Title: This Tear
Author: SydGillyKC
Author's Note: I'm sorry for the long wait. If you read my post, you know that my computer broke and had to be sent out for repair. I still don't have it back and I was in such desperate need for a computer to do papers and homework that I had to rent one, which I'm typing on now. I've been trying to write bits and pieces of the chapter in a notebook, and thankfully I have most of this weekend free so I can finally get it posted. It's just been very hectic with the computer problems, huge paper I had due this week, being sick, and going to Jimmy Kimmel to see Michael. And yes, I did get to meet him again and that was awesome. I even got a hug (. As usual, anyone who wants to read the story can do so at my livejournal (URL posted at bottom of chapter). And for those of you who talked to me earlier, I didn't get to go to Leno because I was too sick. I got a standby ticket and everything but when the time rolled around for me to leave, I just couldn't force myself to get out of bed. It was sad, but there'll be a next time (. Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Now, he'd give anything even for that time of uncertainty, anything not to have the painful truth he now had. The painful truth he was now about to share with a man who he knew loved this woman as well. Their mutual love for Sydney had once been the one thing that tied them together. Soon, it would be their loss.
"Yes, she is."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 34: Beautiful Moments
Vaughn felt a raindrop fall onto his forehead and automatically looked up at the sky. It was gray, but still bright enough to make him squint. The rain was light, but its presence was incredibly fitting. Vaughn looked around at the people gathered with him. There were faces he recognized, but many he didn't. The world seemed so quiet that morning. There were no birds in the sky, no cars passing on the street, no wind to rustle the trees.
He heard the words but they didn't register. It was more of a dull voice in the background than anything else. He knew he should listen, that it would be the respectful thing to do, but he couldn't stop thinking about Sydney. He thought about the first time they met, the first time her hand touched his, the first time he held her, the first time they kissed, everything. But his memories weren't enough now. They never would be. They would always be a reminder of what he could've had. Of what he'd lost.
He tuned back in when he heard the mention of his name. He saw everyone looking over at him and realized that it was his turn to speak. He got up slowly and walked forward a few feet, careful not to look to his right. He knew he'd break down if he did and he owed her more than that. He held a rose in his hand, its beauty standing out in the bleak atmosphere, almost as if to tease him. To remind him that beauty was something he may never know again.
*I should have brought her flowers more often* he thought to himself. *I should have made sure to remind her every day of how special she was*.
"Sydney Bristow was the most amazing person I've ever known," he began softly. His eyes involuntarily wandered to the side then. All he saw was black. The rose from her father already lay on top. A rose which would forever lay on top of the coffin that now encased her. A rose which would die and lay with her forever. The tears he'd fought so hard now rose to his eyes.
Sydney was gone.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Vaughn startled awake, bolting upright. His heart was pounding and his breathing was still heavy. He could feel the beads of sweat on his brow. He looked around the darkened room, feeling incredibly disoriented. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his arm, bringing him back to reality and grounding him. He turned instantly to the source of comfort and saw Sydney. She was sitting up now, looking at him worriedly. Her eyes were still glossy from sleep and her hair was slightly tousled, but Vaughn swore he'd never seen a more beautiful sight. Breathing her name, he quickly leaned over and crushed her against his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around her. She returned his embrace, running her hands soothingly over his back.
"You okay?" she asked softly. He nodded against her. "What happened?"
Vaughn swallowed around the lump in his throat and struggled to find his voice. "You were gone," he whispered in a tone similar to that of a frightened child. "I'd lost you."
"Shh, it's okay. I'm here. You haven't lost me," she assured him.
"But I will," he said, pulling away suddenly. "I will lose you and that nightmare will be a reality."
Sydney looked at him, knowing that there was no point in arguing. They both knew what Vaughn had said was true. They were way past the point of pretending. "Yes, Vaughn, you are going to lose me in the physical sense and I honestly don't know how to make that less painful for you, but you will never lose me completely. If you really believe in what your mother told you that day when she brought you to that park, then you know that. I'm leaving you with a monumental task, Vaughn. You have to live for the both of us. You have to go on to accomplish the things that I never could."
"I don't know how," Vaughn admitted, his voice cracking. "I don't know how to live my life without you in it."
"I know," Sydney said softly, nodding and reaching out to cover his hand with hers. "But you will. You'll find a way."
He reached out to touch her face as a single tear fell unhindered down his cheek. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me."
Sydney couldn't help the tears that filled her eyes. Before she could respond, though, Vaughn was off the bed and heading into the bathroom. She heard him opening drawers and heard the faucet running for a few seconds before he re-entered the room holding a glass of water and a bottle of Tylenol. He climbed back onto the bed and handed her the glass of water. She gave him a questioning look.
"Your fever feels a little worse," he explained as he twisted open the cap of the bottle and poured out two pills. He handed them to her and watched her take them before taking the water glass from her and setting it on the nightstand. "You feeling okay?" He asked, suddenly feeling guilty for waking her in the middle of what he knew was a much-needed rest.
"I'm fine, Vaughn. For a minute I thought you actually might go five minutes without worrying," she replied sarcastically.
Vaughn wished he could tell her that he worried so much because he knew that their time together was limited, because all too soon, he would never be able to worry about her again. He wished he could tell her how much he longed not to have a reason to worry about her. How much he wished that she could just be a high school English teacher in a small town somewhere where he knew she would come safely home to him every day. Part of him longed to tell her these things, but he knew he never could. It would only remind them of what they no longer had the possibility of having someday.
"You know it's what I do best," he said, forcing a smile. Sydney saw through him, of course, but she smiled back anyway, glad he was able to make a joke of it. It seemed like every minute they spent together now was filled with heaviness, with a pressure to make it meaningful, to make it count. Sometimes an attempt, no matter how feeble, to lighten the mood was exactly what they both needed.
"Let's go to bed."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Watching someone die must be the hardest thing a person could ever go through, Vaughn thought to himself the next morning. Nothing in the world could be more difficult than watching the person you love fade away right before your eyes. To watch their body shut down on them when their spirit is still so alive and bright. To watch someone, once capable of incapacitating men three times her size, now struggle with tasks as simple as walking. No, nothing could be more difficult than watching Sydney Bristow die.
On the other hand, as difficult as it was right now, there were moments that they'd shared that were more beautiful than anything he'd ever experienced. She'd seemed to gain some sort of clarity with the knowledge of her impending death. While Vaughn knew she still cried occasionally, most of the time she simply seemed at peace. And as much as he hated it, Vaughn knew that it had been her illness that allowed them to finally be together. It was her condition now that forced them to throw fear and caution to the wind, knowing there was simply no time for either.
Try as he might, though, Vaughn could find no trace of beauty in watching Sydney awake this morning to find she now only had limited use of her left leg. Walking had already been difficult at times due to her lack of strength, but would now be nearly impossible for her on her own. Vaughn knew it wouldn't be that discovery he would remember about that day, though. It had been that discovery that had partially caused one of those both painful and beautiful moments he knew would stay with him for years to come.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Vaughn supported her left side as he helped her into the bathroom. Once she was supported against the sink, Vaughn backed away slightly to give her some room. Sydney braced herself with one hand on the smooth wood. She reached out with the other hand to turn on the sink, but stopped abruptly when she looked up at the mirror. She was simply fascinated by what she saw. She gazed somewhat painfully at herself, then at Vaughn directly behind her. The contrast was nearly overwhelming. His golden skin tone made her paleness stand out more than usual. Her tired eyes made his green ones look even brighter. His muscular form dwarfed her extremely thin frame. He was the picture of heath, of life. Next to him, she looked like a ghost. Sydney felt as if she could already see herself fading away.
Vaughn didn't need to ask, he saw the emotions in her eyes as clear as if she'd spoken her thoughts aloud. He remembered a time when her strength and form was an envy to more people than he could count. He remembered catching many men giving her a second, even third glance as she walked by. He remembered many women, even other agents, looking at her with an obvious sense of admiration. Her spirit and personality still accomplished that. And while there was no doubt that she was still beautiful and would remain so until the moment she took her final breath, it was apparent that her body had waged a great battle against itself and was losing, shutting down day by day.
"I'm sorry," he whispered painfully, not knowing what else to say.
She gave him a sad smile. "Don't be," she replied. "Nothing makes me happier than seeing you healthy." He walked up behind her then and wrapped his arms around her, burying his face into her neck. She leaned back against him and closed her eyes. Though the holes in her memory were undeniable now, she knew that it would be impossible to forget moments like this. Their embrace was interrupted too soon, though, when they heard Weiss calling Vaughn's name. Vaughn groaned and rolled his eyes. Sydney couldn't help but laugh. Vaughn gave in finally and backed away from Sydney.
"Give me a minute! I'll be right out!" He called back. "Do you need me to stay or are you okay?" He asked her.
"I'm okay, but can you wait and help me back?" She asked tentatively, obviously not used to the idea of asking for help.
"Of course," he replied, moving to the door. "I'll be right out here." He stepped through the door, closing it behind him. He waited a few minutes, listening carefully to make sure he didn't hear her fall, before he heard her call out that it was okay for him to come back in. She was leaning against the sink again, her head down. He walked up behind her and placed a hand on her back.
"You okay?" He asked softly. She looked up, making eye contact in the mirror.
"Just a little dizzy," she replied.
"That's your low blood pressure. Come on, let's get you back in bed," he urged, taking her arm and draping it around his neck. He wrapped his arm around her waist and felt her relinquish some of her weight onto him. He helped her slowly back to the bed and lifted her onto it before she could object. He watched her settle in before draping the blankets over her once again.
"Can you hand me my journal?" She requested once she was settled. He reached over to the nightstand, opening the first drawer. He grabbed her journal and pulled it out, handing it to her. He then handed her the pen from the top of the nightstand. "Thanks," she said, opening the small, leather-bound book.
"I'm going to go see what Eric wants," he told her.
She nodded. "Okay." He leaned down and kissed her gently, his lips lingering on hers for a few seconds before backing away. She smiled up at him, reaching up to run her fingers over the side of his face.
"Love you," she whispered.
"Love you too," he replied as her hand dropped back to her side. He quickly kissed her on the forehead before rising from the bed and leaving the room.
In the living room, Vaughn quickly spotted Weiss sitting on the couch. What surprised Vaughn was that he wasn't alone.
"Agent Dixon," Vaughn said, surprised. Weiss and Dixon both rose from the couch and turned to Vaughn. Vaughn walked over and shook Dixon's hand, incredibly grateful to him for helping to give Sydney her final wish. "It's good to see you again."
"You too," Dixon replied.
"He just finished with debrief this morning," Weiss told Vaughn.
"I wanted to come see how she was doing," Dixon said, his expression darkening suddenly. "I've spoken with Jack. He didn't get specific, but he told me that she's stopped treatment." He paused. "I know she's dying."
Weiss and Vaughn were both silent for a moment, not quite sure what to say. Every time that horrible truth was stated, it was as if everything stopped. As if the world were pausing to recognize the end of an extraordinary life. And the three men who loved that life so much could do nothing but join in.
"How is she?" Dixon asked, finally breaking the silence.
Vaughn sighed. "Weak, feverish, exhausted, but she's being treated for pain and...well... she's still Sydney," Vaughn replied slowly. "You should know that seeing SD-6 go down was very important to her. Thank you for everything you did."
"I was just doing my job," Dixon said dismissively.
"No- you weren't," Vaughn countered.
"Can I see her?"
"Of course," Vaughn replied. "She should be awake. I'm sure she'll be glad to see you."
Dixon nodded at him before heading over to the door of the bedroom. He glanced through the small window and saw Sydney on the bed, facing the door. She was laying on her side, knees drawn up and bent under the blanket, and writing in her journal. Dixon took a deep breath, bracing himself for what he knew would be a difficult conversation. Finally, he forced himself to turn the knob and enter the room. Sydney looked up at him immediately and he managed to close the door without breaking eye contact.
"Dixon," she said softly as she closed her journal and capped her pen.
"Hey Syd," he greeted, smiling, as he walked over to the bed.
She managed to push herself up so that she was sitting up slightly by the time he reached her and sat on the edge of the bed. "How are you?" She asked.
"I'm okay, but that's a question I really should be asking you," Dixon replied.
"I think that's a question we both already know the answer to," Sydney guessed.
Dixon sighed. "Physically, yes," he admitted. "Mentally and emotionally, no." Sydney nodded her understanding.
"I'm okay. Really. I've had a lot of time to face it and learn to accept it. Now that I've seen SD-6 go down, I don't feel like I'm leaving anything undone," she explained. "I can never thank you enough for helping the CIA when I couldn't. Someday you'll have to tell your kids the hero you really are."
"You're the hero, Syd. I just helped out for a little while," Dixon argued. Sydney smiled at him sadly. She reached out and took his hand. Looking at this man, her partner, served to remind her that there would still be people like him fighting against the evils of the world. Dixon would still be there to fight the next Sloane or the next SD-6. She knew, as far as all the future missions and assignments went, she had nothing to worry about. She was leaving them in good hands.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
While Dixon talked to Sydney, Weiss had decided it would be a good time to go out and pick up a few things he claimed he needed. Vaughn had turned on the TV after Weiss had left in hopes of finding something interesting. As usual, though, nothing he tried to watch could keep his attention. His eyes kept wandering to the closed door, wondering how Sydney was. A knock at the door finally shook him from his thoughts and he got up to answer it. A glance through the peephole revealed that Aly was standing outside, an umbrella over her head to shield her from the rain.
Vaughn opened the door and quickly ushered her inside. She smiled her thanks and closed her umbrella, setting it just inside the door. Vaughn closed the door behind her and turned to her, offering to take her coat. She gave it to him and thanked him as he put it on one of the hooks next to the door.
"I came by to check on Sydney," Aly told him. Vaughn nodded.
"Well, she's talking with her former SD-6 partner right now. I'm not sure how long they'll be, but I can't imagine it'll take too long. I can give you a call when they're done if you want, or you can hang out here," Vaughn offered politely.
"Well no point getting soaked all over again," Aly replied, smiling. "Anyway, you look like you could use some company. What are you watching?"
"Um, I wish I could tell you. I wasn't really paying much attention," Vaughn replied.
"I figured. It's hard not to get caught up in all those dark thoughts when there aren't any real distractions," Aly said knowingly.
"Did you minor in psychology or something?" Vaughn asked.
"God, no," Aly said with a chuckle. "I just know the look on your face all too well."
Vaughn wasn't quite sure what she meant, but figured he should at least offer her a seat before he pressed for details. "Why don't we sit?" He suggested, walking over to the table. She followed, taking a seat across from him. "So how long have you been with the agency?" Vaughn asked.
"Let's see, it must be about ten years now," Aly replied.
"So you've had a lot of experience with this type of thing?" Vaughn guessed.
"To be honest, not really. Most of the agents I help are recovering. This isn't really a common situation." Vaughn looked at her questioningly. "You're wondering why I seem to know a lot about it, aren't you?" Aly asked.
"Yeah, I am," Vaughn replied.
"I met my husband at the agency five years ago. He was a field agent and I was working with a CIA-run hospital at the time. Three years after we were married, he was shot while on assignment. When they brought him into the hospital, he was in a coma state. He remained that way for three months until he finally let go. He never regained consciousness," Aly explained sadly.
"I'm sorry."
"I know what you're going through, Agent Vaughn. I know that it feels like your world is going to come crashing down on you when she dies. I know it feels like there's nothing else to live for. I also know that it's possible to keep going afterward. I'm proof of that. I spent six months grieving, struggling to find the strength to not just lay down and die. I nearly quit the CIA, nearly quit medicine altogether. Thankfully, I had some supportive friends who convinced me not to. Finally, I pulled myself back together and decided to get away. I moved to Virginia, but still felt too stationary. It seemed that being on the move kept me from allowing myself to drown in my sorrows. So I requested a change in assignment from the agency and I've been doing this ever since."
"You said you struggled for the strength to keep going. How did you find it?" Vaughn asked, his voice soft.
Aly smiled sadly. "I thought of Colin. I thought about what he'd say if he saw how low I'd let myself sink. I thought about how much he'd hate seeing me like that. And I knew he'd want me to pick myself up and move on with my life. Part of me felt like I owed it to him in a way," Aly replied.
Vaughn suddenly remembered Sydney's words from the night before. * I'm leaving you with a monumental task, Vaughn. You have to live for the both of us. You have to go on to accomplish the things that I never could.* Sitting in front of him was someone who'd actually been through this and come out on the other side. Vaughn found it oddly comforting. Though it was reassuring to hear Sydney tell him that he could make it, the truth was that she'd never gone through what he was about to. Though losing her husband had obviously affected Aly and done a number on her life, she was here. He hoped that in two years, he would be able to say the same for himself.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
It was another half-hour before Dixon left and Aly got in to see Sydney. Weiss was back by that time and he and Vaughn sat at the table, talking. Aly had been in with Sydney about ten minutes when there was another knock at the door. Vaughn looked at Weiss, but he only shrugged. Vaughn got up and went to the door, looking through the peephole. Vaughn saw Jack standing there, looking as if he didn't even notice that he was standing in the rain without an umbrella. Vaughn immediately opened the door.
"Jack, come in," he said, stepping aside so the older man could enter. Vaughn shut the door behind him.
"How's everything going at ops?" Weiss asked, standing up.
"I'll fill you in later. Right now I need to talk to Sydney. Is she awake?" Jack asked. There was a sense of urgency in his voice that made a shiver run down Vaughn's spine.
"She's awake, but Aly's in there checking on her right now," Vaughn replied.
"That's fine, she might as well hear this too. I suppose all of you should," Jack said, half to himself. Weiss gave Vaughn a questioning look, both men obviously confused by Jack's odd behavior.
"Jack, what's going on?" Vaughn asked.
"They've found something. I think it's best that Dr. Bentz finish her check- up later. This is something you should hear from me. Right now."
To be continued.
A/N: Yeah, I know it's a cliffhanger, but I just had to do it. It was the perfect place to end. As I said, this chapter is very important. Obviously, you don't know why yet, but as of the next chapter, you will. And I should get my computer back this week and not have to use this crappy rental one, so I'll get started on it soon. I set a deadline for myself of November 22, which is when I go home for Thanksgiving. So if all goes as planned, you'll definitely see it before then. And if I really get lucky, you'll see by next week. I hope you liked the chapter, even though there was a pretty long delay. Please review! You know it's what I live for lol. Thanks!
Livejournal: www.livejournal.com/users/imetgillya
Author: SydGillyKC
Author's Note: I'm sorry for the long wait. If you read my post, you know that my computer broke and had to be sent out for repair. I still don't have it back and I was in such desperate need for a computer to do papers and homework that I had to rent one, which I'm typing on now. I've been trying to write bits and pieces of the chapter in a notebook, and thankfully I have most of this weekend free so I can finally get it posted. It's just been very hectic with the computer problems, huge paper I had due this week, being sick, and going to Jimmy Kimmel to see Michael. And yes, I did get to meet him again and that was awesome. I even got a hug (. As usual, anyone who wants to read the story can do so at my livejournal (URL posted at bottom of chapter). And for those of you who talked to me earlier, I didn't get to go to Leno because I was too sick. I got a standby ticket and everything but when the time rolled around for me to leave, I just couldn't force myself to get out of bed. It was sad, but there'll be a next time (. Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter!
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Now, he'd give anything even for that time of uncertainty, anything not to have the painful truth he now had. The painful truth he was now about to share with a man who he knew loved this woman as well. Their mutual love for Sydney had once been the one thing that tied them together. Soon, it would be their loss.
"Yes, she is."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 34: Beautiful Moments
Vaughn felt a raindrop fall onto his forehead and automatically looked up at the sky. It was gray, but still bright enough to make him squint. The rain was light, but its presence was incredibly fitting. Vaughn looked around at the people gathered with him. There were faces he recognized, but many he didn't. The world seemed so quiet that morning. There were no birds in the sky, no cars passing on the street, no wind to rustle the trees.
He heard the words but they didn't register. It was more of a dull voice in the background than anything else. He knew he should listen, that it would be the respectful thing to do, but he couldn't stop thinking about Sydney. He thought about the first time they met, the first time her hand touched his, the first time he held her, the first time they kissed, everything. But his memories weren't enough now. They never would be. They would always be a reminder of what he could've had. Of what he'd lost.
He tuned back in when he heard the mention of his name. He saw everyone looking over at him and realized that it was his turn to speak. He got up slowly and walked forward a few feet, careful not to look to his right. He knew he'd break down if he did and he owed her more than that. He held a rose in his hand, its beauty standing out in the bleak atmosphere, almost as if to tease him. To remind him that beauty was something he may never know again.
*I should have brought her flowers more often* he thought to himself. *I should have made sure to remind her every day of how special she was*.
"Sydney Bristow was the most amazing person I've ever known," he began softly. His eyes involuntarily wandered to the side then. All he saw was black. The rose from her father already lay on top. A rose which would forever lay on top of the coffin that now encased her. A rose which would die and lay with her forever. The tears he'd fought so hard now rose to his eyes.
Sydney was gone.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Vaughn startled awake, bolting upright. His heart was pounding and his breathing was still heavy. He could feel the beads of sweat on his brow. He looked around the darkened room, feeling incredibly disoriented. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his arm, bringing him back to reality and grounding him. He turned instantly to the source of comfort and saw Sydney. She was sitting up now, looking at him worriedly. Her eyes were still glossy from sleep and her hair was slightly tousled, but Vaughn swore he'd never seen a more beautiful sight. Breathing her name, he quickly leaned over and crushed her against his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around her. She returned his embrace, running her hands soothingly over his back.
"You okay?" she asked softly. He nodded against her. "What happened?"
Vaughn swallowed around the lump in his throat and struggled to find his voice. "You were gone," he whispered in a tone similar to that of a frightened child. "I'd lost you."
"Shh, it's okay. I'm here. You haven't lost me," she assured him.
"But I will," he said, pulling away suddenly. "I will lose you and that nightmare will be a reality."
Sydney looked at him, knowing that there was no point in arguing. They both knew what Vaughn had said was true. They were way past the point of pretending. "Yes, Vaughn, you are going to lose me in the physical sense and I honestly don't know how to make that less painful for you, but you will never lose me completely. If you really believe in what your mother told you that day when she brought you to that park, then you know that. I'm leaving you with a monumental task, Vaughn. You have to live for the both of us. You have to go on to accomplish the things that I never could."
"I don't know how," Vaughn admitted, his voice cracking. "I don't know how to live my life without you in it."
"I know," Sydney said softly, nodding and reaching out to cover his hand with hers. "But you will. You'll find a way."
He reached out to touch her face as a single tear fell unhindered down his cheek. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me."
Sydney couldn't help the tears that filled her eyes. Before she could respond, though, Vaughn was off the bed and heading into the bathroom. She heard him opening drawers and heard the faucet running for a few seconds before he re-entered the room holding a glass of water and a bottle of Tylenol. He climbed back onto the bed and handed her the glass of water. She gave him a questioning look.
"Your fever feels a little worse," he explained as he twisted open the cap of the bottle and poured out two pills. He handed them to her and watched her take them before taking the water glass from her and setting it on the nightstand. "You feeling okay?" He asked, suddenly feeling guilty for waking her in the middle of what he knew was a much-needed rest.
"I'm fine, Vaughn. For a minute I thought you actually might go five minutes without worrying," she replied sarcastically.
Vaughn wished he could tell her that he worried so much because he knew that their time together was limited, because all too soon, he would never be able to worry about her again. He wished he could tell her how much he longed not to have a reason to worry about her. How much he wished that she could just be a high school English teacher in a small town somewhere where he knew she would come safely home to him every day. Part of him longed to tell her these things, but he knew he never could. It would only remind them of what they no longer had the possibility of having someday.
"You know it's what I do best," he said, forcing a smile. Sydney saw through him, of course, but she smiled back anyway, glad he was able to make a joke of it. It seemed like every minute they spent together now was filled with heaviness, with a pressure to make it meaningful, to make it count. Sometimes an attempt, no matter how feeble, to lighten the mood was exactly what they both needed.
"Let's go to bed."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Watching someone die must be the hardest thing a person could ever go through, Vaughn thought to himself the next morning. Nothing in the world could be more difficult than watching the person you love fade away right before your eyes. To watch their body shut down on them when their spirit is still so alive and bright. To watch someone, once capable of incapacitating men three times her size, now struggle with tasks as simple as walking. No, nothing could be more difficult than watching Sydney Bristow die.
On the other hand, as difficult as it was right now, there were moments that they'd shared that were more beautiful than anything he'd ever experienced. She'd seemed to gain some sort of clarity with the knowledge of her impending death. While Vaughn knew she still cried occasionally, most of the time she simply seemed at peace. And as much as he hated it, Vaughn knew that it had been her illness that allowed them to finally be together. It was her condition now that forced them to throw fear and caution to the wind, knowing there was simply no time for either.
Try as he might, though, Vaughn could find no trace of beauty in watching Sydney awake this morning to find she now only had limited use of her left leg. Walking had already been difficult at times due to her lack of strength, but would now be nearly impossible for her on her own. Vaughn knew it wouldn't be that discovery he would remember about that day, though. It had been that discovery that had partially caused one of those both painful and beautiful moments he knew would stay with him for years to come.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Vaughn supported her left side as he helped her into the bathroom. Once she was supported against the sink, Vaughn backed away slightly to give her some room. Sydney braced herself with one hand on the smooth wood. She reached out with the other hand to turn on the sink, but stopped abruptly when she looked up at the mirror. She was simply fascinated by what she saw. She gazed somewhat painfully at herself, then at Vaughn directly behind her. The contrast was nearly overwhelming. His golden skin tone made her paleness stand out more than usual. Her tired eyes made his green ones look even brighter. His muscular form dwarfed her extremely thin frame. He was the picture of heath, of life. Next to him, she looked like a ghost. Sydney felt as if she could already see herself fading away.
Vaughn didn't need to ask, he saw the emotions in her eyes as clear as if she'd spoken her thoughts aloud. He remembered a time when her strength and form was an envy to more people than he could count. He remembered catching many men giving her a second, even third glance as she walked by. He remembered many women, even other agents, looking at her with an obvious sense of admiration. Her spirit and personality still accomplished that. And while there was no doubt that she was still beautiful and would remain so until the moment she took her final breath, it was apparent that her body had waged a great battle against itself and was losing, shutting down day by day.
"I'm sorry," he whispered painfully, not knowing what else to say.
She gave him a sad smile. "Don't be," she replied. "Nothing makes me happier than seeing you healthy." He walked up behind her then and wrapped his arms around her, burying his face into her neck. She leaned back against him and closed her eyes. Though the holes in her memory were undeniable now, she knew that it would be impossible to forget moments like this. Their embrace was interrupted too soon, though, when they heard Weiss calling Vaughn's name. Vaughn groaned and rolled his eyes. Sydney couldn't help but laugh. Vaughn gave in finally and backed away from Sydney.
"Give me a minute! I'll be right out!" He called back. "Do you need me to stay or are you okay?" He asked her.
"I'm okay, but can you wait and help me back?" She asked tentatively, obviously not used to the idea of asking for help.
"Of course," he replied, moving to the door. "I'll be right out here." He stepped through the door, closing it behind him. He waited a few minutes, listening carefully to make sure he didn't hear her fall, before he heard her call out that it was okay for him to come back in. She was leaning against the sink again, her head down. He walked up behind her and placed a hand on her back.
"You okay?" He asked softly. She looked up, making eye contact in the mirror.
"Just a little dizzy," she replied.
"That's your low blood pressure. Come on, let's get you back in bed," he urged, taking her arm and draping it around his neck. He wrapped his arm around her waist and felt her relinquish some of her weight onto him. He helped her slowly back to the bed and lifted her onto it before she could object. He watched her settle in before draping the blankets over her once again.
"Can you hand me my journal?" She requested once she was settled. He reached over to the nightstand, opening the first drawer. He grabbed her journal and pulled it out, handing it to her. He then handed her the pen from the top of the nightstand. "Thanks," she said, opening the small, leather-bound book.
"I'm going to go see what Eric wants," he told her.
She nodded. "Okay." He leaned down and kissed her gently, his lips lingering on hers for a few seconds before backing away. She smiled up at him, reaching up to run her fingers over the side of his face.
"Love you," she whispered.
"Love you too," he replied as her hand dropped back to her side. He quickly kissed her on the forehead before rising from the bed and leaving the room.
In the living room, Vaughn quickly spotted Weiss sitting on the couch. What surprised Vaughn was that he wasn't alone.
"Agent Dixon," Vaughn said, surprised. Weiss and Dixon both rose from the couch and turned to Vaughn. Vaughn walked over and shook Dixon's hand, incredibly grateful to him for helping to give Sydney her final wish. "It's good to see you again."
"You too," Dixon replied.
"He just finished with debrief this morning," Weiss told Vaughn.
"I wanted to come see how she was doing," Dixon said, his expression darkening suddenly. "I've spoken with Jack. He didn't get specific, but he told me that she's stopped treatment." He paused. "I know she's dying."
Weiss and Vaughn were both silent for a moment, not quite sure what to say. Every time that horrible truth was stated, it was as if everything stopped. As if the world were pausing to recognize the end of an extraordinary life. And the three men who loved that life so much could do nothing but join in.
"How is she?" Dixon asked, finally breaking the silence.
Vaughn sighed. "Weak, feverish, exhausted, but she's being treated for pain and...well... she's still Sydney," Vaughn replied slowly. "You should know that seeing SD-6 go down was very important to her. Thank you for everything you did."
"I was just doing my job," Dixon said dismissively.
"No- you weren't," Vaughn countered.
"Can I see her?"
"Of course," Vaughn replied. "She should be awake. I'm sure she'll be glad to see you."
Dixon nodded at him before heading over to the door of the bedroom. He glanced through the small window and saw Sydney on the bed, facing the door. She was laying on her side, knees drawn up and bent under the blanket, and writing in her journal. Dixon took a deep breath, bracing himself for what he knew would be a difficult conversation. Finally, he forced himself to turn the knob and enter the room. Sydney looked up at him immediately and he managed to close the door without breaking eye contact.
"Dixon," she said softly as she closed her journal and capped her pen.
"Hey Syd," he greeted, smiling, as he walked over to the bed.
She managed to push herself up so that she was sitting up slightly by the time he reached her and sat on the edge of the bed. "How are you?" She asked.
"I'm okay, but that's a question I really should be asking you," Dixon replied.
"I think that's a question we both already know the answer to," Sydney guessed.
Dixon sighed. "Physically, yes," he admitted. "Mentally and emotionally, no." Sydney nodded her understanding.
"I'm okay. Really. I've had a lot of time to face it and learn to accept it. Now that I've seen SD-6 go down, I don't feel like I'm leaving anything undone," she explained. "I can never thank you enough for helping the CIA when I couldn't. Someday you'll have to tell your kids the hero you really are."
"You're the hero, Syd. I just helped out for a little while," Dixon argued. Sydney smiled at him sadly. She reached out and took his hand. Looking at this man, her partner, served to remind her that there would still be people like him fighting against the evils of the world. Dixon would still be there to fight the next Sloane or the next SD-6. She knew, as far as all the future missions and assignments went, she had nothing to worry about. She was leaving them in good hands.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
While Dixon talked to Sydney, Weiss had decided it would be a good time to go out and pick up a few things he claimed he needed. Vaughn had turned on the TV after Weiss had left in hopes of finding something interesting. As usual, though, nothing he tried to watch could keep his attention. His eyes kept wandering to the closed door, wondering how Sydney was. A knock at the door finally shook him from his thoughts and he got up to answer it. A glance through the peephole revealed that Aly was standing outside, an umbrella over her head to shield her from the rain.
Vaughn opened the door and quickly ushered her inside. She smiled her thanks and closed her umbrella, setting it just inside the door. Vaughn closed the door behind her and turned to her, offering to take her coat. She gave it to him and thanked him as he put it on one of the hooks next to the door.
"I came by to check on Sydney," Aly told him. Vaughn nodded.
"Well, she's talking with her former SD-6 partner right now. I'm not sure how long they'll be, but I can't imagine it'll take too long. I can give you a call when they're done if you want, or you can hang out here," Vaughn offered politely.
"Well no point getting soaked all over again," Aly replied, smiling. "Anyway, you look like you could use some company. What are you watching?"
"Um, I wish I could tell you. I wasn't really paying much attention," Vaughn replied.
"I figured. It's hard not to get caught up in all those dark thoughts when there aren't any real distractions," Aly said knowingly.
"Did you minor in psychology or something?" Vaughn asked.
"God, no," Aly said with a chuckle. "I just know the look on your face all too well."
Vaughn wasn't quite sure what she meant, but figured he should at least offer her a seat before he pressed for details. "Why don't we sit?" He suggested, walking over to the table. She followed, taking a seat across from him. "So how long have you been with the agency?" Vaughn asked.
"Let's see, it must be about ten years now," Aly replied.
"So you've had a lot of experience with this type of thing?" Vaughn guessed.
"To be honest, not really. Most of the agents I help are recovering. This isn't really a common situation." Vaughn looked at her questioningly. "You're wondering why I seem to know a lot about it, aren't you?" Aly asked.
"Yeah, I am," Vaughn replied.
"I met my husband at the agency five years ago. He was a field agent and I was working with a CIA-run hospital at the time. Three years after we were married, he was shot while on assignment. When they brought him into the hospital, he was in a coma state. He remained that way for three months until he finally let go. He never regained consciousness," Aly explained sadly.
"I'm sorry."
"I know what you're going through, Agent Vaughn. I know that it feels like your world is going to come crashing down on you when she dies. I know it feels like there's nothing else to live for. I also know that it's possible to keep going afterward. I'm proof of that. I spent six months grieving, struggling to find the strength to not just lay down and die. I nearly quit the CIA, nearly quit medicine altogether. Thankfully, I had some supportive friends who convinced me not to. Finally, I pulled myself back together and decided to get away. I moved to Virginia, but still felt too stationary. It seemed that being on the move kept me from allowing myself to drown in my sorrows. So I requested a change in assignment from the agency and I've been doing this ever since."
"You said you struggled for the strength to keep going. How did you find it?" Vaughn asked, his voice soft.
Aly smiled sadly. "I thought of Colin. I thought about what he'd say if he saw how low I'd let myself sink. I thought about how much he'd hate seeing me like that. And I knew he'd want me to pick myself up and move on with my life. Part of me felt like I owed it to him in a way," Aly replied.
Vaughn suddenly remembered Sydney's words from the night before. * I'm leaving you with a monumental task, Vaughn. You have to live for the both of us. You have to go on to accomplish the things that I never could.* Sitting in front of him was someone who'd actually been through this and come out on the other side. Vaughn found it oddly comforting. Though it was reassuring to hear Sydney tell him that he could make it, the truth was that she'd never gone through what he was about to. Though losing her husband had obviously affected Aly and done a number on her life, she was here. He hoped that in two years, he would be able to say the same for himself.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
It was another half-hour before Dixon left and Aly got in to see Sydney. Weiss was back by that time and he and Vaughn sat at the table, talking. Aly had been in with Sydney about ten minutes when there was another knock at the door. Vaughn looked at Weiss, but he only shrugged. Vaughn got up and went to the door, looking through the peephole. Vaughn saw Jack standing there, looking as if he didn't even notice that he was standing in the rain without an umbrella. Vaughn immediately opened the door.
"Jack, come in," he said, stepping aside so the older man could enter. Vaughn shut the door behind him.
"How's everything going at ops?" Weiss asked, standing up.
"I'll fill you in later. Right now I need to talk to Sydney. Is she awake?" Jack asked. There was a sense of urgency in his voice that made a shiver run down Vaughn's spine.
"She's awake, but Aly's in there checking on her right now," Vaughn replied.
"That's fine, she might as well hear this too. I suppose all of you should," Jack said, half to himself. Weiss gave Vaughn a questioning look, both men obviously confused by Jack's odd behavior.
"Jack, what's going on?" Vaughn asked.
"They've found something. I think it's best that Dr. Bentz finish her check- up later. This is something you should hear from me. Right now."
To be continued.
A/N: Yeah, I know it's a cliffhanger, but I just had to do it. It was the perfect place to end. As I said, this chapter is very important. Obviously, you don't know why yet, but as of the next chapter, you will. And I should get my computer back this week and not have to use this crappy rental one, so I'll get started on it soon. I set a deadline for myself of November 22, which is when I go home for Thanksgiving. So if all goes as planned, you'll definitely see it before then. And if I really get lucky, you'll see by next week. I hope you liked the chapter, even though there was a pretty long delay. Please review! You know it's what I live for lol. Thanks!
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