Disclaimer: Us? Own Saiyuki? Ha. Ha. Ha.
Warning: Mild to severe OOC-ness, shounen-ai, haphazard story, more continuity errors than the Harry Potter series, madness, nonsense humor, utter disregard of the laws of tasteful poetry. May cause non-permanent brain damage.
Author's Notes: Chapter written by Avarice Riot, whose talent in poetry, has, once again, provided us
with an ode….^_^ Hapless-Scribe-For-The-Chapter is, once again, Solarwind Starfire.
Oh, and to all of you who have reviewed: We love you guys.
Enjoy.
*~*~*~*~*~*
"Ah, those violet eyes so akin to the bruises on Goku's face when I beat the crap out of him…"
"Your poetical prowess gets better by the second, Homura."
"Yes, well, I inspired the creation of the word 'flair', you know."
"Here, let me try. *Ahem ahem* – 'Your, presence speaks of a thousand promises, so elegant in its pus and spuffication-'"
"That's poise and sophistication, darling."
"Oh. Right." Sanzo squinted at Homura's copy of Romantic Prose & Poetry For Slow Learners and turned it the right side up. "How about this one- 'Oh, to be a fish struggling within the net of your charms…'"
Not so far away, Zenon cringed. "That has to be worse than anything else I've heard, and that includes Gyumao's serenade to Gyokumen Kousho at their wedding reception."
"If that's poetry, I'll eat my boot," Gojyo agreed miserably.
A visibly distressed Shien sighed in a defeated manner, having tried with Hakkai and Goku – and failing magnificently – to capture Homura and Sanzo's attention. "What do we do now?" he asked resignedly. "Can we please stop them before they – oh, great, they're locking lips again."
Goku sat a few feet away from Gojyo, as motionless as a rock. He stared blankly in front of him as if unable to accept the reality of what was taking place. His eyes, however, held a thoughtful look.
Shien turned to Hakkai, more to block out the disturbing vision of his boss and the monk kissing than anything else. "Any more bright ideas, Mr. One-eyed Demon?" he demanded scathingly. "Maybe one that doesn't involve jumping and yelling like a group of uncivilized barbarians?"
Zenon and Gojyo immediately leapt up and blocked Hakkai from Shien's view. "Say that again," they growled simultaneously. There was a pause. They looked at each other, confused. Hakkai, who felt the same way, nevertheless tried to retain peace.
"Er- this isn't the proper time to fight," he said lamely.
Shien, for some reason, was growing increasingly irritated by Hakkai's pacifist outlook. "I'm going to damn well poke your one good eye out, then we'll see-"
"AAARGH!" Zenon roared. "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT!" He lunged forward and slammed into Shien, intending to pound him into minced meat. Caught by surprise, Gojyo and Hakkai could only stare.
"You - *punch* - little - *punch* - son - *punch* - of - *punch* - a –"
"SANZO!!!"
The sudden cry echoed throughout the clearing. Everybody froze, including Homura and Sanzo. Goku had stood up, his golden eyes a picture of madness and determination combined. Gojyo barely had time to wonder what the monkey was going to do, when Goku, staring daggers at Sanzo, opened his mouth and yelled at the top of his voice:
They're so much better than bullets and guns!
Pork buns, pork buns, gimme some pork buns
Just gimme a plate, I could eat ten dozen!
Pork buns, pork buns, so hot and delicious
They're much better than any other riches!
So leave me alone, as long as I have
My pork buns, pork buns, PORK BUNS!"
If there had been any animals or demons nearby, they surely would have fled upon hearing Goku's incessant screaming. Goku himself stared determinedly at Sanzo, as though daring him for a response. Unfortunately, he received none, as Sanzo and Homura were too busy gaping at him, as were the others. Zenon still had a very lumpy-headed Shien by the shoulders, both of them gawking at Goku. Likewise, Gojyo and Hakkai's vocal cords seemed to have betrayed them.
All was silent for a few moments. Then, as if his heart had been broken multiple times, Goku dropped down to his knees and dissolved into tears.
"See, Sanzo, I can do poetry as well!" he wailed dramatically to his dumbfounded audience. "I didn't even have a book to help me! Why him, Sanzo? Why? All this time you've been taking care of me and… *sob* …buying me pork buns… You've been misleading me!" he said accusingly, pointing a shaking finger at the monk. "I thought you loved me! You just wanted to fatten me up and feed me to some demon, isn't that the truth?! WAAAAH!"
In between Goku's nonsensical babbling, Homura managed to whisper into Sanzo's ear: "What did you think of his poetry?"
"Well, I thought it was quite good, actually," said Sanzo conversationally.
"Days upon days I thought about how handsome you looked in your robes…"
"You read my mind, sweetums. He's right, he didn't even look at a book. That's professional standard, that is."
"…and remember when I bought you the canned peaches; do you think that was @#!*ing easy?! I ran into some demons, and let me tell you…"
"Professional?" Sanzo's eyes widened. "I guess the monkey's smarter than I ever gave him credit for. We should ask him to join us."
"…supertight leather pants and whips… not like you even noticed when I wore them…"
Homura raised his eyebrows, contemplating. On one hand, he would much rather have his beloved monk all to himself. On the other hand, Goku's presence among them could boost his power of rhyme and verse, which in turn could impress Sanzo even more…
"OI!" he yelled at Goku, who was still going on about the time when Sanzo bought him his first pork bun.
Goku stopped, glaring at him with a watery face. "What?"
"Care to join us?" Homura asked casually, waving his chains invitingly. Sanzo nodded encouragingly at Goku.
Shien let out a disbelieving squeak.
***
Kougaiji, Dokugaiji and Yaone trudged along, each looking considerably worse for wear. It seemed that they had been targeted for abuse by almost every living thing in sight that day.
"First we almost get eaten by a bunch of psychotic rabbits, then we run into flying turtles the size of pigs," complained a very bitter Doku, rubbing the side of his head where a turtle had hit it.
"There, there." Kougaiji patted him on the arm although he looked very disgruntled himself. "Day's gotta end sometime." He didn't doubt, of course, that much more could go wrong before it did. The Hiryuus had refused to go further after the flying turtle attack, and tossed the demons off when they protested. Kou would have been grateful for the pack of fleshy plants that broke their fall, if they hadn't turned out to be the flesh-eating kind.
"At least we managed to keep the antidote safe," Yaone added, fingering the bottle in her pocket. "Now, if only we could find-"
A rustling in the bushes beside her made her jump. She stumbled and fell against Kougaiji, who landed on Doku, who lost his balance and brought all three of them to the ground. They stared warily at the moving bushes, expecting a large monster of doom, perhaps-
"Lirin?"
For the spritely young demon had just jumped out. Her eyes brightened when she saw them. "Hello, onii-chan!" she chirped. "Are you all playing Ring-a-Ring-of-Roses?"
Kougaiji got painfully to his feet. "Lirin," he said slowly, trying to control his temper, "where have you been?"
"I beat up a couple of dragons and blew up some mines," Lirin said innocently, flashing a smile at him and bouncing on the balls of her feet.
Murderous silence.
Lirin's smile faltered as she realised that her brother – and Doku and Yaone, who had also gotten to her feet – were staring at her with something like murder in their eyes. She also noticed their bandaged and weary appearance.
"Boy, onii-chan, you don't look too good," she ventured, still in the same innocent tone.
Kougaiji made an indistinct noise at the back of her throat. "Doku, take Lirin back to the castle," he ordered. "She may be more inclined to listen to you than to Yaone."
"But-" Doku looked reluctant. Then he sighed. "All right." He looked over at Lirin and suddenly grinned. "Hey, Dr. Nii got hold of some rabbits. I bet he'd let you play with them if you get back to the castle real quick."
"Rabbits?" Lirin looked positively delighted. "Yay!"
"Doku!" Yaone said sharply. Doku merely waved her disapproving look away has he escorted Lirin back to the castle.
***
"I don't believe this. I don't believe this…" Shien groaned.
"Goku, what are you doing?" Gojyo hissed.
Homura had fastened the other end of the chains on his Sanzo-free hand onto Goku's hand. Then he had whipped out an extra set of chains, fastening one end onto Sanzo's free hand and the other onto Goku's other hand. Now they were all bound to each other, creating a sort of triangle.
Gojyo made to move towards them, but Hakkai held him back. "No," Hakkai said sensibly, "we have to wait until Yaone-san arrives with the antidote."
Gojyo grunted disapprovingly, but grudgingly sat back down on the ground. "Where the hell is that woman anyway?"
"Maybe she bailed out on us and isn't really coming," Zenon offered darkly.
"Yaone-san wouldn't do that," Hakkai said confidently, turning to Zenon. "We just have to be patient.
"Ehm- patient. Right," Zenon agreed. He had straightened up considerably when Hakkai's gaze landed on him. Shien wished inwardly that he could have that effect on Gojyo.
Meanwhile, a very excited Goku was fingering his chains. "Are we playing a game?" he asked. Homura had a distinctly deploring look on his face; Sanzo was grinning wryly.
"No, not a game," he corrected. "You're going to tell us your secret."
"My secret?" Goku sweatdropped. Did Sanzo know that he had eaten more than his fair share of pork buns at dinner yesterday?
"Yes, Goku, the secret of your poetic success."
"My… poetic… success?"
Homura felt slightly disturbed now. Perhaps this hadn't been such a good idea. Sanzo was his. His. Property of Homura Taishi. He even had a hickey on his neck to prove it. An now Goku's presence was somewhat invading… but he's only here to teach me the secrets of prose, Homura reminded himself. Not to get into Konzen's pants. I'll just weasel what I want out of them, then dispose of him. No matter that he's incredibly powerful. My monk is better than a thousand powerful Gokus.
Yes, he thought, a maniacal grin spreading slowly across his face. It's all coming together now-
"Oof!" A boot had collided very heavily with his face; before he could recover from the impact, Homura felt himself being dragged down to the ground by his chains. Through very bleary eyes, he barely managed to make out Sanzo's figure beside him, draped over Goku. His hands were very tightly encased around Goku's neck.
"What do you mean you don't have anything to share?!! Then what the hell were you just spouting?! There must be some technique…"
"I told you," Goku croaked, struggling under Sanzo's chokehold. "I just- it came out of my head… all of a sudden… I was hungry… there were pork buns on my mind…"
Sanzo brought his face down, very close to Goku's. He didn't relax his grip, though. "You @#!*ing liar, you just don't want me and Homura to become better than you! NOW TELL ME-"
But what Goku was to tell him, they never found out, for Goku had lifted his head from the ground. As it was barely inches from Sanzo's, the result was that his lips brushed slightly against the monk's. Caught by surprise, the monk opened his mouth to say something, but before he could speak-
"HOW DARE YOU?!" Homura roared, his veins popping like little volcanoes. "You @#!*ing bastard, that's my property! You little slut machine with a bottomless pit for a stomach!"
With that, he lunged towards Goku. This proved to be disastrous, as Sanzo was dragged along with him. In the end, Homura hovered over Goku like an angry fireball, with Sanzo facing the other way, his back against Homura's rear end and his hands completely tangled in the chains.
"DON'T MESS WITH MY MONK!" Homura was still strangling a very pitiable Goku, the demon turning an odd shade of blue as he was quickly being drained of air.
Gojyo, who was by now almost completely apathetic to the antics being displayed in front of him, blinked unconcernedly. A pile of damp, shredded grass blades sat beside him. Gojyo turned slowly towards Hakkai. "One more, Hakkai," he pronounced very, very calmly although his facial tics were clear for all to see. "I will chew one more blade of grass, and spit it out, and if I don't see a flash of purple hair-" He stopped in mid-sentence, then squinted once more over Hakkai's shoulder. Nah, it couldn't be. I've been eating too much grass…
Yaone and Kougaiji burst into the clearing at that moment. "Hakkai-san! We've got the antidote!" Yaone shouted.
Hakkai nodded, visibly relieved. "That's good, Yaone-san! Now we just need to round them up!" He gestured at the mad trio on front of them. Kougaiji stared at the spectacle, then glanced at Zenon and Shien who shook their heads vigorously. "You don't want to know," Zenon assured him.
"All right, Yaone-san and I have a plan," Hakkai announced. "We need to take advantage of those two while they're distracted. Yaone-san thinks we should try to restrain Homura while she administers the antidote to Sanzo.
"Get real, trying to keep Homura still is like telling a rhinoceros to lay eggs," Zenon countered. "We should know."
"You got a better idea?" Gojyo snarled.
"AAAARGH!" Goku's agitated cry floated across the clearing. Hakkai moved, determined, towards the chained trio. "The sooner we move, the sooner we can get this over with."
That was easier said than done; they felt the rage radiating from Homura even before they could lay their hands on him. Sanzo wouldn't be a problem; his hands were already trapped within the tangled mass of chains. Homura, however…
"I say we punch his lights out," Gojyo offered. Without waiting for a response, he ran forward. "Oi, you anorexic god, get a load of this!" He drove his fist home into Homura's face.
Zenon and Shien gasped. They knew too well how their boss responded to being punched like that, had been witness to too many of them. Without thinking, Shien flung himself on top of Homura. "Sit on him!" he shrieked. "Sit on him, keep him on the ground or he'll erupt!"
Zenon had already jumped to help Shien. Kougaiji, who had already seen too much madness in one day to think strangely of this, merely shrugged and obligingly sat on Homura's shoulderblades. The god let out a furious yell, but his distorted mind and the godforsaken chains prevented him from causing harm.
And from somewhere very far down, a pitiful whimper was barely audible.
"I feel very sorry for the monkey," Gojyo muttered to himself, before joining the fray.
"Mmmf - bloody hell – mmmf - get off -" Homura, of course.
Hakkai and Yaone, meanwhile, were trying to feed Sanzo the antidote. Needless to say, it was no piece of cake.
"What the hell are you doing?" Sanzo demanded, struggling against the chains. "I want my Homura! Homura, are you all right?"
"Don't worry, peach pudding!" Homura's muffled voice assured. "I'll protect you!"
Hakkai looked apologetically at Sanzo. "Sorry, Sanzo, but since you're not cooperating, we'll have to…" He drew his arm back and delivered a swift blow. Sanzo's head snapped back, then sank limply, his chin touching his robes.
***
"Hit him on the head, Shien!" Zenon shouted, trying to dodge Homura's flailing arms. "Remember the reverse effect!"
"Oh, he's going to be so mad at us," Shien moaned. He closed his eyes tightly, and raised his arm-
***
Yaone carefully extracted the bottle of liquid from her pocket. She pulled out the cork and turned to Hakkai. "Ready."
Hakkai carefully held Sanzo's mouth open. Yaone tentatively poured the thick, glutinous liquid down the monk's throat.
"How long until it takes effect?" Hakkai inquired.
"Should be under a few minutes," Yaone replied. She crossed her fingers just in case.
***
"Wow, Shien, I'm impressed. You actually gave him a welt." Zenon sounded beyond awed.
Shien was still horrorstruck, unable to believe what he had just done.
"That's nothing compared to what he's going to do to me later…" he complained glumly.
Kougaiji slid of Homura's limp body, ignoring Goku's wail of "I can't breathe!". "Are we done, Yaone?" he called. Gods know I could use a bath or two…
"Almost, Kougaiji-sama, he should be coming round any time now!" Yaone took a few steps backwards as realisation dawned on her. "Um… Kougaiji-sama… Hakkai-san… everybody… perhaps we should move away, just a little bit…"
Everyone immediately backed up a few feet. Sanzo was already stirring.
"Wha-" Sanzo mumbled sleepily. He felt as though he'd just woken up from a long nap. And what were these bracelets doing on his hands- no, chains. And what was this nice, soft pillow cushioning his head? I don't remember going into an inn-
He turned around and squinted. A black pillow? That was new. A strangely shaped one too. It didn't look like a pillow at all. In fact, it looked like a-
"AAACK!" Sanzo jerked backwards so suddenly that the chains tugged and Homura's body fell flat onto his lap. For some reason, the god had an ugly welt on his face. Why the @#!* am I chained to HOMURA?
Goku's head suddenly emerged from underneath Homura's cloak, gasping like a fish out of water. "Sanzo!" he rasped. "I… heard something about peach pudding… did you save some for me?"
Sanzo stared at him.
"Unhh…" Homura blinked and stared up at Sanzo. They stared at each other for a moment in mutual bewilderment. Then at Goku. Then at the chains binding them. Then at each other again.
"@&$*^*!%$*@#%!?&%*#^!@|&%@&#$!!!"