could literally feel the air around him change as both of them grew serious. And suddenly this wasn't just an imaginary list. It represented everything they'd missed, everything that had been taken away from them. Things they'd never even had a chance for.
*With this tear
I thee want
I long for you talk to me like you did
That night in the restaurant*
"Number five..... to go to Tratoria de Narti with you."
*You spoke of love so openly
And again and again you promised me
That you'd never leave
But now you're gone*
"To grow old with someone I love."
*With this voice
I thee call
Sometimes I catch myself calling your name
When you're not there at all*
"To have kids. A girl and a boy, in that order. To watch them grow up."
*Please tell me what I did wrong
Why must I hear your voice inside my head
All day and all night long
It's not fair*
"To get married on a beautiful summer day. In a gazebo covered with flowers. To have my father give me away."
*With these arms
I held you
When you told me you were dying
I had less courage, it's true*
"What was your number one?" Vaughn asked, tears in his eyes.
She took a deep breath and sighed.
*And you wrote every day
Writing about the things that we could do
When your pain went away
But all that went away was you*
"To destroy SD-6 and retire from the CIA so I could accomplish everything else on the list."
*With this tear*
It was a long moment, eyes locked, tears flowing. Without knowing who had initiated the action, she was soon in his arms. His cheek pressed against hers, they could both feel their tears falling and mixing with each other, fusing together just as their lives had years before. They were inextricably linked, soul-mates in the truest way. Feeling her warm and alive in his arms now, Vaughn couldn't imagine his life without her in it. She'd become his life. He'd shared every dream she'd revealed from her list. He'd shared her mission, her life, and her love.
But no matter how much he'd shared with her in the past, he could not share her death.
To be continued.
A/N: I am *so* glad I was able to get this out before I moved! It got pretty close between packing and having to see all these people to say goodbye, but I did it. I'm still not even sure about my internet situation out there, so we'll see what happens. Hopefully I'll be able to get cable for a month until I start school. Otherwise I'll have to do dial-up, and it may take a few days to set up. But I have plenty of time while I'm flying to write the next chapter. It just may take a few days to get it up, so there's your warning. And that said, please review! Between moving and rehearsing for my huge audition for a manager on Thursday, life has been sooo stressful and sad lately. It'll be nice to read some reviews between all the goodbyes I have to say. I hope you liked the chapter! This was my first attempt at putting song lyrics into the story. I really wanted to include them because it was this song that the story was named after. The song is "With This Tear" by Celine Dion. Next chapter, Syd talks to her dad. I'll get it up as soon as I can, I promise!