xii. girl anachronism
you can tell
from the scars on my arms
and the cracks in my hips
and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that I'm not the carefullest of girls.
The mountain was dry, ragged, and craggy, with as much character as a face. Nakuru wiped her brow, sighing dramatically.
She had been climbing this god-forsaken mountain for what seemed like hours. The thick wool of her uniform's skirt and blazer was excruciating. Hot, itchy, and absolutely horrid. It dragged across her skin, finding new ways each hour to hurt her scabs and lumps and bruises.
She couldn't believe how she was letting herself go.
Sighing again, and silently unbuttoning her blazer and throwing it over her shoulder, Nakuru plodded along the mountain, feeling like a zombie.
you can tell
from the glass on the floor
and the strings that're breaking
and I keep on breaking more
and it looks like I am shaking
but it's just the temperature
Had she-? Yes! Her eyes widened as she stared out at the peak of the mountain. She had reached the top!
She started to walk again, but a voice-"Just where do you think you are going?"-stopped her. Nakuru turned.
Sitting on a throne-shaped rock was the Superego, a smirk on its face. The Id stood behind its sibling (or other half...a puzzle piece indeed), and the Ego sat on one of the arms of the rock.
Three's a sacred number, isn't it?
They were a triumvirate, and they almost were the other three...furies. Yes. Except that here, and now, they were the Psyche...they always were in power, no matter where they were.
A lazy smile played on the Superego's features. "Here I am..." it said in a sing-songy voice. "Are you ready to play?"
There was a tap on Nakuru's shoulder. She turned, fear in her eyes...to meet the eyes of Hope.
"I am Hope," she said simply. It. (Do ideas have genders?) "Take my hand."
Nakuru's hand wobbled out and...
"Good."
It got dark.
and then again
if it where any colder I could disengage
if I where any older I would act my age
Darkness. Swallowing...hungry, hungry, darkness. A chair, and a spotlight. This scene was familiar.
And the High Inquisitor for this trial was Hope, sitting as a judge. The Triumvirate sat in lesser seats around it.
There was a faint sound of feathers, of wings, like in the poem.
And if you are human you have no soul.
"But I am human."
We are disappointed. We already went over this, didn't we?
"Look, I have two eyes-ten fingers, ten toes-a brain, a mind-I am not an animal..."
Didn't we?
"Y..yes."
And dolls...
"Who said I was a doll?!"
It's common knowledge.
"I am my own person!"
Humans always feel the need to create...but, as their fickle nature decrees, they soon grow bored, restless, abandon their toys...
"I am not a doll!"
Oh, dear, where have we heard that one before? It's almost funny, isn't it...?
"I'm human!"
The question is...what do you fear?
"Nothing!"
[...]
"...to be disliked."
What do you fear?
"To be unloved..."
This is called anxiety.
"I fear..."
"I fear..."
Anxiety is a very human emotion. However, it can be pre-programmed into a hard drive, or something along those lines.
"And so you're saying I'm a robot?"
No, don't be stupid. Merely...a closely rendered copy.
Make that very closely rendered.
"I'm human."
Fatal flaws, though, make you imperfect, and, therefore, not human.
"Eriol says no one's perfect."
He doesn't want to hurt the feelings he places on you, like someone would do to a pet.
"I fear being disliked, don't I?"
"Is anyone there?"
"Answer the question?"
[...]
"I hate being alone."
And who?
"Touya dislikes me. If no one likes me, I am unworthy. I am nothing."
Human behavior.
"Touya-kun, I love you..."
But of course you really didn't, because you are a liar.
"Doesn't anyone love me?"
You are merely a cheap copy, taking up the space another human could have used!
"I...I..."
Selfish!
"I'm alone, so I'm lonely...There's no difference!"
The ugliest word in your mind is selfish. If you are to be female (thus becoming closer to humanity), you must be caring, unselfish, and give yourself up for the one's you love. But these are not bonds, so you find nothing wrong with doing things for your own end. Bonds, you believe, would strengthen you, but you have none.
[an ugly red word spray-painted on my mind]
Selfish!
"I'm sorry."
And you are a liar, as well. Oh, what can be done? Is there a method in this madness? They lied, too! Selfish! Pinning the blame on others...
There are lights in her mind, making everything except her sobbing body and the plastic chair she sits on, disappear, and she is glad.
but I don't think that you'd believe me
it's
not
the
way
I'm
meant
to
be
it's just the way the operation made me.
Why is it so dark out?
It's the same way inside her mind.
She bites the insides of her cheeks to keep from screaming
and
one by one
the tears
f a l l.
and you can tell
from the state of my room
that they let me out too soon
and the pills that I ate
came a couple years too late
Inside the hospital room, Eriol and Kaho, dressed soberly in black, waited for the earthquake of tears to come as they watched they unconscious, broken body of the guardian struggle
but the tears never came.
Inside the Kinomoto residence, a wake was being held for a little girl stuck in the dreamland, her body sleeping soundly in a ditch off to the right of the road.
Inside a fairy-tale mansion, a girl sat, chained to her memories, poking at the ashes of what had once been the living room, and was now only dust.
Humans are always remembered in history for their mistakes.
and I've got some issues to work through
there I go again
pretending to be you
make-believing
that I have a soul beneath the surface
trying to convince you
it was accidentally on purpose.
Why is it that teachers always bombard students with work in the last two weeks of school?
This is actually only the first half of this chapter...sorry