hElo! This is LJ4Neal here... again... and as I said, I'm on a writing high here... so even though I only posted the first chapter yesterday... I'm going to post the second chapter today... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review!!! Reviews give me the will power to write more and post more often... Except in the case of When Your Hearts Are At Stake (My other Kel/Neal fic that's by me only)... But i PROMISE that tha next chapter for that will be up very very very soon... OK? well.... here it is, the first proper chapter of 'If Only She Knew' (By the way, thats the title of this cool Michelle Branch song in case you wanted to know) =D... By the way, the whole idea of this is that you don't know what happened before... Since i hate Yuki, i've made it so that Neal never liked her because i don't see how you could when Kel is right there... lol... so yah, but you'll find out about the thing behind yuki laterwards... If people like this, i'm going to write a prequel to this fic from before he left for the Yamani Islands...

Well, TTFN luv you all! Lil Jay

Hmm... people have said this is too fluffy...... meh, the prologue is a bit I admitt.... but i promise it gets better! and theres still fluff, since i'm like the queen of fluff or summat, but not so full on... hahaha....

I never will forget the look upon your face
How you tore away and left without a trace
But I understand that you did what you had to do
And I thank You...

I know you had to go away
I died just a little and I feel that now your
The one I need
I believe that I would cry just a little
Just to have you back now, here with me

Michelle Branch - Here With Me

Kel was hiding behind a tree, her eyes focused intently on the tall, devastatingly handsome young man standing on the edge of the pier. Behind him was a ship, its sails flapping in the wind, as if it couldn't wait for someone to untie the rope that was the only thing keeping it at bay. She looked at his face, grim and yet fierce, defiantly standing his ground and not getting on board, no doubt because his best friend still hadn't said good bye. A tear that had formed in her eye ran down her face, and she could feel her throat beginning to choke up from more tears left unshed.

Why did he have to go? Why did he have to leave her here, heartbroken and cold? She felt as if the blood in her veins had stopped running the moment that he'd told her he was going, like she was about to shrivel up and die. She wanted to run out and say goodbye to him, tell him that she was sorry for avoiding him, tell him that she wasn't mad at him, she really did. In fact, she wanted to so much she had to cling to the tree she was behind, her nails digging into the coarse bark, just to stop herself from obeying what seemed like an invisible force pulling her towards him.

She couldn't face him now, not like this. More tears spilled down her face, the first had set off a chain reaction. She saw Yuki approach the green-eyed figure, and tentatively tell him something, no doubt that it was getting dark and they had to leave. Neal glanced up at the sky, where the sun was setting and then looked at Yuki, finally giving way and turning around, altogether grudgingly, to climb onto the ship.

Kel realized that this was the last time that she might see him for a very long time, and hastily scanned him, memorizing all of his features. She watched one of the sailors as they undid the rope that held the ship in place, letting the waves carry the ship away. She shut her eyes tightly, she couldn't bear seeing him leaving. But as she re-opened them and looked at Neal's woeful face as he stood on the deck, she felt the invisible force give a last defiant tug and somehow make her let go of the tree and run out onto the deck.

"NEAL!" she screamed out, her voice hoarse from the tears. He hadn't heard her so she tried again. "NEAL!!!" she screamed even louder, her lungs feeling as if they were about to burst. It did the trick, as he registered her voice and ran to the rear deck of the boat and looked her in the eye. Tears continued to flow from her eyes. "DONT GO!" She yelled, the pleading in her voice so strong that she didn't even recognize it as her own. "PLEASE!" she shouted, a last effort to make him come back. But it was too late.

"I'M SORRY KEL!" he replied, with only those three words to last her until the next time he saw her. Yet those words were filled with so much sorrow and emotion, it was as if he was saying so many different things at once. She sunk to the ground, by now her tears had run dry. Instead she watched him as he sailed right out of her life.

Kel rolled over in her bed asleep, but at the same time half awake. Her face hit a damp patch in her pillow, the icy coldness jolting her awake. She must have been crying in real life as well as in her dream. Scrunching her face up, she opened one eye a little bit to see how early it was in the day. Nearly dawn, better do some glaive practice, She thought as she reluctantly sat up in bed and stretched out, her toned muscles evident through her night clothes. Lifting her blanket and getting out of bed, she quickly searched the room for a pair of clean breeches.

She strode across the room and pulled them on quickly, the cold, fresh air of the morning raising goose bumps on her skin. She was eager to start practicing, not only to warm her up, but also because she found that glaive practice made her feel more relaxed and let her sort out her thoughts. Reaching for the practice weapon, she began an easy pattern dance and gradually gained in speed, going so fast that she appeared to just be a moving blur. Her brows were furrowed in concentration, left, right, swing up and around, half a crescent moon to the left, cut across...

"Kel, there's-" Merric stopped talking abruptly, Kel's glaive halted in mid air just inches from his throat. Kel, alarmed at the sudden entrance, had stopped swinging the glaive just in time. If she had gone on any longer than a second, Merric would have been injured quite severely. She lowered her glaive and walked over to her weapon rack to put it back.
"Hey Merric. What's gotten you to wake up so early?" Kel asked, since it was just about sunrise, while most of the New Hope residence (aside from herself of course) woke up at the first bell, which was at 7:00.
"A courier from the palace came in just then. The rider has orders from the king for us to return to the palace for the final grand progress ball... Roald and Shinkokami are getting married in a fortnight," he said, before yawning loudly, bags evident under his eyes.
"Well, I guess it was about time anyway..." Kel said, admitting defeat. She supposed it was about time anyway... she looked up at his face, only then realizing that Merric looked like he had gotten no sleep last night at all. She frowned, was something wrong?
"Are you all right? You don't look like you've been sleeping well lately..." she asked. Inside she was feeling guilty as hell. She'd been so distracted lately, failing to notice if anything was up with her friends. What a good friend she was... not.
"No... it's nothing... just can't wait to get back to the palace I guess" he said, refusing to meet her eyes. There's something he's not telling me, Kel thought. She didn't want to push it though. If Merric had something to tell her, he would in his own time.
"Ok, If your sure. But if you ever need someone to talk to, remember that I'm here" Kel told him, to reassure him that he could talk to her. she stood up from the chair she was sitting in and went to her dresser, pulling open the first drawer that contained her clothes. Merric, who had begun to daydream while she had walked over to pack seemed to snap out of his daze and looked at her confused.
"Uh, Kel? What are you doing?" He asked. Watching her, he saw her pull out a pile of breast bands in different colors, his cheeks blushing scarlet. His eyes widened but he quickly looked away.
"I'm packing, silly. The sooner we pack our things, the sooner you can get your eager self back to the palace," She replied, briskly folding the rest of her underwear into little neat piles.
"Oh, right. Yeah, I better start packing as well," Merric said, and as he got out of his seat and walked out the door, Kel tried to tell herself that she was only packing so quickly because Merric wanted to get back to the palace as soon as possible, and most certainly not her.

Isn't this the best part of breaking up?
Finding someone else you can't get enough of?
Someone who wants to be with you to?

It's an itch we know, we are gonna scratch
It's an egg that's gonna take a while to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful?

Liz Phair - Why Can't I?

Neal walked down the corridor, whistling happily to himself. He would see Kel soon, and although his friends might not be able to tell why exactly he was happy, they could tell that his mood had definitely improved over the last few days. Walking through the doors of the main hall, he joined the line where Seaver was already standing.

"Seaver, I see you still look as odd as the last time I saw you" Neal drawled. It was good to see his old friend after such a long time. Over 3 and a half years in fact.
"And I see that the Yamani Islands haven't been able to keep your tongue in check either", he replied dryly. Despite the words, he wore a colossal grin on his face, and patted Neal on the back.
"Well... I wasn't there for very long..." he said, suddenly slightly uncomfortable. Seaver had left to take a post on the Scanran border about 4 months before he left for Yaman. He had only heard that Neal was leaving through well-known information that Shinkokami and Roald had taken the progress to the Yamani Islands, and therefore had not heard about Neal's short-lived stay there.
"What do you mean?" He asked, his ears perked up in curiosity. They collected their food and walked over to an empty table, placing their trays on the bench and sitting down, backs faced to the serving tables. He started eating, waiting expectantly for an answer.
"See, some uhh... things... came up... issues that Yuki and me had to sort out... it kind of cut things short a bit..." He tried to trail off, pretend that the rest was self explanatory, but Seaver was just staring at him as if saying he wasn't budging till he knew the whole story. No such luck.
"Basically the point is that we've-" Neal was cut short by Seaver beaming up at a large figure behind him, who was creating a massive shadow on the wall. No guesses as to who that person was.

"Cleon! How are you doing?" Seaver stood up to greet his giant friend. Neal stayed seated, smiling weakly, although his stomach was lurching inside. Why did Cleon have to come now? Of all the times...
"I'm great! Just came back from handling things from Kennan, Adi's back there looking after the crops now. Can I sit here?" he asked, but not bothering to wait for a reply and sitting next to Merric, directly across from Neal.
"So what's been going on lately? Been busy back at the fief, haven't been able to catch up much," he said, eating the pile of mash potato's on the plate in front of him.
"Oh, Neal was just about to tell me about him and Yuki..." Seaver said casually. Neal glared at him, but Seaver remained oblivious.
"Yeah... Uhh... we've broken up. Just needed a bit of time to ourselves really," Neal said, feebly coming up with some sort of plausible explanation. I mean, it's not like he could say something like 'I realized that the platonic best friend I was in love me but never thought would love me back, does in fact have feelings for me'. He saw Seaver and Cleon exchange glances, meaning that they obviously didn't believe him. Oh well, tough luck. That's all your getting out of me. He quickly stuffed the last of the vegetables onto his spoon in a little mountain and jammed them into his mouth, a habit he had developed over the years with Kel nagging him.
"Well, I've got some things to attend to, so I'll catch up with you all later," Neal excused himself before they could ask him anymore questions, discarding his plate before walking towards his favourite garden where he always thought things through.

He sauntered through the hallway, deep in thought. The sight of Cleon had done many things to him, brought back old memories, past images that haunted him and loomed over him. Damn it! Why did he come back now? Just when he was getting excited of the prospect of Kel. Now he would have nothing but that image of Cleon and Kel, joined at the lips in a passionate embrace, right there in the front of his mind for the rest of the week. Probably even longer, he thought. Mithros save me. The very thing that had driven him into Yuki's arms in the first place. More than 5 years later and he still couldn't face Cleon without feeling the need to punch him in the gut.

Neal went down the last set of pebbled steps which led into his sanctuary and took a seat behind the hedges. Back to his thoughts. Cleon had known! He had known all too well that Neal had had feelings for Keladry of Mindelan. After all, hadn't he sat there time after time, listening to him go on about his feelings for her, his unrequited crush for her? And yet, he had made that move on her, had the guts to start courting her! Sure Kel and Cleon weren't together anymore, but the betrayal would always be there, would always hurt.

He heard rustling in the bushes and he looked around. Was someone here? He stood up, waiting for whoever it was to appear. Footsteps were getting louder, it was male because it was the sound of boots. But instead a girl with Hazelnut eyes and Chestnut brown hair rounded the corner and Neal felt all his internal organs shooting up to his throat.

"Why, hello Meat head. I thought I'd find you here".