A/N- No, much to my dismay I still do not own any of the characters in this story except Rory and Gir (you know who we are) or the song "Man I Feel Like A Woman!" by Shania Twain. Oh, and thanks for the reviews! Now, leave me alone, Dom and I are talking about tape. To quote Monty Python (no, I don't own that either): "And now for something completely different..."
EPISODE THREE:
Wars, Explosions, and Maniac Mages.
Remus- Welcome back, everyone! Luckily for Rory, Alanna grew tired of chasing her around and settled on, uh... looks at Rory, who is hanging from the ceiling rafters
Rory- GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!!!
Alanna- In taunting voice Not until you ask nicely!
Rory- Growls Alright! Will you please get me down from here?
Alanna- I don't feel like it now. Ask me later.
Rory- Face turns red with rage GRRAHHHHHHHHR!!!
Remus- Raises eyebrows and inches away from Rory Okee... Um, well, Gir and Dom are still in tape mode; they are now having a heated discussion-
Lily- Actually, it's more like full-out war.
Remus- Right. So they're waging war against each other about whether duct tape is better than electrical tape. Gir is, obviously, on the side of duct tape, judging by her favorite quote. I don't know how Dom even knows what electrical tape is, but he's on that side.
Neal- She told my dear, pathetic cousin about every kind of tape there is. He fell in love with electrical tape for some reason.
Remus- That explains a lot. Oh yeah, since last time, we still have no clue where we are, Raoul knows what muggles are, Legolas and Sam still haven't shown up, and I doubt we'll ever get the game finished, but we'll have to wait till later to find that one out.
James- Can I cut Rory down now?
Alanna- Not yet.
James- Shrugs O.k.
Rory- Glares at everyone
SH- Runs onto stage and, once again, hands Remus a piece of paper
Remus- WHERE ARE WE!!!! No answer Oh, whatever. I give up. Reads paper WHAT?!? SOMEONE ELSE?!? Oh, what the heck. I give up anyway... Hey everybody! Please welcome our NEXT guest: Jack Sparrow!
Jack- Captain! It's Captain, Jack Sparrow.
Remus- Has slightly psychotic look on face Welcome to the show!
Jack sorry Captain Jack- And what exactly is this show?
Remus- I honestly don't know anymore. We have crazy girls hanging from the ceiling, our author is too busy talking about tape to care about anything else, no one will play the game, we've lost two of the contestants, and we STILL don't know where we are! Starts laughing like a maniac and then runs into a wall, knocking himself out
Captain Jack- Looks at Lily Uh, Love, will he be alright?
Lily- Looks at Remus Oh, yeah, he'll be fine, don't worry.
Rory- Will SOMEONE get me down from here?!?
James- Uh, Alanna? Can I get her down now?
Alanna- Fine. But only if she promises to be nice from now on.
Rory- Sigh I promise.
James- Points wand at ropes tying Rory up and they unravel
Rory- Falls to ground Ow...
Remus- Sits on ground talking to himself
Dom- Raoul! Which do you think is better, duct tape or electrical tape?
Raoul- What's tape?
Dom- Oh, never mind.
Raoul- What is it?
Frodo- Hey, where's Gollum?
Gir- Has Dom in a headlock I sent him home.
Frodo- Why?
Gir- He threatened to burn my tape.
Frodo- Nods Oh, o.k.
Sirius- Turns to Jack So Jack, welcome to "Charades: International Edition". Oh, and don't mind Remus over there, he's having a bit of a mental breakdown because he doesn't know what's going on.
All- Look at Remus
Remus- Wrestles with a folding lawn chair
Kel- He should join the club.
Raoul/Merry/Pippin/Neal/Aragorn/Gimli- All nod fervently in agreement
Peter- Sighs Don't feel bad. I don't know what's going on either.
Lily- Hey Jack, why'd'ya call me "Love"?
Jack- Oh, it's nothing personal, Love. I call everyone that.
James- Everyone? Makes scared face That's just not right.
Jack- No, not everyone! Only the lasses! You can't be that thick!
Lily- Oh, don't doubt him.
Remus- Wakes up and saunters over to the little group Hey everyone, guess what! I found out where we are!
Peter- Are you serious?
Remus- Giggles and points at Sirius No, actually he's Sirius. I'm Remus- Points to each person as he says their name and this is James, and Lily and-
Peter- I know who everyone is! Where are we?!?
Remus- I don't know. Why do you ask?
Peter- Slaps forehead
Jack- Mumbles to Lily I thought you said he was o.k.
Lily- Shrugs I was wrong.
Jack- Well, shouldn't we do something?
Lily- No. He'll snap out of it eventually. I think...
Raoul- What's electrical tape?
Kel- I dunno. You're supposed to be the smart one.
Neal- Yeah Sir, what is with you lately?
Raoul- Grumbles Things here are so confusing. Dom: Has come back from war. Pats Raoul's shoulder I know sir, but you have to learn to deal with things that confuse you. I think. I'm confusing myself.
Raoul- Looks at Dom incredulously Why did I ever promote you to bloody sergeant?
Dom- Hey! This place confuses me just as much as you!
Raoul- Skeptically Right.
Merry- Hey Dom, who won the tape war?
Gir- Hobbles over on crutches Take a wild guess, why don't ya!
Raoul- In amazement You broke her leg and her arm?!? Now I know why I promoted you to sergeant!
Neal- Go Dom!
Gir- Growls I would hurt you both if I could move better.
Dom- Ignores Gir Thank you, Meathead! Thank you Raoul!
Gir- Hey, I had him in a pretty good headlock for a while!
Dom- Grins smugly Until I hit her over the head and pushed her down the stairs.
Gir- Mumbles I still think hitting someone with a brick should be an illegal move...
Gimli- How did he win? I didn't think he even knew what this tape nonsense was...
Dom/Gir- Eyes narrow
Dom- "Tape nonsense"? Is that what you called it? And why so skeptical that I could win?
Gir- GET HIM!!!!
Gimli- Runs
Dom- Chases him yelling savagely RRAAAAAHHHHHRRR!!!!
Gir- Trips over crutches as she tries to chase Gimli Ow... Gets up and hobbles after them Wait for me!
Everyone else presently on stage- Watch scene with raised eyebrows and odd expressions on their faces as the three whiz, or in Gir's case limp, around the corner
Gir- Crashes into a stack of boxes in the back of the stage AH, MY ARM!
Peter- Winces and shakes head
Alanna- Hey, where did Rory go?
James- Why do you care?
Alanna- Something is going to happen, I can feel it. Eyes narrow And she's behind it, I know it.
Kel- Alanna, you're paranoid. I mean, really-
(A/N- Suddenly an ear-splitting explosion knocks all the people on the stage over. As they pick themselves up, they see two figures in the clearing smoke. They are Rory and Remus.)
Rory- MOOWHAHAHAHA! Yells to Remus with maniac smile on her face as she points to the others on the stage from their seats in the newly acquired audience seats NOW REMUS! DO IT NOW!!!
Remus- With an equally maniac expression on his face, he draws his wand and yells something strange. Suddenly, the stage is decorated in pink with flowers everywhere
Raoul/Neal/Dom- Walk stiffly onto stage as if against their will
Neal- What's going on? Why's the stage all pretty and pink? What- Suddenly he stops and his head droops
Dom- Meathead? Pokes Neal Hey Neal, are you o- Dom stops next to Neal and his head lolls to one side
Raoul- Guys? Peers quizzically at Dom and Neal. Then he stops and his head falls onto his shoulder
Rory/Remus- Snort in amusement in front row
Rory- Snaps fingers
Raoul/Neal/Dom- Form triangle with Neal and Dom side by side in back and Raoul in front of them. Then the spotlight pans on Raoul
Raoul- Starts singing in an oddly high-pitched voice
I'm going out tonight-I'm feelin' alright
Gonna let it all hang out
Wanna make some noise-really raise my voice
Yeah, I wanna scream and shout
No inhibitions-make no conditions
Get a little outta line
I ain't gonna act politically correct
I only wanna have a good time
Neal/Dom- Start dancing in time with the music and singing in equally odd, high-pitched voices
The best thing about being a woman
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...
Rory/Remus- laugh hysterically in front row
Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady
Men's shirts-short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
Color my hair-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!
Rory- Snaps fingers. Suddenly the three guys are wearing tight, sequiny hot pink belly shirts and hot pink mini-skirts, complete with matching hot pink platform sandals- Lace up hot pink platform sandals
The girls need a break-tonight we're gonna take
The chance to get out on the town
We don't need romance-we only wanna dance
We're gonna let our hair hang down
Remus- Waves his wand. Now the guys have waist-length hair
The best thing about being a woman
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...
Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady
Men's shirts-short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
Color my hair-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!
Rory/Remus- Are now crying because they are laughing so hard
The best thing about being a woman
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...
Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady
Men's shirts-short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
Color my hair-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!
I get totally crazy
Can you feel it
Come, come, come on baby
I feel like a woman
(A/N- At this last line, Raoul jumps into the air and lands lying across Neal and Dom's outstretched arms.)
Rory- Manages to snap fingers as she and Remus roll on the ground laughing
Raoul/Neal/Dom- Suddenly become aware of what they are doing again
Neal/Dom- Drop Raoul onto floor
Raoul- Notices his clothing as he gets up Ahhh!!! What the heck am I wearing!
Neal- Notices his clothing too What the heck happened?!?
Dom- Notices their hair Our hair! It's really long!
Neal- Moaning These clothes don't feel right.
Raoul- Points to Rory and Remus, who have by this time calmed down You did this! Come on guys, let's get 'em!
Remus- Careful. Those clothes aren't the worst we can do. Grins evilly
Raoul/Neal/Dom- Stop walking
Raoul- Grumbles Oh, never mind. Let's just go backstage. He, Neal, and Dom exit stage, stumbling on their platform sandals
Neal- From off stage a crash is heard with Neal's voice following OW!!! MY ANKLE!!!
Raoul/Dom- AHHH!!! Trip over Neal
Rory/Remus- Snicker
Rory- Alanna, Kel, Gir! You're up!
Alanna/Kel/Gir- Walk onto stage
Gir- RORY! Tries to speak calmly What the heck are you doing?!?
Rory- Gestures at herself and Remus YOU drove us crazy!
Remus- And now you must pay!
Rory/Remus- Moowahahaha!!!!!
Alanna- Rory! I'm gonna get you, you little brat! Her hands glow with purple fire You're gonna-
Rory- Snaps fingers
Alanna/Kel/Gir- Heads droop as the background changes to that of a martial arts studio
Rory- Remus, would you like to do the honors?
Remus- Certainly Waves wand
Alanna/Kel/Gir- Are suddenly wearing martial arts robes. They bow to each other, Rory and Remus, and the audience
Alanna- Picks up piece of two-by-four
Kel- Bows to Alanna and with a yell, breaks the wood with her forehead, then bows again
Crew/Newly Acquired Audience (NAA)/Cast excluding Rory and Remus and everyone not currently in control of their actions (CERARAENCICOTA)- Cringe
Alanna- Stands in center of stage and bows, then stands on one foot in "karate pose" HOO-WAH! Starts doing incredibly difficult karate kicks and punches on an invisible foe. Finishes and bows to a cheering audience
Gir- Hobbles onto stage on crutches and tries to bow. She then tries to pick up a cinder block one handed and drops it, creating a large pile of brick remains on the floor. So she shrugs and gets another brick, managing to get it to the stand. And then, much to everyone's amazement, breaks the brick with her forehead. She bows and starts to walk off the stage, but promptly trips over Raoul, Dom, and Neal, who are lying on the ground, all unable to walk because of the platform sandals, which have seemingly bonded permanently with their feet
Crew/NAA/CERARAENCICOTA- Cringe. Again
Rory- Snaps fingers
Alanna/Kel/Gir- Become aware of what they are doing
Kel- Ow...My head... Rubs head where she used it to break the wood
Gir- Trying in vain to reach crutches Can't – reach – crutches. Can't – get – up...
Alanna/Kel- Start to walk towards Rory and Remus
Remus- Raises wand, an evil grin spreading across his face
Rory- Raises hand, ready to snap her fingers, grinning like a maniac
Alanna/Kel- Stop dead in their tracks, eyes wide
Alanna- On second thought... She and Kel run off stage, trip and, of course, land in the pile-up now forming on the edge of the stage entrance
Remus- In a sing-songy voice Oh James, Sirius, and Peter!
James/Sirius/Peter- Walk onto stage, wands out
James- Now Remus, you don't really want to do this, do you?
Remus- Yes.
Sirius- Aw, heck. Clears throat LET'S GET 'EM!!!!
Remus- Sighs and flicks wand
Raoul- From off stage HIT THE DECK!!!
(A/N- The blast made by Remus's spell was so powerful it knocked out Phil the Camera Guy, as well as half the cast and crew, thus making it impossible to continue. So, until next episode, this is the author, signing off!)