What follows is the "Bonus Materials" developed for this parody films once
we make them into a DVD set.
Lost Opening Credits for Reinstalled with Funny Capabilities
This part is sort of like the subtitles part in Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Credits come on as normal until we get to Matt's credit. The numbers indicate a new credit.
1. Senior Supreme Writer and Overlord Director
Matt Walljasper
2. Low Level Lackie Writer and Supreme High-This-part cancels-everything- before-it director
Jorge Calderon
3. It is to be known that the titles for the Production Team members were incorrectly written. -The Lawyer
4.Correct Titles
Matt Walljasper: Executive Senior Vente Supreme Writer and Hyper General Overlord Director Supreme
Jorge Calderon: Guy watching filming
5. Again, I apologize for this mistake. -The Lawyer
6. It has come to my attention that a man is going around posing as the Lawyer. I can assure you that he is not the lawyer. The real titles are:
7. Matt Walljasper: Super Executive Senior Vente-to-the-forth-power Supreme Writer and High Admiral Hyper General Commander-in-Chief Leader-of-the-free- world Overlord Director Supreme
Jorge Calderon: That guy.
8. We are working hard to kill the fake Lawyer.
9. Hi, I am the real lawyer. The last guy just watched My Cousin Vinne 1064 times in a row and claimed to be a lawyer. To fix all this, I would like to call these two yoots to the stand.
10. Help! I just got out of the freezer. Why do we have a freezer you ask? Never mind. I am the real Lawyer! I'll prove it!
11. The real titles are "Written and Directed by Matt Walljasper and Jorge Calderon"
12. The first guy was our security guard. The second was a fan of Matt's and the third guy was the one that watched My Cousin Vinne 1064 times in a row.
13. I, the real lawyer, apologize for all this hi-jinks. Now you'll see my credit.
14. Ultra Supreme High Commander General Super Dooper Vente Platinum Lawyer Who-Gets-All-The-Ladies-Whenever-He-Wants-And-I-Do-Mean-Whenever-He-Wants- And-I-Do-Mean-All-The-Ladies: Bob Sherman
15. So, you can see, since my title doesn't lie, that I'm very successful. My number is 972-653-2189. Call me. The "B" Train stops for all the ladies.
16. Well, um, all that are over 18. The Big S-myster doesn't need prison. Got a lot of enemies there. I'd drop the soap.
17. Not on purpose, mind you! The "Bobinator" doesn't go that way. But still, I don't want to go to prison.
18. God, I hope they cut this part.
19. Do you like it? Matt and Jorge wrote it in after the script was done.
20. Oh crap! I've said way too much! They'll kill me!
21. I'd better start the ass kissing.
22. Not literally mind you!
(Shotgun blast heard)
23. This is Joey C. and Jonny V. The lawyer met an unfortunate accident. Let's get these credits going! If we don't accidents might happen...
(Theme to The Sopranos is played for the rest of the opening credits)
What follows are some deleted scenes for all three movies.
Deleted Scenes!
Reinstalled with Funny Capabilities
This was cut because we didn't want to be massive tools.
#1 "Toilet of the Real scene alternate ending and alternate rebuilding sweeps"
Morpheus: Welcome to the real world.
Neo: What's going on?
Apoch: Find out what happens when we take nine hackers...
Switch: Put them in a hovercraft in giant sewers...
Trinity: And see what happens when people stop being polite...
Mouse: And start being real.
Morpheus: Is it my line? Um... Yeah! What they said! The Real World -Nebacnezzar!
(Switch to video confessional booth)
Morpheus: When Neo first got here, we were all like, He's the One! The war is over.
(Switch to Trinity)
Trinity: Morpheus was the only person who believed it
(Morpheus)
Morpheus: So today, we had to rebuild Neo's muscles because they've become so weak. And right off the bat we had some problems.
(Switch to Morpheus, Trinity, and Dozer around the chamber that Neo is in)
Morpheus: Give me the electric shock pin.
Trinity: Why do you always act like you're the boss? Who gave you authority?
Morpheus: the Zion Council!
(Confessional)
Trinity: Morpheus was being a real hovercraft nazi. He was all like, I'm the boss! Zion council! Blah blah blah!
(Morpheus in C)
Morpheus: Hey, this isn't a port-a-poddie! Or maybe it is. I guess some people like that. Why else could this camera be here?
This was cut because it was deemed the worst part of the movie
#2 Where's Neo
Tank: Have you seen Neo?
Morpheus: No, but we need to go see the Oracle!
Dozer: Oh wait! He's getting some exercise in the construct.
(In construct)
(Neo runs around in a circle 3 times)
(Neo falls)
Neo: I'm all right! Nobody saw that!
Echo: Nobody saw that!
Neo: Hello!
Echo: Hello!
Neo: You're stupid!
Echo: You're stupid!
Neo: Well played clerks...
This was cut because of time and we didn't want to tell of Morpheus's family yet.
#3 Agent Smith's Date
Agent Smith: So, did you have a good time Ms. Henderson?
Ms. Henderson: Yeah, you're so funny when you talk like that.
Agent Smith: Would you like to come in?
Ms. Henderson: Sure.
(Switch to Morpheus's car)
Morpheus: So I call Neo tonight around 9:30? Ok. What the? I got to go!
(Morpheus hangs up cell phone)
(Morpheus stops the car and gets out)
Morpheus: Dana? What the hell are you doing?
Dana aka Ms Henderson: I'm on my date. Why?
Morpheus: you can't trust this guy! He's an agent.
Agent Smith: Do you know him?
Dana: He's my brother.
Agent Smith: The great Morpheus...
Morpheus: Dana, I'll prove it!
(Morpheus shoots Agent Smith)
(Agent Smith dodges)
Dana: Oh my God! Go away Smith! You liar! I never want to see you again!
Agent Smith: But Dana, baby, I can change! I can become a desk agent!
Dana: You say that but I know you won't.
Morpheus: Come on, Dana, I'll give you a ride home.
This was cut because we decided that we shouldn't both make a cameo in the series.
#4 Matt and Jorge Cameo
(Subway train hits Agent Smith)
(Train stops)
(Agent Smith get outs)
(Neo runs)
(Agent smith chases)
(Matt gets out of the subway)
(Jorge follows)
Matt: See, I told you that subways are the number one cause of death in this scene. Pay up!
Jorge: Fine, here. Wait, shouldn't we be filming the next part?
Matt: I guess so.
(Both start running towards the exit)
This was cut because we came to the conclusion that some time in the future history of the world, there will be a reality TV show that we will like.
#5 End of Reality TV
Agent Thompson: Only human.
Trinity: Dodge this.
(Trinity shoots Agent Thompson)
(TV Host enters)
TV Host: Well done! Ok, you got the point so who do you want to vote off of the ship?
Neo: Um...Mor-
Trinity: Shut up! I've got a plan. We vote you off!
TV Host: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The loophole of reality TV has been found!
(TV host explodes)
This was cut because we wanted people with VCR's and no chance of ever seeing the deleted scenes to wonder where Agents comes from.
#6 Where do Agents Come From?
Morpheus: Smith.
Agent Smith: What Morpheus, do you want to tell me what the access codes are?
Morpheus: No, I was just wondering where Agents come from.
(Agent Smith sits down and removes his sunglasses)
Agent Smith: Well, when two programs love each other very much, they assimilate their code in the act of a conjunction defragmentation. But unsafe conjunction defrags can lead to viruses so you might want to use an encryption on your code. However, if you use the encryption, then the other program won't be able to read the code and your assimilation will fail. Anyway, after the conjunction defrag, a single piece of code will join with another specific piece of code and form a new two-coded program. This program generates its own code from the two base parts and grows in what's called the C++ Builder. When it's fully-grown, it leaves the builder and goes out to do its job. If this program codes for an agent, then it becomes an agent.
Morpheus: Wow. Um, thanks I guess.
Agent Smith: Don't mention it.
All alternate endings were cut because we decided that the other one was better
#7 Alternate Ending 1
(On neb)
(Dead sentinels all around)
Morpheus: Let's poke 'em with sticks!
(Trinity rushes in)
Trinity: Morpheus! Something's going on in the Matrix look!
(All watch code)
(Ending to Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines is shown)
Morpheus: What a bunch of A-holes!
#8 Alternate Ending 2
Morpheus: Let's poke 'em with sticks!
Tank: How are going to end the movie?
Morpheus: Well, the way any low budget comedy movie should end! We go back into the matrix and play the classic AC DC song, Back in Black.
Tank: Will it work?
Morpheus: Yes. It'll also work for sequels.
("Classic" ending is shown)
#9 Alternate Ending 3
Neo: Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you.
Pizza Hut Guy: Sir, I told you, if you have a complaint, talk to the manager! Now, do you want a pizza or not.
(Neo hangs up phone)
(Neo exits phone booth)
(Neo motions to fly)
(He jumps then falls down)
(Neo keeps jumping up and down)
Kid: Mommy, what's wrong with that man?
Kid's mother: I don't know. I don't want to know but it is sad.
Neo: Fly damn you, fly!
Unplugged by the Janitor
This scene was cut because it was considered too stupid
1 Wiping your ass with silk
Trinity: Morpheus, we have to leave the matrix.
Morpheus: Yeah, hold on. I just got to go to the fabric store and the can.
Trinity: Ok.
(Morpheus enters the fabric store)
(Morpheus walks up to the counter)
Morpheus: Yes, I need a 6 by 6-inch piece of silk.
Clerk: Here you are, sir.
Morpheus: Thanks, do you have a bathroom in here?
Clerk: Go down aisle 2 until you see the sign.
Morpheus: Thanks.
(Morpheus walks away)
(Morpheus enters the bathroom)
(Morpheus enters a stall)
(A man walks by)
Morpheus: Whoa, that felt weird! I new that Merv guy was gay!
(The man quickly runs away)
This scene was cut because it was decided that the joke was fully covered without seeing the Keycardmaker
2 The Keycardmaker
Keymaker: For that you'll need the Keycardmaker. He's next door.
Morpheus: Ok.
(Morpheus walks to the next door and opens it)
Morpheus: Hello, my name is Morpheus.
Keycardmaker: Yes, I'm the keycardmaker.
Morpheus: What does this keycard go to?
Keycardmaker: Room 303 at the Holiday Inn.
Morpheus: No! It was a Holiday Inn Express! You're a liar! You die here!
Keycardmaker: No!
This scene was cut due to time but all of the staff agrees that we should have tweaked it in
3 Morpheus Visits Home
Morpheus: Hey before we leave the matrix, I want to go visit my family. They live right around here.
Neo: Really? How about that. I would assume that your family would have gone insane or something.
Morpheus: What gave you that idea?
Morpheus's Dad: (Through crowd) Oh my God! He's gonna jump!
(A man falls)
Trinity: I'm going to guess that that is Morpheus's father.
Neo: I would have thought his family would be in an asylum.
Trinity: You said that.
Neo: Well look!
Trinity: Fine, it is true.
M's Dad: Morpheus? Morpheus is that you?
Morpheus: Yes.
M's Dad: Wow! Funny running into you! What have you been up to?
Morpheus: I found the One! That's him over there. We call him Mumblin' Jim.
Neo: Morpheus, my name is Neo. It always was and it always will be Neo.
Morpheus: See Dad, he just keeps mumbling and mumbling.
M's Dad: Well that's nice. Here's your mother. Hey honey, get over here! Morpheus is here.
Morpheus's Mom: My baby's come home! How are you? Who are these people?
Morpheus: Mom, this is Mumblin' Jim and Bitchin' Jane
Trinity: Damn it Morpheus!
Morpheus, M's Mom, and M's Dad: Yes.
This scene was cut because of the previous scene being cut
4 Dinner at Morpheus's
(Morpheus and co are sitting at a dinner table)
Morpheus: Tell me Neo, what can you see?
Neo: It's strange. The code's some how different.
Morpheus: Encrypted?
Neo: Maybe.
Trinity: Is that good for us or bad for us?
Neo: I'm not sure but it looks like chicken pot pie.
Morpheus: Good for us.
(Morpheus's Dad enters)
M's Dad: Hey you there! Mumblin' Jim! Quit mumblin' and tell me what you see for dinner?
Neo: Chicken potpie.
(Morpheus's Mother enters)
M's Mom: Who's hungry? I made my world famous chicken potpie. Morpheus used to eat these up so much when he was a kid. In fact after dinner I'll show you some home movies.
Morpheus: Shit.
Morpheus, M's Dad, and M's Mom: Yes.
This scene was cut before the other two were cut. This was the original source of Neo's repressed memory and it was decided that it would be better for the story if the memory was of Agent Smith
5 Home Movies
(Morpheus's Mom enters with a videocassette)
M's Mom: Here's a good one! Morpheus's first monologue!
(M's Mom puts it into the VCR)
(Switch to tape)
(Young Morpheus is sitting in a chair and Young Child is sitting across from him
M's Dad: (heard but not seen) Morpheus, do that funny thing you do.
Young Morpheus: I don't want to!
M's Dad: Come on! For history!
Young Morpheus: Ok! What is real? How do you define real?
(Young Morpheus breaks the sides off his sunglasses)
(Young Morpheus begins to cry)
M's Dad: Morpheus, it's ok. Just put them on your face and they'll look all badass and cool.
(Tape ends)
M's Mom: This is a good one, Morpheus's first word.
(Baby Morpheus is on screen)
Baby Morpheus: Yes.
(Tape ends)
M's Mom: This is good, Morpheus time at the playground.
(Young Morpheus is playing in a sandbox)
(Young Neo walks up)
(Living room)
Neo: Holy shit, that's me!
Morpheus: Really?
(Playground)
Young Neo: Hi! See my pail?
Young Morpheus: I like it. I'll give you a choice. You take the blue shovel, you wake up tomorrow and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red shovel, you stay here in the sandbox and be my friend.
Young Neo: I'll take the blue one!
Young Morpheus: Damn it! Yes.
(Morpheus takes the pail and fills it with sand then dumps it on Neo and begins to hit him with it)
(Tape ends)
Neo: You sick bastard! You scared me for life on that playground!
Morpheus: Well you deserved it! Not being my friend and all!
Call Tech Support
This scene was cut because of time
1. Tripod
(At the logos crash site)
(Crew is getting ready to go outside)
Roland: I sure hope Morpheus was able to find some more guns for you all.
Link: Me too.
(Morpheus enters carrying a tripod)
Morpheus: Hey you guys! I found this weird futuristic looking gun. I think it shoots an energy ball or something.
Roland: Morpheus, where did you find this?
Morpheus: Over there. Isn't it cool?
(Morpheus points to the camera)
Roland: Morpheus, that's a tripod. It's from the camera crew.
Morpheus: No, it was under the camera. Silly Roland.
Roland: No, no, no. Morpheus, you're missing the point. That is not a gun. Hell, it's not even a prop of a gun. It's a piece of shit tripod from that camera! How is the camera even standing up?
Morpheus: No, it's cool Mumblin' Jim, I made that guy over there hold it.
(A different camera shows a stagehand holding the camera)
Roland: God damn it.
Morpheus: Yes. Now you guys get your electricity guns and I'll get my energy ball gun and let's go get that big rock!
Roland: It's a ship.
Morpheus: You're a ship!
This was cut because we all agreed that Seinfeld was the best show of all time.
2 Alternate Spin-Off
Voice Over: What follows is the lost pilot to the spin-off of the matrix. In it, Morpheus, Neo, Trinity, Link, and some of the people in Zion that you've seen get transferred to a military hospital outside of Zion.
(Opening for MASH but with a hovercraft, basically everything else is the same)
(Morpheus, Link, and Neo are all in their tent)
(Morpheus is holding a glass of scotch)
(Neo enters)
Neo: You guys can't be drinking in here like that. This is Zion's army we're representing!
Link: Last time I checked I wasn't representing anything.
Morpheus: I had to re-present something once.
(Morpheus starts laughing out of control)
Morpheus: Wait, we're in a war here. Don't you get it? People die. We're just all in the middle of it.
Neo: I'm going to see Commander Lock about this!
(Commander Lock's Office)
(Neo, Trinity, Morpheus, and Commander Lock are there)
Neo: I'm a very valuable asset to this hospital.
Morpheus: You got three letters right.
Trinity: You shouldn't talk to Neo that way. He's your superior officer, captain.
Neo: At least somebody back me up.
Morpheus: I think she's been doing the backing up in front of you.
Trinity: How dare you!
Morpheus: I'm just being honest.
Neo: See Commander, this is what I'm talking about.
Commander Lock: Kid! Get in here!
Kid: Yes sir, what is it commander?
Commander Lock: Did you file my report for today?
Kid: Yes sir.
(Before Kid says what he did next Commander Lock raises his finger and opens his mouth to say something else but then when Kid says it he realizes that that is what he was going to ask)
Kid: I also sent the inventory requests.
Kid: And shifted the duty roster.
Kid: And listed the wounded.
Kid: And checked the hovercraft pool.
Commander Lock: yeah but did you check the hovercraft pool?
Kid: Yes sir.
(Mifune enters)
(Mifune is dressed in a dress)
Commander Lock: Mifune! I hope you're not fishing for a section 8 again!
Mifune: No sir, nothing like that. I'm not crazy, sir. I just want a section 8.
(Mifune leaves)
Morpheus: (sadly) I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Tank, and look at him. He was on his way home. Then his plane was shot and spun out over the Sea of Japan. It's true war is hell.
Morpheus: (happy) Then again working with Neo is hell.
Commander Lock: Morpheus, go talk to the Chaplin. He'll straiten you out.
Trinity: Thank you, Commander.
(Camp)
Hamann: Well, I'm not a priest or anything like that, but I did give the opening prayer to my share of temple gatherings.
Morpheus: Yeah that's nice. Can I go now?
Hamann: Ok, but we always need more help at the orphanage!
(A bomb explodes near Hamann)
Morpheus: Councilor! Are you ok?
Hamann: I can't hear you.
Morpheus: Oh no, Hamann lost his hearing! He was trying to save those people!
Speaker: Incoming wounded! All medical personnel to the OR! I've run out of clever things to say!
(Link runs up to Morpheus)
Link: Looks like another day, huh?
Morpheus: Yeah. But war doesn't solve anything. Never did. I'm just going to say one more thing
(End credits play like MASH)
This was cut because we thought that the Terminator should have a few lines
3 Alternate Terminator Cameo
(Zion: dock)
Work Leader: Come on, get it cut!
Worker 1: The Bridge is clear.
Worker 2: You hear that?
(Sentinels enter through Gate 3)
(The Terminator walks through the gate waving his arms and yelling random things)
This was cut because even though it was not supposed to make any sense, we were still way too confused.
4 Good Luck
Trinity: Temperature's dropping. Here we go.
(Morpheus enters through the cockpit door)
Morpheus: I just wanted to tell you good luck, we're all counting on you.
Neo: What the hell?
Trinity: Why are you, I mean, how are you, what are you doing here?
Morpheus: Um, I believe that the answer to that question lies in the um.matrix (coughs) yes, the matrix.
Neo: But we saw you leave on the other ship.
Morpheus: I don't know what to tell you.
(Dream fade-out to Trinity trying to wake up Neo)
Trinity: Neo! Wake up! We're almost to the surface!
Neo: I had the weirdest dream. You were there, and you were there.
(Neo points to Morpheus)
Neo: And you were not there but I've seen you before.
(Neo points at the Tin Man)
Tin Man: Yeah, I'm a machine. Who'd a thunk it?
Neo: Morpheus, why are you coming with us?
Morpheus: I don't know. Excuse me.
(Morpheus runs away)
(Escape pod like thing is heard ejecting from the Logos)
Radio Ads
To get the word out, we decided to make radio ads for our school's PA system.
Reinstalled with Funny Capabilities
Radio Ad 1
Matt: "One of the best movies of all time" The New York Times.
Jorge: "Beautiful and inspiring" Time Magazine
Matt: "One of the best works of poetry and the human spirit" USA Today
Jorge: "A great way to get in touch with your emotions" raves Roger and Ebert.
Matt: So? Our movie's all of that without being a chick flick.
Jorge: Yeah!
Voice over: Coming this spring. Your world isn't what you think it is.
Morpheus: What if I told you you were living in a dream world...
VO: It hides a deep secret that is too terrible to imagine.
Morpheus: What if I told you all of this was lie, a cloak pulled over your eyes to shield you from the horrifying truth?
VO: What would you do?
Neo: I'd say, "Come again?" Then I'd laugh because I said come.
VO: This spring...
Cipher: We're gonna kill him, you know that.
VO: We take one of the greatest movies of all time...
Morpheus: He is beginning to believe...
VO: Rap it in a secret blanket...
Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson...
VO: And parodize the hell out of it!
Agent Smith: What good is a phone call if you are unable to speak?
Morpheus: What about text messaging?
VO: The Matrix Reinstalled with Funny Capabilities
Vo: Yeah, we know the title sucks.
Morpheus: Welcome to the real world...
Radio Ad 2
Voice Over: The Matrix Reinstalled with Funny Capabilities.
VO: Nominated for elevendy-billion academy awards
VO: 5,000 Golden Globes including best radio ad
VO: 60 Emmys for some reason
VO: And 2 Latin Grammy Awards
VO: We won 6 of those including best movie sarcastic award
VO: best actor Matt Walljasper
VO: best cameo The Terminator
VO: Most obvious copy write infringement
VO: Best use of the word "the"
VO: And a few others including best stealing of CGI
VO: Go see it!!!
Unplugged by the Janitor
Radio Ad 1
Voice Over: Something is happening.
VO: Murders day in and day out.
VO: Who could be responsible? Who would be responsible?
VO: Who would kill someone then dump their body over a ledge? Who could be so clever?
Hamann: Did you hear about the suicides near Morpheus's?
Morpheus: Oh my God, I think he's gonna jump!
Neo: Yeah, they jumped off the ledge and then shot each other mid fall.
VO: Coming this spring, reality takes a backseat to madness.
Merovingian: It's like wiping your ass with silk.
Morpheus: That's sounds like something a homo would do.
VO: Passion and love reign supreme
Matt: Yeah, we can't do that scene.
Neo/Jorge: Why not?
Matt: Because you are both under 18!
VO: And we add a chapter to a great movie .'s parody.
Agent Thompson: Hey you guys, if you ever have to jump off a bridge onto a moving truck, don't. I'll ruin your weekend.
VO: The Matrix: Unplugged by the Janitor
VO: That's right, a sequel.
Radio Ad 2
Voice Over: They're back! More mystery! More fun! More of Morpheus idiotic remarks! And I mean a lot more. And the mystery of Tank is solved! Coming in The Matrix: Unplugged by the Janitor!
Call Tech Support
Radio Ad 1
Voice Over: We left you with a cliffhanger. For a while you were worried what would happen, then you wondered about Neo, then you saw Revolutions and found out. Then you were tired, then Return of the King came out so you saw that, then you forgot about the matrix, then you fell asleep, then you remembered the parodies and heard this! Well, we're back and we have the final chapter! The Matrix: Call Tech Support!
The Oracle: Everything that has a beginning has an end.
Neo: What about a circle?
Agent Smith: Mister Anderson, welcome back. We missed you.
Movie Slogans
The Matrix: Reinstalled with Funny Capabilities
"Yes, we know the title sucks so don't bother pointing that out."
The Matrix: Unplugged by the Janitor
"That's right, it's a sequel. What are you gonna do about it?"
The Matrix: Call Tech Support
"Everything that has a beginning has an end. Thank God it's over. No more matrix movies!"
A Note From Us
Well, this is the end of this magical parody trilogy. What's next? Well, we already have planned a Lord of the Rings parody. But first, we are making these. Someday we'll put them up and you all will be able to see these. Soon we will put of the movie web site. You know that you will be the first people to know about it! Now you're probably asking yourself, "what's gonna be on the website?" Well, we are going to have video trailers, radio ads, interviews with the cast and creators, art from our talented executive producer, on the set pictures, posters, photographs, and the cast and crew. So to all of the people who read everything and those who read one sentence, thank you. As always, we ask for all your thoughts and changes so that we can make the best movies possible. Tell your friends! Spread the word! Again thank you all. Please keep this movie in your thoughts and prayers.
Thanks,
Matt Walljasper, Jorge Calderon, and the staff of Cursing Sailor Productions
Lost Opening Credits for Reinstalled with Funny Capabilities
This part is sort of like the subtitles part in Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Credits come on as normal until we get to Matt's credit. The numbers indicate a new credit.
1. Senior Supreme Writer and Overlord Director
Matt Walljasper
2. Low Level Lackie Writer and Supreme High-This-part cancels-everything- before-it director
Jorge Calderon
3. It is to be known that the titles for the Production Team members were incorrectly written. -The Lawyer
4.Correct Titles
Matt Walljasper: Executive Senior Vente Supreme Writer and Hyper General Overlord Director Supreme
Jorge Calderon: Guy watching filming
5. Again, I apologize for this mistake. -The Lawyer
6. It has come to my attention that a man is going around posing as the Lawyer. I can assure you that he is not the lawyer. The real titles are:
7. Matt Walljasper: Super Executive Senior Vente-to-the-forth-power Supreme Writer and High Admiral Hyper General Commander-in-Chief Leader-of-the-free- world Overlord Director Supreme
Jorge Calderon: That guy.
8. We are working hard to kill the fake Lawyer.
9. Hi, I am the real lawyer. The last guy just watched My Cousin Vinne 1064 times in a row and claimed to be a lawyer. To fix all this, I would like to call these two yoots to the stand.
10. Help! I just got out of the freezer. Why do we have a freezer you ask? Never mind. I am the real Lawyer! I'll prove it!
11. The real titles are "Written and Directed by Matt Walljasper and Jorge Calderon"
12. The first guy was our security guard. The second was a fan of Matt's and the third guy was the one that watched My Cousin Vinne 1064 times in a row.
13. I, the real lawyer, apologize for all this hi-jinks. Now you'll see my credit.
14. Ultra Supreme High Commander General Super Dooper Vente Platinum Lawyer Who-Gets-All-The-Ladies-Whenever-He-Wants-And-I-Do-Mean-Whenever-He-Wants- And-I-Do-Mean-All-The-Ladies: Bob Sherman
15. So, you can see, since my title doesn't lie, that I'm very successful. My number is 972-653-2189. Call me. The "B" Train stops for all the ladies.
16. Well, um, all that are over 18. The Big S-myster doesn't need prison. Got a lot of enemies there. I'd drop the soap.
17. Not on purpose, mind you! The "Bobinator" doesn't go that way. But still, I don't want to go to prison.
18. God, I hope they cut this part.
19. Do you like it? Matt and Jorge wrote it in after the script was done.
20. Oh crap! I've said way too much! They'll kill me!
21. I'd better start the ass kissing.
22. Not literally mind you!
(Shotgun blast heard)
23. This is Joey C. and Jonny V. The lawyer met an unfortunate accident. Let's get these credits going! If we don't accidents might happen...
(Theme to The Sopranos is played for the rest of the opening credits)
What follows are some deleted scenes for all three movies.
Deleted Scenes!
Reinstalled with Funny Capabilities
This was cut because we didn't want to be massive tools.
#1 "Toilet of the Real scene alternate ending and alternate rebuilding sweeps"
Morpheus: Welcome to the real world.
Neo: What's going on?
Apoch: Find out what happens when we take nine hackers...
Switch: Put them in a hovercraft in giant sewers...
Trinity: And see what happens when people stop being polite...
Mouse: And start being real.
Morpheus: Is it my line? Um... Yeah! What they said! The Real World -Nebacnezzar!
(Switch to video confessional booth)
Morpheus: When Neo first got here, we were all like, He's the One! The war is over.
(Switch to Trinity)
Trinity: Morpheus was the only person who believed it
(Morpheus)
Morpheus: So today, we had to rebuild Neo's muscles because they've become so weak. And right off the bat we had some problems.
(Switch to Morpheus, Trinity, and Dozer around the chamber that Neo is in)
Morpheus: Give me the electric shock pin.
Trinity: Why do you always act like you're the boss? Who gave you authority?
Morpheus: the Zion Council!
(Confessional)
Trinity: Morpheus was being a real hovercraft nazi. He was all like, I'm the boss! Zion council! Blah blah blah!
(Morpheus in C)
Morpheus: Hey, this isn't a port-a-poddie! Or maybe it is. I guess some people like that. Why else could this camera be here?
This was cut because it was deemed the worst part of the movie
#2 Where's Neo
Tank: Have you seen Neo?
Morpheus: No, but we need to go see the Oracle!
Dozer: Oh wait! He's getting some exercise in the construct.
(In construct)
(Neo runs around in a circle 3 times)
(Neo falls)
Neo: I'm all right! Nobody saw that!
Echo: Nobody saw that!
Neo: Hello!
Echo: Hello!
Neo: You're stupid!
Echo: You're stupid!
Neo: Well played clerks...
This was cut because of time and we didn't want to tell of Morpheus's family yet.
#3 Agent Smith's Date
Agent Smith: So, did you have a good time Ms. Henderson?
Ms. Henderson: Yeah, you're so funny when you talk like that.
Agent Smith: Would you like to come in?
Ms. Henderson: Sure.
(Switch to Morpheus's car)
Morpheus: So I call Neo tonight around 9:30? Ok. What the? I got to go!
(Morpheus hangs up cell phone)
(Morpheus stops the car and gets out)
Morpheus: Dana? What the hell are you doing?
Dana aka Ms Henderson: I'm on my date. Why?
Morpheus: you can't trust this guy! He's an agent.
Agent Smith: Do you know him?
Dana: He's my brother.
Agent Smith: The great Morpheus...
Morpheus: Dana, I'll prove it!
(Morpheus shoots Agent Smith)
(Agent Smith dodges)
Dana: Oh my God! Go away Smith! You liar! I never want to see you again!
Agent Smith: But Dana, baby, I can change! I can become a desk agent!
Dana: You say that but I know you won't.
Morpheus: Come on, Dana, I'll give you a ride home.
This was cut because we decided that we shouldn't both make a cameo in the series.
#4 Matt and Jorge Cameo
(Subway train hits Agent Smith)
(Train stops)
(Agent Smith get outs)
(Neo runs)
(Agent smith chases)
(Matt gets out of the subway)
(Jorge follows)
Matt: See, I told you that subways are the number one cause of death in this scene. Pay up!
Jorge: Fine, here. Wait, shouldn't we be filming the next part?
Matt: I guess so.
(Both start running towards the exit)
This was cut because we came to the conclusion that some time in the future history of the world, there will be a reality TV show that we will like.
#5 End of Reality TV
Agent Thompson: Only human.
Trinity: Dodge this.
(Trinity shoots Agent Thompson)
(TV Host enters)
TV Host: Well done! Ok, you got the point so who do you want to vote off of the ship?
Neo: Um...Mor-
Trinity: Shut up! I've got a plan. We vote you off!
TV Host: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The loophole of reality TV has been found!
(TV host explodes)
This was cut because we wanted people with VCR's and no chance of ever seeing the deleted scenes to wonder where Agents comes from.
#6 Where do Agents Come From?
Morpheus: Smith.
Agent Smith: What Morpheus, do you want to tell me what the access codes are?
Morpheus: No, I was just wondering where Agents come from.
(Agent Smith sits down and removes his sunglasses)
Agent Smith: Well, when two programs love each other very much, they assimilate their code in the act of a conjunction defragmentation. But unsafe conjunction defrags can lead to viruses so you might want to use an encryption on your code. However, if you use the encryption, then the other program won't be able to read the code and your assimilation will fail. Anyway, after the conjunction defrag, a single piece of code will join with another specific piece of code and form a new two-coded program. This program generates its own code from the two base parts and grows in what's called the C++ Builder. When it's fully-grown, it leaves the builder and goes out to do its job. If this program codes for an agent, then it becomes an agent.
Morpheus: Wow. Um, thanks I guess.
Agent Smith: Don't mention it.
All alternate endings were cut because we decided that the other one was better
#7 Alternate Ending 1
(On neb)
(Dead sentinels all around)
Morpheus: Let's poke 'em with sticks!
(Trinity rushes in)
Trinity: Morpheus! Something's going on in the Matrix look!
(All watch code)
(Ending to Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines is shown)
Morpheus: What a bunch of A-holes!
#8 Alternate Ending 2
Morpheus: Let's poke 'em with sticks!
Tank: How are going to end the movie?
Morpheus: Well, the way any low budget comedy movie should end! We go back into the matrix and play the classic AC DC song, Back in Black.
Tank: Will it work?
Morpheus: Yes. It'll also work for sequels.
("Classic" ending is shown)
#9 Alternate Ending 3
Neo: Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you.
Pizza Hut Guy: Sir, I told you, if you have a complaint, talk to the manager! Now, do you want a pizza or not.
(Neo hangs up phone)
(Neo exits phone booth)
(Neo motions to fly)
(He jumps then falls down)
(Neo keeps jumping up and down)
Kid: Mommy, what's wrong with that man?
Kid's mother: I don't know. I don't want to know but it is sad.
Neo: Fly damn you, fly!
Unplugged by the Janitor
This scene was cut because it was considered too stupid
1 Wiping your ass with silk
Trinity: Morpheus, we have to leave the matrix.
Morpheus: Yeah, hold on. I just got to go to the fabric store and the can.
Trinity: Ok.
(Morpheus enters the fabric store)
(Morpheus walks up to the counter)
Morpheus: Yes, I need a 6 by 6-inch piece of silk.
Clerk: Here you are, sir.
Morpheus: Thanks, do you have a bathroom in here?
Clerk: Go down aisle 2 until you see the sign.
Morpheus: Thanks.
(Morpheus walks away)
(Morpheus enters the bathroom)
(Morpheus enters a stall)
(A man walks by)
Morpheus: Whoa, that felt weird! I new that Merv guy was gay!
(The man quickly runs away)
This scene was cut because it was decided that the joke was fully covered without seeing the Keycardmaker
2 The Keycardmaker
Keymaker: For that you'll need the Keycardmaker. He's next door.
Morpheus: Ok.
(Morpheus walks to the next door and opens it)
Morpheus: Hello, my name is Morpheus.
Keycardmaker: Yes, I'm the keycardmaker.
Morpheus: What does this keycard go to?
Keycardmaker: Room 303 at the Holiday Inn.
Morpheus: No! It was a Holiday Inn Express! You're a liar! You die here!
Keycardmaker: No!
This scene was cut due to time but all of the staff agrees that we should have tweaked it in
3 Morpheus Visits Home
Morpheus: Hey before we leave the matrix, I want to go visit my family. They live right around here.
Neo: Really? How about that. I would assume that your family would have gone insane or something.
Morpheus: What gave you that idea?
Morpheus's Dad: (Through crowd) Oh my God! He's gonna jump!
(A man falls)
Trinity: I'm going to guess that that is Morpheus's father.
Neo: I would have thought his family would be in an asylum.
Trinity: You said that.
Neo: Well look!
Trinity: Fine, it is true.
M's Dad: Morpheus? Morpheus is that you?
Morpheus: Yes.
M's Dad: Wow! Funny running into you! What have you been up to?
Morpheus: I found the One! That's him over there. We call him Mumblin' Jim.
Neo: Morpheus, my name is Neo. It always was and it always will be Neo.
Morpheus: See Dad, he just keeps mumbling and mumbling.
M's Dad: Well that's nice. Here's your mother. Hey honey, get over here! Morpheus is here.
Morpheus's Mom: My baby's come home! How are you? Who are these people?
Morpheus: Mom, this is Mumblin' Jim and Bitchin' Jane
Trinity: Damn it Morpheus!
Morpheus, M's Mom, and M's Dad: Yes.
This scene was cut because of the previous scene being cut
4 Dinner at Morpheus's
(Morpheus and co are sitting at a dinner table)
Morpheus: Tell me Neo, what can you see?
Neo: It's strange. The code's some how different.
Morpheus: Encrypted?
Neo: Maybe.
Trinity: Is that good for us or bad for us?
Neo: I'm not sure but it looks like chicken pot pie.
Morpheus: Good for us.
(Morpheus's Dad enters)
M's Dad: Hey you there! Mumblin' Jim! Quit mumblin' and tell me what you see for dinner?
Neo: Chicken potpie.
(Morpheus's Mother enters)
M's Mom: Who's hungry? I made my world famous chicken potpie. Morpheus used to eat these up so much when he was a kid. In fact after dinner I'll show you some home movies.
Morpheus: Shit.
Morpheus, M's Dad, and M's Mom: Yes.
This scene was cut before the other two were cut. This was the original source of Neo's repressed memory and it was decided that it would be better for the story if the memory was of Agent Smith
5 Home Movies
(Morpheus's Mom enters with a videocassette)
M's Mom: Here's a good one! Morpheus's first monologue!
(M's Mom puts it into the VCR)
(Switch to tape)
(Young Morpheus is sitting in a chair and Young Child is sitting across from him
M's Dad: (heard but not seen) Morpheus, do that funny thing you do.
Young Morpheus: I don't want to!
M's Dad: Come on! For history!
Young Morpheus: Ok! What is real? How do you define real?
(Young Morpheus breaks the sides off his sunglasses)
(Young Morpheus begins to cry)
M's Dad: Morpheus, it's ok. Just put them on your face and they'll look all badass and cool.
(Tape ends)
M's Mom: This is a good one, Morpheus's first word.
(Baby Morpheus is on screen)
Baby Morpheus: Yes.
(Tape ends)
M's Mom: This is good, Morpheus time at the playground.
(Young Morpheus is playing in a sandbox)
(Young Neo walks up)
(Living room)
Neo: Holy shit, that's me!
Morpheus: Really?
(Playground)
Young Neo: Hi! See my pail?
Young Morpheus: I like it. I'll give you a choice. You take the blue shovel, you wake up tomorrow and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red shovel, you stay here in the sandbox and be my friend.
Young Neo: I'll take the blue one!
Young Morpheus: Damn it! Yes.
(Morpheus takes the pail and fills it with sand then dumps it on Neo and begins to hit him with it)
(Tape ends)
Neo: You sick bastard! You scared me for life on that playground!
Morpheus: Well you deserved it! Not being my friend and all!
Call Tech Support
This scene was cut because of time
1. Tripod
(At the logos crash site)
(Crew is getting ready to go outside)
Roland: I sure hope Morpheus was able to find some more guns for you all.
Link: Me too.
(Morpheus enters carrying a tripod)
Morpheus: Hey you guys! I found this weird futuristic looking gun. I think it shoots an energy ball or something.
Roland: Morpheus, where did you find this?
Morpheus: Over there. Isn't it cool?
(Morpheus points to the camera)
Roland: Morpheus, that's a tripod. It's from the camera crew.
Morpheus: No, it was under the camera. Silly Roland.
Roland: No, no, no. Morpheus, you're missing the point. That is not a gun. Hell, it's not even a prop of a gun. It's a piece of shit tripod from that camera! How is the camera even standing up?
Morpheus: No, it's cool Mumblin' Jim, I made that guy over there hold it.
(A different camera shows a stagehand holding the camera)
Roland: God damn it.
Morpheus: Yes. Now you guys get your electricity guns and I'll get my energy ball gun and let's go get that big rock!
Roland: It's a ship.
Morpheus: You're a ship!
This was cut because we all agreed that Seinfeld was the best show of all time.
2 Alternate Spin-Off
Voice Over: What follows is the lost pilot to the spin-off of the matrix. In it, Morpheus, Neo, Trinity, Link, and some of the people in Zion that you've seen get transferred to a military hospital outside of Zion.
(Opening for MASH but with a hovercraft, basically everything else is the same)
(Morpheus, Link, and Neo are all in their tent)
(Morpheus is holding a glass of scotch)
(Neo enters)
Neo: You guys can't be drinking in here like that. This is Zion's army we're representing!
Link: Last time I checked I wasn't representing anything.
Morpheus: I had to re-present something once.
(Morpheus starts laughing out of control)
Morpheus: Wait, we're in a war here. Don't you get it? People die. We're just all in the middle of it.
Neo: I'm going to see Commander Lock about this!
(Commander Lock's Office)
(Neo, Trinity, Morpheus, and Commander Lock are there)
Neo: I'm a very valuable asset to this hospital.
Morpheus: You got three letters right.
Trinity: You shouldn't talk to Neo that way. He's your superior officer, captain.
Neo: At least somebody back me up.
Morpheus: I think she's been doing the backing up in front of you.
Trinity: How dare you!
Morpheus: I'm just being honest.
Neo: See Commander, this is what I'm talking about.
Commander Lock: Kid! Get in here!
Kid: Yes sir, what is it commander?
Commander Lock: Did you file my report for today?
Kid: Yes sir.
(Before Kid says what he did next Commander Lock raises his finger and opens his mouth to say something else but then when Kid says it he realizes that that is what he was going to ask)
Kid: I also sent the inventory requests.
Kid: And shifted the duty roster.
Kid: And listed the wounded.
Kid: And checked the hovercraft pool.
Commander Lock: yeah but did you check the hovercraft pool?
Kid: Yes sir.
(Mifune enters)
(Mifune is dressed in a dress)
Commander Lock: Mifune! I hope you're not fishing for a section 8 again!
Mifune: No sir, nothing like that. I'm not crazy, sir. I just want a section 8.
(Mifune leaves)
Morpheus: (sadly) I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Tank, and look at him. He was on his way home. Then his plane was shot and spun out over the Sea of Japan. It's true war is hell.
Morpheus: (happy) Then again working with Neo is hell.
Commander Lock: Morpheus, go talk to the Chaplin. He'll straiten you out.
Trinity: Thank you, Commander.
(Camp)
Hamann: Well, I'm not a priest or anything like that, but I did give the opening prayer to my share of temple gatherings.
Morpheus: Yeah that's nice. Can I go now?
Hamann: Ok, but we always need more help at the orphanage!
(A bomb explodes near Hamann)
Morpheus: Councilor! Are you ok?
Hamann: I can't hear you.
Morpheus: Oh no, Hamann lost his hearing! He was trying to save those people!
Speaker: Incoming wounded! All medical personnel to the OR! I've run out of clever things to say!
(Link runs up to Morpheus)
Link: Looks like another day, huh?
Morpheus: Yeah. But war doesn't solve anything. Never did. I'm just going to say one more thing
(End credits play like MASH)
This was cut because we thought that the Terminator should have a few lines
3 Alternate Terminator Cameo
(Zion: dock)
Work Leader: Come on, get it cut!
Worker 1: The Bridge is clear.
Worker 2: You hear that?
(Sentinels enter through Gate 3)
(The Terminator walks through the gate waving his arms and yelling random things)
This was cut because even though it was not supposed to make any sense, we were still way too confused.
4 Good Luck
Trinity: Temperature's dropping. Here we go.
(Morpheus enters through the cockpit door)
Morpheus: I just wanted to tell you good luck, we're all counting on you.
Neo: What the hell?
Trinity: Why are you, I mean, how are you, what are you doing here?
Morpheus: Um, I believe that the answer to that question lies in the um.matrix (coughs) yes, the matrix.
Neo: But we saw you leave on the other ship.
Morpheus: I don't know what to tell you.
(Dream fade-out to Trinity trying to wake up Neo)
Trinity: Neo! Wake up! We're almost to the surface!
Neo: I had the weirdest dream. You were there, and you were there.
(Neo points to Morpheus)
Neo: And you were not there but I've seen you before.
(Neo points at the Tin Man)
Tin Man: Yeah, I'm a machine. Who'd a thunk it?
Neo: Morpheus, why are you coming with us?
Morpheus: I don't know. Excuse me.
(Morpheus runs away)
(Escape pod like thing is heard ejecting from the Logos)
Radio Ads
To get the word out, we decided to make radio ads for our school's PA system.
Reinstalled with Funny Capabilities
Radio Ad 1
Matt: "One of the best movies of all time" The New York Times.
Jorge: "Beautiful and inspiring" Time Magazine
Matt: "One of the best works of poetry and the human spirit" USA Today
Jorge: "A great way to get in touch with your emotions" raves Roger and Ebert.
Matt: So? Our movie's all of that without being a chick flick.
Jorge: Yeah!
Voice over: Coming this spring. Your world isn't what you think it is.
Morpheus: What if I told you you were living in a dream world...
VO: It hides a deep secret that is too terrible to imagine.
Morpheus: What if I told you all of this was lie, a cloak pulled over your eyes to shield you from the horrifying truth?
VO: What would you do?
Neo: I'd say, "Come again?" Then I'd laugh because I said come.
VO: This spring...
Cipher: We're gonna kill him, you know that.
VO: We take one of the greatest movies of all time...
Morpheus: He is beginning to believe...
VO: Rap it in a secret blanket...
Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson...
VO: And parodize the hell out of it!
Agent Smith: What good is a phone call if you are unable to speak?
Morpheus: What about text messaging?
VO: The Matrix Reinstalled with Funny Capabilities
Vo: Yeah, we know the title sucks.
Morpheus: Welcome to the real world...
Radio Ad 2
Voice Over: The Matrix Reinstalled with Funny Capabilities.
VO: Nominated for elevendy-billion academy awards
VO: 5,000 Golden Globes including best radio ad
VO: 60 Emmys for some reason
VO: And 2 Latin Grammy Awards
VO: We won 6 of those including best movie sarcastic award
VO: best actor Matt Walljasper
VO: best cameo The Terminator
VO: Most obvious copy write infringement
VO: Best use of the word "the"
VO: And a few others including best stealing of CGI
VO: Go see it!!!
Unplugged by the Janitor
Radio Ad 1
Voice Over: Something is happening.
VO: Murders day in and day out.
VO: Who could be responsible? Who would be responsible?
VO: Who would kill someone then dump their body over a ledge? Who could be so clever?
Hamann: Did you hear about the suicides near Morpheus's?
Morpheus: Oh my God, I think he's gonna jump!
Neo: Yeah, they jumped off the ledge and then shot each other mid fall.
VO: Coming this spring, reality takes a backseat to madness.
Merovingian: It's like wiping your ass with silk.
Morpheus: That's sounds like something a homo would do.
VO: Passion and love reign supreme
Matt: Yeah, we can't do that scene.
Neo/Jorge: Why not?
Matt: Because you are both under 18!
VO: And we add a chapter to a great movie .'s parody.
Agent Thompson: Hey you guys, if you ever have to jump off a bridge onto a moving truck, don't. I'll ruin your weekend.
VO: The Matrix: Unplugged by the Janitor
VO: That's right, a sequel.
Radio Ad 2
Voice Over: They're back! More mystery! More fun! More of Morpheus idiotic remarks! And I mean a lot more. And the mystery of Tank is solved! Coming in The Matrix: Unplugged by the Janitor!
Call Tech Support
Radio Ad 1
Voice Over: We left you with a cliffhanger. For a while you were worried what would happen, then you wondered about Neo, then you saw Revolutions and found out. Then you were tired, then Return of the King came out so you saw that, then you forgot about the matrix, then you fell asleep, then you remembered the parodies and heard this! Well, we're back and we have the final chapter! The Matrix: Call Tech Support!
The Oracle: Everything that has a beginning has an end.
Neo: What about a circle?
Agent Smith: Mister Anderson, welcome back. We missed you.
Movie Slogans
The Matrix: Reinstalled with Funny Capabilities
"Yes, we know the title sucks so don't bother pointing that out."
The Matrix: Unplugged by the Janitor
"That's right, it's a sequel. What are you gonna do about it?"
The Matrix: Call Tech Support
"Everything that has a beginning has an end. Thank God it's over. No more matrix movies!"
A Note From Us
Well, this is the end of this magical parody trilogy. What's next? Well, we already have planned a Lord of the Rings parody. But first, we are making these. Someday we'll put them up and you all will be able to see these. Soon we will put of the movie web site. You know that you will be the first people to know about it! Now you're probably asking yourself, "what's gonna be on the website?" Well, we are going to have video trailers, radio ads, interviews with the cast and creators, art from our talented executive producer, on the set pictures, posters, photographs, and the cast and crew. So to all of the people who read everything and those who read one sentence, thank you. As always, we ask for all your thoughts and changes so that we can make the best movies possible. Tell your friends! Spread the word! Again thank you all. Please keep this movie in your thoughts and prayers.
Thanks,
Matt Walljasper, Jorge Calderon, and the staff of Cursing Sailor Productions