Disclaimer: All the characters and dialogues belong to Roger Zelazny.
When I woke up, someone was holding his arm over my shoulders. This "someone" was Merlin. I could hear his voice:
"You're safe, Rinaldo knows you're here. Here's a chair. Do you want some water?"
There was no point in speculating if I was really safe and for how long if at all. So I just replied:
"Yes,"
I was thirsty so I drank the water. I tried to assess the situation. I was obviously Merlin's prisoner. I noticed two other people in the room. One of them was a white-haired man dressed in black. I had feeling I must have met him before, but I could not recall where and when. The other person was Nayda, a daughter of Begman ambassador. Her condition frightened me. She was paralyzed and it was very likely that these men did the same to me as they did to Nayda. On the other hand I had the feeling that there was something strange going on, something beyond my understanding, but I could not figure out what it was. I quickly realized there was no chance for me to escape. I feared about Rinaldo. Was he also a prisoner? If so, it would be another reason to become cooperative or pretend to be so. I was actually tempted to ask about Rinaldo, but I thought it would be unwise. Instead, I smiled and said:
"I take it, Merlin, that I am your prisoner."
"Guest," he replied.
It was something. No matter my real situation was, I knew that at least at that moment there was no danger. I decided to go on:
"Oh? - I said. How did this come about? Accepting the invitation escapes my mind."
"I brought you here from the citadel at the Keep of the Four Worlds in a somewhat cataleptic condition," Merlin answered.
I felt some relief. He was not responsible for my miserable state. But I still did not know where I was. I decided to ask him straight forward:
"And where might 'here' be?"
"My apartment in the Palace of Amber. " He answered and I felt devastated. This was the place no one liked me, so I could fear the worst.
"Prisoner, then," I stated.
"Guest," he insisted.
So possibly my first feeling that there was no direct danger was right. For some reason Merlin wanted me alive and even in good shape. At least for now. I thought it would be a good moment to ask about the other guy.
"In that case, I should be introduced, should I not?" - I stated.
Merlin replied immediately:
"Excuse me. Mandor, I introduce Her Highness Jasra, Queen of Kashfa. Your Majesty, I request leave to present my brother, Lord Mandor."
The man called Mandor approached, dropped to one knee, and kissed my hand.
I was equally impressed by his manners and surprised that Merlin had a brother. I did not know that Prince Corwin had more sons. So I said:
"I was not aware that the royal house here contained an individual named Mandor."
"Mandor is heir to the dukedom of Sawall in the Courts of Chaos," Merlin replied.
I knew, Merlin was also a son of Dara, my former mistress, the Lady of Chaos. She was angry when I decided to go my own way. This was another reason I did not like her son. One more thing I found surprising was that a person from Chaos could get to Amber apparently without any problems. I was tempted to ask Mandor how he got to Merlin's apartments, and if Dara was still continuing her conspiracy with Amber, but I felt it would be too risky. I chose a safer question:
"And you say he is your brother?"
"Indeed."
"You've succeeded in surprising me," I stated. "I had forgotten your double lineage." I exaggerated here. It is true that in recent years I usually thought of Merlin as of an Amberite, but I never forgot he was the son of my former mistress and now my opponent.
Merlin kept smiling. He approached Nayda and started introducing her, but I interrupted:
"I am acquainted with Nayda," I said. "Why is the girl . . . preoccupied?" I could not find a better word.
"That represents a matter of great complexity," Merlin said, "and there are other things I am certain you will find to be of much greater interest."
It seemed as if they wanted to give me a proposal. They were quite kind to me so it became clearer and clearer that they needed my help. In my situation I had to show some degree of cooperativeness, but not too much, so that Merlin and his brother do not understand it as the sign of weakness.
"Ah!" I said "That fragile, perishable item-the truth. When it surfaces so quickly there is usually a claustrophobia of circumstance. What is it that you want of me?"
Merlin was still smiling.
"It is good to appreciate circumstance," he said.
This way he reminded me that I should be grateful to him. Grateful for what? Not having been killed or tortured? Probably he was right. I tried to kill him so he had right to kill me. He didn't do so because he needed me. This was important. Anyway, I hate being in a situation I should express my gratefulness to someone, nevertheless I felt I should say something nice.
"I appreciate the fact that I am in Amber and alive and not occupying a cell, with two gentlemen behaving in a conciliatory fashion. I also appreciate the fact that I am not in the straits my most recent memories indicate I should occupy. And I have you to thank for my deliverance?" - I finally said.
"Yes." Merlin answered.
"Somehow I doubt it was a matter of altruism on your part" I added.
"I did it for Rinaldo. He tried getting you out once and got clobbered. Then I figured a way that might work, and I tried it. It did." Merlin answered.
He mentioned Rinaldo for the second time during our conversation. I became really afraid. He tried to rescue me and failed. What happened to him?
"Is he all right?" I asked.
"Yes," Merlin answered, but he did not sound very convincing.
"Then why is he not present?"
"He's off somewhere with Dalt. I'm not sure as to his location. But-"
"Bad influence, that barbarian," I interrupted, "I'd so wanted Rinaldo to acquire more of the courtly graces, rather than doing rude things on horseback much of the time. In this, I was disappointed."
While speaking I was looking at Mandor. I really liked him. I would be very happy if my son had friends like Mandor. I liked his good manners. I could also feel he, unlike my son or his friends, would always behave in a rational way. I know, every mother should remember that she must not chose friends for her son. But Rinaldo had really bad taste in this matter. Dalt, Merlin - I wonder who had worse influence on him. It would not be very diplomatic to express my feelings right now. Mandor would simply not believe my compliments are sincere in this situation, so I tried to change the topic.
"Do you have something stronger than water?" - I asked.
Merlin uncorked a bottle of wine and poured some into my goblet. I could not stop glancing at Mandor and thinking about Rinaldo.
"But you have to admit he did well in that track meet against UCLA, in his sophomore year. A certain amount of that comes from the more vigorous side of life." Merlin did not allow me to change the topic.
I remembered that day very well. I always came to the meets my son participated. He did not know that. I knew he would have been unhappy if he had known. But now there was no reason to keep it secret any more.
"Yes. He broke a world record that day. I can still see him passing over the final hurdle." I said.
"You were there?"
"Oh, yes. I attended all of your meets. I even watched you run, Not bad." I wanted to talk more about it, but Merlin offered me a meal.
"No," I said "I'm not really hungry. We were talking about truth a little while ago. . . ." I wanted to come back to our main topic.
"So we were. I gather there had been some sorcerous exchange back at the Keep, between you and Mask." Merlin started talking.
I was wandering what Mask was. I really did not remember much from the Keep. Just the feeling of uneasiness and the feeling I met someone I had known before.
"Mask?" I asked.
"The blue-masked sorcerer who rules there now."
Now I remembered. A sorcerer. Yes, he did wear something blue. Blue mask? I know a person who liked cobalt blue very much. Another familiar thing was a spell that was probably cast on me. Was it the same type of spell I used a long time ago against Sharu Garrul? If so, I could think only of two people who could do this. Both were dead. Victor Melman - killed by Merlin and Julia - killed by a beast sent by Victor Melman - at least I used to think in such a way. I was angry with Julia, because she decided to leave me (in the same way I decided to leave Dara). It was possible that she faked her death, because she was afraid I would prevent her from doing things she always wanted to do (if it was taking over my Keep - she was absolutely right, I must admit). Of course there was no point in telling Merlin about my suspicions. The less he knows the better for me, especially in my situation. I just confirmed I remembered a sorcerer.
"Oh, yes. Quite." I said
"I do have the story right, don't I?"
That made sense. I was fighting the new ruler of the Keep, probably my former servant. I lost and was rescued by Merlin - my enemy. I hate being saved by people I had arguments with. Of course, I couldn't express my feelings. Instead I said:
"Yes, but the encounter was more than a little traumatic. Forgive my hesitation. I was surprised and did not get my defenses up in time. That was really all there was to it. It will not happen again." I really wanted to convince Merlin I was not a bad sorceress. It was the matter of my "professional pride" I would say. I do not like when my enemies underestimate me.
"I'm sure. But-"
I really did not want to hear the rest. I did not want to hear him saying that I owe him anything. I knew it was true, but I did not want to hear that. So I interrupted with a question:
"Did you spirit me away? Or did you actually fight with Mask to get me free?"
"We fought," He answered.
He fought, so possibly he killed the Mask. Why didn't he take power over the Keep himself, then? No, it's unlikely the Mask was killed. I chose a pretty safe question:
"In what condition did you leave Mask?"
"Buried under a pile of manure," Merlin answered.
It made me laugh.
"Wonderful! I like a man with a sense of humor."
"I have to go back," He said quickly.
Go back? So fear that the Mask is still in power came through. It became clearer and clearer why Merlin was so kind to me, but I pretended not to understand the whole story.
"Oh? Why is that?" I asked.
"Because Mask is now allied with an enemy of mine - man named Jurt, who desires my death."
Now I was sure. Merlin needed my help so my position was not so hopeless I had thought before. I will help him, because it would be a chance to regain my Keep. However I did not want to show Merlin (I still regarded enemy) how happy I was. I decided to pretend indifference.
"If Mask is no match for you, I fail to see where Mask and this man should represent a great problem." I said.
At this moment Mandor who had been silent so far said:.
"Begging your leave, but Jurt is a shape shifter and minor sorcerer from the Courts. He also has power over Shadow."
"I suppose that would make something of a difference," I said.
"Not as much as what the two of them apparently plan to accomplish," Merlin said. "I believe that Mask intends running Jurt through the same ritual your late husband undertook-something involving the Fount of Power."
This was too much for me! He mentioned Brand, my beloved husband and he mentioned something I always opposed. Brand was a great man, but he liked dealing with things he could not fully understand. He successfully went through the Fount ritual and he became very power-thirsty, which does not necessarily have to be wrong by its own. But he also believed the Fount made him undefeatable. Later on it was tragically proved how wrong he was.
"No!" I cried, and stood up so rapidly that I spilt the rest of wine. "It must not happen again!"
I allowed myself to reveal my real feelings:
"I lost him because of that . . . ," I said.
Then I felt ashamed. I always told myself I must not show my weakness, especially before my enemies. So I decided to stop talking about things, which made me cry.
"I had not finished my wine," I said.
"I'll get you another glass," Merlin answered.
"And is that a mirror on the table?" I added.
I did not know how long I had been frozen, but I guessed I must have looked rather miserable. After I comb my hair I will know what to answer.
When I woke up, someone was holding his arm over my shoulders. This "someone" was Merlin. I could hear his voice:
"You're safe, Rinaldo knows you're here. Here's a chair. Do you want some water?"
There was no point in speculating if I was really safe and for how long if at all. So I just replied:
"Yes,"
I was thirsty so I drank the water. I tried to assess the situation. I was obviously Merlin's prisoner. I noticed two other people in the room. One of them was a white-haired man dressed in black. I had feeling I must have met him before, but I could not recall where and when. The other person was Nayda, a daughter of Begman ambassador. Her condition frightened me. She was paralyzed and it was very likely that these men did the same to me as they did to Nayda. On the other hand I had the feeling that there was something strange going on, something beyond my understanding, but I could not figure out what it was. I quickly realized there was no chance for me to escape. I feared about Rinaldo. Was he also a prisoner? If so, it would be another reason to become cooperative or pretend to be so. I was actually tempted to ask about Rinaldo, but I thought it would be unwise. Instead, I smiled and said:
"I take it, Merlin, that I am your prisoner."
"Guest," he replied.
It was something. No matter my real situation was, I knew that at least at that moment there was no danger. I decided to go on:
"Oh? - I said. How did this come about? Accepting the invitation escapes my mind."
"I brought you here from the citadel at the Keep of the Four Worlds in a somewhat cataleptic condition," Merlin answered.
I felt some relief. He was not responsible for my miserable state. But I still did not know where I was. I decided to ask him straight forward:
"And where might 'here' be?"
"My apartment in the Palace of Amber. " He answered and I felt devastated. This was the place no one liked me, so I could fear the worst.
"Prisoner, then," I stated.
"Guest," he insisted.
So possibly my first feeling that there was no direct danger was right. For some reason Merlin wanted me alive and even in good shape. At least for now. I thought it would be a good moment to ask about the other guy.
"In that case, I should be introduced, should I not?" - I stated.
Merlin replied immediately:
"Excuse me. Mandor, I introduce Her Highness Jasra, Queen of Kashfa. Your Majesty, I request leave to present my brother, Lord Mandor."
The man called Mandor approached, dropped to one knee, and kissed my hand.
I was equally impressed by his manners and surprised that Merlin had a brother. I did not know that Prince Corwin had more sons. So I said:
"I was not aware that the royal house here contained an individual named Mandor."
"Mandor is heir to the dukedom of Sawall in the Courts of Chaos," Merlin replied.
I knew, Merlin was also a son of Dara, my former mistress, the Lady of Chaos. She was angry when I decided to go my own way. This was another reason I did not like her son. One more thing I found surprising was that a person from Chaos could get to Amber apparently without any problems. I was tempted to ask Mandor how he got to Merlin's apartments, and if Dara was still continuing her conspiracy with Amber, but I felt it would be too risky. I chose a safer question:
"And you say he is your brother?"
"Indeed."
"You've succeeded in surprising me," I stated. "I had forgotten your double lineage." I exaggerated here. It is true that in recent years I usually thought of Merlin as of an Amberite, but I never forgot he was the son of my former mistress and now my opponent.
Merlin kept smiling. He approached Nayda and started introducing her, but I interrupted:
"I am acquainted with Nayda," I said. "Why is the girl . . . preoccupied?" I could not find a better word.
"That represents a matter of great complexity," Merlin said, "and there are other things I am certain you will find to be of much greater interest."
It seemed as if they wanted to give me a proposal. They were quite kind to me so it became clearer and clearer that they needed my help. In my situation I had to show some degree of cooperativeness, but not too much, so that Merlin and his brother do not understand it as the sign of weakness.
"Ah!" I said "That fragile, perishable item-the truth. When it surfaces so quickly there is usually a claustrophobia of circumstance. What is it that you want of me?"
Merlin was still smiling.
"It is good to appreciate circumstance," he said.
This way he reminded me that I should be grateful to him. Grateful for what? Not having been killed or tortured? Probably he was right. I tried to kill him so he had right to kill me. He didn't do so because he needed me. This was important. Anyway, I hate being in a situation I should express my gratefulness to someone, nevertheless I felt I should say something nice.
"I appreciate the fact that I am in Amber and alive and not occupying a cell, with two gentlemen behaving in a conciliatory fashion. I also appreciate the fact that I am not in the straits my most recent memories indicate I should occupy. And I have you to thank for my deliverance?" - I finally said.
"Yes." Merlin answered.
"Somehow I doubt it was a matter of altruism on your part" I added.
"I did it for Rinaldo. He tried getting you out once and got clobbered. Then I figured a way that might work, and I tried it. It did." Merlin answered.
He mentioned Rinaldo for the second time during our conversation. I became really afraid. He tried to rescue me and failed. What happened to him?
"Is he all right?" I asked.
"Yes," Merlin answered, but he did not sound very convincing.
"Then why is he not present?"
"He's off somewhere with Dalt. I'm not sure as to his location. But-"
"Bad influence, that barbarian," I interrupted, "I'd so wanted Rinaldo to acquire more of the courtly graces, rather than doing rude things on horseback much of the time. In this, I was disappointed."
While speaking I was looking at Mandor. I really liked him. I would be very happy if my son had friends like Mandor. I liked his good manners. I could also feel he, unlike my son or his friends, would always behave in a rational way. I know, every mother should remember that she must not chose friends for her son. But Rinaldo had really bad taste in this matter. Dalt, Merlin - I wonder who had worse influence on him. It would not be very diplomatic to express my feelings right now. Mandor would simply not believe my compliments are sincere in this situation, so I tried to change the topic.
"Do you have something stronger than water?" - I asked.
Merlin uncorked a bottle of wine and poured some into my goblet. I could not stop glancing at Mandor and thinking about Rinaldo.
"But you have to admit he did well in that track meet against UCLA, in his sophomore year. A certain amount of that comes from the more vigorous side of life." Merlin did not allow me to change the topic.
I remembered that day very well. I always came to the meets my son participated. He did not know that. I knew he would have been unhappy if he had known. But now there was no reason to keep it secret any more.
"Yes. He broke a world record that day. I can still see him passing over the final hurdle." I said.
"You were there?"
"Oh, yes. I attended all of your meets. I even watched you run, Not bad." I wanted to talk more about it, but Merlin offered me a meal.
"No," I said "I'm not really hungry. We were talking about truth a little while ago. . . ." I wanted to come back to our main topic.
"So we were. I gather there had been some sorcerous exchange back at the Keep, between you and Mask." Merlin started talking.
I was wandering what Mask was. I really did not remember much from the Keep. Just the feeling of uneasiness and the feeling I met someone I had known before.
"Mask?" I asked.
"The blue-masked sorcerer who rules there now."
Now I remembered. A sorcerer. Yes, he did wear something blue. Blue mask? I know a person who liked cobalt blue very much. Another familiar thing was a spell that was probably cast on me. Was it the same type of spell I used a long time ago against Sharu Garrul? If so, I could think only of two people who could do this. Both were dead. Victor Melman - killed by Merlin and Julia - killed by a beast sent by Victor Melman - at least I used to think in such a way. I was angry with Julia, because she decided to leave me (in the same way I decided to leave Dara). It was possible that she faked her death, because she was afraid I would prevent her from doing things she always wanted to do (if it was taking over my Keep - she was absolutely right, I must admit). Of course there was no point in telling Merlin about my suspicions. The less he knows the better for me, especially in my situation. I just confirmed I remembered a sorcerer.
"Oh, yes. Quite." I said
"I do have the story right, don't I?"
That made sense. I was fighting the new ruler of the Keep, probably my former servant. I lost and was rescued by Merlin - my enemy. I hate being saved by people I had arguments with. Of course, I couldn't express my feelings. Instead I said:
"Yes, but the encounter was more than a little traumatic. Forgive my hesitation. I was surprised and did not get my defenses up in time. That was really all there was to it. It will not happen again." I really wanted to convince Merlin I was not a bad sorceress. It was the matter of my "professional pride" I would say. I do not like when my enemies underestimate me.
"I'm sure. But-"
I really did not want to hear the rest. I did not want to hear him saying that I owe him anything. I knew it was true, but I did not want to hear that. So I interrupted with a question:
"Did you spirit me away? Or did you actually fight with Mask to get me free?"
"We fought," He answered.
He fought, so possibly he killed the Mask. Why didn't he take power over the Keep himself, then? No, it's unlikely the Mask was killed. I chose a pretty safe question:
"In what condition did you leave Mask?"
"Buried under a pile of manure," Merlin answered.
It made me laugh.
"Wonderful! I like a man with a sense of humor."
"I have to go back," He said quickly.
Go back? So fear that the Mask is still in power came through. It became clearer and clearer why Merlin was so kind to me, but I pretended not to understand the whole story.
"Oh? Why is that?" I asked.
"Because Mask is now allied with an enemy of mine - man named Jurt, who desires my death."
Now I was sure. Merlin needed my help so my position was not so hopeless I had thought before. I will help him, because it would be a chance to regain my Keep. However I did not want to show Merlin (I still regarded enemy) how happy I was. I decided to pretend indifference.
"If Mask is no match for you, I fail to see where Mask and this man should represent a great problem." I said.
At this moment Mandor who had been silent so far said:.
"Begging your leave, but Jurt is a shape shifter and minor sorcerer from the Courts. He also has power over Shadow."
"I suppose that would make something of a difference," I said.
"Not as much as what the two of them apparently plan to accomplish," Merlin said. "I believe that Mask intends running Jurt through the same ritual your late husband undertook-something involving the Fount of Power."
This was too much for me! He mentioned Brand, my beloved husband and he mentioned something I always opposed. Brand was a great man, but he liked dealing with things he could not fully understand. He successfully went through the Fount ritual and he became very power-thirsty, which does not necessarily have to be wrong by its own. But he also believed the Fount made him undefeatable. Later on it was tragically proved how wrong he was.
"No!" I cried, and stood up so rapidly that I spilt the rest of wine. "It must not happen again!"
I allowed myself to reveal my real feelings:
"I lost him because of that . . . ," I said.
Then I felt ashamed. I always told myself I must not show my weakness, especially before my enemies. So I decided to stop talking about things, which made me cry.
"I had not finished my wine," I said.
"I'll get you another glass," Merlin answered.
"And is that a mirror on the table?" I added.
I did not know how long I had been frozen, but I guessed I must have looked rather miserable. After I comb my hair I will know what to answer.