Author's Note: It seemed to me that Cell, for the most part, was a
level-headed fighter during the Cell Games, except when he powered up to
full, upon which he went berserk. It almost makes sense for Gero to plan
that into Cell, because if he ever faced an opponent that much more
powerful, it would probably be Goku, and Gero wanted him dead, so it was
smart to make sure his android wouldn't have second thoughts. Why he would
have second thoughts, I don't know, since Cell isn't in the least human, so
empathy wouldn't be hardwired into him. Don't get me wrong about Gohan, I
actually rather liked him when he went Super-Saiyan Level 2, but he
actually did torture Cell for a while, which eventually led to Goku's
death. Gohan always seems like he's fighting the saiyan part of his
personality, and unlike Vegeta, who for the most part has it under control,
Trunks, who never really restrained it, especially when fighting androids,
and Goku, who used fighting as an outlet to his wild side, Gohan tried to
block it up, and when the dam broke, his human side was overwhelmed. In
this chapter, I express what I think Goku is really like, and how he
thinks. He's not nearly as stupid as most think. The next chapter will be a
Gohan angst chapter, and will be out much sooner than this one was. I like
writing angst. Oh, and since this is an AU, it won't be canon. I don't know
if I want to get Buu involved. He's a pretty stupid bad guy.
Paperwork. Of all things Cell thought his job would consist of, he didn't realize that paperwork would be most of it. It couldn't even be interesting paperwork, no, it had to be the kind of paperwork that involved reading about a bunch of technicalities that could have been summarized in one sentence. This was best exemplified in one document that ran thirty-two pages but basically said, "How do we fix the plumbing?" After a while, Cell began to wonder just how much free time the ogres had.
Some of the technicalities were just bizarre. For instance, damage to the environment actually counted against you more than mass genocide, under no circumstances could purple frondis go to heaven (what a frondi was, Cell had no idea), and anyone who liked radishes, slugs, and shrimp masala in the same meal was instantly classified as a villain and sent down to Hell. Some interesting ones were children born out of wedlock weren't born with pure souls, and there wasn't actually a heaven, in the sense most thought of it. Good souls went the same place as regular souls. Only heroes actually had a place to call their own.
Paperwork sucked, but it really didn't help that Cell was good at it. No longer did documents liter Enma's desk. They covered Cell's, and no matter how fast he tore through them, more seemed to accumulate. Which made sense, for people were always dying. Very rarely did Cell do anything else, for travel and delivery didn't take him more than a few seconds, and only about one in one billion people were strong enough to require Cell's presence.
It was after a month of this that Goku showed up for the first time, and Cell remembered something that Enma had "forgotten" to remind him of. "Hey, Cell! Wanna spar?" The fact that Cell did, rather desperately, indicated just how much he hated this. Unfortunately. . . "Can't. Paperwork." "Um, okay. When do you get off work?" "Get off?" It clicked, and Cell turned a furious face towards Enma, who was watching "Shanghai Knights" on HBO. "Enma. . ." "What is it?" The demi-god glanced at Cell, who was hovering less a foot from his face. "Why didn't you tell me about my off time?" "Um, well, it must have slipped my mind." "Good-bye, then." Cell walked towards Goku, who was watching the exchange with a slightly quizzical look on his face. "Come on, Goku. We're leaving." The saiyan's face broke out in a grin. Enma's turned panicky. "W-wait a second, you're under contract!" "Which explicitly states I work twelve hours a day. Since I haven't had any off time, that has accumulated to a month of vacation. See you in a month." "Cell!" Enma's exclamation was met with silence. Goku and Cell had teleported away.
--*--
Both saiyan and android agreed to keep their power below that of a super saiyan, because Grand Kai's planet didn't need any more property damage. They traded blows for a few minutes, Cell getting a few more in then Goku because of his memories of Piccolo, who was the most technically skilled of all the Z fighters. Cell and Goku landed after having leveled a few trees, neither actually breathing that hard but both shot through with adrenaline.
"That was a good warm up. Let's get some actual sparring in now." Goku nodded, and went back to his usual fighting pose, but grinned unexpectedly. Cell frowned, slighting perplexed. "What is it?" "Have you noticed that whenever we fight, no matter how intensely, the first few minutes are always a warm up? We don't need warm ups. I'm a saiyan. You're an android. We're both build for battle. I've never cramped or pulled a muscle in my life, and I doubt you have either. It wasn't a good warm up, just a good start to a sparring match." Cell smirked. "Well, that just adds more evidence to my theory." Goku cocked his head to one side. "What theory?" "The adrenaline that battle brings stimulates the synapses in your brain. I've seen the memories of all your past enemies; Piccolo, Vegeta, and Frieza. All noticed increased intelligence and cognitive abilities the from a fighting to non-battle situation." "Nice theory, but it's wrong." "Really." "I am rather oblivious to a lot of stuff. Social cues are completely beyond me, and so are most human taboos, like the one against nudity. However, I did grow up in the middle of a forest, so I never needed to learn any of that. People tend to assume when I don't understand that I'm stupid or slow, like when I thought Bulma's lips were bleeding when she had lipstick on. I'd never seen lipstick before. How insulted do you think Bulma or Krillin or even Chichi would get if they went to an alien planet and were considered stupid because they didn't know any of the customs? I only seem smarter in battle because I understand fighting. Peace confuses me sometimes. So does politics, and makeup, and lying to make people feel better. Most of my friends think I'm naïve when I give people second chances. I bet you think I have a faulty memory or something to be so relaxed around you so soon after you killed me." "I had always thought that your lack of intelligence was overrated, but I must admit I did wonder when you wanted to race me to the plane." "Well, if I'm stronger than someone, why shouldn't I be magnanimous? It isn't like it hasn't worked. Piccolo, Vegeta. . . even Yamcha and Tien have tried to kill me before. My only big failure is Frieza, and he had been evil so long that even I knew it was a long shot. You're stronger than I am. Of course, if you spend most of your time dead doing paperwork that might change, but I actually like you. I liked you on Earth. I respected Piccolo and Vegeta when I fought them, but I didn't like them. You like to spar, but you aren't all arrogant or angry or vengeful, and quite frankly I don't think you liked to kill people all that much. Besides, why bother with animosity in heaven? Now that I beat Pikkon, everyone seems to avoid me or stutter when they talk to me, and it is hardly paradise when you're all alone. You aren't scared of me at all." "That reminds me, Goku. How did North and West Kai's bet turn out?" He didn't bother thinking about Goku's monologue very long. Unlike most, he had never underestimated the saiyan, and all of what he had said made sense. "Both of us were disqualified for touching the roof, so neither won." "I was watching the Grand Kai while the two of you fought. He seemed nervous. He probably got out of teaching the two of you on a technicality because he thought he couldn't handle either of you." Goku shrugged. "Even if he was weaker, he's really old. I bet he knows a bunch of cool fighting techniques."
They stood in silence for a moment, before Goku lost that train of thought. "What are we standing around for? Come on, let's spar!"
--*--
Despite the lack of true power involved, both warriors were rather tired and low on power a few hours later. It was after Cell suggested a break that Goku decided to introduce the android to one of his true loves. "Cell, how about I pick us up some sushi and meat buns?" "Goku, I don't eat." "That doesn't mean you can't." "You don't need to eat either. You're dead." "Yeah, but it's fun." Cell shrugged, and Goku teleported off to get food, well, wherever you get food in heaven.
It was actually pretty good, and seemed to restore his energy. Cell doubted he would ever get the same thrill that Goku seemed to out of food, but it was an enjoyable process. He had never had to put his taste to work before.
Over the next few weeks, all they did was spar and eat. It was near the end of his vacation that Goku told him about the Metamerize. "Fusion?" "Uh huh. The best part is, it just doesn't add the power together, it multiplies it, so one fusion is way stronger than two separate people." "I'll think about it Goku, but I have to get back to being Enma's flunky for a while." "How about you work for a week straight, so we can learn fusion all in one go? I won't even spar much when you're gone. It wouldn't do me much good anyway, with no one to spar with." "Well, it isn't like there is anything else to do." "Okay. See you in a week!" Cell nodded and left. Goku was hardly disappointed with Cell's response, seeing as only one fourth of his DNA had anything resembling enthusiasm, namely him. It would be fun, though. Goku knew the chances of Gohan sparring without him around were about zero, so Cell was the most powerful person he could fuse with, dead or alive.
Goku sighed. He knew he hadn't raised Gohan well, being gone most of the time even when he wasn't dead, and letting Chichi make all the decisions. His son had grown up timid, and the beginning of his training had taught him to bottle up his emotions, which was even worse. The violence and anger Goku had felt coming from his son during the fight with Cell was extremely out of proportion to what had happened. The only person Cell had killed personally that Gohan knew at all was #16, and he had hardly been a close friend. Compared to what others had done. . . Gohan hadn't even been that angry when Dende or Krillin had died, or when Piccolo had been badly hurt. The anger had exploded. #16's death had just been the figurative straw that broke the camel's back. When you held your pain and anger and hatred in like that, it destroyed you. Knowing Gohan, the young demi-saiyan was still doing it, and there wasn't a Cell around this time to take it out on, or a Goku to assuage it. Goku only hoped that Piccolo and Chichi and Krillin would be enough to hold Gohan back from doing something stupid when Gohan's dam against himself broke. There was no telling what would happen if they weren't.
Paperwork. Of all things Cell thought his job would consist of, he didn't realize that paperwork would be most of it. It couldn't even be interesting paperwork, no, it had to be the kind of paperwork that involved reading about a bunch of technicalities that could have been summarized in one sentence. This was best exemplified in one document that ran thirty-two pages but basically said, "How do we fix the plumbing?" After a while, Cell began to wonder just how much free time the ogres had.
Some of the technicalities were just bizarre. For instance, damage to the environment actually counted against you more than mass genocide, under no circumstances could purple frondis go to heaven (what a frondi was, Cell had no idea), and anyone who liked radishes, slugs, and shrimp masala in the same meal was instantly classified as a villain and sent down to Hell. Some interesting ones were children born out of wedlock weren't born with pure souls, and there wasn't actually a heaven, in the sense most thought of it. Good souls went the same place as regular souls. Only heroes actually had a place to call their own.
Paperwork sucked, but it really didn't help that Cell was good at it. No longer did documents liter Enma's desk. They covered Cell's, and no matter how fast he tore through them, more seemed to accumulate. Which made sense, for people were always dying. Very rarely did Cell do anything else, for travel and delivery didn't take him more than a few seconds, and only about one in one billion people were strong enough to require Cell's presence.
It was after a month of this that Goku showed up for the first time, and Cell remembered something that Enma had "forgotten" to remind him of. "Hey, Cell! Wanna spar?" The fact that Cell did, rather desperately, indicated just how much he hated this. Unfortunately. . . "Can't. Paperwork." "Um, okay. When do you get off work?" "Get off?" It clicked, and Cell turned a furious face towards Enma, who was watching "Shanghai Knights" on HBO. "Enma. . ." "What is it?" The demi-god glanced at Cell, who was hovering less a foot from his face. "Why didn't you tell me about my off time?" "Um, well, it must have slipped my mind." "Good-bye, then." Cell walked towards Goku, who was watching the exchange with a slightly quizzical look on his face. "Come on, Goku. We're leaving." The saiyan's face broke out in a grin. Enma's turned panicky. "W-wait a second, you're under contract!" "Which explicitly states I work twelve hours a day. Since I haven't had any off time, that has accumulated to a month of vacation. See you in a month." "Cell!" Enma's exclamation was met with silence. Goku and Cell had teleported away.
--*--
Both saiyan and android agreed to keep their power below that of a super saiyan, because Grand Kai's planet didn't need any more property damage. They traded blows for a few minutes, Cell getting a few more in then Goku because of his memories of Piccolo, who was the most technically skilled of all the Z fighters. Cell and Goku landed after having leveled a few trees, neither actually breathing that hard but both shot through with adrenaline.
"That was a good warm up. Let's get some actual sparring in now." Goku nodded, and went back to his usual fighting pose, but grinned unexpectedly. Cell frowned, slighting perplexed. "What is it?" "Have you noticed that whenever we fight, no matter how intensely, the first few minutes are always a warm up? We don't need warm ups. I'm a saiyan. You're an android. We're both build for battle. I've never cramped or pulled a muscle in my life, and I doubt you have either. It wasn't a good warm up, just a good start to a sparring match." Cell smirked. "Well, that just adds more evidence to my theory." Goku cocked his head to one side. "What theory?" "The adrenaline that battle brings stimulates the synapses in your brain. I've seen the memories of all your past enemies; Piccolo, Vegeta, and Frieza. All noticed increased intelligence and cognitive abilities the from a fighting to non-battle situation." "Nice theory, but it's wrong." "Really." "I am rather oblivious to a lot of stuff. Social cues are completely beyond me, and so are most human taboos, like the one against nudity. However, I did grow up in the middle of a forest, so I never needed to learn any of that. People tend to assume when I don't understand that I'm stupid or slow, like when I thought Bulma's lips were bleeding when she had lipstick on. I'd never seen lipstick before. How insulted do you think Bulma or Krillin or even Chichi would get if they went to an alien planet and were considered stupid because they didn't know any of the customs? I only seem smarter in battle because I understand fighting. Peace confuses me sometimes. So does politics, and makeup, and lying to make people feel better. Most of my friends think I'm naïve when I give people second chances. I bet you think I have a faulty memory or something to be so relaxed around you so soon after you killed me." "I had always thought that your lack of intelligence was overrated, but I must admit I did wonder when you wanted to race me to the plane." "Well, if I'm stronger than someone, why shouldn't I be magnanimous? It isn't like it hasn't worked. Piccolo, Vegeta. . . even Yamcha and Tien have tried to kill me before. My only big failure is Frieza, and he had been evil so long that even I knew it was a long shot. You're stronger than I am. Of course, if you spend most of your time dead doing paperwork that might change, but I actually like you. I liked you on Earth. I respected Piccolo and Vegeta when I fought them, but I didn't like them. You like to spar, but you aren't all arrogant or angry or vengeful, and quite frankly I don't think you liked to kill people all that much. Besides, why bother with animosity in heaven? Now that I beat Pikkon, everyone seems to avoid me or stutter when they talk to me, and it is hardly paradise when you're all alone. You aren't scared of me at all." "That reminds me, Goku. How did North and West Kai's bet turn out?" He didn't bother thinking about Goku's monologue very long. Unlike most, he had never underestimated the saiyan, and all of what he had said made sense. "Both of us were disqualified for touching the roof, so neither won." "I was watching the Grand Kai while the two of you fought. He seemed nervous. He probably got out of teaching the two of you on a technicality because he thought he couldn't handle either of you." Goku shrugged. "Even if he was weaker, he's really old. I bet he knows a bunch of cool fighting techniques."
They stood in silence for a moment, before Goku lost that train of thought. "What are we standing around for? Come on, let's spar!"
--*--
Despite the lack of true power involved, both warriors were rather tired and low on power a few hours later. It was after Cell suggested a break that Goku decided to introduce the android to one of his true loves. "Cell, how about I pick us up some sushi and meat buns?" "Goku, I don't eat." "That doesn't mean you can't." "You don't need to eat either. You're dead." "Yeah, but it's fun." Cell shrugged, and Goku teleported off to get food, well, wherever you get food in heaven.
It was actually pretty good, and seemed to restore his energy. Cell doubted he would ever get the same thrill that Goku seemed to out of food, but it was an enjoyable process. He had never had to put his taste to work before.
Over the next few weeks, all they did was spar and eat. It was near the end of his vacation that Goku told him about the Metamerize. "Fusion?" "Uh huh. The best part is, it just doesn't add the power together, it multiplies it, so one fusion is way stronger than two separate people." "I'll think about it Goku, but I have to get back to being Enma's flunky for a while." "How about you work for a week straight, so we can learn fusion all in one go? I won't even spar much when you're gone. It wouldn't do me much good anyway, with no one to spar with." "Well, it isn't like there is anything else to do." "Okay. See you in a week!" Cell nodded and left. Goku was hardly disappointed with Cell's response, seeing as only one fourth of his DNA had anything resembling enthusiasm, namely him. It would be fun, though. Goku knew the chances of Gohan sparring without him around were about zero, so Cell was the most powerful person he could fuse with, dead or alive.
Goku sighed. He knew he hadn't raised Gohan well, being gone most of the time even when he wasn't dead, and letting Chichi make all the decisions. His son had grown up timid, and the beginning of his training had taught him to bottle up his emotions, which was even worse. The violence and anger Goku had felt coming from his son during the fight with Cell was extremely out of proportion to what had happened. The only person Cell had killed personally that Gohan knew at all was #16, and he had hardly been a close friend. Compared to what others had done. . . Gohan hadn't even been that angry when Dende or Krillin had died, or when Piccolo had been badly hurt. The anger had exploded. #16's death had just been the figurative straw that broke the camel's back. When you held your pain and anger and hatred in like that, it destroyed you. Knowing Gohan, the young demi-saiyan was still doing it, and there wasn't a Cell around this time to take it out on, or a Goku to assuage it. Goku only hoped that Piccolo and Chichi and Krillin would be enough to hold Gohan back from doing something stupid when Gohan's dam against himself broke. There was no telling what would happen if they weren't.