Chapter 2: 1 Tequila, 2 Tequila, 3 Tequila, Floor
"Hello Master," Alucard said in his usual demeanor.
"Sit!" commanded Integra not looking up from her paperwork.
Alucard sat down opposite his master as she flipped through a huge binder. Two smaller binders were stacked off to her right. Their spines read "Property of County Orphanage" and "Property of County Sperm Bank".
"I trust you had a dialogue with Seras," she said as she turned the page.
"Yes," said Alucard, "but Police Girl probably won't remember anything. She could barely stand when I left."
"And whose fault is that?!" accused Integra.
"Her own," said Alucard, "I did warn her."
"Knowing you, Alucard, it wasn't a warning, it was a threat."
"What can I say? I learned from the best," said Alucard smugly.
"I don't blame her for disobeying and I trust it won't happen in the future." said Integra icily.
Alucard would have made another snide remark, but his train of thought was broken by knocking at the door.
"Come in!" said Integra curtly as she slammed the binder in front of her shut.
Walter walked in carrying a crystal tumbler filled with brandy and two matching glasses, "How goes the search?" he asked eyeing the binders.
"Not well," grumbled Integra.
"Hello, Walter," said Alucard with his usual grin from ear to ear.
"Lord Alucard," groused Walter.
Alucard chuckled as Walter sat the glasses on the desk and poured the brandy.
"Will there be anything else this evening, Sir?" asked Walter.
"No Walter, that will be all," said Integra.
"Then just one final inquiry, Sir," said Walter replacing the stopper into the neck of the tumbler.
"Yes, Walter what is it?" asked Integra rather wearily.
"What is to be done with Miss Victoria's crustation (sp?) friend?"
It was true, in Alucard's haste to return Victoria to her coffin he just scooped her up and went through a portal, completely for getting about the lobster that had attached itself to his fledgling. Walter had been able to remove it and bring it up to the kitchen.
"Where is it now?" asked Integra.
"On the kitchen table trying to take off our most recent recruit's fingers," said Walter.
"Throw it in the freezer for tonight, steam it tomorrow and I'll have it for dinner-Dismissed."
"Yes, Sir," Walter made a small bow and left closing the door behind him.
"I though he'd never leave," said Alucard sarcastically as he leaned back in his chair and lengthening his legs, revealing a sizable package.
"I'll thank you to cross your legs," said Integra taking off her glasses and rubbing her eyes.
"As you wish, Master," said Alucard sporting his usual grin.
She sighed at her servant's arrogance as she rose from her chair and picked up the brandy glasses. She handed one to Alucard.
"What's the occasion?" he asked rather intrigued that his master would choose to drink with him.
"To failed attempts and French water-" she said not particularly pleased.
-------------
Well the night wore on as generally all nights do, but this one in particular was different. Rather than stopping after the first glass of brandy they emptied the tumbler. The next morning when Walter went to wake his mistress, she was no where to be found in her room and when he went to check her office all he found was the empty tumbler and the two glasses on the floor.
"She must have been summoned by the Queen," thought Walter as he straightened up, although it was odd she didn't leave a note. He had a sinking feeling, but put it aside and went about his daily routine.
A half-hour after sundown Walter thought it best to rouse Alucard, considering his bad tendency of sleeping in.
Walter walked into the darkened room with a blood packet in a silver bucket with ice. He set the bucket down on the table then turned on the light and rolled his eyes at the pile of clothes on the floor, "Really Lord Alucard at your age one would think you would be in the habit of picking up after yourself!"
He hit the control to open the coffin.
"What the?!" Walter bent to examine the pile of clothes, "Is that what I think it is?"-It looked like a pair of women's pink underwear.
The lid stopped at the ceiling. Walter looked into the coffin and nearly had a heart attack-
There draped over Alucard's chest was none other than Integra, both seemingly naked and only a thin, white, cotton blanket covered the tangled mass of limbs.
"SIR?!" he shouted in sheer shock.
"Wha-?" Integra came to slowly, "Ugh, Walter what time is it?"
"I believe that's the least of your worries, Sir," said Walter still quite shaken.
"Huh?" Integra looked down, "ALUCARD?!"
The vampire's wine colored eyes shot open, "MASTER?!"
Needless to say both parties were shocked.
Integra wrapped the blanket around her torso, exposing Alucard's chest, "Are you wearing my BRA?!"
"Why would I be-" Alucard stopped mid sentence and looked down at his chest, "I guess I am," he started to laugh at the sheer idiocy of the situation.
"Well I'm glad you find this so amusing!" shouted Integra, then something dawned on her, "More importantly is Seras awake?"
"Yes, she's upstairs attempting to teach Wedge how to fetch, Sir," said Walter.
"Wedge?! Is that a new recruit?" asked Integra.
"No, Sir, it's her lobster-the one you were going to have for dinner." (AN: Wedge- as in the sense of a lemon wedge considering lemons are squeezed on lobsters)
"Well, make sure she's occupied until we're able to compose ourselves!"
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1 Month Later-
8:00 pm
"DAMNIT, WALTER, JUST BRING ME A PAIR OF PANTS THAT FIT!" yelled Integra, but I figure you already got the yelling part.
"Sir, are you sure you want to go on tonight's mission?-I mean you have been throwing up for the past to hours," said Walter respectfully.
"Walter, I am not going to let a 24 hour flu get in the way of my job!" said Integra as she went to light a cigar.
"Uh, Sir, I don't know if I would-" said Walter hesitantly.
Integra froze with the flame of her lighter just millimeters from the tip of the cigar dangling from her lips.
Click-she shut the lighter.
"Just what are you getting at?" she asked in a dangerous tone.
"Why don't we make a deal? While I go in search of some larger trousers, why don't you take this into the bathroom?" asked Walter holding out a white paper bag.
"What is it?!" Integra accepted the bag and visibly paled when she opened it. "A pregnancy test?!"
"Hello Master," Alucard said in his usual demeanor.
"Sit!" commanded Integra not looking up from her paperwork.
Alucard sat down opposite his master as she flipped through a huge binder. Two smaller binders were stacked off to her right. Their spines read "Property of County Orphanage" and "Property of County Sperm Bank".
"I trust you had a dialogue with Seras," she said as she turned the page.
"Yes," said Alucard, "but Police Girl probably won't remember anything. She could barely stand when I left."
"And whose fault is that?!" accused Integra.
"Her own," said Alucard, "I did warn her."
"Knowing you, Alucard, it wasn't a warning, it was a threat."
"What can I say? I learned from the best," said Alucard smugly.
"I don't blame her for disobeying and I trust it won't happen in the future." said Integra icily.
Alucard would have made another snide remark, but his train of thought was broken by knocking at the door.
"Come in!" said Integra curtly as she slammed the binder in front of her shut.
Walter walked in carrying a crystal tumbler filled with brandy and two matching glasses, "How goes the search?" he asked eyeing the binders.
"Not well," grumbled Integra.
"Hello, Walter," said Alucard with his usual grin from ear to ear.
"Lord Alucard," groused Walter.
Alucard chuckled as Walter sat the glasses on the desk and poured the brandy.
"Will there be anything else this evening, Sir?" asked Walter.
"No Walter, that will be all," said Integra.
"Then just one final inquiry, Sir," said Walter replacing the stopper into the neck of the tumbler.
"Yes, Walter what is it?" asked Integra rather wearily.
"What is to be done with Miss Victoria's crustation (sp?) friend?"
It was true, in Alucard's haste to return Victoria to her coffin he just scooped her up and went through a portal, completely for getting about the lobster that had attached itself to his fledgling. Walter had been able to remove it and bring it up to the kitchen.
"Where is it now?" asked Integra.
"On the kitchen table trying to take off our most recent recruit's fingers," said Walter.
"Throw it in the freezer for tonight, steam it tomorrow and I'll have it for dinner-Dismissed."
"Yes, Sir," Walter made a small bow and left closing the door behind him.
"I though he'd never leave," said Alucard sarcastically as he leaned back in his chair and lengthening his legs, revealing a sizable package.
"I'll thank you to cross your legs," said Integra taking off her glasses and rubbing her eyes.
"As you wish, Master," said Alucard sporting his usual grin.
She sighed at her servant's arrogance as she rose from her chair and picked up the brandy glasses. She handed one to Alucard.
"What's the occasion?" he asked rather intrigued that his master would choose to drink with him.
"To failed attempts and French water-" she said not particularly pleased.
-------------
Well the night wore on as generally all nights do, but this one in particular was different. Rather than stopping after the first glass of brandy they emptied the tumbler. The next morning when Walter went to wake his mistress, she was no where to be found in her room and when he went to check her office all he found was the empty tumbler and the two glasses on the floor.
"She must have been summoned by the Queen," thought Walter as he straightened up, although it was odd she didn't leave a note. He had a sinking feeling, but put it aside and went about his daily routine.
A half-hour after sundown Walter thought it best to rouse Alucard, considering his bad tendency of sleeping in.
Walter walked into the darkened room with a blood packet in a silver bucket with ice. He set the bucket down on the table then turned on the light and rolled his eyes at the pile of clothes on the floor, "Really Lord Alucard at your age one would think you would be in the habit of picking up after yourself!"
He hit the control to open the coffin.
"What the?!" Walter bent to examine the pile of clothes, "Is that what I think it is?"-It looked like a pair of women's pink underwear.
The lid stopped at the ceiling. Walter looked into the coffin and nearly had a heart attack-
There draped over Alucard's chest was none other than Integra, both seemingly naked and only a thin, white, cotton blanket covered the tangled mass of limbs.
"SIR?!" he shouted in sheer shock.
"Wha-?" Integra came to slowly, "Ugh, Walter what time is it?"
"I believe that's the least of your worries, Sir," said Walter still quite shaken.
"Huh?" Integra looked down, "ALUCARD?!"
The vampire's wine colored eyes shot open, "MASTER?!"
Needless to say both parties were shocked.
Integra wrapped the blanket around her torso, exposing Alucard's chest, "Are you wearing my BRA?!"
"Why would I be-" Alucard stopped mid sentence and looked down at his chest, "I guess I am," he started to laugh at the sheer idiocy of the situation.
"Well I'm glad you find this so amusing!" shouted Integra, then something dawned on her, "More importantly is Seras awake?"
"Yes, she's upstairs attempting to teach Wedge how to fetch, Sir," said Walter.
"Wedge?! Is that a new recruit?" asked Integra.
"No, Sir, it's her lobster-the one you were going to have for dinner." (AN: Wedge- as in the sense of a lemon wedge considering lemons are squeezed on lobsters)
"Well, make sure she's occupied until we're able to compose ourselves!"
-------------
1 Month Later-
8:00 pm
"DAMNIT, WALTER, JUST BRING ME A PAIR OF PANTS THAT FIT!" yelled Integra, but I figure you already got the yelling part.
"Sir, are you sure you want to go on tonight's mission?-I mean you have been throwing up for the past to hours," said Walter respectfully.
"Walter, I am not going to let a 24 hour flu get in the way of my job!" said Integra as she went to light a cigar.
"Uh, Sir, I don't know if I would-" said Walter hesitantly.
Integra froze with the flame of her lighter just millimeters from the tip of the cigar dangling from her lips.
Click-she shut the lighter.
"Just what are you getting at?" she asked in a dangerous tone.
"Why don't we make a deal? While I go in search of some larger trousers, why don't you take this into the bathroom?" asked Walter holding out a white paper bag.
"What is it?!" Integra accepted the bag and visibly paled when she opened it. "A pregnancy test?!"