A/N - Sorry sorry sorry! I know I haven't updated in a long, long, LOOOONG time. I'm surprised X-Smasher 3 and Erenriel haven't beaten me yet. U.U However, I did need to rewatch the movie, and I always ended up getting distractededed by other things, generally DiTO or Elfwood...yeah. Sorry. At least I'm updating now, right? I do hope you enjoy it.

Oh, and remember, please, that Clyde, my Elvish French Newfie pirate muse, is voiceover guy now. I fired the other one. And the replacement cue-guy is Linn, my sarcastic morbid Elven First Muse. This should be interesting...

Disclaimer - I do not own HP. Dammit. 9.9 [thinks] But I DO own other stuff like the books, and a copy of the first two movies, and various fanfiction ideas and characters... I don't own anything or anyone I REALLY want to own, though. DAMMIT!

SCENE 4

[Setting: An enormous, blank, boring plain. Set in the middle of the foreground is an enormous sign that says, "Welcome to Fanficto-Reality". Underneath in smaller, almost ominous letters it says, "In hormones we trust". Fade in uneasy music.]

Harry and Remus: [blinkblink][blinkblink]

[There is a tense silence, as though both are afraid to break it, which they are, and for good reason]

Remus: [finally] What's Fanficto-Reality?

Harry: Dunno. I s'pose we'll have to find out.

Remus: And what do you suppose, "In hormones we trust" means?

Harry: I've heard something like it before. I think it's on American money, or something like that. [looks uneasy] It - it makes me think of screaming teenage girls...

[both shudder]

Remus: [hastily] Let's go.

[The two start rapidly off across the plains, leaving the sign behind them. Remus is in the lead. However, a short while after the sign disappears behind them, Remus starts wandering off, zigzagging back and forth, as though trying to lose Harry, which is a really stupid idea considering that there's nothing to lose him on but extremely open ground]

Director: [offstage] -.-

[{smiles sheepishly} What, I'm only being honest...Yeesh. Ahem... Eventually, Remus turns sharply about to angrily confront Harry]

Remus: [snaps] Stop following me!

Harry: [bewildered] But professor...aren't we travelling together? Doesn't that usually mean we follow each other?

Remus: .....................Oh. U.U Uh-oh....It's happening again, isn't it?

Harry: What is?

Remus: This. Now listen carefully. You have to remember this because I certainly won't. Also it's important to whatever plot there is and doubles as amusingly humourous comic relief. You see...I suffer from short-term memory loss. Don't ask me why. I don't remember why. My psychiatrist tells it sometimes happens when the victim has undergone an extremely traumatic experience. [pauses, looks uncertain] At least, I think he did....Who is he, anyways?

[Disbelieving silence. Remus looks sheepish, which is odd, considering he's a werewolf. Wouldn't that make for a lot of difficulties?...]

Harry: I don't believe this. I should have gone by myself. I knew I should have gone by myself...

Remus: Speaking of which, where are we going again?

Harry: [shakes head in hopeless defeat] We've got to find Sirius.

Remus: [lightbulb] That's it! Then what are we waiting for?

[They turn to start off again...but run directly into a Black-Robed Figure that has approached, unseen, during the amusingly humourous discussion]

Harry: O.O [gulp]

BRF: Potter. And Lupin. I might have known.

Remus: Hey! Aren't you Severus Snape? I know you! Pleased to meet you! [enthusiastically shakes BRF's hand]

Snape: -.-

Harry: [blurts] What are you doing here, Professor?

Snape: -.- You will see. Potter, with me.

Harry: [nervous] Um, thanks, but no thanks, sir. You see, we're in the middle of something really urgent -

[Snape begins towing the two along by the sleeves of their robes, looking as pissed off as it is possible to look]

Harry: U.U Fine then. We're coming...

[They walk until they approach a stone fort surrounded by a large field of bumps]

Remus: [points innocently] What are those?

Snape: Sue-mines.

Harry: [in spite of himself] Sue-mines?

Snape: Yes, Potter. Sue-mines. Mary-Sues leave them all over the place. Don't touch them or you'll bring them down on us.

Harry: 0.o What are Sues?....

[Snape doesn't answer, as they are now entering the fort and a horrific sight has just met Harry's eyes.

Multiple Snapes....]

[blackout]

[Director's Note: From now on the multiple Snapes will be referred to as Severus Snape (proper canon Snape), Nice Snape, and Angsty Snape, seeing as those seem to be the types most fanfiction writers like to use... Research shows that it is very rare for fanfiction authors to properly characterize this particular character, thus the plot device of multiple Snapes.]

[I don't think they really need to be told that, m'lady. They're not that stupid. Are they? And can I continue?]

[Director's Note: Go hard.]

Severus Snape: [banging gavel on podium] This meeting of Sullen Vengeful Bastards Anonymous will now come to order. Let us repeat the pledge together: I am a nice Snape. I will refrain from chewing others out, holding grudges, and generally making all the Good Happy People feel Real Bad. I am no longer the sullen vengeful bastard I once was.

Gollum: Fisssssh are friendsss, until we getsss hungry, eh precious?

Director: [blinkblink] [blinkblink] Cut! Security! What the hell is Gollum doing here?!

[Security drags a shrieking, swearing Gollum off the set]

Nice Snape: Hey! He was just starting on the path to recovery!

Director: 9.9 [sigh] Roll the camera.

SS: [looking very unhappy] Remember, Harry is a hero, not a headache.

Harry: [blinkblink]

SS: [continuing] Today is step five of 9 634 201 997. Have you all brought a hero friend?

NS: [cheerfully] I've got mine! [steps aside to reveal Neville, hiding trembling under the table]

SS: Angsty me?

AS: [looks guilty] Umm...sorry, Severus. I seem to have... errr... misplaced mine. [hastily shoves shut the door behind him that has been slowly creaking open to reveal Hermione strapped to a chair, being forced to watch a pile of burning homework and textbooks.]

[Neville gulps and scurries for the door]

SS: Take one of these two moro - I mean, heroes - I found, then.

[AS latches on to Harry]

SS: All right, who wants to start the testimonies?

[Dead silence]

SS: [sulkily] Damn you all. [clears throat] Hi, my name is Severus...

Other Snapes: Hello Severus! [silly smiles]

SS: I am pleased to report that I haven't been a sullen vengeful bastard for two whole weeks.

[Applause from other Snapes and Remus]

AS: That's incredible. I could never manage that. My horrible childhood and thwarted dreams will prevent me from ever having a normal adulthood...ah, woe is me...

NS: Amazing!

SS: OK, who's next?

Remus: [silly smile] Me! Me! Pick me!

SS: [bemused] All right then...

[Remus bounds up to the podium]

Remus: Hi, I'm Remus!

Snapes: Hi, Remus.

Remus:....and, ummmm....I don't think I've ever been a sullen vengeful bastard. [thoughful pause] At least, not that I can remember.

Harry: 9.9

[Silence. Then, thunderous applause]

NS: That is absolutely incredible! Just imagine!

Remus: [silly smile] [leaving the podium] Wow, that was easier than I thought. Your turn, Harry!

Harry: Me?! Uh-uh. No way.

AS: You got a problem? [menacing]

Harry: [gulps] No, of course not -

Snapes: [knowing look] Denial.

[NS shakes his head sadly. Harry reluctantly takes the podium.]

Harry: Ummm...hi...I'm...Harry...

[All three Snapes stare in surprise.]

NS: Really? The real Harry hero? Wow! Do something heroic!

Harry: Welll....uhhhh....I can't, exactly, you know, because there's no dangerous situation...

[Snapes look disappointed]

Harry: Ummmm.... Ummmmm...[eyes dart nervously around the room as he stalls for time]

Snapes: Well?

[Just then Harry spies a strange thing; lying on the floor in front of the door is a strange thing: a piece of cobwebby blackish-greyish cloth, and a red rubber nose.]

[begin flashback]

[slow-mo]

Harry - [horrified] S I R I U S! N O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O!

[the Veil flutters, then burps]

[end flashback]

Harry: Sirius!

Snapes: What? That bastard? What's he got to do with this?

Harry: -.- He is NOT a bastard. And he fell behind the Veil...

Remus: Poor guy...

Harry: I just saw a piece of it lying there. Professor Lupin, I think we have some clues! [dashes from podium and scoops up the piece of the Veil and the red rubber nose]

Remus: We get clues? Really? Wow!

Harry: Come on, let's go! There's writing on the inside of the nose, but it's some form of Elvish. I can't read it.

Frodo: [furiously] LINE-STEALER!

Director: CUT! What the hell is going on?! Why are all these LOTR characters invading my movie?! SECURITY!

[Security drags a shrieking, swearing Frodo off the set. Security has been having a very eventful job lately. Poor Security.]

Director: [sighs in exasperation] Roll the camera.

Harry: [continues, oblivious] We'd better find someone who can. Surely there's someone in this mad place who can read it...

[Remus and Harry dash away from the fort, subconsciously avoiding the Sue-mines]

SS: Hey! Get back here! We're not done our meeting!

[Snapes rush out after them. AS trips, falls - and lands on a Sue-mine]

NS - Oh shit.

[Oh shit.]

[Director's cue: Nets fly up from everywhere, thoroughly entangling the unfortunate Snapes. Far off in the distance, high-pitched screaming begins]

AS - Noooooooooo! I'm too unfortunate and plagued with self-recriminations to diiiiiiie!

[Director's cue: A cloud of dust appears on the horizon, and the ground begins to rumble with the sounds of millions of Sue-feet running like crazy]

Harry: [looks back Whoa.] I think we got out of there just in time, Professor - Professor? Where are you? Hey! Don't run off and leave me! [runs frantically after Remus' rapidly diminishing figure]

[Director's cue: blackout]

Director: Ok, that was good. CUT! Linn! Get back here!

[I'm scared.]

Director: Merlin's beard, Linn! Lose the flamethrower!

[But it makes me feel safe.]

Director: [through clenched teeth.] Lose. The. Flamethrower. Now. Linn.

[No.]

Director: [warningly] Do you want to lose this job?

[Fine then. I'll give it back to Cam.]

Director: ....In that case, maybe you'd better give it to me instead.

[He won't use it, Luin. He's too busy working on his H-bomb design]

Director: O.O Shit!

[I wasn't supposed to tell you...]

Director: I hate having to disarm him all the time. OK, everyone, got to split RIGHT NOW! See you! I hope....

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