Late Night Regrets
Part Two: Susan
She nursed the warm cup of hot chocolate in her hands. Her body was practically screaming out for coffee, but since she agreed to breast-feed for the time being, she couldn't have caffeine. And she ready to strangle Chuck when she smelled the rich aroma of the dark, black, energy-giving substance. She didn't have a problem. Coffee was her life. She needed it to survive, especially lately. She loved her son to death, but he was giving her grey hair already. Well at least not tonight. Tonight he was Chuck's problem. After all, the kid got his set of lungs and attitude. She sat on the back deck, clenching her sweater tighter around her. Okay, so maybe sitting outside wasn't such a good idea, but she was too comfortable to move. Her legs still hurt, although they had finally gone back to a normal size. Men had it way too easy. She set her cup on the table next to her and starred out at the city. The clear moon cast a glow on the towers, and she could see the city still bustling with late night activity. Oh, what she would give to be young and to be able to run around till four in the morning. The most fun she's had lately is shoving a bowling ball out of a key whole, also known as giving birth. She had talked to Carol a few days before she had gone into labor, and she said it was better the second time around. Hell, there was definitely not going to be a second time, unless they figure out a way for men to conceive, carry around a child for nine months, and shove it out of their body. One unplanned baby was enough, but of course, if a second one decided to pop in to say hello, it wouldn't be the end of the world.
Simon's baptism was coming around in a few weeks, and they needed to figure out who the godparents were going to be. She wanted someone close to them, someone that she could rely on and would be there for her son. Although they weren't exactly the model Catholics, they both believed in God, and wanted their son to have the option available to him. Even if he didn't choose to follow their religion, at least he was given something to grow up with. She couldn't decide who she wanted, and the pact she had made that drunken night on the lakefront still hung in the back of her mind. She had an exceptionally bad day, a few years back, and Mark decided to drag her out to get a drink. One drink suddenly turned into seven, and they were both blathering like idiots. Then they decided to go down to the lakefront for a walk, but ended up sitting on the big concrete steps and making fun of each other. It was that night she learned of Mark's suffering over Jen and Rachel. He only wanted to give them a good life, he loved both of them so much, but in the end, decided it was better if they weren't together. In an awkward attempt to cheer him up, she promised him heir to the godfather throne of her first born. Yes. Those exact words. He let out a laugh and threw a pile of shredded grass her way. He might have forgotten it years later, but she still remembered. She kept her promises. Although this one would be impossible to keep.
The tears began to pool in her eyes, but she blamed the cold wind. She knew better than that. She missed him. She had met him her first day as a resident, when he volunteered to help her find her way around the hospital. He was always patient and soft-spoken. He had a way with patients, he made them feel at ease. Hell, she remembered when he even had hair. He had become her first real friend in a strange new city. He always managed to cheer her up when something bad happened. Of course the early years were rocky, she was a new resident and he was chief resident. She was under his authority, and of course, they had quarrels. They would disagree on patients, on cases, on diagnosis, but at the end, all was forgiven and forgotten. Sometimes she just wanted to hit him upside the head for not trusting her abilities. Other times she was glad he was watching her back. He had been a true friend to all who knew him, especially to her.
There were some times that just stuck out in her mind, good times and bad times, but all memories of him none the less. She remembered Carter's residency, how on his second night on call they had snuck in and put a cast on his leg while he slept. It was the funniest thing when they paged Carter and he came running out, almost tripping over the floor. Another time, he had shown his devotion to her. It was right around the time Chloe came for Suzie. She had raised Suzie for all that time, she loved her like a daughter, and suddenly Chloe came and snatched her away. It wasn't fair. It hadn't been right. And somehow, through it all, Mark had been there every time she called. He had understood her without having to say a word. He covered her patients if she needed a minute, he managed to put a smile on her face with a stupid joke or a silly story. He had really been one of a kind.
Would she be right here, right now, if she had stayed that day? She wanted to see her niece, and the only way of doing that was leaving. But how did she know she would be missing so much by going off? She knew the world would go on without her, but her past controlled her present those few months in Arizona. She had thought about Chicago a lot, especially Mark. She simply missed him. She knew he loved her, but why couldn't she tell him she felt the same? Was she afraid of losing her best friend? Or was she more afraid of getting hurt? Whatever the case might have been, it was too late when she came back. He was engaged, expecting a baby. She knew a little about his life, but the once-frequent phone calls had grown less and less in frequency, and it surprised her if she talked to him at least once every six months. She hadn't known about his tumor, and she soon came to realize that she knew little about him during all the time she spent away. Was that her biggest regret? Not staying in Chicago? Leaving Mark after all he had done for her, for all the feelings between them. It seemed almost sadistic.
When she returned, he was the first one inviting her, arms wide open. He didn't' have any hostilities over how she had left, or the distance that had grown between them. He had helped her find an apartment, set her life up, and without him, she wouldn't have come back to County. She knew he had a new life, one that didn't include her, but she cherished the times they did manage to get a night out together. They would sit and joke about old times, the pranks they pulled, the staff, the stories. Mark still talked to Doug. She kept in contact with Carol. They would fill out the details of the two-sided stories, and have a laugh over how long it took the two of them to get together. Even after over four years, he hadn't' changed. They managed to read each other's minds on orders, and both had gained a little more confidence. He teased her when something didn't go her way, a much needed break from the hectic situation in the ER.
She had heard the rumors about Mark's tumor, but she didn't believe them at first. It took her a while to get the nerve to talk to him about it. It was then that she began to savor her friendship with him. She had almost lost him. He could have died then, and she would have never gotten the chance to see him, or tell him that she still loved him, that she would always be there for him, like the friend that he had always been to her. She had taken him for granted, and she never wanted to do that again.
When she saw him sitting out on that bench, her heart almost sank. She instantly knew something horrible was wrong. She knew about Elizabeth, Ella, and Rachel, but something besides that was bothering him. He sat out there, starring at the wall in front of him. He was barely moving, he looked half dead. She had a vague idea of what might have happened, but she didn't want to believe it. She refused to even admit it to herself. Her best friend was dying. His days were numbered. She dragged him home that night, much to his objection. He couldn't be alone after chemo, but he was stubborn. He was in mental and physical pain, and there was nothing she could do about it but sit there and hold him. She held him through the night, crying herself to sleep after she was sure he was out. He was such a good man, he hadn't deserved any of it. Why did he have to be the one to leave? Why not some druggie on the street that no one needed or wanted around? Why not a murderer or a rapist? Why Mark?
He left work, after a silent good-bye with her that night. She wanted to stay strong for him, she didn't cry until he walked out of the lounge. She collapsed against the lockers, her eyes burning like acid. She cried for days in bed, the uncertainty was eating her up alive. Elizabeth went to join him in Hawaii. He had spent the most time there when he was growing up. It was the only place he felt he was at home. How would she have dealt if she had been in Elizabeth's place? How much more would she have writhed? She had the chance to be in Elizabeth's position, but she chose to deny it. She suffered all the more for it.
The day the letter came, she couldn't remember what was going on, where she was. She couldn't concentrate or focus. All her patients blurred together, all the memories played themselves in the back of her mind. She kept on expecting Mark to turn a corner any second, and ask her opinion on a case. She still expected it, even almost two years later. She had lost her best friend, and a part of her soul had been taken too. She wished he was still her, his cute bald head, his carefree attitude, his loving demeanor. He had been so much more to her.
She wished he was here. She wondered what he would have said about Elizabeth and Ella. Or about her relationship with Chuck. Mark knew for a while about Carter and Abby, and he probably would have eventually pushed them together, both times. Carter knew Mark for all his years here. He had taken a special dedication to Carter after the drug addiction and rehab. He and Abby were close, also. He had saved her so many times as a medical student. He had always believed in her. Kerry wasn't the same person without him, they despised each other, but managed to get along at the same time. They were always together to lecture someone about what they were doing wrong. The "Mob Squad" or whatever was decided they were called. If they were together, that meant trouble. Mark had affected everyone on staff, everyone he had ever come in contact with. He was a super-hero, a star, prince. Everything a woman could ever want. He was a doctor, someone who saved lives and gave hope. He had been invincible in the white, although he never believed it.
Slowly life went on, but she would catch herself thinking about him the odd moment. She saw a little bit of Mark in Carter. She saw a lot of Mark in both Ella and Rachel. She wished he was still here, but she knew he was still a part of her life. The only thing she had now was to look back and regret leaving. She would have had all the more memories with him. She had skipped out on time with him. Time that she would never get back again. Yet somehow she knew he was up there somewhere, watching over all of them. Somewhere up in the scattered stars, probably the one shining the brightest. She blew a kiss up into the starred night. The words I love you were whispered into the wind. He'd eventually get the message. And when he did she could see him laughing and teasing her for crying over him. Yet, she couldn't help it. She whipped away the last few drops on her cherry red cheeks and went inside to rescue her husband from the horrors of their son. There was no use thinking about what could have been, she had to look forward, to the present and the future, and make sure she never made the same mistake again. She had to have every relationship count, every last second on the earth count. Or else she would be regretting that too.
Author's Notes: Thank you so much for the reviews and input! It makes me want to continue writing... Anyways this is my first shot at writing Susan... It took me a while, cause she's got a little bit of sarcasm and humour to her, but a good heart. So I hope you enjoyed it... And please review!!!