Title: This Tear
Author: SydGillyKC
Author's Note: Every time I start a new chapter, it baffles me that I've actually made it this far. It amazes me even more that I've been writing this story for more than eight months. So since I don't have anything of much interest to say in this author's note, I just want to thank all of you who actually keep reading this. Your reviews really mean so much to me, they brighten my day. So, once again, I hope you enjoy the chapter. I promise, I really did try to throw some happy things in among the sad. Tissue warning is always in effect, though, just in case!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
She shook her head, cutting him off. She looked back up into his eyes. The intense sadness in them made his breath catch in his throat.
"I'm losing my mind," she said, slower this time, emphasizing each word. Vaughn froze then, realizing there was more to her words than he realized.
"What do you mean?"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 33: The Essence of Home
Sydney wiped a falling tear from her face and looked again to the water. "I was just sitting here, thinking, and I suddenly realized... Vaughn, I couldn't remember my middle name. My own middle name," she told him, her voice pained and frustrated.
Vaughn didn't have time to brace himself for the wave of emotion that washed suddenly over him. Biting his lip, he looked down at their joined hands as he turned his and lacked his fingers through hers. "Ann," he said softly. She looked at him immediately, causing him to look up as well too meet her eyes. "Your middle name is Ann."
"Ann," she repeated in a whisper, closing her eyes.
"The doctor said memory loss was typical," Vaughn reminded her, though he knew his words were hollow.
"That doesn't make it any easier to feel your memories slipping through your fingers," she commented somewhat angrily.
"No, it doesn't," he agreed.
She looked at him again, tears in her eyes. "What if I keep losing them, Vaughn? Who am I without my memories?"
"You're still you, Syd. You're still the same person, the same woman I fell in love with that night at the pier. Losing your memories doesn't mean losing who you are. The experiences in those memories have already shaped you, even if you can't remember them. *I'll* remember them for both of us," he assured her, squeezing her hand.
"Promise me something?" She requested softly.
"Of course," he replied.
"Promise me that when I'm too sick to communicate, to remember, that you'll remind me, that you'll tell me about us, about Weiss, even about SD-6. Promise me that you won't let me forget completely."
He nodded slowly. "I promise." He paused. "Come on, we should get you back inside. It's going to start getting cold soon."
"Can we just stay here for a while? Please. I just want to sit for a while longer," she requested. Vaughn normally would've insisted, but he knew things were different now. All he could do to help her anymore was to try to give her what she wanted, to make her happy. Nothing he did now could ever make her better.
"Sure, we'll sit here for a bit," he acquiesced. She smiled her gratitude as he slipped his arm around her back. She easily rested her head on his shoulder and allowed herself to relax against him. He rested his cheek against the crown of her head and closed his eyes briefly, willing the dark thoughts out of his head. Concentrating on the breeze against his face, the sound of the water, and the feel of her soft hair against his face, he allowed himself simply to feel. After a few moments, he opened his eyes again and joined her in looking out at the endless horizon. If she truly was being called, being beckoned away from this world and into the next, he only hoped that wherever she was going would be full of moments as beautiful as this.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
It wasn't until the sun was setting that Vaughn finally got Sydney back inside. The wind had become stronger and he could feel her shivering against him, but she was still reluctant to go. When he felt her tense in his arms, though, and looked down to see her eyes tightly shut, he knew it was time to get her inside. He instantly recognized the signs of a building headache. He mentally scolded himself for letting her stay outside for too long.
"Come on, Syd. Let's get you inside," he urged softly.
"Okay," she paused, eyes still shut. "I just need a minute."
Vaughn could tell that she was waiting for the pain to subside slightly, but he also knew that the sooner he got her back inside and into bed, the better. He easily scooped her into his arms and stood. He ignored her quiet, mumbled protests and began walking toward the stairs. With the weight she'd lost since being in isolation, carrying her up the stairs was hardly a task. When he reached the door, though, he realized his dilemma of not having enough arms to hold Sydney and get the door open. Sydney, of course, noticed this immediately.
"Vaughn, I'm okay," she told him softly, opening her eyes. "It's mostly passed. You can let me down." He looked down at her, questioning her with his eyes before finally relenting. He set her down carefully, his hand remaining on her back momentarily should she fall. She seemed steady on her feet, though, and he moved to slide open the door. He let her enter first, following closely behind and shutting the door behind him. They noticed Weiss standing in the kitchen, heating something up in the microwave. He looked up at them as soon as he heard them enter.
"Hey guys. How was the beach?" He asked.
Vaughn looked down at Sydney, who remained silent. "It's good to be back," he replied simply. Weiss obviously noticed the strange tone of Vaughn's voice and nodded, giving his friend a look that said he would want an explanation later. Vaughn ignored him and looked back at Sydney. He put his hand on her shoulder, causing her to meet his eyes.
"You should lay down for a while," Vaughn suggested softly. To his surprise, she didn't argue, but gave him a simple nod instead. "Do you want morphine or medication?"
"Just a pill. It's really not that bad," she replied. "Anyway, that doctor's coming soon, right?"
"Oh, I forgot to tell you. The agency called while you were still outside. The doctor's rescheduled to tomorrow morning," Weiss cut in suddenly.
"Oh, okay. Still, I think the medication will be enough," she insisted. Vaughn nodded and walked over to the small dining area. On the table sat a small leather bag. Vaughn unzipped it and rooted through it for a few seconds before pulling out the bottle of pills. He opened it and poured a pill into his hand before resealing the bottle. He handed it to Sydney and headed into the kitchen area, quickly finding a glass and filling it with water. She smiled her thanks when he handed this to her as well and quickly washed the medication down with a few sips of water.
"You okay?" Vaughn asked softly.
"Yeah, you two stay and talk. Wake me before dinnertime, okay?" She requested. He nodded his agreement and moved closer to her, gently kissing her forehead. She offered him a smile once he backed away before turning and heading into the bedroom, shutting the door behind her.
Weiss, of course, wasted no time. "Is she alright?" He asked almost immediately.
Vaughn looked over at his friend sadly. "She's losing her memory. She couldn't remember her middle name," he replied in a deep, soft voice. Weiss's eyes slipped shut briefly before he dropped his head to look at the floor.
"I'm sorry," was all he could manage to say, shaking his head slowly.
"I mean, I don't want to dwell on it until it really has to become an issue. It's pretty minor right now. I guess it just kind of knocked me back into reality. When she woke up this morning and SD-6 was gone, I was almost able to convince myself that we'd be able to live happily ever after now, just like I'd always planned. It just hits me all over again every day. And as long as I've had to deal with it, I still don't know how to deal with the thought of losing her. I still can't face it."
"Just because you've had time to prepare for her death doesn't mean it's going to be any easier when it happens. The loss is the same. But this way, you at least get a chance for some closure. You get a chance to say goodbye. You can fully appreciate the time that you have. But you can only do that if you don't spend every second you have with her thinking about losing her. I honestly don't think there's anything you can do to prepare yourself for something like this, so my advice to you would be to simply make the best of the time you have. Try to take it one day at a time," Weiss advised.
Vaughn looked very seriously at his friend for a long moment before nodding slowly. "You're right," he agreed. "Have you been reading some grief books or something?"
Weiss gave Vaughn a baffled look, pretending to be hurt by the comment. "You have always underestimated me, Michael Vaughn," Weiss insisted.
"Whatever you say, Dr. Phil," Vaughn replied with a smile.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Vaughn woke Sydney at 9:30 the next morning, a half hour before the CIA doctor was to come. She was understandably weakened from the events of the last two days and not quite having what Vaughn would call a good day, but she luckily didn't seem to be in any pain. She slowly got up and changed from her pajamas into a comfortable pair of navy track pants and a light blue T-shirt. Vaughn managed to get her to eat a piece of toast before there was a knock at the door. Vaughn immediately rose from his seat at the table and walked the few feet to open the door. Weiss entered first, greeting both Vaughn and Sydney. He was followed by the doctor, who, to both Vaughn and Sydney's surprise, was a woman. She appeared only slightly older than Sydney, perhaps in her mid to late thirties. She was maybe two or three inches shorter than Sydney, though, and had strawberry blonde hair pulled back neatly into a ponytail. She smiled at them all as she entered.
"This is Dr. Alison Bentz," Weiss introduced as Vaughn closed the door behind the two of them.
"Please, call me Aly," she corrected Weiss, who nodded at her.
"This is Agent Michael Vaughn," Weiss said, gesturing at Vaughn, who still stood by the door. Vaughn shook the doctor's outstretched hand. "And of course, this is Agent Sydney Bristow." Sydney rose from her seat at this, walking over to where the rest of them stood.
"It's nice to meet you, Agent Bristow."
"If I'm going to call you Aly, you may as well call me Sydney," she replied, shaking hands with her new doctor.
"May I ask how you got this assignment, doctor?" Vaughn asked, still not quite comfortable calling her by her first name.
"I'm what you might call a freelance medic for the CIA. I got my medical license before I was recruited to the agency. I mostly travel where they need me and assist various agents, whether it be helping them recover or situations like this. I recently spent the last few months with an agent who had to go into hiding right after having a major surgery. His recovery was recently completed so the CIA took the liberty of assigning me here," she explained to the three agents.
"So you don't normally live in the area?" Sydney asked.
"No, I don't. I have a permanent residence in Virginia for when I'm not on assignment, but the CIA tends to keep me on the move," Aly replied.
"We just came from the airport, actually," Weiss added. "The agency's got her set up two condos down."
"And since I've still got a lot of unpacking to do and I'm sure you want to get this over with, why don't I do a quick check-up on you, Sydney?" Aly suggested.
"Sure," Sydney replied, smiling politely. She walked over to the couch and sat down, followed by Aly who perched on the coffee table in front of her. She set down the small medical bag she'd been carrying and unzipped it.
"Any new symptoms you've been having since your last doctor left?" Aly asked as she removed a stethoscope from her bag. Sydney immediately looked to Vaughn, who looked back at her sadly.
"She had some memory loss yesterday," Vaughn replied for her, understanding that it was a difficult subject for Sydney to discuss.
"I forgot my middle name," Sydney added softly. Aly looked at her for a moment before nodding slowly.
"Were you able to recall it on your own?" She asked. Sydney shook her head somberly.
"Vaughn had to tell me," she replied.
"Well, as meaningless as this probably sounds to you, that is a normal symptom for the type and location of the tumor. I'm afraid it's likely to continue happening," Aly explained sympathetically.
"I know," Sydney said softly. Aly nodded her understanding.
"Okay, then. I just need you to take a few deep breaths for me so I can check your heart and lungs."
"I know the routine," Sydney said, though her voice was devoid of anger or sarcasm.
"Yes, I'm sure you do." Aly placed the stethoscope against Sydney's chest as she took a deep breath. After a shifting the position of the stethoscope several times, Aly let it fall back against her own chest and removed the pieces from her ears. "Heart and lungs sound fine."
Aly proceeded to check Sydney's blood pressure, temperature, eyesight, reflexes, and even did a few short memory tests before she finally closed her medical bag, indicating her conclusion of Sydney's exam. She took out a small pad of paper and wrote a few things down before closing that too and looking up at Sydney.
"Well your memory, reflex, and eyesight tests are all fine. Your blood pressure's pretty low, though. Right now you're borderline hypotensive. I'll get you some medication for that this afternoon. In the meantime, though, I don't want you to overdue it. Try not to spend prolonged amounts of time on your feet, especially if you're feeling dizzy. You're also running a slight fever right now, so I want you to make sure to stay hydrated and take some Tylenol," she instructed.
"Okay," Sydney replied softly.
"Okay, then. Take it easy and I'll be back later with that medication," Aly said as she stood up and grabbed her bag.
"I'll walk you back," Weiss offered. She smiled at him and shook Vaughn's hand again, telling him it was nice to meet him. Vaughn returned both the gesture and the words and actually looked like he genuinely meant it. Weiss opened the door for her, allowing her to exit first, before he followed quickly behind. Once the door was shut, Vaughn turned to look at Sydney, who still sat on the couch. The moment suddenly felt heavy as they realized this would be the last doctor ever assigned to Sydney. That Aly's assignment was to help Sydney proceed as peacefully and painlessly as possible out of this life. The thought was almost too much for either to bear.
It was in that moment, as he looked deeply into her eyes from a few feet away, that he realized this was it. Before, their goal had been to treat Sydney and get her into remission. When they realized that goal was unattainable, the goal was to make sure stay healthy long enough to be able to come back home and to destroy SD-6. Now there was nothing to work toward anymore, no goal to reach for. Now it all boiled down to Sydney's last weeks, last days, last moments. And then he would have to let her go. Looking at her now, just as beautiful as the day he met her, he didn't know how that was possible. How could he accept, as she sat right in front of him now, that she would soon be gone forever?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Two hours later, Vaughn and Sydney relaxed on the couch, watching a movie neither was really paying attention to. Vaughn sat at the far end of the couch, while Sydney was stretched out across is, her head resting on a pillow in his lap. He has insisted that she lay down and had covered her body with an afghan. Now he sat, running his fingers languidly through her hair. She sighed occasionally, causing Vaughn to wish each time that they could simply remain like this forever.
Somewhere toward the end of the movie, Vaughn and Sydney both heard the lock on the door click. Sydney sat up slightly, bracing herself on her elbow. Weiss suddenly peaked his head in, spotted them, and then entered. Sydney observed, though, that he didn't turn and close the door behind him. Instead, he simply smiled at them.
"Miss me?" he asked jokingly.
"So much it hurt," Vaughn replied sarcastically. "Close the door, man, you're letting the wind in."
"Actually, I brought some visitors. I just wanted to make sure you two were decent before I brought them in," he joked. Vaughn rolled his eyes and shook his head, but Sydney didn't react, intrigued to find out who was with him. He turned back to look through the open door and gestured to someone outside as Sydney strained her neck to try to see. Two people entered the apartment, causing Sydney's mouth to drop and her eyes to go wide.
"Oh my God," she whispered, sitting up completely now. "Will! Francie!"
Her two friends stared back at her, equally shocked. Will looked as pale as a ghost and Francie had tears in her eyes. Sydney was on her feet immediately, ignoring the dizziness the action caused. She rushed over to where they were standing and quickly found herself wrapped in Will's arms.
"My God, Syd. It's been so long. I was afraid we'd never see you again," Will whispered into her hair, holding her securely against him.
"I've missed you so much," Sydney managed around the lump in her throat. After a moment, she forced herself to pull away and turn to Francie, who was now smiling through her tears.
"Fran," Sydney whispered before stepping forward to hold her friend. "I'm so sorry I never told you."
"Hey, I've had more than enough time to get over it. I'm just glad you're okay," Francie replied. Sydney stiffened suddenly and could practically see Vaughn wince behind her. Luckily, Francie didn't seem to notice as her grip on Sydney loosened and she pulled away slightly. Sydney took a moment to look at both of her friends, taking everything in. She suddenly noticed Francie's gaze flicker past her. She looked back and realized she was looking at Vaughn. In all of the excitement, Sydney had forgotten that they'd never actually met.
"I'm sorry," she apologized. "Francie, I'd like you to meet Michael Vaughn." Vaughn immediately crossed the room and shook Francie's hand.
"It's nice to finally meet you, Francie," Vaughn told her, smiling.
"Nice to meet you, too," she replied, very obviously catching on to who he was.
"Vaughn was my case officer at the CIA. When I was discovered, he was put in danger as well, s he had to go into hiding took," Sydney explained. Meanwhile, Vaughn had moved to shake Will's hand, both men greeting each other. Sydney took the opportunity to turn to Weiss, smiling at him gratefully.
"The CIA downgraded the security level this morning. While they still want someone here with you under the circumstances, you're allowed to leave the condo now and have visitors whenever you want," Weiss explained to her. Her smile grew.
"Thank you," she said softly.
"You're welcome," he replied.
"Hey, why don't you three sit down and talk? I'm sure you've got a lot to catch up on," Vaughn suggested. Sydney didn't miss his message. He wanted her to sit down, take it easy, and remember what the doctor told her. Shooting him a knowing look, she led Will and Francie over to the couch. They all smiled at each other before quickly launching into conversation.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
An hour later, the three of them still sat on the couch, talking happily. Vaughn now sat at the dining room table, fully aware that Weiss was talking to him, but not quite able to focus on his words. He was much to caught up in watching Sydney laugh. Her smile was so genuinely happy that he swore it lit up the entire room. She and Francie did most of the talking, though Will interjected occasionally, usually to defend himself. Vaughn couldn't help but smile himself at seeing Sydney so happy again. To him, there was nothing more wonderful to watch.
"You know, you could at least pretend to pay attention to me, Mike," Weiss commented suddenly, catching Vaughn's attention.
"What? Oh. Sorry," Vaughn apologized sheepishly. "I just haven't seen her this happy in a while."
Weiss turned and glanced at Sydney briefly. "I figured she could use a little something to make it feel more like home."
"You were right. Thanks."
"I want her to have peace of mind as much as you, you know," Weiss reminded him.
"I know," Vaughn replied seriously, turning back to look at Sydney. Francie had been telling some story for a while now and was just ending it, causing both Francie and Sydney to double over, their bodies shaking with laugher. Will simply smiled and shook his head at the two of them. Vaughn smiled at the sight, but his smile quickly faded when he realized that, while Francie was sitting back up and wiping tears of laughter from her eyes, Sydney was still doubled over and her expression had clearly changed to one of pain. He saw her hand snake around to her back and knew instantly what it meant. He was up in an instant, but not in time to get there before Will noticed.
"Syd, are you okay? What's wrong?" He asked, concerned. The happiness had drained from both his and Francie's face instantly. Sydney shook her head, but couldn't seem to manage any words. Vaughn reached her finally, and knelt down in front of her so that his face was level with hers. He saw her eyes were squeezed tightly shut.
"Hey, Syd, I'm here, it's okay. Just squeeze my hand until it passes a bit and then I'll go get your medication, okay?" He instructed softly, placing his hand against hers. She took it, gripping it tightly. "There you go," he whispered. He reached out and soothingly rubbed her back and waited for her to regain control. It only took about thirty seconds, but seemed like a lot longer. Finally, she loosened her grip on his hand and took a deep breath, opening her eyes. She nodded at him and he knew that he had to get some medication in her and get her into bed before the pain got worse again. He was about to get up, but turned to find Weiss already behind him with a glass of water and a pain pill. He took both from him gratefully and placed the pill into Sydney's hand. He watched her place it in her mouth before giving her the glass of water. After swallowing a few sips, she handed it back to him. He set it down on the coffee table.
"You should probably rest for a little while," he suggested softly. She silently nodded her agreement before finally looking back up at her friends, who looked absolutely stricken. She managed a smile.
"Sorry guys. I get these bad back pains sometimes, they're kind of brutal," she explained. Will and Francie both remained silent. "I'm okay guys, really. I just need to go lie down for a little while. These pills knock me out pretty quickly." Another silence hung in the air.
Finally, Will nodded. "Okay, you should go lay down then. We'll have plenty of time to talk later," he said, though most of the people in the room realized this was a lie. Time was one thing she had precious little of now.
"If you guys don't have anything to do, you should stick around, have dinner with us," she suggested.
"Sure, that'd be great," Francie said, forcing a smile. Sydney nodded. Vaughn wrapped his arm around her waist and helped her up. Once she seemed steady enough on her feet, he slowly let go of her. She smiled at her two friends, a smile that was filled both with a deep sadness and an overwhelming joy at the same time. Will walked up and hugged her quickly, moving away afterward for Francie to do the same.
"I'm so glad you guys are here," she told them as Francie stepped back.
"Us too," Will said. Vaughn then reached down and took Sydney's hand, leading her toward the bedroom and away from her friends. Once inside the darkened room, Vaughn immediately shut the door behind him as he let go of her hand so she could walk over to the bed. She slowly, with very careful moves, climbed onto it and underneath the covers. He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, facing her. He reached out to touch her face as she settled back against the pillows.
"You okay?" He asked softly.
"Yeah, I just wish this didn't always happen at incredibly inconvenient times," she replied, her tone more sarcastic than angry. He smiled at her.
"You'll talk at dinner," he reminded her.
"You'll make sure I don't sleep too long? That they don't get bored to death while I do?" She asked worriedly.
"Of course I will. Don't worry, just get some rest," he assured her. She offered him a small smile before closing her eyes and shifting onto her side, still facing him.
"I love you," he said softly, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
"I love you too," she whispered back without opening her eyes. He remained maybe another minute or two before gently kissing her on the forehead and carefully rising from the bed. He looked at her once, his gaze lingering for a few seconds, before turning to the door. He noticed for the first time that Will was standing outside, looking in through the small window. It wasn't jealousy Vaughn now saw stamped across his face, though. It was sadness. Vaughn sighed and continued toward the door, reaching it and opening it. Will continued to look in at Sydney as Vaughn joined him in the living room. Vaughn looked across the room to see Francie and Weiss sitting on the couch, talking. He turned back to Will before joining him in watching Sydney's sleeping form.
"It's bad, isn't it?" Will asked without taking his eyes from Sydney. "I can see it in your eyes, in hers, in the way she moves, the way she talks."
Vaughn paused. "It's bad," he confirmed in a whisper.
"They never really updated us. We never knew what she was going through. It killed me," Will told him.
"In some ways I envy you for that. There was a lot I almost wish I didn't know," Vaughn admitted.
"Like what?" Will asked. Vaughn started to tell him he didn't want to know, but Will spoke up first. "Please. I just- I need to know."
Vaughn nodded slowly. He understood. If their positions were reversed, he knew he'd want to know as well. "She had to have a tumor in her lung removed pretty early on. She underwent several experimental treatments, spent some time in isolation and the ICU. She caught pneumonia and was pretty sick for a while, but she recovered." Vaughn paused. "I think that's enough," he concluded, seeing the painful expression on Will's face.
"Is she dying?" He asked quietly, obviously afraid to hear the answer. For a second, he envied Will. He recalled a time when he didn't know the answer to that question, when he was able to convince himself that there was still a chance Sydney could live. He'd spent so much time while she was being treated longing for the time when she'd been healthy and his only worry was getting her safely through her missions. Now, he'd give anything even for that time of uncertainty, anything not to have the painful truth he now had. The painful truth he was now about to share with a man who he knew loved this woman as well. Their mutual love for Sydney had once been the one thing that tied them together. Soon, it would be their loss.
"Yes, she is."
To be continued.
A/N: I am sitting in my sauna of a dorm room (who knew LA could get this hot in October? Cause I sure as hell didn't lol) and so incredibly relieved that this chapter is finally finished. I had so much trouble finishing this chapter. Originally it had gone lines and lines past this, but was leading absolutely nowhere so I did some changing around, some editing, and here's what I ended up with. It's not one of my favorite chapters and I know there's not much event-wise in it, but I swear you won't be disappointed with the next one. It's going to be a big one. As always, your reviews are what keep me writing, so please give me some feedback! Thanks guys!
Author: SydGillyKC
Author's Note: Every time I start a new chapter, it baffles me that I've actually made it this far. It amazes me even more that I've been writing this story for more than eight months. So since I don't have anything of much interest to say in this author's note, I just want to thank all of you who actually keep reading this. Your reviews really mean so much to me, they brighten my day. So, once again, I hope you enjoy the chapter. I promise, I really did try to throw some happy things in among the sad. Tissue warning is always in effect, though, just in case!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
She shook her head, cutting him off. She looked back up into his eyes. The intense sadness in them made his breath catch in his throat.
"I'm losing my mind," she said, slower this time, emphasizing each word. Vaughn froze then, realizing there was more to her words than he realized.
"What do you mean?"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 33: The Essence of Home
Sydney wiped a falling tear from her face and looked again to the water. "I was just sitting here, thinking, and I suddenly realized... Vaughn, I couldn't remember my middle name. My own middle name," she told him, her voice pained and frustrated.
Vaughn didn't have time to brace himself for the wave of emotion that washed suddenly over him. Biting his lip, he looked down at their joined hands as he turned his and lacked his fingers through hers. "Ann," he said softly. She looked at him immediately, causing him to look up as well too meet her eyes. "Your middle name is Ann."
"Ann," she repeated in a whisper, closing her eyes.
"The doctor said memory loss was typical," Vaughn reminded her, though he knew his words were hollow.
"That doesn't make it any easier to feel your memories slipping through your fingers," she commented somewhat angrily.
"No, it doesn't," he agreed.
She looked at him again, tears in her eyes. "What if I keep losing them, Vaughn? Who am I without my memories?"
"You're still you, Syd. You're still the same person, the same woman I fell in love with that night at the pier. Losing your memories doesn't mean losing who you are. The experiences in those memories have already shaped you, even if you can't remember them. *I'll* remember them for both of us," he assured her, squeezing her hand.
"Promise me something?" She requested softly.
"Of course," he replied.
"Promise me that when I'm too sick to communicate, to remember, that you'll remind me, that you'll tell me about us, about Weiss, even about SD-6. Promise me that you won't let me forget completely."
He nodded slowly. "I promise." He paused. "Come on, we should get you back inside. It's going to start getting cold soon."
"Can we just stay here for a while? Please. I just want to sit for a while longer," she requested. Vaughn normally would've insisted, but he knew things were different now. All he could do to help her anymore was to try to give her what she wanted, to make her happy. Nothing he did now could ever make her better.
"Sure, we'll sit here for a bit," he acquiesced. She smiled her gratitude as he slipped his arm around her back. She easily rested her head on his shoulder and allowed herself to relax against him. He rested his cheek against the crown of her head and closed his eyes briefly, willing the dark thoughts out of his head. Concentrating on the breeze against his face, the sound of the water, and the feel of her soft hair against his face, he allowed himself simply to feel. After a few moments, he opened his eyes again and joined her in looking out at the endless horizon. If she truly was being called, being beckoned away from this world and into the next, he only hoped that wherever she was going would be full of moments as beautiful as this.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
It wasn't until the sun was setting that Vaughn finally got Sydney back inside. The wind had become stronger and he could feel her shivering against him, but she was still reluctant to go. When he felt her tense in his arms, though, and looked down to see her eyes tightly shut, he knew it was time to get her inside. He instantly recognized the signs of a building headache. He mentally scolded himself for letting her stay outside for too long.
"Come on, Syd. Let's get you inside," he urged softly.
"Okay," she paused, eyes still shut. "I just need a minute."
Vaughn could tell that she was waiting for the pain to subside slightly, but he also knew that the sooner he got her back inside and into bed, the better. He easily scooped her into his arms and stood. He ignored her quiet, mumbled protests and began walking toward the stairs. With the weight she'd lost since being in isolation, carrying her up the stairs was hardly a task. When he reached the door, though, he realized his dilemma of not having enough arms to hold Sydney and get the door open. Sydney, of course, noticed this immediately.
"Vaughn, I'm okay," she told him softly, opening her eyes. "It's mostly passed. You can let me down." He looked down at her, questioning her with his eyes before finally relenting. He set her down carefully, his hand remaining on her back momentarily should she fall. She seemed steady on her feet, though, and he moved to slide open the door. He let her enter first, following closely behind and shutting the door behind him. They noticed Weiss standing in the kitchen, heating something up in the microwave. He looked up at them as soon as he heard them enter.
"Hey guys. How was the beach?" He asked.
Vaughn looked down at Sydney, who remained silent. "It's good to be back," he replied simply. Weiss obviously noticed the strange tone of Vaughn's voice and nodded, giving his friend a look that said he would want an explanation later. Vaughn ignored him and looked back at Sydney. He put his hand on her shoulder, causing her to meet his eyes.
"You should lay down for a while," Vaughn suggested softly. To his surprise, she didn't argue, but gave him a simple nod instead. "Do you want morphine or medication?"
"Just a pill. It's really not that bad," she replied. "Anyway, that doctor's coming soon, right?"
"Oh, I forgot to tell you. The agency called while you were still outside. The doctor's rescheduled to tomorrow morning," Weiss cut in suddenly.
"Oh, okay. Still, I think the medication will be enough," she insisted. Vaughn nodded and walked over to the small dining area. On the table sat a small leather bag. Vaughn unzipped it and rooted through it for a few seconds before pulling out the bottle of pills. He opened it and poured a pill into his hand before resealing the bottle. He handed it to Sydney and headed into the kitchen area, quickly finding a glass and filling it with water. She smiled her thanks when he handed this to her as well and quickly washed the medication down with a few sips of water.
"You okay?" Vaughn asked softly.
"Yeah, you two stay and talk. Wake me before dinnertime, okay?" She requested. He nodded his agreement and moved closer to her, gently kissing her forehead. She offered him a smile once he backed away before turning and heading into the bedroom, shutting the door behind her.
Weiss, of course, wasted no time. "Is she alright?" He asked almost immediately.
Vaughn looked over at his friend sadly. "She's losing her memory. She couldn't remember her middle name," he replied in a deep, soft voice. Weiss's eyes slipped shut briefly before he dropped his head to look at the floor.
"I'm sorry," was all he could manage to say, shaking his head slowly.
"I mean, I don't want to dwell on it until it really has to become an issue. It's pretty minor right now. I guess it just kind of knocked me back into reality. When she woke up this morning and SD-6 was gone, I was almost able to convince myself that we'd be able to live happily ever after now, just like I'd always planned. It just hits me all over again every day. And as long as I've had to deal with it, I still don't know how to deal with the thought of losing her. I still can't face it."
"Just because you've had time to prepare for her death doesn't mean it's going to be any easier when it happens. The loss is the same. But this way, you at least get a chance for some closure. You get a chance to say goodbye. You can fully appreciate the time that you have. But you can only do that if you don't spend every second you have with her thinking about losing her. I honestly don't think there's anything you can do to prepare yourself for something like this, so my advice to you would be to simply make the best of the time you have. Try to take it one day at a time," Weiss advised.
Vaughn looked very seriously at his friend for a long moment before nodding slowly. "You're right," he agreed. "Have you been reading some grief books or something?"
Weiss gave Vaughn a baffled look, pretending to be hurt by the comment. "You have always underestimated me, Michael Vaughn," Weiss insisted.
"Whatever you say, Dr. Phil," Vaughn replied with a smile.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Vaughn woke Sydney at 9:30 the next morning, a half hour before the CIA doctor was to come. She was understandably weakened from the events of the last two days and not quite having what Vaughn would call a good day, but she luckily didn't seem to be in any pain. She slowly got up and changed from her pajamas into a comfortable pair of navy track pants and a light blue T-shirt. Vaughn managed to get her to eat a piece of toast before there was a knock at the door. Vaughn immediately rose from his seat at the table and walked the few feet to open the door. Weiss entered first, greeting both Vaughn and Sydney. He was followed by the doctor, who, to both Vaughn and Sydney's surprise, was a woman. She appeared only slightly older than Sydney, perhaps in her mid to late thirties. She was maybe two or three inches shorter than Sydney, though, and had strawberry blonde hair pulled back neatly into a ponytail. She smiled at them all as she entered.
"This is Dr. Alison Bentz," Weiss introduced as Vaughn closed the door behind the two of them.
"Please, call me Aly," she corrected Weiss, who nodded at her.
"This is Agent Michael Vaughn," Weiss said, gesturing at Vaughn, who still stood by the door. Vaughn shook the doctor's outstretched hand. "And of course, this is Agent Sydney Bristow." Sydney rose from her seat at this, walking over to where the rest of them stood.
"It's nice to meet you, Agent Bristow."
"If I'm going to call you Aly, you may as well call me Sydney," she replied, shaking hands with her new doctor.
"May I ask how you got this assignment, doctor?" Vaughn asked, still not quite comfortable calling her by her first name.
"I'm what you might call a freelance medic for the CIA. I got my medical license before I was recruited to the agency. I mostly travel where they need me and assist various agents, whether it be helping them recover or situations like this. I recently spent the last few months with an agent who had to go into hiding right after having a major surgery. His recovery was recently completed so the CIA took the liberty of assigning me here," she explained to the three agents.
"So you don't normally live in the area?" Sydney asked.
"No, I don't. I have a permanent residence in Virginia for when I'm not on assignment, but the CIA tends to keep me on the move," Aly replied.
"We just came from the airport, actually," Weiss added. "The agency's got her set up two condos down."
"And since I've still got a lot of unpacking to do and I'm sure you want to get this over with, why don't I do a quick check-up on you, Sydney?" Aly suggested.
"Sure," Sydney replied, smiling politely. She walked over to the couch and sat down, followed by Aly who perched on the coffee table in front of her. She set down the small medical bag she'd been carrying and unzipped it.
"Any new symptoms you've been having since your last doctor left?" Aly asked as she removed a stethoscope from her bag. Sydney immediately looked to Vaughn, who looked back at her sadly.
"She had some memory loss yesterday," Vaughn replied for her, understanding that it was a difficult subject for Sydney to discuss.
"I forgot my middle name," Sydney added softly. Aly looked at her for a moment before nodding slowly.
"Were you able to recall it on your own?" She asked. Sydney shook her head somberly.
"Vaughn had to tell me," she replied.
"Well, as meaningless as this probably sounds to you, that is a normal symptom for the type and location of the tumor. I'm afraid it's likely to continue happening," Aly explained sympathetically.
"I know," Sydney said softly. Aly nodded her understanding.
"Okay, then. I just need you to take a few deep breaths for me so I can check your heart and lungs."
"I know the routine," Sydney said, though her voice was devoid of anger or sarcasm.
"Yes, I'm sure you do." Aly placed the stethoscope against Sydney's chest as she took a deep breath. After a shifting the position of the stethoscope several times, Aly let it fall back against her own chest and removed the pieces from her ears. "Heart and lungs sound fine."
Aly proceeded to check Sydney's blood pressure, temperature, eyesight, reflexes, and even did a few short memory tests before she finally closed her medical bag, indicating her conclusion of Sydney's exam. She took out a small pad of paper and wrote a few things down before closing that too and looking up at Sydney.
"Well your memory, reflex, and eyesight tests are all fine. Your blood pressure's pretty low, though. Right now you're borderline hypotensive. I'll get you some medication for that this afternoon. In the meantime, though, I don't want you to overdue it. Try not to spend prolonged amounts of time on your feet, especially if you're feeling dizzy. You're also running a slight fever right now, so I want you to make sure to stay hydrated and take some Tylenol," she instructed.
"Okay," Sydney replied softly.
"Okay, then. Take it easy and I'll be back later with that medication," Aly said as she stood up and grabbed her bag.
"I'll walk you back," Weiss offered. She smiled at him and shook Vaughn's hand again, telling him it was nice to meet him. Vaughn returned both the gesture and the words and actually looked like he genuinely meant it. Weiss opened the door for her, allowing her to exit first, before he followed quickly behind. Once the door was shut, Vaughn turned to look at Sydney, who still sat on the couch. The moment suddenly felt heavy as they realized this would be the last doctor ever assigned to Sydney. That Aly's assignment was to help Sydney proceed as peacefully and painlessly as possible out of this life. The thought was almost too much for either to bear.
It was in that moment, as he looked deeply into her eyes from a few feet away, that he realized this was it. Before, their goal had been to treat Sydney and get her into remission. When they realized that goal was unattainable, the goal was to make sure stay healthy long enough to be able to come back home and to destroy SD-6. Now there was nothing to work toward anymore, no goal to reach for. Now it all boiled down to Sydney's last weeks, last days, last moments. And then he would have to let her go. Looking at her now, just as beautiful as the day he met her, he didn't know how that was possible. How could he accept, as she sat right in front of him now, that she would soon be gone forever?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Two hours later, Vaughn and Sydney relaxed on the couch, watching a movie neither was really paying attention to. Vaughn sat at the far end of the couch, while Sydney was stretched out across is, her head resting on a pillow in his lap. He has insisted that she lay down and had covered her body with an afghan. Now he sat, running his fingers languidly through her hair. She sighed occasionally, causing Vaughn to wish each time that they could simply remain like this forever.
Somewhere toward the end of the movie, Vaughn and Sydney both heard the lock on the door click. Sydney sat up slightly, bracing herself on her elbow. Weiss suddenly peaked his head in, spotted them, and then entered. Sydney observed, though, that he didn't turn and close the door behind him. Instead, he simply smiled at them.
"Miss me?" he asked jokingly.
"So much it hurt," Vaughn replied sarcastically. "Close the door, man, you're letting the wind in."
"Actually, I brought some visitors. I just wanted to make sure you two were decent before I brought them in," he joked. Vaughn rolled his eyes and shook his head, but Sydney didn't react, intrigued to find out who was with him. He turned back to look through the open door and gestured to someone outside as Sydney strained her neck to try to see. Two people entered the apartment, causing Sydney's mouth to drop and her eyes to go wide.
"Oh my God," she whispered, sitting up completely now. "Will! Francie!"
Her two friends stared back at her, equally shocked. Will looked as pale as a ghost and Francie had tears in her eyes. Sydney was on her feet immediately, ignoring the dizziness the action caused. She rushed over to where they were standing and quickly found herself wrapped in Will's arms.
"My God, Syd. It's been so long. I was afraid we'd never see you again," Will whispered into her hair, holding her securely against him.
"I've missed you so much," Sydney managed around the lump in her throat. After a moment, she forced herself to pull away and turn to Francie, who was now smiling through her tears.
"Fran," Sydney whispered before stepping forward to hold her friend. "I'm so sorry I never told you."
"Hey, I've had more than enough time to get over it. I'm just glad you're okay," Francie replied. Sydney stiffened suddenly and could practically see Vaughn wince behind her. Luckily, Francie didn't seem to notice as her grip on Sydney loosened and she pulled away slightly. Sydney took a moment to look at both of her friends, taking everything in. She suddenly noticed Francie's gaze flicker past her. She looked back and realized she was looking at Vaughn. In all of the excitement, Sydney had forgotten that they'd never actually met.
"I'm sorry," she apologized. "Francie, I'd like you to meet Michael Vaughn." Vaughn immediately crossed the room and shook Francie's hand.
"It's nice to finally meet you, Francie," Vaughn told her, smiling.
"Nice to meet you, too," she replied, very obviously catching on to who he was.
"Vaughn was my case officer at the CIA. When I was discovered, he was put in danger as well, s he had to go into hiding took," Sydney explained. Meanwhile, Vaughn had moved to shake Will's hand, both men greeting each other. Sydney took the opportunity to turn to Weiss, smiling at him gratefully.
"The CIA downgraded the security level this morning. While they still want someone here with you under the circumstances, you're allowed to leave the condo now and have visitors whenever you want," Weiss explained to her. Her smile grew.
"Thank you," she said softly.
"You're welcome," he replied.
"Hey, why don't you three sit down and talk? I'm sure you've got a lot to catch up on," Vaughn suggested. Sydney didn't miss his message. He wanted her to sit down, take it easy, and remember what the doctor told her. Shooting him a knowing look, she led Will and Francie over to the couch. They all smiled at each other before quickly launching into conversation.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
An hour later, the three of them still sat on the couch, talking happily. Vaughn now sat at the dining room table, fully aware that Weiss was talking to him, but not quite able to focus on his words. He was much to caught up in watching Sydney laugh. Her smile was so genuinely happy that he swore it lit up the entire room. She and Francie did most of the talking, though Will interjected occasionally, usually to defend himself. Vaughn couldn't help but smile himself at seeing Sydney so happy again. To him, there was nothing more wonderful to watch.
"You know, you could at least pretend to pay attention to me, Mike," Weiss commented suddenly, catching Vaughn's attention.
"What? Oh. Sorry," Vaughn apologized sheepishly. "I just haven't seen her this happy in a while."
Weiss turned and glanced at Sydney briefly. "I figured she could use a little something to make it feel more like home."
"You were right. Thanks."
"I want her to have peace of mind as much as you, you know," Weiss reminded him.
"I know," Vaughn replied seriously, turning back to look at Sydney. Francie had been telling some story for a while now and was just ending it, causing both Francie and Sydney to double over, their bodies shaking with laugher. Will simply smiled and shook his head at the two of them. Vaughn smiled at the sight, but his smile quickly faded when he realized that, while Francie was sitting back up and wiping tears of laughter from her eyes, Sydney was still doubled over and her expression had clearly changed to one of pain. He saw her hand snake around to her back and knew instantly what it meant. He was up in an instant, but not in time to get there before Will noticed.
"Syd, are you okay? What's wrong?" He asked, concerned. The happiness had drained from both his and Francie's face instantly. Sydney shook her head, but couldn't seem to manage any words. Vaughn reached her finally, and knelt down in front of her so that his face was level with hers. He saw her eyes were squeezed tightly shut.
"Hey, Syd, I'm here, it's okay. Just squeeze my hand until it passes a bit and then I'll go get your medication, okay?" He instructed softly, placing his hand against hers. She took it, gripping it tightly. "There you go," he whispered. He reached out and soothingly rubbed her back and waited for her to regain control. It only took about thirty seconds, but seemed like a lot longer. Finally, she loosened her grip on his hand and took a deep breath, opening her eyes. She nodded at him and he knew that he had to get some medication in her and get her into bed before the pain got worse again. He was about to get up, but turned to find Weiss already behind him with a glass of water and a pain pill. He took both from him gratefully and placed the pill into Sydney's hand. He watched her place it in her mouth before giving her the glass of water. After swallowing a few sips, she handed it back to him. He set it down on the coffee table.
"You should probably rest for a little while," he suggested softly. She silently nodded her agreement before finally looking back up at her friends, who looked absolutely stricken. She managed a smile.
"Sorry guys. I get these bad back pains sometimes, they're kind of brutal," she explained. Will and Francie both remained silent. "I'm okay guys, really. I just need to go lie down for a little while. These pills knock me out pretty quickly." Another silence hung in the air.
Finally, Will nodded. "Okay, you should go lay down then. We'll have plenty of time to talk later," he said, though most of the people in the room realized this was a lie. Time was one thing she had precious little of now.
"If you guys don't have anything to do, you should stick around, have dinner with us," she suggested.
"Sure, that'd be great," Francie said, forcing a smile. Sydney nodded. Vaughn wrapped his arm around her waist and helped her up. Once she seemed steady enough on her feet, he slowly let go of her. She smiled at her two friends, a smile that was filled both with a deep sadness and an overwhelming joy at the same time. Will walked up and hugged her quickly, moving away afterward for Francie to do the same.
"I'm so glad you guys are here," she told them as Francie stepped back.
"Us too," Will said. Vaughn then reached down and took Sydney's hand, leading her toward the bedroom and away from her friends. Once inside the darkened room, Vaughn immediately shut the door behind him as he let go of her hand so she could walk over to the bed. She slowly, with very careful moves, climbed onto it and underneath the covers. He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, facing her. He reached out to touch her face as she settled back against the pillows.
"You okay?" He asked softly.
"Yeah, I just wish this didn't always happen at incredibly inconvenient times," she replied, her tone more sarcastic than angry. He smiled at her.
"You'll talk at dinner," he reminded her.
"You'll make sure I don't sleep too long? That they don't get bored to death while I do?" She asked worriedly.
"Of course I will. Don't worry, just get some rest," he assured her. She offered him a small smile before closing her eyes and shifting onto her side, still facing him.
"I love you," he said softly, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
"I love you too," she whispered back without opening her eyes. He remained maybe another minute or two before gently kissing her on the forehead and carefully rising from the bed. He looked at her once, his gaze lingering for a few seconds, before turning to the door. He noticed for the first time that Will was standing outside, looking in through the small window. It wasn't jealousy Vaughn now saw stamped across his face, though. It was sadness. Vaughn sighed and continued toward the door, reaching it and opening it. Will continued to look in at Sydney as Vaughn joined him in the living room. Vaughn looked across the room to see Francie and Weiss sitting on the couch, talking. He turned back to Will before joining him in watching Sydney's sleeping form.
"It's bad, isn't it?" Will asked without taking his eyes from Sydney. "I can see it in your eyes, in hers, in the way she moves, the way she talks."
Vaughn paused. "It's bad," he confirmed in a whisper.
"They never really updated us. We never knew what she was going through. It killed me," Will told him.
"In some ways I envy you for that. There was a lot I almost wish I didn't know," Vaughn admitted.
"Like what?" Will asked. Vaughn started to tell him he didn't want to know, but Will spoke up first. "Please. I just- I need to know."
Vaughn nodded slowly. He understood. If their positions were reversed, he knew he'd want to know as well. "She had to have a tumor in her lung removed pretty early on. She underwent several experimental treatments, spent some time in isolation and the ICU. She caught pneumonia and was pretty sick for a while, but she recovered." Vaughn paused. "I think that's enough," he concluded, seeing the painful expression on Will's face.
"Is she dying?" He asked quietly, obviously afraid to hear the answer. For a second, he envied Will. He recalled a time when he didn't know the answer to that question, when he was able to convince himself that there was still a chance Sydney could live. He'd spent so much time while she was being treated longing for the time when she'd been healthy and his only worry was getting her safely through her missions. Now, he'd give anything even for that time of uncertainty, anything not to have the painful truth he now had. The painful truth he was now about to share with a man who he knew loved this woman as well. Their mutual love for Sydney had once been the one thing that tied them together. Soon, it would be their loss.
"Yes, she is."
To be continued.
A/N: I am sitting in my sauna of a dorm room (who knew LA could get this hot in October? Cause I sure as hell didn't lol) and so incredibly relieved that this chapter is finally finished. I had so much trouble finishing this chapter. Originally it had gone lines and lines past this, but was leading absolutely nowhere so I did some changing around, some editing, and here's what I ended up with. It's not one of my favorite chapters and I know there's not much event-wise in it, but I swear you won't be disappointed with the next one. It's going to be a big one. As always, your reviews are what keep me writing, so please give me some feedback! Thanks guys!