Rory sat down next to her mother, who'd been mollified by the hot coffee. Rory sipped her coffee, letting the warmth flow through her as she decided on the words that her mother deserved to hear. The problem was that there were just simply too many of them. Too much left unsaid between them while she was in New York. It wasn't that she hadn't wanted to call her mom or come visit, but she was building her world with Jess so carefully. She was learning day by day his habits, what coming home to him every night meant, and was too afraid if she went home, somehow their home would alter. She knew he wouldn't come, and after that a fracture would be felt, however slight.
On some level, she just assumed her mother would understand. What else entitled you to uproot your life and turn everything upside down if not the pursuit of true love? After all, it had been her mother that had taught her to go after her dreams.
"So, you wanted to talk?" Lorelai cleared her throat, after drinking most of the first cup of coffee Rory had brought out.
"Yeah. I just wanted to talk to you. About my life, now."
Lorelai looked up, again, and her expression softened. She nodded and put her arm out over the back of the couch as if to settle in.
"I don't really know where to start," she took a breath and looked at her mom.
"Try the beginning, it usually works the best."
"Right. After I graduated, I was at the party Grandma threw for me, and all my friends and family were there. I knew I was supposed to be so relieved and happy, but all I could feel was empty. I kept hearing Jess' voice in my head, asking me to come with him that night at Yale four years earlier."
"So, you just left? How, how did you know where he was?"
Rory looked at her Mom. She had worried that she'd ask this question. She can't lie to her mother of all people. Everyone knew when she was lying, it was no use.
"I asked Luke."
Lorelai's face said it all. Surprise, shock, and anger—yep, all the biggies were there. Rory felt the air stand still around them. Her mind went in a million different directions. She wondered what her mother's response verbally would be. She wondered where her Dad and Jess had wandered off to. She wondered how Luke was taking Chris being around at all. Her thoughts were broken when Lorelai spoke.
"Luke, knew? All this time, he knew you were going off... to leave? He knew?"
"Mom, I didn't tell him anything, I just, asked him where I might be able to find Jess."
"But he knew," Lorelai reasoned.
"He probably figured it out. Please, don't be mad at him. This was all my idea. It wasn't even an idea, I just had to, Mom. I loved him, I never stopped. I was dying without him."
"You weren't dying," Lorelai retorted, as if Rory were being overly dramatic.
"I was, Mom. I was so unhappy. It had nothing to do with my education, my major, my friends, or you—I just had to see if I had a chance with him. I didn't know if he had a girlfriend, wife; I'd never talked to Luke about him at all. Only when I asked for his address."
"Maybe this was a bad idea," she said uncomfortably, shaking her head.
"No, just, promise that you won't be mad at Luke. I swear, he didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't even know, I just, left," she looked warily at her mother, who shifted, but said nothing. "So, I got there, and we just immediately knew. We knew what to do to be with the other one. No one else existed. We never talked about Stars Hollow, or the past problems. We knew what not to do, we knew we just had to be honest with each other. He's so good to me, Mom. He loves me."
"You make it sound like you don't have problems, Rory, you have to deal with the past. It won't just go away," she warned.
"We have. We don't need words. We were both past the point of needing to rehash the past. We were so happy to be back together, in a new place, with new things—it made everything seem possible."
She lay in his arms, unable to sleep. The sheets were wrapped around her in a tangle, and his arms were warming her against the cool night air coming in through the ajar window. He can't sleep without noise, and the traffic of the city pacifies him. She prefers it to the music he used to compensate in the quiet of Stars Hollow.
Stars Hollow. Her mind went to what her life might be like had she stayed. No late night Scrabble games on the floor as the Clash blared on in the background while she and Jess laughed and fought over the validity of words the other used. No coming home exhausted from work to smell homemade lasagna and fresh garlic bread finishing from the kitchen. No nights, lying in his arms as his even breath fell against her neck.
She'd be on Ms. Patty's pity list for eligible suitors. She might not have had the courage to apply for the jobs she really wanted, opting instead for the safe allure of home. She'd still have that vacuous feeling, the one that she couldn't pinpoint but knew the cause of. It'd started the day she realized Jess wasn't just headed to a local destination on that bus so many years ago.
But she wouldn't feel this guilty.
"Just, tell me one thing. Do you really want to marry him?"
"More than anything in my life. Mom, he's—he's my world," tears glistened in her eyes, and her mom moved over to put her arm around her.
"Shh, honey, it's okay," she whispered.
"You still hate him, though," she sniffed, leaning her head on her mom's shoulder.
"I don't. . . hate him. I wish things could have worked out for you differently, although I know it probably wouldn't have. I wish you had told me how you were feeling. I thought we told each other everything, you know?"
"I know. I felt so pathetic, it's been over four years, and he dominated my thoughts. I kept replaying the last time I saw him over and over, wishing I'd left with him. Wondering if we would have made it. But at the time, I couldn't imagine leaving you, and everything behind—but I figured of all people, you'd understand."
"I didn't, at first. I felt like you were choosing between him and me. I know that's crazy, I just missed you so much. I knew the way you talked that you wouldn't be around, and it just, it hurt."
"I never meant to hurt you. What we have, you have to know, it was worth giving anything and everything up for. I think about you every day, and I'm hoping, now that we're getting married, now it's finally okay enough to come visit more. Or for you guys to come see us."
Lorelai looked into her daughter's eyes. "You mean that?"
"I do. I really do. I miss you."
"I miss you too," she said, moving in to hug Rory again. They held onto each other, both relieved to be talking honestly and to just be together. By the time they pulled back, both were laughing and crying.
"So, were do you think Dad took Jess?"
"Ooh, uhh," Lorelai looked guilty.
"What?" Rory eyed her suspiciously.
"I might have told him to be a little mean to him. For kicks," she admitted.
"Mom, I thought you didn't hate him."
"I don't hate him. That doesn't mean I would deny your father his fun," she smiled.
Meanwhile, Jess sat at an uncrowded bar cracking open peanuts from a wooden bowl on the counter. Chris sat next to him, sipping his beer, looking around.
"This is just, wrong," he said.
"Yeah. But it's a bar."
"But, we're in Stars Hollow. The town doesn't even have a liquor store."
"I know. I only found this place cause Luke comes here sometimes. When he's upset. Usually over something having to do with Lorelai."
Chris nodded. "She can be challenging," he agreed.
"So, that's where Rory gets it from, you're saying," Jess smirked.
"You saying my angel isn't perfect?" Chris used the overprotective father tone.
"I'm so not going there," Jess breathed, taking a drink of his beer.
"Smart man. So, you two are really getting married tonight?"
"We are."
"Marriage isn't easy," Chris warned.
Jess tapped his fingers to the beat that was playing on the jukebox. He hated the song, but he seemed unable not to move to the beat of the music. It kept his mind half out of the conversation, a technique he'd learned years ago.
"I know that," he sighed.
"It's lots of hard work, and if you have any doubts at all—any—you shouldn't do it. Not to her and not to yourself."
"We know relationships are hard. If anyone knows that, we know that. We've seen our parents screw them up over and over again, but worst of all we've screwed ours up over and over again. But, we seem to have it right now," he smiled a little; in spite of himself and the company he was keeping. Treading lightly would be wise, but he could only speak his mind at this point. But he knew one thing—she could never do anything to make him leave. Never.
She stood there, seething at him, wanting to strangle him. The words that came out of his mouth sometimes just made her blood boil. Their arguments were similar to their love making—passionate and encompassing. Every part of her filled with frustration and the desire to show him his many faults. To gather them together like photographs, so she could prove to him that he was wrong. But he never backed down.
"It's not a big deal," he said for the fifteenth time. She really thought her hands would develop minds of their own, to smack him, strangle him or throw anything within her reach towards him.
"Jess! How can you say that? You were out of line! If you just apologized, this would all go away!" she yelled, trying to make her words penetrate his mind.
"Rory, just drop it. It's my job, it's my li--," he stopped mid-sentence.
His eyes were filled with regret the moment he realized the word almost escaped his lips. His hand went out to her form, which was backing up against the bedroom. She needed to move, she needed to be not in this room right now.
"Rory, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say--,"he moved faster than her, pulling her so she was flush up against him, her crossed arms cutting into his chest.
"Jess, let me go."
"No, not until you listen to me."
"I can hear you just fine. I heard everything just fine."
"I didn't mean it!"
"Then why would it even come into your head?"
"God, Rory! Don't read anything into this," he pleaded with her.
She looked into his eyes, knowing he hated himself for what he had thought. She knew this was just as hard for him as it was for her. The uncertainty, the frailty of their relationship. The not knowing if the other would come home that day. The wondering if the love was enough to get them through this period of hope and nerves.
"How can I not?"
Her blue eyes were glassy, as tears threatened. She knew he couldn't take the tears, but now instead of pleading with her to stop, he just held her. It's what she needed, to be free to feel, to be supported instead of chastised for her actions.
So he held her. He let her react to his words, her fists hitting him as if she were tired or hadn't eaten for days. He'd said it, and he couldn't blame her.
"I just, I know what it's like to try to make something work that just won't," Chris sighed.
"And I know what it's like to try to ignore something that's going to work, no matter how much you screw it up," Jess looked the man square in the eye.
"You two are really in love, aren't you?"
"We are."
"Just promise me you'll never let her go," Chris looked deathly serious.
"I promise," Jess nodded.
Back at the house, Rory and Lorelai discussed more events of the last four years. Rory told her of his proposal, they cried some more, and then Lorelai looked at Rory in panic.
"You don't have a wedding dress!"
"Mom, it's fine. I'm just going to wear something simple."
"I always thought I'd make your wedding dress," she sighed, feeling uneasy all over again. This wasn't supposed to be what happened. Rory deserved more than a justice of the peace marrying them in five minutes, in a dress from Old Navy and the groom in jeans. She was supposed to have months, if not a year, to prepare for this day.
"Mom, come on. It's just a day. We just want something small. It's the marriage that's important to us," she urged.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry. Mother's dreams die hard," she gave a half- hearted smile.
"I called Grandma. She asked how you were."
"We haven't exactly been close lately," Lorelai stood, picking up the coffee cups and heading into the kitchen. Rory sighed. Cleaning up meant one thing—avoidance of old issues. She stood up, stretching her legs after having sat for the last hour on the couch talking to her mother, and followed.
"Mom? What happened?"
"Huh. You're kidding, right?"
"No, what happened?"
"She blamed me, Rory! She blamed me for letting you run off like that! She railed on me for over an hour and I told her that obviously she wasn't ready for you to be an adult since she still treated me like a child. There were some colorful words exchanged, I may have told her to go to hell, and then she told me to leave. I haven't talked to her since," she scrubbed the clean coffee cup repeatedly.
"Mom, I'm so sorry! I never thought that--,"
"That's right, you didn't think! You didn't think about how your actions would effect anyone else, you just left!"
"Mom, I'm sorry! How many times do I need to tell you that?"
Lorelai looked at her, hurt filling her blue eyes, and shook her head. "I don't know," she whispered.
Rory looked at her mother, whose wounds were obviously much deeper than she'd ever imagined, and wondered for the first time if coming here had been a giant mistake. She should have stayed in New York, married Jess and lived with the consequences of her choices. This was just too painful for everyone.
"I'm sorry," she whispered one more time, before turning and exiting through the back door.
On some level, she just assumed her mother would understand. What else entitled you to uproot your life and turn everything upside down if not the pursuit of true love? After all, it had been her mother that had taught her to go after her dreams.
"So, you wanted to talk?" Lorelai cleared her throat, after drinking most of the first cup of coffee Rory had brought out.
"Yeah. I just wanted to talk to you. About my life, now."
Lorelai looked up, again, and her expression softened. She nodded and put her arm out over the back of the couch as if to settle in.
"I don't really know where to start," she took a breath and looked at her mom.
"Try the beginning, it usually works the best."
"Right. After I graduated, I was at the party Grandma threw for me, and all my friends and family were there. I knew I was supposed to be so relieved and happy, but all I could feel was empty. I kept hearing Jess' voice in my head, asking me to come with him that night at Yale four years earlier."
"So, you just left? How, how did you know where he was?"
Rory looked at her Mom. She had worried that she'd ask this question. She can't lie to her mother of all people. Everyone knew when she was lying, it was no use.
"I asked Luke."
Lorelai's face said it all. Surprise, shock, and anger—yep, all the biggies were there. Rory felt the air stand still around them. Her mind went in a million different directions. She wondered what her mother's response verbally would be. She wondered where her Dad and Jess had wandered off to. She wondered how Luke was taking Chris being around at all. Her thoughts were broken when Lorelai spoke.
"Luke, knew? All this time, he knew you were going off... to leave? He knew?"
"Mom, I didn't tell him anything, I just, asked him where I might be able to find Jess."
"But he knew," Lorelai reasoned.
"He probably figured it out. Please, don't be mad at him. This was all my idea. It wasn't even an idea, I just had to, Mom. I loved him, I never stopped. I was dying without him."
"You weren't dying," Lorelai retorted, as if Rory were being overly dramatic.
"I was, Mom. I was so unhappy. It had nothing to do with my education, my major, my friends, or you—I just had to see if I had a chance with him. I didn't know if he had a girlfriend, wife; I'd never talked to Luke about him at all. Only when I asked for his address."
"Maybe this was a bad idea," she said uncomfortably, shaking her head.
"No, just, promise that you won't be mad at Luke. I swear, he didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't even know, I just, left," she looked warily at her mother, who shifted, but said nothing. "So, I got there, and we just immediately knew. We knew what to do to be with the other one. No one else existed. We never talked about Stars Hollow, or the past problems. We knew what not to do, we knew we just had to be honest with each other. He's so good to me, Mom. He loves me."
"You make it sound like you don't have problems, Rory, you have to deal with the past. It won't just go away," she warned.
"We have. We don't need words. We were both past the point of needing to rehash the past. We were so happy to be back together, in a new place, with new things—it made everything seem possible."
She lay in his arms, unable to sleep. The sheets were wrapped around her in a tangle, and his arms were warming her against the cool night air coming in through the ajar window. He can't sleep without noise, and the traffic of the city pacifies him. She prefers it to the music he used to compensate in the quiet of Stars Hollow.
Stars Hollow. Her mind went to what her life might be like had she stayed. No late night Scrabble games on the floor as the Clash blared on in the background while she and Jess laughed and fought over the validity of words the other used. No coming home exhausted from work to smell homemade lasagna and fresh garlic bread finishing from the kitchen. No nights, lying in his arms as his even breath fell against her neck.
She'd be on Ms. Patty's pity list for eligible suitors. She might not have had the courage to apply for the jobs she really wanted, opting instead for the safe allure of home. She'd still have that vacuous feeling, the one that she couldn't pinpoint but knew the cause of. It'd started the day she realized Jess wasn't just headed to a local destination on that bus so many years ago.
But she wouldn't feel this guilty.
"Just, tell me one thing. Do you really want to marry him?"
"More than anything in my life. Mom, he's—he's my world," tears glistened in her eyes, and her mom moved over to put her arm around her.
"Shh, honey, it's okay," she whispered.
"You still hate him, though," she sniffed, leaning her head on her mom's shoulder.
"I don't. . . hate him. I wish things could have worked out for you differently, although I know it probably wouldn't have. I wish you had told me how you were feeling. I thought we told each other everything, you know?"
"I know. I felt so pathetic, it's been over four years, and he dominated my thoughts. I kept replaying the last time I saw him over and over, wishing I'd left with him. Wondering if we would have made it. But at the time, I couldn't imagine leaving you, and everything behind—but I figured of all people, you'd understand."
"I didn't, at first. I felt like you were choosing between him and me. I know that's crazy, I just missed you so much. I knew the way you talked that you wouldn't be around, and it just, it hurt."
"I never meant to hurt you. What we have, you have to know, it was worth giving anything and everything up for. I think about you every day, and I'm hoping, now that we're getting married, now it's finally okay enough to come visit more. Or for you guys to come see us."
Lorelai looked into her daughter's eyes. "You mean that?"
"I do. I really do. I miss you."
"I miss you too," she said, moving in to hug Rory again. They held onto each other, both relieved to be talking honestly and to just be together. By the time they pulled back, both were laughing and crying.
"So, were do you think Dad took Jess?"
"Ooh, uhh," Lorelai looked guilty.
"What?" Rory eyed her suspiciously.
"I might have told him to be a little mean to him. For kicks," she admitted.
"Mom, I thought you didn't hate him."
"I don't hate him. That doesn't mean I would deny your father his fun," she smiled.
Meanwhile, Jess sat at an uncrowded bar cracking open peanuts from a wooden bowl on the counter. Chris sat next to him, sipping his beer, looking around.
"This is just, wrong," he said.
"Yeah. But it's a bar."
"But, we're in Stars Hollow. The town doesn't even have a liquor store."
"I know. I only found this place cause Luke comes here sometimes. When he's upset. Usually over something having to do with Lorelai."
Chris nodded. "She can be challenging," he agreed.
"So, that's where Rory gets it from, you're saying," Jess smirked.
"You saying my angel isn't perfect?" Chris used the overprotective father tone.
"I'm so not going there," Jess breathed, taking a drink of his beer.
"Smart man. So, you two are really getting married tonight?"
"We are."
"Marriage isn't easy," Chris warned.
Jess tapped his fingers to the beat that was playing on the jukebox. He hated the song, but he seemed unable not to move to the beat of the music. It kept his mind half out of the conversation, a technique he'd learned years ago.
"I know that," he sighed.
"It's lots of hard work, and if you have any doubts at all—any—you shouldn't do it. Not to her and not to yourself."
"We know relationships are hard. If anyone knows that, we know that. We've seen our parents screw them up over and over again, but worst of all we've screwed ours up over and over again. But, we seem to have it right now," he smiled a little; in spite of himself and the company he was keeping. Treading lightly would be wise, but he could only speak his mind at this point. But he knew one thing—she could never do anything to make him leave. Never.
She stood there, seething at him, wanting to strangle him. The words that came out of his mouth sometimes just made her blood boil. Their arguments were similar to their love making—passionate and encompassing. Every part of her filled with frustration and the desire to show him his many faults. To gather them together like photographs, so she could prove to him that he was wrong. But he never backed down.
"It's not a big deal," he said for the fifteenth time. She really thought her hands would develop minds of their own, to smack him, strangle him or throw anything within her reach towards him.
"Jess! How can you say that? You were out of line! If you just apologized, this would all go away!" she yelled, trying to make her words penetrate his mind.
"Rory, just drop it. It's my job, it's my li--," he stopped mid-sentence.
His eyes were filled with regret the moment he realized the word almost escaped his lips. His hand went out to her form, which was backing up against the bedroom. She needed to move, she needed to be not in this room right now.
"Rory, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say--,"he moved faster than her, pulling her so she was flush up against him, her crossed arms cutting into his chest.
"Jess, let me go."
"No, not until you listen to me."
"I can hear you just fine. I heard everything just fine."
"I didn't mean it!"
"Then why would it even come into your head?"
"God, Rory! Don't read anything into this," he pleaded with her.
She looked into his eyes, knowing he hated himself for what he had thought. She knew this was just as hard for him as it was for her. The uncertainty, the frailty of their relationship. The not knowing if the other would come home that day. The wondering if the love was enough to get them through this period of hope and nerves.
"How can I not?"
Her blue eyes were glassy, as tears threatened. She knew he couldn't take the tears, but now instead of pleading with her to stop, he just held her. It's what she needed, to be free to feel, to be supported instead of chastised for her actions.
So he held her. He let her react to his words, her fists hitting him as if she were tired or hadn't eaten for days. He'd said it, and he couldn't blame her.
"I just, I know what it's like to try to make something work that just won't," Chris sighed.
"And I know what it's like to try to ignore something that's going to work, no matter how much you screw it up," Jess looked the man square in the eye.
"You two are really in love, aren't you?"
"We are."
"Just promise me you'll never let her go," Chris looked deathly serious.
"I promise," Jess nodded.
Back at the house, Rory and Lorelai discussed more events of the last four years. Rory told her of his proposal, they cried some more, and then Lorelai looked at Rory in panic.
"You don't have a wedding dress!"
"Mom, it's fine. I'm just going to wear something simple."
"I always thought I'd make your wedding dress," she sighed, feeling uneasy all over again. This wasn't supposed to be what happened. Rory deserved more than a justice of the peace marrying them in five minutes, in a dress from Old Navy and the groom in jeans. She was supposed to have months, if not a year, to prepare for this day.
"Mom, come on. It's just a day. We just want something small. It's the marriage that's important to us," she urged.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry. Mother's dreams die hard," she gave a half- hearted smile.
"I called Grandma. She asked how you were."
"We haven't exactly been close lately," Lorelai stood, picking up the coffee cups and heading into the kitchen. Rory sighed. Cleaning up meant one thing—avoidance of old issues. She stood up, stretching her legs after having sat for the last hour on the couch talking to her mother, and followed.
"Mom? What happened?"
"Huh. You're kidding, right?"
"No, what happened?"
"She blamed me, Rory! She blamed me for letting you run off like that! She railed on me for over an hour and I told her that obviously she wasn't ready for you to be an adult since she still treated me like a child. There were some colorful words exchanged, I may have told her to go to hell, and then she told me to leave. I haven't talked to her since," she scrubbed the clean coffee cup repeatedly.
"Mom, I'm so sorry! I never thought that--,"
"That's right, you didn't think! You didn't think about how your actions would effect anyone else, you just left!"
"Mom, I'm sorry! How many times do I need to tell you that?"
Lorelai looked at her, hurt filling her blue eyes, and shook her head. "I don't know," she whispered.
Rory looked at her mother, whose wounds were obviously much deeper than she'd ever imagined, and wondered for the first time if coming here had been a giant mistake. She should have stayed in New York, married Jess and lived with the consequences of her choices. This was just too painful for everyone.
"I'm sorry," she whispered one more time, before turning and exiting through the back door.