NEW AUTHOR NOTE FROM 3rd August: Hey guys! I was really really really bummed about how bad a chapter I'd written, so i decided to re-edit some parts and change a few things to it, even though i'd already posted it... so here is the re-edited wun... the first part is the same, just the second part has been altered slightly with Neal opening the door with magic. =D/ Please read and review! I haven't gotten many reviews for this chapter as the other ones. Thank you!

Hmm, haven't gotten as many reviews as i've wanted to get... I know that i haven't really been updating constantly, but i assure you that this time I really really am back for GOOD... and as long as i keep getting reviews in my inbox, the more writing you guys all get to read!!!! Thank you SO much those that have reviewed, it's you guys that keep me doing this... and yeh, i'd just like to thank you ALL so much because you have no idea how much it means to me... =D... ANYWAYS, one day after the return of LJ4Neal, the NEXT CHAPTER is out!!!! wooHoo! PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!!! I wont post the next chapter till i get at least 15 reviews... I have 44 right now, so when i'm at 53 you all get another chapter as soon as it gets there... sorri to be such a pain, but =D hEy! i girls gotta do what a girls gotta do... and it's not so much to ask is it?

luv yOu all, LJ! (oh, and btw, This is probably going to be a short chapter, one of those stupid in-between ones that we all hate to write...)

Chapter 3 - EDITED!!! Confessions

I'd be, out of line telling you, "Leave Her"

So I lie, lonely surround by you...


Michelle Branch – Hotel Paper

Kel sat lazily the bathtub, unmoving and deep in thought. Her arms were draped lazily over the sides, her fingers just dipping in the water. She'd been sitting there ever since that kiss. That electrifying, life-changing kiss. She never thought that it would be possible to have a single memory that you wanted to forget so much it hurt, yet warmed up at the mere thought of it, wanting to hold on to that one moment for dear life. And here it was, Neal's face, floating into her mind again, for the millionth time. She felt herself groan inwardly. Why couldn't she stop thinking about him? Why couldn't she just wake up in bed to find that the last 10 years were all a dream and that she never liked Neal as more than a friend?

She lifted her fingers from the tub and inspected them with her eyes. They'd become all shriveled from being submerged in water for a prolonged period of time. So maybe her heart wasn't the only thing that felt like shriveling up at least. She closed her eyes, thinking of Neal yet again. She thought about what she would do when she saw Yuki again, how she would act, and especially what she would do if she was pregnant. She'd run off and join a convent most likely, preferably the one farthest away from Nealan of Queenscove and his wife, Yuki. She would live her life as a daughter of the goddess, soul-less, love-less and heart-less. Thinking about a life without Neal, she felt a tear slide down her cheek. She thought that she could handle herself after she'd managed to live life again after Neal had gone. But now that she knew her love wasn't unrequited, now that she had felt his lips on her own, now that she had felt his hands on her... she didn't think that she could handle living-

A pounding at the door interrupted her. From the way that it was loud and continuous, the person at the door had obviously been knocking for some time. Kel looked at the washroom door, thinking about whether or not she should answer. Deciding to let the person think that she wasn't there, she quickly splashed the now cold water from the bathtub on her for a quick rinsing and stood up, grabbing the nearest washcloth. It was green, the same colour as Neal's eyes, so emerald and- NO! She wasn't going to think about him again. At least for a minute. She dried herself off, and wrapped it around her body, tentatively stepping out of the tub and walking towards the door.

Entering the main room, she lightly walked over to the other side, where her wardrobe was located and took out a shirt and a freshly lalasa-sewn pair of breeches, not bothering with a breastband. She was probably just going to stay in her bed, lonely surrounded by the emptiness and longing anyway, since she didn't plan on getting out of the room anytime in the near future. Pulling them on, she continued to ignore the now even louder pounding at the door and walked towards her bed. Kel felt a sense of De Ja Vu as she climbed onto her bed. Last time, it had been a different place. She could still remember the way she had moped around in that so un-kel-like way and been depressed for days at a time, as she attempted to nurse the shattered pieces of her heart back together. This time didn't feel much different.

Suddenly, there was silence, and the loud noises coming from the other side of the door to her room desisted. Kel grimaced, the visitor had finally gotten the idea.

No such luck.

"Kel, open the door. It's me, Neal".

No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows

Yes it shows

No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there, but then I let you go
And now it's only fair that I should let you know
What you should know

Air Supply - Without You

Neal waited patiently in front of Kel's room door. He wasn't sure what she was thinking at the moment, but there was no way he was budging until that door opened and Kel gave him a chance to explain. He knew she was in there, there was no way that someone like Kel would go to a place where other people might possibly encounter her, and pick up on her current vulnerability. He raised his fist again, and knocked on the door, this time tapping lightly.

"Kel. I know that you are there. I'm not moving until you open this door. Please, just hear me out," He said gently, the pleading in his voice so strong, he was practically grovelling. He hoped that she would listen to him, he NEEDED her to listen to him. Maybe before he could have told whether or not she would listen, but right now Kel was being so out of character and so unpredictable, it was hard to tell whether or not things were going to go in his favour.

"Please, let me come in! Let me explain!" He paused. Still nothing.

Neal sighed. Maybe he'd have to take a different approach...

He knelt on the ground and raised his hands in front of the keyhole. Furrowing his eyebrows, he concentrated on his magic, pulling a thread from his pool of magic and shoving it hard into the lock. He heard one part of the lock come undone and tried the knob, but it was still locked. Concentrating harder, this time he pulled a group of threads from his magic and thrust it into the hole. Green coloured magic flowed visibly from his hand into the hole and with a final push, blasted the lock. Smiling broadly, Neal got back on his feet and walked in.

Closing the door behind him, he looked around the room for Kel, spotting her instantly lying in a heap on top of her bed. Yet another anti-Kel action. Neal felt his heart squeeze, he was the one that had done this to her! All those years when she pulled her Yamani face and pretended to be unaffected by everything and stood her ground, and now him alone had managed to change her so much. He walked over to her, and sat on the edge of the bed, staring directly at a blank white spot on the wall.

"I want you to know that we aren't together anymore, Yuki and me. I... I didn't even stay in the Yamani Islands for very long," Neal said, simply. He continued staring at the wall, wringing his hands. There was nothing but silence, followed by sheets rustling. Kel emerged from under her blankets, shock and disbelief still evident in her eyes. He looked back at her and blushed. He couldn't help but notice that her breast band seemed to be absent. Tearing his eyes away from her chest (A/N: Don't even ASK why the hell I have ANY of that breastband-less business there), and gulping, he met her gaze and searched her face for any kind of clue as to what she was thinking.

Sitting there unmoving, they stared into each other's eyes, Neal waiting for her to compose herself, and Kel trying to decide which question she was going to ask first. Kel opened her mouth, and his eyes drifted towards it. They were so full and lush, and so sweet and tender. Why did they have to be like that? Taunting him, torturing him, paraded right in front of his face.

"What do you mean, 'You and Yuki aren't together anymore'? How is that possible? You'd... you'd just gotten married!" She said, the words coming out slowly and carefully at the beginning but giving way to confusion and disbelief towards the end. Neal bit his lip. He had known that this question would be coming, and yet he still had no idea how he was supposed to answer.
"It's... so hard to explain. The truth is... I never really loved Yuki, not like I did you", He said. He gave her a shaky grin.
"You know, I've always loved you. Ever since you were a page. There was this time once, when we were pages and I was so close, so close to kissing you. But you were so young, you couldn't possibly have felt the way I did. The stump would have kicked you out as soon as he found out.," He looked into her eyes, right now, he was baring his soul to her, and he was the most vulnerable right now than he'd ever been in his entire life. Kel gulped, but stayed silent, waiting for him to continue.
"That was what mainly what kept me from going near you. The thought of you not being there anymore," he continued. Her eyes were so wide, and so intense, he felt like he was naked. He looked away, now focusing on the bed.
"and then the fights about your virtue started. Mainly because of me. And why? Because every time I thought about you... you... doing something with someone else, picturing it in my mind... it drove me insane. I couldn't control myself. I knew that you would never do it, but the images still haunted me because I knew that I wanted to... to..." His voice trailed off, by now he was blushing so furiously he wanted to disappear right then and there. He glanced back in her direction. Not meeting her eyes. There was no emotion shown on her face, she was obviously pretending to be a stone again.
"So... I shut up and pretending to like other palace beauties, the kind of people I SHOULD have been lusting after. If not to try and stop myself thinking about you, but so people wouldn't realise. Instead I poured my heart out to Cleon and wrote stupid poetry to you." Kel's eyebrows shot up at the mention of Cleon. Way up.
"I was so close to telling you, when we were squires. That day when I told you that I got asked to be Alanna's squire... the look on your face made me feel like someone was ripping my heart out into little pieces, and the next time I saw you I made a resolution to tell you," Neal's heart was pounding so loudly, he couldn't even hear himself talking anymore. Just his heart pumping in his chest so hard, and his pulse racing.
"but then-" he was interrupted.
"Cleon got there first," Kel finished for him. Neal felt a surge of anger run through him at the mere mention of his name.
"Yeah. And I don't know. I was so angry at him for doing that to me, for going behind my back. Every time I saw either of you I'd just remember seeing you two... together... and... ARGH! I thought I could get over it if there was someone else... and that's where Yuki came in."

"The way she handled her emotions... the way she acted and stood strong. It was the closest to you that I could possibly get. I was going to just let it be nothing but a relationship and a distraction from you... but this one time I saw you and Cleon... doing... stuff. It nearly killed me, it hurt so bad. That was the night I proposed to Yuki," He admitted shamefully. He decided that he'd finish off there.

"Look, I can only imagine what I've put you through, and everything that you've had to deal with Kel. And I'm so sorry, I really really am. If you think I don't deserve you, then I'll understand. But please, don't let it come between us. I don't think that I could get by without you by my side being there for me," Neal said, a finality in his voice, with a hint of pleading. It was practically ripping his whole heart out and shredding it into pieces to make the offer of just being friends. But if that was all that he could get, then he would find a way to bear it.

Neal looked into her face, searching it for any sign of what she was about to say. He could almost see her brain thinking everything through, and deciding which side of her would win out: the part that was angry at him or the part that he hoped still loved him. She sighed, and resigned to her feelings.

"Oh... How could I not forgive you Neal? I've never been able to stay angry at you long, and I guess this isn't an exception!" She said, smiling warmly at him. He felt like he was about to burst with happiness and grinned at her.

"What can I say? I can't help it if the entire female population has a soft spot for me!" he said, with a mock-smug look on his face. Her smile grew wider and she beamed at him. He looked into her eyes once more and leaned over to her, wrapping his arms around her and bringing his mouth to hers.

And this time, she didn't scream at him for it.

ARGH!!!! i just read that and it is so0o0o0o incredibly CRAP!!! Will you all forgive me for writing such... Blergh-ness?!?!?! (sorry, that isn't a proper word but you get the idea)... I'm sorry if this is such a disappointing chapter!!!!!!!! Thankyou for all those that reviewed... no this isn't the end of the story, it's really more just the beginning... evil grin... laughs maniacally.. Was going to put it in earlier, like in this chapter, but then decided... hey! If i'm going to make them all hate me, i may aswell have a moment of being loved first... so hey! I just put in like a double dose of fluff for you all...

Thank you to all those who reviewed! I would write you all a nice little note, but it'd b pretty much all the same with me just going on and on about how much i luv you all and how grateful i am... and i think that we've established that already and you probably don't want to hear me drone on about it newai.. ahha... well, THANKS!!!! please review this, even if its just to tell me that it's sht...

ta ta!!!! LJ4Neal...

PS... chek out the new chapter of my joint fic with Rogue WIldmage, in our joint account, unco vs clueless... byA