Author's Note: This thought came to me the other day as I watched the episode over again. I had to get it down before it slipped away.
What I Was Really Going to Say
"You weren't really going to say that, were you?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
But he did. She knew it, he knew it, and probably McKay and Ford knew it.
He settled back against the pillows, remembering those moments in the Jumper. He'd thought it was over. His life was about to end and suddenly, overwhelmed, he had wanted to say something very important.
He wanted to tell Weir thanks. Thanks for taking a chance on a soldier with a black mark. Thanks for asking him along for the journey. He wasn't sure there were words to express how he felt, but he wasn't saying it for him, it was for her.
He knew she'd blame herself. He had never doubted the Jumper's arrival through the gate. He had trusted that McKay would figure it out, eventually. The guy was a sure shot for doom and gloom, but he could pull it out when he needed to. But John hadn't thought he was going to make it.
I have to admit, it was a pleasant surprise, he had said, but it was more than a pleasant surprise. He was relieved to be able to continue his journey. Continue this adventure that he had only just begun in the Pegasus galaxy. But more than anything, he was relieved she wouldn't have his death in her hands.
It wouldn't matter that none of the events had been in her control. It wouldn't have mattered that she had done everything possible and never given up. All that would matter would have been that he had died. He knew that she would take it in, and hold it tight, and never let it go.
He knew someday, someday probably soon, they would lose more personnel, but he hoped to be there to help her pick up the pieces. Somehow he and this political scientist Doctor had formed a friendship. He wasn't sure how or when it happened. The seeds were probably planted when she had offered him the job. The sapling grew when she listened to him, truly listened, and didn't disregard the lives in the hands of the wraith.
Everyone needed friends, and he had a hunch, they'd need them a lot more than most this far from home. He smiled; a soft flicker of amusement and peace with the turn of events. He'd be okay, and so would everyone else. For today it was enough.