It was near noon when Duo finally gathered enough courage to knock on the door. At first there was no answer. Panic overrode his brain and he was knocking frantically by the time Wufei answered the door. Breathing heavily, Duo stared at him, momentarily speechless, his head wondering what he meant to happen by coming here.
"Duo? What are you doing here? The office called about an hour ago, you didn't show up…"
Duo noticed how his friend was dressed in a gray t-shirt and black sweatpants and realized he'd woken him up. Suddenly scared, he took a step back. "Never mind, sorry for bothering you."
Wufei stopped him from leaving, grabbing his arm and forcing the braided man to face him. "What's wrong?" he asked, a tone in his voice suggesting that Duo not bother to hide it.
Duo looked at him and felt weak. He had been driving around all day, pushing the confines of his car, ignoring the speed limits. He had sped along the roads and had arrived in town in half the time it should have taken. Despite his speed in reaching his friend's apartment, Duo swiftly wished he were back at home where he could break down in private. Finally gathering enough courage, the only thing that made its way past his lips was, "Can I stay with you for a while?"
Wufei stared at his friend with concerned eyes. Duo had just finished telling him the story and an anger swelled in him like he had never known. Watching as the Chinese man clenched his jaw and fists, Duo wondered if it was right for him to tell Wufei what he just had.
"I can't believe him," Wufei muttered. He spoke again, his voice getting louder. "I cannot believe he would do such a thing. It's so… wrong and deceitful. No man worth anything would do that to someone he loved. How could he betray you… all of us…"
Duo could see the anger and confusion in Wufei's eyes and it lessened his pain to know that someone else understood his feelings somewhat. He took a sip of his tea and pulled his knees closer to his chest. He sat on the couch as Wufei sat on the chair next to it. Earl was uncomfortably stretched out on the floor by the door.
"So what are you going to do?" Wufei asked and motioned around the apartment, "It's only a one-bedroom apartment; you can't stay here forever."
Duo lowered his eyes and stared at his tea. "I know."
"Have you called Quatre?"
"No. Why?"
Wufei nodded towards a phone that sat on the end table next to the couch. "You should call him. He's your best friend. He'll no doubt have a place you can stay more permanently."
Duo lowered his eyes again.
"Duo." Wufei hardened his voice, forcing Duo to look up. "Call him." Rising, Wufei took the empty cups from the coffee table and took them to the kitchen.
Duo stared at the phone for a moment before moving to get up, deciding against calling his blonde friend. A glare came from Wufei from the kitchen Duo sat back down.
Reluctantly, Duo called Quatre. The blonde was overjoyed to hear from him but his tone quickly changed as Duo spoke to him. Though his friend hadn't revealed any problem, Quatre could sense that something was wrong. Duo refused to tell him, though, only requesting a place to stay for a while. Quatre relented and made arrangements to call and book Duo a ticket to L4 and to meet Duo at the shuttle port the next day. Duo thanked him and hung up the phone slowly, wishing for a moment that he had told Quatre what had happened. Unable to stop himself, his thumb began to move across the golden ring upon his ring finger. After quickly calling himself in to work, he stood up and headed to the kitchen, smelling food being cooked in the next room.
Silently eating his food, Wufei seemed to have cooled down since their earlier conversation and Duo dared to try for small talk.
"So why are you home anyway?"
"It's my day off," Wufei told him.
"Oh," Duo responded with a smile, "I didn't know you took those."
Wufei looked up at him. "You don't have to hide it, you know. I know you are not as ok as you would like me to believe."
Duo quickly looked down at his food. "I'm fine."
"Stop, you don't need to mask your…"
"Yes I do." Duo said quickly. And that was the end of their conversation.
= = =
Having had little sleep during the night, Duo decided to leave early, sneaking out of Wufei's apartment moments before the other boy awoke. The sofa had left his back a little sore, but Duo ignored the discomfort as he turned into the driveway.
He took the key out of the ignition but remained in the seat. Duo stared at the car parked in front of his, his heart sinking to know that he had to encounter Heero. He took in a few steady breaths before deciding that he had no choice and might as well get it over with. He had to get his things and get to the shuttle port.
Leaving Earl in the back seat of the car, Duo entered the house. The living room was vacant but Heero came from the kitchen the moment the door opened. He was only in a pair of sweatpants and by the look of his face, Duo could tell he hadn't slept much during the previous night either. His eyes were reddened and his hair unwashed. His navy blue eyes widened when Duo came inside.
"Duo--" Heero moved forward in an attempt to get closer to the other man but Duo put his hand out and backed up.
"Don't. I'm just here to get my stuff."
"Duo please--"
Walking around Heero, Duo went into the bedroom and began to pull clothes from the dresser. He went into the closet and took out a large old duffle bag and began stuffing the clothes into it.
"Duo."
"What, Heero?" Duo paused from packing and looked at the other boy.
"I just… I… It was a mistake… I am so sorry. Please don't leave…"
His voice was pleading and sad, but Duo turned and continued to throw clothes into the bag. "You should have thought about that before you fucked Relena." Looking up, Duo was just in time to catch Heero wince at his comment. He stared at him with hate in his eyes, fighting with all he had to keep the hate there and to prevent the pain from taking over. "What the hell do you expect, Heero?"
Heero didn't answer. He remained quiet and watched as Duo packed, helpless to stop him. Duo grabbed his underwear and threw it in with the rest of the clothes.
"Can we just talk? We've been able to talk through everything else…"
Duo ignored him and continued to pack. Heero stepped forward and grabbed the boy's arms to stop him from packing, trying to get the boy's attention. Duo pulled away in a sudden swift motion and backed away as far as he could go. "Don't! Don't touch me!" he cried.
Heero's eyes flashed pain as Duo had never seen them do, but he didn't care. He still hadn't dealt with anything and being so close to Heero only caused him to feel the hurt the other man had caused him. He wasn't ready to deal with it yet. He just wanted to get his things and go.
Standing tense and shocked, Heero waited a moment before taking a few vanquished steps backward. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Don't," Duo warned, raising his finger to point accusingly at him, "Don't do that either. I don't want to hear it. I'm leaving, just let me go!"
The former Wing pilot lowered his head in defeat. "All right," he said dejectedly, "I'll leave you alone." Turning to leave, Heero was stopped when Duo raised his voice.
"Stop it! You won't make me feel guilty so just stop!"
"Duo I didn't--"
"No! Do you never listen? I said shut up! Nothin' you say means anything anymore!" Duo stopped for a moment and studied the look in Heero's eyes. "You lied," Duo accused, his voice now lowered, "You lied to me. A lie by omission is still a lie. I--" He stopped himself. He wanted so badly to push it further, to deepen the hurting he saw in Heero's eyes, but he had to stop or risk not being able to come back.
Deciding to leave right then, he made up his mind to leave whatever he had not yet collected in Heero's possession until later. He just couldn't be there any longer. Duo grabbed the bag and left the room, pushing Heero aside as he left. When he turned around in the living room, Heero was standing in the hallway watching him. The cobalt eyes followed Duo as he moved to the door. He set the bag down next to the door and dug into his pocket, taking out his key chain moments later. He looked through the keys, found the one he was searching for, and removed it from the key ring. He laid it on the table near the coat closet and before he passed through the door, he took off the golden ring Heero had given him. He laid it next to the key and left.
Throwing the bag and coat into the passenger seat, Duo collapsed into the driver's seat, leaning his head on the steering wheel. Earl peaked his head through the two front seats and nudged Duo with is wet nose, not bothering to notice he was being ignored. He heard the door to the house open and quickly rose, buckled his seatbelt and started the car. As Heero emerged from the house, obviously planning on stopping him, Duo pulled as fast as he could out of the driveway and down the street, not daring to look back.
= = =
Duo's thumb stirred to caress the ring that was no longer there. He cringed at its absence, having grown familiar with the golden band. He could remember the exact day, (April 24) the time (11:16 pm), and the exact place (on the living room floor of their house) that Heero had given him the ring. He remembered the words his lover had spoken to him and every caress of the love they made before and after. He remembered what he had worn that day, what Heero had worn that day, what they had eaten for dinner, what the weather had been like, even what assignment he had been working on for the Preventers that day. He remembered everything. And he hated it.
He wanted to forget. He wanted to forget the ring he had grown used to; he wanted to forget that night and every night he had ever spent with Heero. He wanted to forget the love he had felt for the man that lied to him.
However, the more he tried to forget, the more he remembered. When he tried to forget the fun they had had together, he remembered the playful sex they had had, or the time spent walking Earl in the park, or the day at Worlds of Fun. When he tried to forget how sweet the man had treated him, he remembered the soft caresses and encouraging words. When he tried to forget Heero's face, his features became more prominent in Duo's mind.
Why couldn't he forget? That was all he wanted to do and the only thing he couldn't do. He wanted to forget the fun and the love and the perfect life he had been sharing with the former Wing pilot. He couldn't do it, though. His heart ached because of it, his insides were being torn apart despite the outward appearance he displayed. He found himself able to joke about it and easily able to deal with it in public. When he was alone, however, he struggled fervently to keep himself from breaking down. He still refused to let any tears fall and didn't plan on letting them do so in the future.
He had too much to think about, he didn't have time to cry. The case was getting too complicated and he knew that he really shouldn't even be leaving, but he needed to get away. He was allowed to do research from his laptop and any new information would be sent to him to review. He hoped there would be some more information soon, there wasn't much to go on so far and every lead had turned up dead.
An attendant nudged his arm and broke him free from his thoughts. "Sir? We have arrived."
He stole a glance out one of the windows and saw that they were indeed docked in the L4 spaceship bay. Duo smiled and nodded at the red-headed woman as he rose to grab his bag from the overhead compartment. He waited as people slowly made their way off of the shuttle and mentally prepared himself to greet Quatre at the gate.
The blonde ex-pilot had a broad smile plastered over his face as he raced forward to give Duo a hug. Duo weakly returned the embrace and smiled and Quatre took a step back. Looking his friend in the eye, Quatre snatched the bag from Duo's hand and walked him to baggage claim.
"Are you ready to tell me what's going on?" he asked.
Duo let out a heavy sigh. "I'll tell you when we get to your place."
"Ok," Quatre replied, eyeing his friend suspiciously.
They picked up Duo's other bag and then retrieved Earl. Quatre refused to let Duo carry either of his bags and after stuffing said bags into the trunk of his SUV and putting Earl in the back seat, he drove them home.
Quatre sat silently as Duo moved frantically around the room, putting his clothes in drawers and belongings in the bathroom. Quatre had given him the guest bedroom to stay in, telling the braided boy he could stay as long as he wanted and assuring him that Trowa didn't mind. Now, the blonde sat Indian style on the bed, eyes widened and completely still, as Duo finished reiterating the story.
"And so here I am," Duo finished as he put the last of his socks in one drawer.
Quatre remained silent for a moment. "I can't believe he would do that," he finally whispered in awe.
"Well," Duo said plainly, struggling to keep his voice even, "He did."
"But he loves you--"
"Not enough."
"And Relena was our friend--"
"Pretended to be."
The room was quiet again. Duo's body stayed in constant motion, still putting things away. Quatre didn't know what to say. He played with a loose thread on the red comforter and rolled the news over in his head, wondering what Trowa would say and do when he told him. No. When Duo told him.
"What are you going to do?" Quatre asked him, still playing with the thread.
"I was planning on staying here for a little while until I can find a cheap apartment on Earth."
"You sure you want to go back?"
"Yeah, I just can't stand space anymore," Duo told him. "I'm not used to it anymore and I don't think I really want to be again."
"What did you do about work?"
Duo was glad that Quatre was moving away from the touchy subjects. "I called them and told them I was going to see a friend… so I am working on my research from my laptop."
Earl, lying on the bed next to where Quatre sat, rolled over and lay his head in the blonde's lap. Quatre stroked the dog gently for a few moments before returning to play with the thread. They were quiet for a while more as Quatre continued to watch Duo unpack. "What are you going to do about Heero? You know he'll try to find you."
Cringing that Quatre was so persistent, Duo was quickly distracted: hadn't thought about Heero coming after him and the thought of it scared him. He didn't let his sudden fear show, but his voice was shakier that he would have liked. "I don't know."
"Does he know you're here?" Quatre stopped fiddling with the string and looked up at his friend.
"Don't know." Duo suddenly turned to him. "Quatre, if he calls or anything, will you… I mean, I just don't want to talk to him."
"Gotcha."
"Thanks."
"No problem."
Duo turned and continued to mess around with the clothes. He ultimately finished unpacking his things and turned to Quatre, about to suggest that they head downstairs to get some food.
"Have you talked to him about it at all?"
Duo froze at the question and the relaxation he had placed over himself washed away into nerves. "Not really," he replied. Turning, he opened one of the drawers again and took out some of the shirts, rearranging them pointlessly.
Quatre rose and moved to stand a few feet in front of his friend, careful to keep his distance. "Duo, it's ok to be sad about it."
Duo immediately stopped, throwing the few shirts he had in his hand into the drawer and shoving it shut. "I'm not sad," he lied. "Heero made a choice. I gotta live with it is all."
"Duo, c'mon…"
"What Quatre?" Duo walked around him and sat on the bed, taking the remaining few items out of his bag and placing them on the table beside the bed.
"I know you," Quatre said simply, crossing his arms over his chest.
"What do you want me to say, Quatre?"
Duo was glad to finally see Quatre giving up. He could see it in the blonde's eyes that Quatre realized he just needed some time. Sighing reluctantly, Quatre unfolded his arms. "D'you want something to eat?"
Hearing the beep, Duo, glad to have something distract him from thoughts of Heero, lifted the screen to his laptop and opened his email. His eyes scanned the file that had been sent, narrowing when they read the important news. Kaden Jenkenson had been shot in the chest during an assassination attempt. The assassin got away but his weapon had been left behind and confiscated.
Apparently someone hacked into Preventer files again, this time to track down their traitor. They had gathered the necessary information and failed in trying to get rid of him.
Kaden had actually just finished his composite sketch with the Preventer artist and a scan of the result was enclosed in the email along with a comment from Jeriko simply saying, "Look familiar?".
Duo opened the attachment and looked at the face that stared back at him. Grey curly hair and dark eyes, Veteran had an eerily kind face and soft features. He had the look of a common man in his fifties. Duo's eyes narrowed. He had seen that face before…
He stared at the picture for a moment but no matter how many times he searched his brain, he could not match the face to a name or memory. Apparently it was someone Jeriko also knew. He looked at the picture for a few more minutes before leaning back on his pillows. He closed his eyes and tried to will away the headache that had permanently wedged itself behind his eyes. He took a few deep breaths and was unable to resist when sleep slowly washed over him.
Blinking blearily at the clock next to the bed, Duo saw that it was almost twelve thirty. He had stayed up almost all of the previous night, looking through files and scouring the internet. Trying to find out who the man in the picture was, Duo tried everything he could think of but got no solid results. He was beginning to worry that if they didn't find this man soon, his plans would be carried out and they would be too late. He needed to continue his research, but he couldn't make himself get out of bed.
He rolled over and realized he was alone, an overwhelmingly strange feeling invading him. He forgot about the work he needed to do as the thoughts of Heero took over his mind. Heero was gone. Duo was alone and it hit him right in the heart. As he had done every morning since he had received the ring, his thumb moved to touch the golden band that was now gone. He felt its absence as much as he felt Heero's. Staring at the closed curtains of the large window, every emotion came rushing back. He barely managed to suppress them, not wanting a repeat of the previous night, but they were still felt. He was able to make the hatred and hurt the most prominent, since they were the easiest to deal with. They were the ones who kept him going now, not the pain, not the betrayal, not the shame. He felt immense hatred for Heero and Relena and it nearly consumed him.
He wanted to scream 'Why?!' but he remained silent, staring at the white linen curtains.
Earl heard the rustling of sheets and stood from his place on the floor. He moved to stand beside the bed, laying his head near Duo's, asking for attention and reminding the boy that he was not completely alone. Duo looked up at him and smiled as the dog looked at him with large, round, honest eyes. Smiling, Duo rubbed Earl's ears until the dog decided it was enough and jumped upon the bed, finding a comfortable position and returning to sleep.
Duo blinked for a few minutes, trying hopelessly to wake himself up. After a while, he decided it was pointless and rolled over, returning to sleep where the emotions didn't follow him.
Quatre came in and glanced at the clock as he ran to Duo's side. It was two forty-two in the morning. Quatre held back for a moment, but when Duo continued to stir and moan in his sleep, he placed his hand on the boy's shoulder.
"Duo? Duo wake up - you're having a nightmare," Quatre said quietly, trying to wake his friend.
Quatre gently shook him and Duo jerked awake. He looked up at his blonde friend with panicked eyes. Beads of sweat gathered on his forehead and above his lips. Slowly realizing where he was and what was going on, he relaxed against the pillows. His hands moved through his hair, pushing the bangs away from his sticky forehead and after gathering himself, he turned and looked at Quatre.
The blonde's eyes were scared, worry apparent in the blue orbs. "You okay?" he asked.
Duo nodded, not really able to speak.
"D'you wanna talk about it?"
Duo didn't respond. He wasn't sure whether he wanted to talk about the dream he had been having. He didn't want to think about it. "Just a bad dream," he finally said.
"No shit," Quatre laughed, trying to lighten the mood, "I meant, did you want to talk about whatever the dream was about."
"Just Heero," Duo admitted before he could stop himself.
Quatre's eyes narrowed and leaned forward. "What about him?"
"I don't know," Duo said, running his hands through his hair again in an attempt to massage away the headache, "It wasn't really clear."
"You miss him, don't you?"
Duo turned and looked at him, a bit surprised and defensive. "Why would I be missing him?" he asked, turning away to stare at the dark ceiling. He suddenly wished Quatre would leave.
"C'mon, Duo. Just because he cheated on you doesn't mean you stop loving him. You still love him, you know it and you know you're missing him." He stared at Duo for a moment, a bit regretful that he had let his voice get too harsh, but relieved that he'd finally said his piece.
Duo returned the boy's stare, not knowing what to say. He tried a few times to formulate a decent response, but every sense failed him. All he could say was in a whisper, "I know."
They sat in silence for a while, neither knowing what to say now. Earl, having been lying on the bed near Duo's feet, scooted closer to Quatre, wanting some attention but not receiving any.
"I lived in the perfect world for a while," Duo finally said, barely whispering loud enough for Quatre to hear him, "And he ended it. He lied and I hate him for it. But I still love him and no matter what I do I can't stop thinking about him. I don't want to love him any more, Quatre. I just want to move on, I don't want to waste any more of my time on him…"
Quatre interrupted him. "You really think the past few years have been a waste of time?"
"Yes," Duo blurted out, "It's all been a lie…"
"All of it?"
"Yes!" Duo's voice rose and before he knew it he was yelling. "He lied about everything - about loving me, about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me, about everything, Quatre! And if it wasn't all a lie, I don't know how to tell what was and what wasn't because I can't tell with him anymore - I thought I knew how to tell if he was lying, but apparently I can't. I can't even tell if the person I love the most and spend the most time with is lying to me…" He trailed off, stopping himself, not wanting to say more since he'd already said too much. He sat up, pulling his legs up to his chest and letting his head fall forward, resting his forehead on his knees. Taking in a steady breath, he looked up at Quatre with hardened eyes. "I'm alright," he said.
Quatre, to Duo's silent thanks, got the hint and stood up from the bed. "Make sure he gets some sleep," Quatre ordered Earl, patting the dog softly on the head. "See ya in the morning Duo."
Duo managed a smile and once Quatre was out of the room, he let out a deep, unsteady breath. Closing his eyes, the dream flashed in front of him and with it the pain it evoked. He sat there in the dark for a few minutes, legs held tight to his chest and his head still bent forward. He couldn't stop himself and he suddenly hated himself for it as tears began to run down his cheeks and sobs erupted from his throat.
He cried and his heart began to break. The despair consumed him and it seemed as if the immense darkness he found himself swimming in would never be lifted. His head swarmed with questions and his heart cried in pain. He couldn't do anything to fight it; once he let one tear fall, the others were unable to be stopped.
For the first time in a week, Duo left his room in search of food. He left the kitchen after discovering some strawberry Pop-Tarts and made his way back to his room, fully ready to drown himself in daytime television. As he was passing the office, Duo heard Quatre's voice speaking without answer, in an accusing tone. Curiosity pricked, he nudged the door open and listened quietly, Pop-Tarts in one hand, the other mindlessly moving as his thumb rubbed the empty spot above his ring finger's knuckle.
"No… Heero, you…"
Duo suddenly didn't know what to do. He could go back to his room, or he could listen. Knowing Quatre was talking to Heero made his heart pound but he was too interested in how the blonde would talk to his former friend.
"You cheated on him. What do you expect?" There was silence where Duo assumed Heero was talking. "Well of course he didn't want to talk to you. Why would he? Heero, I don't think you get it - you quite literally fucked your relationship with Duo by being with Relena… No… No, he said he didn't want to talk to you and I am not going to bother him right now… I don't know, Heero, but I know you really screwed up and I don't know if you are going to be able to fix it… He hasn't even left his room - you really hurt him, Heero. I can't believe you did this…"
Not wanting to listen anymore, Duo moved away from the door and quietly returned to his room. Leaving the Pop-Tarts on the bedside table, Duo crawled into bed and buried himself under the covers. He curled into a ball, snuggling into the thick pillows in a fetal position. He was quiet and the room was quiet. He was alone and nobody could do anything about it.
His head suddenly began to swarm with foreign thoughts. Did Heero feel bad for what he did? Would it even matter? Would remorse make a difference?
He suddenly changed his mind and attempting to quiet the painful trail of thought, he reached for the remote and flipped on the television. Infomercial, infomercial, talk show, Lifetime movie, talk show… he continued to flip through the channels and refused to stop surfing until he found something to watch and take over his brain. He slowly made his way up the list of channels until he abruptly stopped.
"…national meetings earlier today held on the L1 colony. Relena Peacecraft was present at the meeting and proposed…"
Duo's ears drowned out the newscaster and his eyes focused on Relena. The blonde girl was standing on a platform, hands folded together in front of her, broad smile playing for the cameras that flashed around her. He glared at her face, willing every feature on her head to sprout warts to match her personality. Hatred began to fill him until the camera moved along the line of other government officials, passing for a moment over Relena's bodyguard, Heero Yuy.
Relena was smiling at him and whispering in his ear, seemingly happy that the man was no longer attached. She flirted with him, smiling and laughing, though the stoic boy didn't react to her comment. The television camera moved on, but then went back to them.
Images from earlier in the day were then shown, the announcer describing the events. A man then appeared on the screen and Duo nearly leapt out of his skin. Duo saw the man on the screen, who Duo instantly recognized as Brenn Malum, and couldn't help but see the uncanny resemblance he bore towards the sketch of the terrorist.
The information, like being pulled up on a computer, suddenly displayed itself within Duo's mind, all connections made. The terrorist had hacked into the Preventer files, obviously knowing what he was doing. Malum knew a lot about the Preventer database through Relena and Heero. Heero's files had been hacked into as well. It would seem logical that if you wanted to get to Relena, you needed to find any and all of her body guard's weaknesses. The terrorist leader worked for a woman of high prestige. Relena was about as high as it got. Malum was a strategist during the war, advising people as high up as Treize Khushrenada himself. He was never in the army, though. That would be why he didn't show up in the search.
So now he was planning on assassinating Relena? Duo stopped for a moment and listened as the news caster spoke.
"…next month where Ms. Peacecraft will be hosting one of the largest events of the year. Attending will be representatives from countries all over the world…"
That must be when they'll attack, Duo thought. It would be the perfect opportunity to kill Relena, along with a number of other world leaders. Shit.
= = =
As the shuttle entered the Earth's atmosphere, Duo could feel his hands begin to sweat. He rubbed his clammy palms over his jeans and closed his eyes in an attempt to relax himself. The stress continued to build, however, as the thought of seeing Heero again wouldn't leave his mind. In the month and a half since he had left Earth and been living with Quatre, he had eventually allowed himself to feel the pain. He had cried himself to sleep for two weeks straight and left more than one hole in Quatre's guestroom wall (he and Quatre had worked together to patch up the holes two days before Duo left).
Upon seeing the television broadcast and realizing who the terrorist leader was, Duo had immediately called and booked a shuttle ticket to Earth.
He had left in a hurry, but had, thanks to Quatre, found a decent apartment the previous week. He was able to pack up all his things and head to Earth, two goals in mind. He had to stop Malum from assassinating Relena. He also had to move on with his life and stop sulking about Heero.
He actually thought the whole moving-back-to-Earth-and-moving-on-with-his-life thing was a good idea as he had started to feel guilt for sponging off of Quatre for so long, even though his friend assured him it was no problem. He was confident about going back to Earth and welcomed the trip home until he actually boarded the shuttle and was forced to sit with his own thoughts for unending hours.
Sitting in his seat, surrounded by people who were occupied with their own business, Duo's head began the thought process he always hated. Surrounding Heero, the ideas seemed to have minds of their own and they refused to settle, like boats that refused to sink.
He was going to see Heero again. He had no choice. It had been his stupidity not to grab all of his things when he left for Quatre's. Now he had to go back to get those things, he had to go back and see Heero so that he could move on. He wished everything would stop going in circles.
Another thought came: he might even see Heero before getting his things. If he happened to be working when the Preventers went in to get Malum, Duo would have to confront him. The idea caused a shiver to run up Duo's spine.
He knew that thinking about it wouldn't make any difference. If he thought about it more, it wouldn't matter because he would still have to face Heero and save Relena. Trying to distract himself, he glanced at the girl next to him. She looked to be about forty, her short blonde hair beginning to lose its vibrancy. She was busy reading, her eyes focused on the page.
Duo looked at the top of the page, nosily seeing what book the girl was reading. It was a book of Shakespeare. He scanned the page, reading a line here and there for no reason in particular.
The woman looked at him and smiled nervously.
Suddenly realizing he was bothering her, he looked up and managed to smile. "Sorry," he apologized, putting a hand up in surrender, "I was just curious. My friends used one of Shakespeare's poems as their vows at their wedding. I had never read Shakespeare and I was just curious and when I saw you were reading Shakespeare I--"
The woman began to laugh and cut him off. "It's alright. No problem." She held out the book to him, still laughing. "And they're called sonnets, not poems. Here, would you like to read some?"
Duo shook his head. "No thanks. Not really in the mood for romantic reading right now."
The woman smiled again. "Love problems?"
"You could say that," Duo responded without thinking.
The woman raised an eyebrow, prompting him to tell her. Duo looked back at the woman, his indigo eyes locked onto her sky blues and for no reason at all, he told her.
"My boyfriend cheated on me with someone I thought was my friend."
The woman looked away to focus on the back of the seat in front of her. Duo expected to be brushed off as he had before when a stranger discovered he was homosexual. He was used to it. Even after so many years of legal gay marriage and after so many other, more important things had happened, such prejudices still existed and Duo was no stranger to them. Instead of the expected reaction, all he got was, "Oh. I'm sorry."
He was a relieved that this woman wasn't homophobic and the thoughts quickly left his mind to be replaced with a bit of anger… but not towards her. "It's not your fault; it's his," Duo said, a little more spite coming through his voice than he would have liked.
"Did you leave him?" the woman asked.
Duo nodded.
"So you no longer love him?"
Duo frowned and after a moment of thinking, shook his head. "No," he chuckled, "No, I'm still in love with him."
Confusion passed over the woman features and she looked at him, examining his face. "Then why did you leave him?"
It was then Duo's turn to be confused, after all, he thought it was kind of obvious. "Because he cheated on me."
"On purpose? Or was it a mistake? Did he apologize?"
Duo looked at the woman for a moment. He couldn't understand why it mattered. "He said it was a mistake and he apologized. But… I can't believe him."
"You won't believe him."
Duo blinked at her but she continued before he had a chance to comment.
"Boy, I have been in more relationships than you can probably imagine. I loved a few of them, but I was in love with only one of them. He was in love with me too. But, like your love, he made a mistake and cheated. Believe me, I felt the same as you did - why stay with the bastard? I thought to myself, if he really loved me than he wouldn't have cheated, right? So I left him. He tried to get me to stay but I refused to listen. He cheated on me, why should I stay?"
She paused for a moment, watching the empathy stir in Duo's eyes.
"But he didn't give up… not for a while. He kept calling, trying to get me to come back, but I refused. I was stubborn. That man stole my heart, cheated on me and then lied about it. I felt justified. Do you know what I think of that decision now?" She leaned forward. "I hate myself for it."
Duo looked at her, searching her eyes. "Why?" he managed to whisper.
"I loved him. He truly did love me. But he was human and made a mistake and I was a bitch and didn't know how to forgive. At the time, I was more willing to be right with my convictions than happy. Believe me, boy, if you truly love this man, don't let him go. Love is something incredibly hard to find. If you found it, don't let it go because of simple human error. I am not saying you need to forgive him, but… listen to your heart and do what makes you happy. I know this road isn't making you happy…"
Duo looked down, not wanting to look at the woman any more. He shook his head. She was right, he wasn't happy.
"Just let yourself be happy. Respect yourself, certainly… don't let him get away with it, but let yourself enjoy the love you've found."
He smiled weakly at her and turned to look out the window. He could see the horizon of the Earth's surface against the blackness of space and remembered all the times he had spent out there in the seat of his Gundam.
Should he forgive Heero? No. He couldn't; his heart wouldn't let him. But his heart was begging to be with Heero at the same time. He missed the stoic man so much his chest hurt and he couldn't figure out how to stop the pain.
He purposefully began to caress his ring finger, suddenly missing the golden ring more than ever. He missed it, he realized. He missed having that ring around his finger, constantly assuring him that he was wanted. It was gone, though, and so was the desired feeling. But a part of his heart was happy for the ring's absence. Knowing that the ring no longer stood for anything meant the sentimentality of it was gone with the promises it represented.
There were so many conflicting feelings swarming in his heart and mind, he didn't know which ones to listen to. Go back to Heero to appease one part of his heart? Or stay away to calm another? He hated the situation his ex-lover had caused.
Heero had promised him, Duo's heart would continually scream, why did he break the promise?
Duo stopped his train of thought, knowing that it would lead nowhere. He had been asking himself the same questions for the past month and a half and none of them were answerable without Heero. He refused to ask the man who had hurt him, though. His thoughts would have to remain unsatisfied.
He leaned his forehead on the window, feeling the faint coolness of space seep through the glass. Closing his eyes, he tried to calm himself again. He steadied his breathing and slowed his heart rate. His body was now calm, but his mind wasn't, the words the woman had spoken flying like hunting eagles in his head. He couldn't make a decision regarding Heero. He was beginning to think he would never be ready to face him again.
But he had no choice and as the shuttle continued its decent to Earth, Duo continued to try and relax his mind and ease the anxiety that was building up in his stomach. Ready or not, Duo did have a job to do.
= = =
"Duo? What are you doing here? The office called about an hour ago, you didn't show up…"
Duo noticed how his friend was dressed in a gray t-shirt and black sweatpants and realized he'd woken him up. Suddenly scared, he took a step back. "Never mind, sorry for bothering you."
Wufei stopped him from leaving, grabbing his arm and forcing the braided man to face him. "What's wrong?" he asked, a tone in his voice suggesting that Duo not bother to hide it.
Duo looked at him and felt weak. He had been driving around all day, pushing the confines of his car, ignoring the speed limits. He had sped along the roads and had arrived in town in half the time it should have taken. Despite his speed in reaching his friend's apartment, Duo swiftly wished he were back at home where he could break down in private. Finally gathering enough courage, the only thing that made its way past his lips was, "Can I stay with you for a while?"
Wufei stared at his friend with concerned eyes. Duo had just finished telling him the story and an anger swelled in him like he had never known. Watching as the Chinese man clenched his jaw and fists, Duo wondered if it was right for him to tell Wufei what he just had.
"I can't believe him," Wufei muttered. He spoke again, his voice getting louder. "I cannot believe he would do such a thing. It's so… wrong and deceitful. No man worth anything would do that to someone he loved. How could he betray you… all of us…"
Duo could see the anger and confusion in Wufei's eyes and it lessened his pain to know that someone else understood his feelings somewhat. He took a sip of his tea and pulled his knees closer to his chest. He sat on the couch as Wufei sat on the chair next to it. Earl was uncomfortably stretched out on the floor by the door.
"So what are you going to do?" Wufei asked and motioned around the apartment, "It's only a one-bedroom apartment; you can't stay here forever."
Duo lowered his eyes and stared at his tea. "I know."
"Have you called Quatre?"
"No. Why?"
Wufei nodded towards a phone that sat on the end table next to the couch. "You should call him. He's your best friend. He'll no doubt have a place you can stay more permanently."
Duo lowered his eyes again.
"Duo." Wufei hardened his voice, forcing Duo to look up. "Call him." Rising, Wufei took the empty cups from the coffee table and took them to the kitchen.
Duo stared at the phone for a moment before moving to get up, deciding against calling his blonde friend. A glare came from Wufei from the kitchen Duo sat back down.
Reluctantly, Duo called Quatre. The blonde was overjoyed to hear from him but his tone quickly changed as Duo spoke to him. Though his friend hadn't revealed any problem, Quatre could sense that something was wrong. Duo refused to tell him, though, only requesting a place to stay for a while. Quatre relented and made arrangements to call and book Duo a ticket to L4 and to meet Duo at the shuttle port the next day. Duo thanked him and hung up the phone slowly, wishing for a moment that he had told Quatre what had happened. Unable to stop himself, his thumb began to move across the golden ring upon his ring finger. After quickly calling himself in to work, he stood up and headed to the kitchen, smelling food being cooked in the next room.
Silently eating his food, Wufei seemed to have cooled down since their earlier conversation and Duo dared to try for small talk.
"So why are you home anyway?"
"It's my day off," Wufei told him.
"Oh," Duo responded with a smile, "I didn't know you took those."
Wufei looked up at him. "You don't have to hide it, you know. I know you are not as ok as you would like me to believe."
Duo quickly looked down at his food. "I'm fine."
"Stop, you don't need to mask your…"
"Yes I do." Duo said quickly. And that was the end of their conversation.
= = =
Having had little sleep during the night, Duo decided to leave early, sneaking out of Wufei's apartment moments before the other boy awoke. The sofa had left his back a little sore, but Duo ignored the discomfort as he turned into the driveway.
He took the key out of the ignition but remained in the seat. Duo stared at the car parked in front of his, his heart sinking to know that he had to encounter Heero. He took in a few steady breaths before deciding that he had no choice and might as well get it over with. He had to get his things and get to the shuttle port.
Leaving Earl in the back seat of the car, Duo entered the house. The living room was vacant but Heero came from the kitchen the moment the door opened. He was only in a pair of sweatpants and by the look of his face, Duo could tell he hadn't slept much during the previous night either. His eyes were reddened and his hair unwashed. His navy blue eyes widened when Duo came inside.
"Duo--" Heero moved forward in an attempt to get closer to the other man but Duo put his hand out and backed up.
"Don't. I'm just here to get my stuff."
"Duo please--"
Walking around Heero, Duo went into the bedroom and began to pull clothes from the dresser. He went into the closet and took out a large old duffle bag and began stuffing the clothes into it.
"Duo."
"What, Heero?" Duo paused from packing and looked at the other boy.
"I just… I… It was a mistake… I am so sorry. Please don't leave…"
His voice was pleading and sad, but Duo turned and continued to throw clothes into the bag. "You should have thought about that before you fucked Relena." Looking up, Duo was just in time to catch Heero wince at his comment. He stared at him with hate in his eyes, fighting with all he had to keep the hate there and to prevent the pain from taking over. "What the hell do you expect, Heero?"
Heero didn't answer. He remained quiet and watched as Duo packed, helpless to stop him. Duo grabbed his underwear and threw it in with the rest of the clothes.
"Can we just talk? We've been able to talk through everything else…"
Duo ignored him and continued to pack. Heero stepped forward and grabbed the boy's arms to stop him from packing, trying to get the boy's attention. Duo pulled away in a sudden swift motion and backed away as far as he could go. "Don't! Don't touch me!" he cried.
Heero's eyes flashed pain as Duo had never seen them do, but he didn't care. He still hadn't dealt with anything and being so close to Heero only caused him to feel the hurt the other man had caused him. He wasn't ready to deal with it yet. He just wanted to get his things and go.
Standing tense and shocked, Heero waited a moment before taking a few vanquished steps backward. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Don't," Duo warned, raising his finger to point accusingly at him, "Don't do that either. I don't want to hear it. I'm leaving, just let me go!"
The former Wing pilot lowered his head in defeat. "All right," he said dejectedly, "I'll leave you alone." Turning to leave, Heero was stopped when Duo raised his voice.
"Stop it! You won't make me feel guilty so just stop!"
"Duo I didn't--"
"No! Do you never listen? I said shut up! Nothin' you say means anything anymore!" Duo stopped for a moment and studied the look in Heero's eyes. "You lied," Duo accused, his voice now lowered, "You lied to me. A lie by omission is still a lie. I--" He stopped himself. He wanted so badly to push it further, to deepen the hurting he saw in Heero's eyes, but he had to stop or risk not being able to come back.
Deciding to leave right then, he made up his mind to leave whatever he had not yet collected in Heero's possession until later. He just couldn't be there any longer. Duo grabbed the bag and left the room, pushing Heero aside as he left. When he turned around in the living room, Heero was standing in the hallway watching him. The cobalt eyes followed Duo as he moved to the door. He set the bag down next to the door and dug into his pocket, taking out his key chain moments later. He looked through the keys, found the one he was searching for, and removed it from the key ring. He laid it on the table near the coat closet and before he passed through the door, he took off the golden ring Heero had given him. He laid it next to the key and left.
Throwing the bag and coat into the passenger seat, Duo collapsed into the driver's seat, leaning his head on the steering wheel. Earl peaked his head through the two front seats and nudged Duo with is wet nose, not bothering to notice he was being ignored. He heard the door to the house open and quickly rose, buckled his seatbelt and started the car. As Heero emerged from the house, obviously planning on stopping him, Duo pulled as fast as he could out of the driveway and down the street, not daring to look back.
= = =
Duo's thumb stirred to caress the ring that was no longer there. He cringed at its absence, having grown familiar with the golden band. He could remember the exact day, (April 24) the time (11:16 pm), and the exact place (on the living room floor of their house) that Heero had given him the ring. He remembered the words his lover had spoken to him and every caress of the love they made before and after. He remembered what he had worn that day, what Heero had worn that day, what they had eaten for dinner, what the weather had been like, even what assignment he had been working on for the Preventers that day. He remembered everything. And he hated it.
He wanted to forget. He wanted to forget the ring he had grown used to; he wanted to forget that night and every night he had ever spent with Heero. He wanted to forget the love he had felt for the man that lied to him.
However, the more he tried to forget, the more he remembered. When he tried to forget the fun they had had together, he remembered the playful sex they had had, or the time spent walking Earl in the park, or the day at Worlds of Fun. When he tried to forget how sweet the man had treated him, he remembered the soft caresses and encouraging words. When he tried to forget Heero's face, his features became more prominent in Duo's mind.
Why couldn't he forget? That was all he wanted to do and the only thing he couldn't do. He wanted to forget the fun and the love and the perfect life he had been sharing with the former Wing pilot. He couldn't do it, though. His heart ached because of it, his insides were being torn apart despite the outward appearance he displayed. He found himself able to joke about it and easily able to deal with it in public. When he was alone, however, he struggled fervently to keep himself from breaking down. He still refused to let any tears fall and didn't plan on letting them do so in the future.
He had too much to think about, he didn't have time to cry. The case was getting too complicated and he knew that he really shouldn't even be leaving, but he needed to get away. He was allowed to do research from his laptop and any new information would be sent to him to review. He hoped there would be some more information soon, there wasn't much to go on so far and every lead had turned up dead.
An attendant nudged his arm and broke him free from his thoughts. "Sir? We have arrived."
He stole a glance out one of the windows and saw that they were indeed docked in the L4 spaceship bay. Duo smiled and nodded at the red-headed woman as he rose to grab his bag from the overhead compartment. He waited as people slowly made their way off of the shuttle and mentally prepared himself to greet Quatre at the gate.
The blonde ex-pilot had a broad smile plastered over his face as he raced forward to give Duo a hug. Duo weakly returned the embrace and smiled and Quatre took a step back. Looking his friend in the eye, Quatre snatched the bag from Duo's hand and walked him to baggage claim.
"Are you ready to tell me what's going on?" he asked.
Duo let out a heavy sigh. "I'll tell you when we get to your place."
"Ok," Quatre replied, eyeing his friend suspiciously.
They picked up Duo's other bag and then retrieved Earl. Quatre refused to let Duo carry either of his bags and after stuffing said bags into the trunk of his SUV and putting Earl in the back seat, he drove them home.
Quatre sat silently as Duo moved frantically around the room, putting his clothes in drawers and belongings in the bathroom. Quatre had given him the guest bedroom to stay in, telling the braided boy he could stay as long as he wanted and assuring him that Trowa didn't mind. Now, the blonde sat Indian style on the bed, eyes widened and completely still, as Duo finished reiterating the story.
"And so here I am," Duo finished as he put the last of his socks in one drawer.
Quatre remained silent for a moment. "I can't believe he would do that," he finally whispered in awe.
"Well," Duo said plainly, struggling to keep his voice even, "He did."
"But he loves you--"
"Not enough."
"And Relena was our friend--"
"Pretended to be."
The room was quiet again. Duo's body stayed in constant motion, still putting things away. Quatre didn't know what to say. He played with a loose thread on the red comforter and rolled the news over in his head, wondering what Trowa would say and do when he told him. No. When Duo told him.
"What are you going to do?" Quatre asked him, still playing with the thread.
"I was planning on staying here for a little while until I can find a cheap apartment on Earth."
"You sure you want to go back?"
"Yeah, I just can't stand space anymore," Duo told him. "I'm not used to it anymore and I don't think I really want to be again."
"What did you do about work?"
Duo was glad that Quatre was moving away from the touchy subjects. "I called them and told them I was going to see a friend… so I am working on my research from my laptop."
Earl, lying on the bed next to where Quatre sat, rolled over and lay his head in the blonde's lap. Quatre stroked the dog gently for a few moments before returning to play with the thread. They were quiet for a while more as Quatre continued to watch Duo unpack. "What are you going to do about Heero? You know he'll try to find you."
Cringing that Quatre was so persistent, Duo was quickly distracted: hadn't thought about Heero coming after him and the thought of it scared him. He didn't let his sudden fear show, but his voice was shakier that he would have liked. "I don't know."
"Does he know you're here?" Quatre stopped fiddling with the string and looked up at his friend.
"Don't know." Duo suddenly turned to him. "Quatre, if he calls or anything, will you… I mean, I just don't want to talk to him."
"Gotcha."
"Thanks."
"No problem."
Duo turned and continued to mess around with the clothes. He ultimately finished unpacking his things and turned to Quatre, about to suggest that they head downstairs to get some food.
"Have you talked to him about it at all?"
Duo froze at the question and the relaxation he had placed over himself washed away into nerves. "Not really," he replied. Turning, he opened one of the drawers again and took out some of the shirts, rearranging them pointlessly.
Quatre rose and moved to stand a few feet in front of his friend, careful to keep his distance. "Duo, it's ok to be sad about it."
Duo immediately stopped, throwing the few shirts he had in his hand into the drawer and shoving it shut. "I'm not sad," he lied. "Heero made a choice. I gotta live with it is all."
"Duo, c'mon…"
"What Quatre?" Duo walked around him and sat on the bed, taking the remaining few items out of his bag and placing them on the table beside the bed.
"I know you," Quatre said simply, crossing his arms over his chest.
"What do you want me to say, Quatre?"
Duo was glad to finally see Quatre giving up. He could see it in the blonde's eyes that Quatre realized he just needed some time. Sighing reluctantly, Quatre unfolded his arms. "D'you want something to eat?"
Hearing the beep, Duo, glad to have something distract him from thoughts of Heero, lifted the screen to his laptop and opened his email. His eyes scanned the file that had been sent, narrowing when they read the important news. Kaden Jenkenson had been shot in the chest during an assassination attempt. The assassin got away but his weapon had been left behind and confiscated.
Apparently someone hacked into Preventer files again, this time to track down their traitor. They had gathered the necessary information and failed in trying to get rid of him.
Kaden had actually just finished his composite sketch with the Preventer artist and a scan of the result was enclosed in the email along with a comment from Jeriko simply saying, "Look familiar?".
Duo opened the attachment and looked at the face that stared back at him. Grey curly hair and dark eyes, Veteran had an eerily kind face and soft features. He had the look of a common man in his fifties. Duo's eyes narrowed. He had seen that face before…
He stared at the picture for a moment but no matter how many times he searched his brain, he could not match the face to a name or memory. Apparently it was someone Jeriko also knew. He looked at the picture for a few more minutes before leaning back on his pillows. He closed his eyes and tried to will away the headache that had permanently wedged itself behind his eyes. He took a few deep breaths and was unable to resist when sleep slowly washed over him.
Blinking blearily at the clock next to the bed, Duo saw that it was almost twelve thirty. He had stayed up almost all of the previous night, looking through files and scouring the internet. Trying to find out who the man in the picture was, Duo tried everything he could think of but got no solid results. He was beginning to worry that if they didn't find this man soon, his plans would be carried out and they would be too late. He needed to continue his research, but he couldn't make himself get out of bed.
He rolled over and realized he was alone, an overwhelmingly strange feeling invading him. He forgot about the work he needed to do as the thoughts of Heero took over his mind. Heero was gone. Duo was alone and it hit him right in the heart. As he had done every morning since he had received the ring, his thumb moved to touch the golden band that was now gone. He felt its absence as much as he felt Heero's. Staring at the closed curtains of the large window, every emotion came rushing back. He barely managed to suppress them, not wanting a repeat of the previous night, but they were still felt. He was able to make the hatred and hurt the most prominent, since they were the easiest to deal with. They were the ones who kept him going now, not the pain, not the betrayal, not the shame. He felt immense hatred for Heero and Relena and it nearly consumed him.
He wanted to scream 'Why?!' but he remained silent, staring at the white linen curtains.
Earl heard the rustling of sheets and stood from his place on the floor. He moved to stand beside the bed, laying his head near Duo's, asking for attention and reminding the boy that he was not completely alone. Duo looked up at him and smiled as the dog looked at him with large, round, honest eyes. Smiling, Duo rubbed Earl's ears until the dog decided it was enough and jumped upon the bed, finding a comfortable position and returning to sleep.
Duo blinked for a few minutes, trying hopelessly to wake himself up. After a while, he decided it was pointless and rolled over, returning to sleep where the emotions didn't follow him.
Quatre came in and glanced at the clock as he ran to Duo's side. It was two forty-two in the morning. Quatre held back for a moment, but when Duo continued to stir and moan in his sleep, he placed his hand on the boy's shoulder.
"Duo? Duo wake up - you're having a nightmare," Quatre said quietly, trying to wake his friend.
Quatre gently shook him and Duo jerked awake. He looked up at his blonde friend with panicked eyes. Beads of sweat gathered on his forehead and above his lips. Slowly realizing where he was and what was going on, he relaxed against the pillows. His hands moved through his hair, pushing the bangs away from his sticky forehead and after gathering himself, he turned and looked at Quatre.
The blonde's eyes were scared, worry apparent in the blue orbs. "You okay?" he asked.
Duo nodded, not really able to speak.
"D'you wanna talk about it?"
Duo didn't respond. He wasn't sure whether he wanted to talk about the dream he had been having. He didn't want to think about it. "Just a bad dream," he finally said.
"No shit," Quatre laughed, trying to lighten the mood, "I meant, did you want to talk about whatever the dream was about."
"Just Heero," Duo admitted before he could stop himself.
Quatre's eyes narrowed and leaned forward. "What about him?"
"I don't know," Duo said, running his hands through his hair again in an attempt to massage away the headache, "It wasn't really clear."
"You miss him, don't you?"
Duo turned and looked at him, a bit surprised and defensive. "Why would I be missing him?" he asked, turning away to stare at the dark ceiling. He suddenly wished Quatre would leave.
"C'mon, Duo. Just because he cheated on you doesn't mean you stop loving him. You still love him, you know it and you know you're missing him." He stared at Duo for a moment, a bit regretful that he had let his voice get too harsh, but relieved that he'd finally said his piece.
Duo returned the boy's stare, not knowing what to say. He tried a few times to formulate a decent response, but every sense failed him. All he could say was in a whisper, "I know."
They sat in silence for a while, neither knowing what to say now. Earl, having been lying on the bed near Duo's feet, scooted closer to Quatre, wanting some attention but not receiving any.
"I lived in the perfect world for a while," Duo finally said, barely whispering loud enough for Quatre to hear him, "And he ended it. He lied and I hate him for it. But I still love him and no matter what I do I can't stop thinking about him. I don't want to love him any more, Quatre. I just want to move on, I don't want to waste any more of my time on him…"
Quatre interrupted him. "You really think the past few years have been a waste of time?"
"Yes," Duo blurted out, "It's all been a lie…"
"All of it?"
"Yes!" Duo's voice rose and before he knew it he was yelling. "He lied about everything - about loving me, about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me, about everything, Quatre! And if it wasn't all a lie, I don't know how to tell what was and what wasn't because I can't tell with him anymore - I thought I knew how to tell if he was lying, but apparently I can't. I can't even tell if the person I love the most and spend the most time with is lying to me…" He trailed off, stopping himself, not wanting to say more since he'd already said too much. He sat up, pulling his legs up to his chest and letting his head fall forward, resting his forehead on his knees. Taking in a steady breath, he looked up at Quatre with hardened eyes. "I'm alright," he said.
Quatre, to Duo's silent thanks, got the hint and stood up from the bed. "Make sure he gets some sleep," Quatre ordered Earl, patting the dog softly on the head. "See ya in the morning Duo."
Duo managed a smile and once Quatre was out of the room, he let out a deep, unsteady breath. Closing his eyes, the dream flashed in front of him and with it the pain it evoked. He sat there in the dark for a few minutes, legs held tight to his chest and his head still bent forward. He couldn't stop himself and he suddenly hated himself for it as tears began to run down his cheeks and sobs erupted from his throat.
He cried and his heart began to break. The despair consumed him and it seemed as if the immense darkness he found himself swimming in would never be lifted. His head swarmed with questions and his heart cried in pain. He couldn't do anything to fight it; once he let one tear fall, the others were unable to be stopped.
For the first time in a week, Duo left his room in search of food. He left the kitchen after discovering some strawberry Pop-Tarts and made his way back to his room, fully ready to drown himself in daytime television. As he was passing the office, Duo heard Quatre's voice speaking without answer, in an accusing tone. Curiosity pricked, he nudged the door open and listened quietly, Pop-Tarts in one hand, the other mindlessly moving as his thumb rubbed the empty spot above his ring finger's knuckle.
"No… Heero, you…"
Duo suddenly didn't know what to do. He could go back to his room, or he could listen. Knowing Quatre was talking to Heero made his heart pound but he was too interested in how the blonde would talk to his former friend.
"You cheated on him. What do you expect?" There was silence where Duo assumed Heero was talking. "Well of course he didn't want to talk to you. Why would he? Heero, I don't think you get it - you quite literally fucked your relationship with Duo by being with Relena… No… No, he said he didn't want to talk to you and I am not going to bother him right now… I don't know, Heero, but I know you really screwed up and I don't know if you are going to be able to fix it… He hasn't even left his room - you really hurt him, Heero. I can't believe you did this…"
Not wanting to listen anymore, Duo moved away from the door and quietly returned to his room. Leaving the Pop-Tarts on the bedside table, Duo crawled into bed and buried himself under the covers. He curled into a ball, snuggling into the thick pillows in a fetal position. He was quiet and the room was quiet. He was alone and nobody could do anything about it.
His head suddenly began to swarm with foreign thoughts. Did Heero feel bad for what he did? Would it even matter? Would remorse make a difference?
He suddenly changed his mind and attempting to quiet the painful trail of thought, he reached for the remote and flipped on the television. Infomercial, infomercial, talk show, Lifetime movie, talk show… he continued to flip through the channels and refused to stop surfing until he found something to watch and take over his brain. He slowly made his way up the list of channels until he abruptly stopped.
"…national meetings earlier today held on the L1 colony. Relena Peacecraft was present at the meeting and proposed…"
Duo's ears drowned out the newscaster and his eyes focused on Relena. The blonde girl was standing on a platform, hands folded together in front of her, broad smile playing for the cameras that flashed around her. He glared at her face, willing every feature on her head to sprout warts to match her personality. Hatred began to fill him until the camera moved along the line of other government officials, passing for a moment over Relena's bodyguard, Heero Yuy.
Relena was smiling at him and whispering in his ear, seemingly happy that the man was no longer attached. She flirted with him, smiling and laughing, though the stoic boy didn't react to her comment. The television camera moved on, but then went back to them.
Images from earlier in the day were then shown, the announcer describing the events. A man then appeared on the screen and Duo nearly leapt out of his skin. Duo saw the man on the screen, who Duo instantly recognized as Brenn Malum, and couldn't help but see the uncanny resemblance he bore towards the sketch of the terrorist.
The information, like being pulled up on a computer, suddenly displayed itself within Duo's mind, all connections made. The terrorist had hacked into the Preventer files, obviously knowing what he was doing. Malum knew a lot about the Preventer database through Relena and Heero. Heero's files had been hacked into as well. It would seem logical that if you wanted to get to Relena, you needed to find any and all of her body guard's weaknesses. The terrorist leader worked for a woman of high prestige. Relena was about as high as it got. Malum was a strategist during the war, advising people as high up as Treize Khushrenada himself. He was never in the army, though. That would be why he didn't show up in the search.
So now he was planning on assassinating Relena? Duo stopped for a moment and listened as the news caster spoke.
"…next month where Ms. Peacecraft will be hosting one of the largest events of the year. Attending will be representatives from countries all over the world…"
That must be when they'll attack, Duo thought. It would be the perfect opportunity to kill Relena, along with a number of other world leaders. Shit.
= = =
As the shuttle entered the Earth's atmosphere, Duo could feel his hands begin to sweat. He rubbed his clammy palms over his jeans and closed his eyes in an attempt to relax himself. The stress continued to build, however, as the thought of seeing Heero again wouldn't leave his mind. In the month and a half since he had left Earth and been living with Quatre, he had eventually allowed himself to feel the pain. He had cried himself to sleep for two weeks straight and left more than one hole in Quatre's guestroom wall (he and Quatre had worked together to patch up the holes two days before Duo left).
Upon seeing the television broadcast and realizing who the terrorist leader was, Duo had immediately called and booked a shuttle ticket to Earth.
He had left in a hurry, but had, thanks to Quatre, found a decent apartment the previous week. He was able to pack up all his things and head to Earth, two goals in mind. He had to stop Malum from assassinating Relena. He also had to move on with his life and stop sulking about Heero.
He actually thought the whole moving-back-to-Earth-and-moving-on-with-his-life thing was a good idea as he had started to feel guilt for sponging off of Quatre for so long, even though his friend assured him it was no problem. He was confident about going back to Earth and welcomed the trip home until he actually boarded the shuttle and was forced to sit with his own thoughts for unending hours.
Sitting in his seat, surrounded by people who were occupied with their own business, Duo's head began the thought process he always hated. Surrounding Heero, the ideas seemed to have minds of their own and they refused to settle, like boats that refused to sink.
He was going to see Heero again. He had no choice. It had been his stupidity not to grab all of his things when he left for Quatre's. Now he had to go back to get those things, he had to go back and see Heero so that he could move on. He wished everything would stop going in circles.
Another thought came: he might even see Heero before getting his things. If he happened to be working when the Preventers went in to get Malum, Duo would have to confront him. The idea caused a shiver to run up Duo's spine.
He knew that thinking about it wouldn't make any difference. If he thought about it more, it wouldn't matter because he would still have to face Heero and save Relena. Trying to distract himself, he glanced at the girl next to him. She looked to be about forty, her short blonde hair beginning to lose its vibrancy. She was busy reading, her eyes focused on the page.
Duo looked at the top of the page, nosily seeing what book the girl was reading. It was a book of Shakespeare. He scanned the page, reading a line here and there for no reason in particular.
The woman looked at him and smiled nervously.
Suddenly realizing he was bothering her, he looked up and managed to smile. "Sorry," he apologized, putting a hand up in surrender, "I was just curious. My friends used one of Shakespeare's poems as their vows at their wedding. I had never read Shakespeare and I was just curious and when I saw you were reading Shakespeare I--"
The woman began to laugh and cut him off. "It's alright. No problem." She held out the book to him, still laughing. "And they're called sonnets, not poems. Here, would you like to read some?"
Duo shook his head. "No thanks. Not really in the mood for romantic reading right now."
The woman smiled again. "Love problems?"
"You could say that," Duo responded without thinking.
The woman raised an eyebrow, prompting him to tell her. Duo looked back at the woman, his indigo eyes locked onto her sky blues and for no reason at all, he told her.
"My boyfriend cheated on me with someone I thought was my friend."
The woman looked away to focus on the back of the seat in front of her. Duo expected to be brushed off as he had before when a stranger discovered he was homosexual. He was used to it. Even after so many years of legal gay marriage and after so many other, more important things had happened, such prejudices still existed and Duo was no stranger to them. Instead of the expected reaction, all he got was, "Oh. I'm sorry."
He was a relieved that this woman wasn't homophobic and the thoughts quickly left his mind to be replaced with a bit of anger… but not towards her. "It's not your fault; it's his," Duo said, a little more spite coming through his voice than he would have liked.
"Did you leave him?" the woman asked.
Duo nodded.
"So you no longer love him?"
Duo frowned and after a moment of thinking, shook his head. "No," he chuckled, "No, I'm still in love with him."
Confusion passed over the woman features and she looked at him, examining his face. "Then why did you leave him?"
It was then Duo's turn to be confused, after all, he thought it was kind of obvious. "Because he cheated on me."
"On purpose? Or was it a mistake? Did he apologize?"
Duo looked at the woman for a moment. He couldn't understand why it mattered. "He said it was a mistake and he apologized. But… I can't believe him."
"You won't believe him."
Duo blinked at her but she continued before he had a chance to comment.
"Boy, I have been in more relationships than you can probably imagine. I loved a few of them, but I was in love with only one of them. He was in love with me too. But, like your love, he made a mistake and cheated. Believe me, I felt the same as you did - why stay with the bastard? I thought to myself, if he really loved me than he wouldn't have cheated, right? So I left him. He tried to get me to stay but I refused to listen. He cheated on me, why should I stay?"
She paused for a moment, watching the empathy stir in Duo's eyes.
"But he didn't give up… not for a while. He kept calling, trying to get me to come back, but I refused. I was stubborn. That man stole my heart, cheated on me and then lied about it. I felt justified. Do you know what I think of that decision now?" She leaned forward. "I hate myself for it."
Duo looked at her, searching her eyes. "Why?" he managed to whisper.
"I loved him. He truly did love me. But he was human and made a mistake and I was a bitch and didn't know how to forgive. At the time, I was more willing to be right with my convictions than happy. Believe me, boy, if you truly love this man, don't let him go. Love is something incredibly hard to find. If you found it, don't let it go because of simple human error. I am not saying you need to forgive him, but… listen to your heart and do what makes you happy. I know this road isn't making you happy…"
Duo looked down, not wanting to look at the woman any more. He shook his head. She was right, he wasn't happy.
"Just let yourself be happy. Respect yourself, certainly… don't let him get away with it, but let yourself enjoy the love you've found."
He smiled weakly at her and turned to look out the window. He could see the horizon of the Earth's surface against the blackness of space and remembered all the times he had spent out there in the seat of his Gundam.
Should he forgive Heero? No. He couldn't; his heart wouldn't let him. But his heart was begging to be with Heero at the same time. He missed the stoic man so much his chest hurt and he couldn't figure out how to stop the pain.
He purposefully began to caress his ring finger, suddenly missing the golden ring more than ever. He missed it, he realized. He missed having that ring around his finger, constantly assuring him that he was wanted. It was gone, though, and so was the desired feeling. But a part of his heart was happy for the ring's absence. Knowing that the ring no longer stood for anything meant the sentimentality of it was gone with the promises it represented.
There were so many conflicting feelings swarming in his heart and mind, he didn't know which ones to listen to. Go back to Heero to appease one part of his heart? Or stay away to calm another? He hated the situation his ex-lover had caused.
Heero had promised him, Duo's heart would continually scream, why did he break the promise?
Duo stopped his train of thought, knowing that it would lead nowhere. He had been asking himself the same questions for the past month and a half and none of them were answerable without Heero. He refused to ask the man who had hurt him, though. His thoughts would have to remain unsatisfied.
He leaned his forehead on the window, feeling the faint coolness of space seep through the glass. Closing his eyes, he tried to calm himself again. He steadied his breathing and slowed his heart rate. His body was now calm, but his mind wasn't, the words the woman had spoken flying like hunting eagles in his head. He couldn't make a decision regarding Heero. He was beginning to think he would never be ready to face him again.
But he had no choice and as the shuttle continued its decent to Earth, Duo continued to try and relax his mind and ease the anxiety that was building up in his stomach. Ready or not, Duo did have a job to do.
= = =