And the thought that he was tied to this place for the rest of his life, since before he was even born and probably after he died made him sick to his stomach. The kind of feeling where you ate too many cookies as you unconsciously pop them into your mouth while watching a movie on your couch at home.
These are the thoughts that go slowly through his mind as he is pulled off the side of the road, two streets from the Gilmore-Danes residence. He tried to negate all thoughts, neutralize his brain from any thoughts, good or bad. He needed to escape his body and the feeling of dread that had crept in since they hit the city limits. Sitting in the car, eyes glazed over, he remained still. At long last, he blinked when she cleared her throat. Loudly.
"Jess?"
"Yeah?"
"The car isn't moving."
"I know. I had to ... I just needed a second."
She nodded. She needed one too. She and her mother hadn't seen one another in four years. Their conversations in that time had on the surface been mostly light and normal, but they weren't real. Going into that house was real. She lapsed into his silence, glad that he was as terrified as she was.
He turned the engine over, and it went slowly and stopped, causing him to have to give it a surge of gas to get it to kick into gear. He pulled back onto the street and drove the exact speed limit, fifteen miles an hour to not draw any undue attention their way. Each and every time he'd driven into this town going a normal rate of speed, people had called the telephone chain before he got out of the car. Rory didn't need that. They didn't need that.
Lorelai was sitting out on the porch with a mug of coffee, wrapped in a shawl to keep warm in the winter air. She looked the same; her hair a little shorter than Rory remembered it. Soft streaks of gray were interlaced throughout her trademark brown locks. Her blue eyes just stood out all the more and she wore her age very gracefully.
She smiled tightly as she saw the expensive car pull into the driveway. Immediately all the bad feelings from four years ago resurfaced. She promised herself that she was going to be supportive and make this easy for them, but secretly in a dark place she held in, she hoped they were struggling. That they lived in a tiny studio apartment, barely making rent and hating their jobs. These things would take their toll eventually and Rory, her beautiful, smart daughter would come to her senses and come home.
She held onto that belief until the Jag pulled into the driveway. She saw them happy, enjoying the bustling busy life of New York and going to hip restaurants to celebrate job promotions and walking hand in hand home to their loft.
Nausea waved over her and her smile got tighter.
She stood as Rory emerged from the car, not running to greet her like she used to, but walking with trepidation towards her mother, looking her over to note any changes the last few years had brought. Rory's hair was long, wilder in a way, she wore very little make up just like always, and she looked vibrant. Full of life.
Damnit. He made her this happy.
Her smile softened at the thought, and she felt moistness gathering her eyes.
Damn. Damn.
Jess was right behind her, hanging back for a moment to let the two girls get reacquainted. Rory reached back, and he saw the light hit her ring before he wrapped her hand in his and stepped up to her side.
"Hey," came her soft voice.
"How was your trip?"
"Oh, good. Uneventful."
"Good, that's good. Well, it's freezing in here, why don't you two, come on in," she said, moving towards the door herself.
They settled into the couch, side by side, not allowing for room between them as Lorelai sat down the coffee pot and two extra mugs on the coffee table. She sat in the chair across from them. She looked at Jess, noticing he looked more comfortable in his own skin. Though at the current moment he looked like he might burst into flames.
"So, you're engaged," Lorelai pasted the smile onto her face, trying to sound interested ad upbeat. She was interested; she got facts but few details. She couldn't decide if she had wanted to hear them the last few years, but now she thought yes.
"Yeah, we're, engaged," came Rory's nervous excitement.
"So, any plans yet?"
Jess cleared his throat and spoke up. "No, not yet. It's still really new, so, we're just enjoying the moment."
"Well, that's nice. I know that's how I felt, when Luke, you know," she looked down at her coffee cup.
"Speaking of Luke, when will he be home?"
"Oh, any minute. He stays 'til close on Fridays, but he said he'd be home early. He's so proud of you two," she explained before taking a pause. "So am I," she added.
"Thanks. So, where do we sleep?"
"Oh. Well, about that. I had a couple of options for you. There's always your old room. But that would mean sofa city for one of you," she trailed off.
"Or, there's always the Inn. I'm sure we have at least one vacancy tonight."
Rory looked at Jess for a half a second, knowing his thoughts on Lorelai's mention of them sleeping apart. His grip got noticeably tighter and she stroked his hand with her thumb lightly to soothe him.
"Well, the Inn would be nice. Jess hasn't had the opportunity to see it yet," she added.
"Well, that's not my doing," Lorelai retorted under her breath.
"You know, it's late. Maybe we should just head over there and see Luke tomorrow," Rory spoke up, trying to ignore her mother's remarks.
"Uh, sure. The night manager will check you in. Were you planning on seeing Emily while you're up here?"
Rory winced. "Uh, it's on my list of things to take care of."
Lorelai nodded, but said nothing.
"We'll see you in the morning."
"Meet us at the diner around noon."
They nodded, standing up to head back to the car. Hands entwined until they reached the car, Jess walked around to open her door for her. She smiled playfully and slid into the seat.
Once into their room, they looked around at this foreign bed. The first night they'd ever spent the night in a different bed. But at least they were together.
"The inn, it's beautiful."
"Yeah, it's Mom's baby. She was insane the year they did the renovations. I was at Yale for the first time, so I didn't get caught up in much of it."
"Right." 'And I was in California.'
"So, bed?"
"Yeah."
They silently got ready for bed, Rory putting her belongings in the dresser drawers and bathroom. Jess threw his bag in the chair by the window, stripped off his clothes and slid under the sheets to wait for her with his book. He flipped through the pages, looking for the page he'd last left off on. His thoughts filled with other thoughts, finding his eyes unable to focus on the lines of text.
The two-bedroom apartment was fairly clean, thank God. His roommate had gone for the weekend to stay with his girlfriend and Jess had picked up a weeks worth of trash and dishes when he returned home from work. The fact that he'd been cleaning up after people his whole life was just something he'd learned to do living with his mother. She came into his space unannounced but breezed through as if she did it all the time. She was sitting there, on the couch they got when the old lady down the hall passed away, looking up at him with clear blue eyes.
Those eyes. It was the first thing he'd noticed about her and they were his downfall. Better than any cigarette he could ever smoke. They held hope, fear and if he wasn't mistaken, lust. He was rusty when it came to her, but that look was something he dreamt of nightly. The look in her eyes, slightly scared, slightly brazen, that meant one thing. She wanted him and him alone.
He wondered momentarily if she was still a virgin. It hadn't mattered to him then, and it didn't really matter now. It just struck him that he knew very little about her world now. Back then it had fit so nicely into perfect pigeonholes. Now she was here with him. Looking at him like she wanted to ravage his body.
Then all thought left him. He couldn't have told you his address, phone number, the current year. All he could remember was her name.
"Rory," he moaned as she pulled him down and moved slowly over him. She kissed him until he saw red, moving against her roughly and sweetly at the same time. Years of repression bubbled up through him and into his actions, though he still held himself to the same standard of reacting to her lead. But her lead was strong, undaunting and for the first time she seemed fearless. Unrelenting.
"Is there somewhere I can freshen up?" she asked suddenly, pulling herself out of his grasp.
"Uh, yeah. Bathroom, you can use mine. It's probably... safer," he managed, leading her down to his room.
She was in there for a few minutes. It seemed like an eternity. 'Was she changing her mind?' 'What the hell is going on?' thoughts of doubt and uncertainty filled his head. 'Maybe they should slow down and talk about this like the adults that they were.'
Then she appeared in the doorway between the bathroom and bedroom. Bathed in moonlight from the window next to her, the look was back in her eyes. She had her sights set on what she wanted. He swallowed hard as he ran is eyes over every last inch of her. She blushed slightly, and gave him a smile that could melt glaciers. She moved slowly to the bed, allowing him to savor every last movement.
Then they worked it out like the adults that they were.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her in the doorframe of the bathroom. His hand moved out to turn out the light, leaving the moon to illuminate the room.
"Déjà vu," he whispered, causing her to smile.
"You're beautiful," he said softly as she reached the bed, moving over her as an animal that was stalking his prey. She willingly gave herself over to him and they put all the fears, doubts and outside criticism spill out of them and worked out all their frustration and love as they strived to fuse their bond even further together.
"So, can I stay?" she asked, her voice ragged and the sheer exhaustion showing through.
"Not here," he said, kissing her temples.
Panic swept over her. He didn't want her. She wasn't sorry she'd made love to him, but the idea of going home now, without him... suddenly direction was stolen from her world.
"Oh, I understand," she managed meekly.
"We'll look for our own place tomorrow," he assured her.
"Our life begins tomorrow," she said, tears long held in escaped from her eyes.
"Our life begins tomorrow," she whispered, kissing his Adam's apple lightly after they made love.
"Marry me."
"I am," she giggled.
"Tomorrow."