Author's note: This scene is very different from the others because it takes place in Stan's point of view, so this is a first person formatted chapter entirely through his eyes and thoughts, in case the format and trying to figure out who's talking confuses you.
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I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm hungry but I don't wanna eat. I wanna put on something to watch or listen to, but I don't feel like getting up. I wanna get out of my room but I don't have the energy to do it. This isn't how I was supposed to spend a day like this. I should be talking to her on the phone or getting ready to go to her house or inviting her to watch me kick Cartman's ass at some game. I shouldn't be reminding myself that I can't ever see her again period.
Was it all for nothing? 8 years ago I worked my ass off to stop being nervous around her, and I almost died from a fucking maturity drug that made me get older for my trouble. I thought that since I got through so much to even kiss her, it couldn't end this way. I thought that when I took a bullet to save her life from Widmark in jail, it couldn't end this way. The last 8 years of my life have largely been spent building on my relationship and love for this one girl. All my efforts were supposed to help us live the rest of our lives together. But now that that can never be....was it for nothing? Did I just waste half of my life on a dream that God didn't plan to come true for me?
Ah, God. I somehow still remember seeing Him in Vegas at the millenium. He played a cruel trick on me when he said I can't have a period, and now He does this as a sequel. He knows how hard I worked to be with her, yet He took her anyway. He basically told me that it didn't matter what I did for her and what she did for me, it was all for nothing, cause if it wasn't, we'd still be looking forward to graduating high school together. But we aren't, are we?! ARE WE?!!
Well, I just knocked my lamp over, I guess that should get someone's attention.....no, no one's coming. Not even my parents have been able to talk to me about this. No one has. They all see that I'm in pain and I'm in trouble, so why isn't anyone coming over to help me? Don't they see I can't try and move on without some guidance from someone? I'll even take Cartman coming over to say something, cause at least once he says that I should be happy the "bitch" is gone, I can regain the energy to kill him. That'll get me riled up and out of bed. But no, I don't hear anyone heading for my room. I don't hear anyone saying "You gotta get outta here and move on, you gotta live life." But what good is life when the only girl I've ever loved is gone?
I don't know how I remembered it, but that's exactly what I said in that dumbass National Trash article 8 years ago- or what they claimed I said. Somehow I can relate more to that story now. They said that she broke up with me and I grieved so much about it that I became a goth, then when Butters helped me recover I flipped her off and went on with my life, glad that no bitchy girl could take my man time away from me now. That was a complete work of fucking fiction of course. But now that I'm in that position where I lost her for good, I wonder if it wasn't so much a made up article that the editor claimed to be more "realistic" than our real love adventures, or a prophecy. Am I going to be this sad over her loss forever that I'll seem like a pathetic joke that's no better than a goth? Will I be willing to throw the rest of my life away just because I don't have a girlfriend anymore and no girl can take my man time away? I don't think I'm that pathetic. But then what's left?
Without her, the biggest part of my life, how can I possibly rearrange my future without her?
And why the fuck can't I even say or think about her fucking name?!!
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It's the same thing every day now. Since I don't have to go back to school yet, I can just wake up, get some breakfast from Mom, watch TV without really watching what's going on, ignore the uncomfortable silence between me and my parents, sit outside to myself for a while, walk around town, hear some comments from people about how sorry they are about what happened, go back home, eat dinner, then go right to sleep. I think I get how I'm supposed to "move on" now.
Now for the part where I walk around town trying to get some fresh air, but really not getting my mind off of anything. So here I am walking down some street and trying not to remember the things we did in many of the places I'm passing by. Maybe when I pass by the local resteraunt, I won't remember that we had our last date there and we were supposed to have one that night. Nope, that didn't work. Oh look, here comes Kyle all of a sudden. Wonder why he wants to talk to me now?
"Hey Stan, we're all going to throw large snowballs with rocks in them at cars, wanna join us?" Oh I see, get me to cheer up by playing a game we outgrew when we were 11, great plan. But it looks like he's still going. "Come on Stan, we can make it a game to see how many windows we can break, you don't want Cartman to be the champ in that game, do you?" Oh, he knows what the hell I want, and he's doing a piss poor job of pretending like it never happened, and I can just go back to the way things were without thinking about what things should be like, the pretensious bastard!
Okay, maybe it wasn't fair to think that way about my other best friend, the one who's still alive, so I'd better go before I actually say that out loud. But there he goes following me. "Stan, if you don't wanna play that game, is there something else you wanna play that we can do together?" There's nothing that can get my mind off anything for more than 5 minutes, so what the hell would be the point? Wonder if he bothered to think of that.
"Look Stan, we all miss her and I do too, okay?! But do you think she would want you to keep being like this? Do you think she would want you to keep feeling miserable instead of living life the way you were planning to before? No, I don't think she would! The best way you can honor her is to live your life and prove that everything she did to help you be a better person wasn't for nothing!" Okay, I think it's time to turn around and bring some reality to this conversation.
"If it was for nothing, why isn't she here?! She was supposed to help me through all my problems forever, or else why would she have set me up like this? You're telling me I should accept that she did everything she did for me just to have it end like that, unfinished and alone?!"
"Well what choice do you have now?! I'm sorry, but that's what I finally figured out I had to say to you! No one's been talking to you because we didn't know how to get you to move on, how could we know after how we saw you react to her death?! But it's clear you need some tough love sooner rather than later before you get even worse!"
"Love?" Now that was a huge laugh and a dumb fucking thing to say, and I was gonna tell him why. "Don't you fucking tell me about love! Who are you to be an expert on love when you never even loved someone to lose like this!! I'm the only fucking expert on love in this fucking town! But there's no way I can get it back!"
"We all know it'll take you years to forget about her, but-" Oh, that did it.
"Forget?! Have you been fucking listening to me, Kyle?!! I can't forget!! This whole Goddamm town won't let me forget, and it's not just because of the get well wishes! Every single thing in this town reminds me of her! I can look at anything here and remember the time me and her went there to do stuff! I can remember every place we ever made out! I can remember all our milestones and every place we had them in! I can never go to Stark's Pond again and that was one of my favorite places to relax, and now it's filled with fucking memories of what I had and why I can't stand it that I lost it all! Don't you get it, man?!"
"Then, then maybe you should go on vacation for a while and come back when you don't remember all that."
"When I don't remember it? Those memories make up most of my fucking life!! How can I not remember most of my whole fucking life, Kyle?!! You're the smartest person in town now, you gotta have an answer for that, don't you?!" I'm not even gonna give him a chance to answer, since the more he talks, the more he's reminding me of stuff instead of making me feel better, so I'm just gonna walk away. "Stan? Stan, you can't leave!!"
"I'm not the one who left and gave me enough memories so I could never be able to forget her and all this fucking pain! You remember that the next time you try this shit!" Of course, now I wish there won't be a next time cause this time was bad enough. There goes my chance to have a relatively peaceful walk now.
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That fucking Kyle. Why did he have to make me say that everything reminds me of her?! Now I remember that everything does remind me of her! There's the spot where we made out to see how long we could make out without taking a breath. And there's where I saved her from tripping on a rock and breaking her leg when we were 14. We hid behind that building over there when we wanted to get away from 6'th graders. And that's.....that's the drug store where I bought condoms for that one last special night.....oh God, they're still in my coat pocket! I can't carry these around, I gotta throw them away and get out of here!
Now I have no idea where I'm running towards now, I'm just running because I don't know what else to do. Maybe if I run fast enough I'll get distracted by some kind of flashing light and find something else to think about. I'll just keep running and.....no, actually I'm running out of breath. I'll just slow down a bit to get my strength to run away back. All right, now where am I?
Oh shit.
I just had to run and stop right near where the accident was. They're fixing the mailbox right now, some people are actually taking some last pictures before the site gets fixed up. And about 5 houses down is Butters house. Butters. I wonder why I'm starting to get mad the more I think about that name? I know I should just turn away now, but this anger feels so justified that I'm not gonna. I'm gonna go right up to his house, as a matter of fact.
Okay, I'm in front of the house now. I can't see him through any of the windows, and that's probably a good thing for him. I always knew letting a lame, goody two shoes Melvin hang out with us was a bad idea, but how could I know it'd be this bad? And who was he to talk about how much Wendy helped him at the eulogy? As if she did more for him than she did for me. Well, guess what pal? I'm the one she fell in love with no matter what stupid shit I did! I'm the one she stayed with even with all the shit she went through cause of me! I'm the one who she made love to the night before she went to your house and then got taken away from me!! Your house, buddy, not mine! You took her away when she should have been at home getting ready for our big date!!
Oh, having someone to feel angry at about this whole thing is working better than I thought! It's even better to think about what I should do to that guy. I should hit him or something to make him see what taking her away from me led me to do. I should punch him a few times at that. I should bash his head in with a lamp or something. I should break his balls like he made her break someone else's balls! I should crush something against his chest and make him lose too much blood to live, then maybe he'll see what a mistake he made!! Then his parents will have to live through the type of hell Ann Testaburger is going through right now, then maybe there'll be a balance in the world again! I should do all that right now if I was more certain that I'd get a free pass by everyone for it!
Well, what do we have here? There he is looking at me through his bedroom window. He looks scared since I probably look real angry, the scared little bitch. Just because he's too much of a fag to be a man, he had to make her fight those dumbass people for him when she should have been with me! That fucking pussy faggot gets to live out his pussy life and she doesn't?!! I swear to God I'm gonna fix that right now!
"WENDY!!!!"
Huh. I was gonna go kill him, but I actually yelled out her name instead. But somehow it looks like it made the guy cry anyway. Look at him through that window, he's crying because I said her name and reminded him that she's dead!
It's almost like.....almost like the way I cried when it got through to me that she died.
I cried like that because I was so unhappy and so sad that I was gonna miss her this much the rest of my life, just like it looks like he does. I mean, the guy's so sensitive that he probably knows this is mostly his fault. It would be just like him to beat himself up and feel horrible about her death because he missed her. Not the way I miss her, but he misses her all the same. Or else why would he have stepped in and given that eulogy to begin with?
So now I want to kill someone who may have had an indirect role in her death at best, and therefore kill someone who's going through the tinest bit of pain that I'll have to live with every single day? Kill someone who misses her and knows first hand why she should be missed? But, but then what am I supposed to do to respond to this? Who can I pass blame to? How can I rationalize this if I can't say it was the fault of one stupid guy? What the fuck am I supposed to feel about anything?!
I gotta get out of here, man, cause I'm not gonna find anything close to an answer here, just more questions I can barely go on to live with.
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Now as I walk through the valley of snow, I have to remember one other thing I said long ago. When I saved Kyle from dying by getting him Cartman's kidney, I told him that I didn't want him to die until I did. If she had survived, I probably would have said to her "I don't want you to die until I do" too. And I didn't. If I had the chance, could I have given my life for hers if she could live? It would mean I still wouldn't be able to spend my life with her, but would it be a better alternative than having her die and being unable to do all the great, meaningful things as an adult that she always wanted? The more I think of it, the more I think I would have let her have that, even if I had to go to Heaven in her place.
I know that if God exists, a Heaven probably exists, so at least I know she's somewhere. I wonder if she's watching me up there. I wonder if she's ranting and raving at God for doing this to her like I'm doing. I wonder if she knows how cruel it is that all I can do is wonder. And I'll never be able to break out of it until I die along with her. That will be in about 50 years or so with my luck.
God, why did this happen? I know I should be trying to move on. I know I could be labeled as pathetic and a stupid wuss for missing her that much, like I was in that tabloid story. I know she would want me to make the best of my life. A part of me probably does want to move on. But I spent the last 8 years of my life with her. That's enough time to make plans for the rest of my life that all involve....Wendy. Jesus Christ, even after I yelled her name to Butters I can't even think about her name without going crazy! Wendy.....Wendy....how can I live the rest of my life knowing that if Wendy was still with me, I would be so much more happier than I was at that moment? Knowing that every moment of my life from now on would have been better and more forfilling with her around sucks!! And there's absolutly nothing I can do to stop it! Fuck it all to-
Oh shit! If I had gone a few more steps, I would have fallen off this cliff. Jesus, I must have walked really far to get to the
ocal cliff with that frozen river about 500 feet below. I could have been killed and sent right to Heaven with Wendy, that would have finally shut me up and solved all my problems.
Solved all my problems? Boy, I just thought that suicide would solve my problems, I must be nuts. Even though dying would make sure I wouldn't have to think this shit every day, and since I know there's a Heaven I'd be right with Wendy again, then wait about 40 or 50 years for the others to join us so we'd all be together again. If I didn't bring myself to my senses to realize how dumb that is, it would actually sound like a great idea. But in all fairness, I can't really remember it sounding that stupid.
I can't see Wendy again until I die, and since there must be an afterlife I know I'm gonna see her. I'm a good guy and I got screwed over, so God would have to put me in Heaven with her! And all my good friends are good people, so when they die, they'll go to Heaven and we can see them again! Sure, they would be pissed off if I killed myself, but by the time they died and came to Heaven, I'd have all of eternity to get them to forgive me and hang out with me again! Until then I would have Wendy by my side again and I would get to be with her and meet the coolest dead people that ever lived! There's no way I could ever get that pleasure by staying alive! There's nothing left for me here that'll make up for the hell I have to go through now! It would be all gone if I went to Heaven right now!
Wait, I'd better think of the downside to this before I do something dumb. If me and Ann could feel like this because Wendy died, and if I could think it would be better to kill myself because of it....what makes me think that someone wouldn't do this for me? How do I know that my Mom or Dad or Kyle or someone else I know wouldn't be miserable forever if I died? Is that really worth satisfying my own desire to see Wendy in death? I don't want to be remembered as a selfish son of a bitch. But like I said, once they die, I can always make it up to them when they get to Heaven.
I still feel like I have to think about other people's feelings first....but what did caring about other people get me? I want to kill myself because I care so much about another person that this is how I wanna see her again! And now when I have an idea to get us back together, I have to abandon it because I have to care about other people's feelings?! What about my feelings?! God didn't care about any of my feelings when He had Wendy killed, if it's okay for Him not to care about me, why should it be so evil for me not to care about them and let that stop me from seeing Wendy?! Yeah, I'll miss Kyle and Kenny and my parents and Ms Testaburger and a few others, but it's not like I'm really never gonna see them again! Why can't I have something that I deserve until then, like reuniting with the girl I'm in love with and who I lost my virginity to?! I deserve that, not this fucking sham of real life! If I can get it back this way, why shouldn't I take it?!
There is no real reason why I shouldn't take it, that's what!
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Well, this is it. I went back to town and got a piece of paper and a pencil, wrote my suicide note telling them exactly why I'm doing this and that I'll see them again, now I just need to place the note under a rock on the ground so people will see it. There we go. Now here I am, on the edge of the cliff with my suicide note under a nearby rock, and my chance to see my girlfriend again is just a jump away from happening.
So here I am, about to kill myself. I'm about to leave tons of people and lots of friends behind just to see one girl again. But in return, I get that and an eternity in Heaven because aside from a few small times when I was a jackass to a few people, that's where I'm gonna go. I should take more time to see the downside in that, but the upside looks more and more tempting, so I can't risk chickening out at the last minute! Not when I'm so close.
Therefore, until a few decades from now I have to say goodbye. Goodbye Ann. Goodbye Kenny. Goodbye Butters. Goodbye Bebe. Goodbye Cartman. Goodbye other people in my class. Goodbye Dad. Goodbye Mom.....and goodbye Kyle. I hope they remember how much I cared about all of them and valued their friendship and love as well. True, it wasn't enough love and friendship to stop me from doing this, but I hope they feel some consulation eventually. Oh geez, now I really have to go before I think about what they might do after this again. I really gotta go and.....there I go.
Oh God, this fall is really fast. But Wendy, I'm coming for you now. I'm going to Heaven where good people go, and it doesn't allow any bad people there or people that kill themselves. Hey, wait a minute. I remember Father Maxi saying one day that Widmark wasn't going to Heaven or Hell because he killed himself, he was going to.....wait, wait a minute!! Wait, this isn't fa-
Thud.
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I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm hungry but I don't wanna eat. I wanna put on something to watch or listen to, but I don't feel like getting up. I wanna get out of my room but I don't have the energy to do it. This isn't how I was supposed to spend a day like this. I should be talking to her on the phone or getting ready to go to her house or inviting her to watch me kick Cartman's ass at some game. I shouldn't be reminding myself that I can't ever see her again period.
Was it all for nothing? 8 years ago I worked my ass off to stop being nervous around her, and I almost died from a fucking maturity drug that made me get older for my trouble. I thought that since I got through so much to even kiss her, it couldn't end this way. I thought that when I took a bullet to save her life from Widmark in jail, it couldn't end this way. The last 8 years of my life have largely been spent building on my relationship and love for this one girl. All my efforts were supposed to help us live the rest of our lives together. But now that that can never be....was it for nothing? Did I just waste half of my life on a dream that God didn't plan to come true for me?
Ah, God. I somehow still remember seeing Him in Vegas at the millenium. He played a cruel trick on me when he said I can't have a period, and now He does this as a sequel. He knows how hard I worked to be with her, yet He took her anyway. He basically told me that it didn't matter what I did for her and what she did for me, it was all for nothing, cause if it wasn't, we'd still be looking forward to graduating high school together. But we aren't, are we?! ARE WE?!!
Well, I just knocked my lamp over, I guess that should get someone's attention.....no, no one's coming. Not even my parents have been able to talk to me about this. No one has. They all see that I'm in pain and I'm in trouble, so why isn't anyone coming over to help me? Don't they see I can't try and move on without some guidance from someone? I'll even take Cartman coming over to say something, cause at least once he says that I should be happy the "bitch" is gone, I can regain the energy to kill him. That'll get me riled up and out of bed. But no, I don't hear anyone heading for my room. I don't hear anyone saying "You gotta get outta here and move on, you gotta live life." But what good is life when the only girl I've ever loved is gone?
I don't know how I remembered it, but that's exactly what I said in that dumbass National Trash article 8 years ago- or what they claimed I said. Somehow I can relate more to that story now. They said that she broke up with me and I grieved so much about it that I became a goth, then when Butters helped me recover I flipped her off and went on with my life, glad that no bitchy girl could take my man time away from me now. That was a complete work of fucking fiction of course. But now that I'm in that position where I lost her for good, I wonder if it wasn't so much a made up article that the editor claimed to be more "realistic" than our real love adventures, or a prophecy. Am I going to be this sad over her loss forever that I'll seem like a pathetic joke that's no better than a goth? Will I be willing to throw the rest of my life away just because I don't have a girlfriend anymore and no girl can take my man time away? I don't think I'm that pathetic. But then what's left?
Without her, the biggest part of my life, how can I possibly rearrange my future without her?
And why the fuck can't I even say or think about her fucking name?!!
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It's the same thing every day now. Since I don't have to go back to school yet, I can just wake up, get some breakfast from Mom, watch TV without really watching what's going on, ignore the uncomfortable silence between me and my parents, sit outside to myself for a while, walk around town, hear some comments from people about how sorry they are about what happened, go back home, eat dinner, then go right to sleep. I think I get how I'm supposed to "move on" now.
Now for the part where I walk around town trying to get some fresh air, but really not getting my mind off of anything. So here I am walking down some street and trying not to remember the things we did in many of the places I'm passing by. Maybe when I pass by the local resteraunt, I won't remember that we had our last date there and we were supposed to have one that night. Nope, that didn't work. Oh look, here comes Kyle all of a sudden. Wonder why he wants to talk to me now?
"Hey Stan, we're all going to throw large snowballs with rocks in them at cars, wanna join us?" Oh I see, get me to cheer up by playing a game we outgrew when we were 11, great plan. But it looks like he's still going. "Come on Stan, we can make it a game to see how many windows we can break, you don't want Cartman to be the champ in that game, do you?" Oh, he knows what the hell I want, and he's doing a piss poor job of pretending like it never happened, and I can just go back to the way things were without thinking about what things should be like, the pretensious bastard!
Okay, maybe it wasn't fair to think that way about my other best friend, the one who's still alive, so I'd better go before I actually say that out loud. But there he goes following me. "Stan, if you don't wanna play that game, is there something else you wanna play that we can do together?" There's nothing that can get my mind off anything for more than 5 minutes, so what the hell would be the point? Wonder if he bothered to think of that.
"Look Stan, we all miss her and I do too, okay?! But do you think she would want you to keep being like this? Do you think she would want you to keep feeling miserable instead of living life the way you were planning to before? No, I don't think she would! The best way you can honor her is to live your life and prove that everything she did to help you be a better person wasn't for nothing!" Okay, I think it's time to turn around and bring some reality to this conversation.
"If it was for nothing, why isn't she here?! She was supposed to help me through all my problems forever, or else why would she have set me up like this? You're telling me I should accept that she did everything she did for me just to have it end like that, unfinished and alone?!"
"Well what choice do you have now?! I'm sorry, but that's what I finally figured out I had to say to you! No one's been talking to you because we didn't know how to get you to move on, how could we know after how we saw you react to her death?! But it's clear you need some tough love sooner rather than later before you get even worse!"
"Love?" Now that was a huge laugh and a dumb fucking thing to say, and I was gonna tell him why. "Don't you fucking tell me about love! Who are you to be an expert on love when you never even loved someone to lose like this!! I'm the only fucking expert on love in this fucking town! But there's no way I can get it back!"
"We all know it'll take you years to forget about her, but-" Oh, that did it.
"Forget?! Have you been fucking listening to me, Kyle?!! I can't forget!! This whole Goddamm town won't let me forget, and it's not just because of the get well wishes! Every single thing in this town reminds me of her! I can look at anything here and remember the time me and her went there to do stuff! I can remember every place we ever made out! I can remember all our milestones and every place we had them in! I can never go to Stark's Pond again and that was one of my favorite places to relax, and now it's filled with fucking memories of what I had and why I can't stand it that I lost it all! Don't you get it, man?!"
"Then, then maybe you should go on vacation for a while and come back when you don't remember all that."
"When I don't remember it? Those memories make up most of my fucking life!! How can I not remember most of my whole fucking life, Kyle?!! You're the smartest person in town now, you gotta have an answer for that, don't you?!" I'm not even gonna give him a chance to answer, since the more he talks, the more he's reminding me of stuff instead of making me feel better, so I'm just gonna walk away. "Stan? Stan, you can't leave!!"
"I'm not the one who left and gave me enough memories so I could never be able to forget her and all this fucking pain! You remember that the next time you try this shit!" Of course, now I wish there won't be a next time cause this time was bad enough. There goes my chance to have a relatively peaceful walk now.
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That fucking Kyle. Why did he have to make me say that everything reminds me of her?! Now I remember that everything does remind me of her! There's the spot where we made out to see how long we could make out without taking a breath. And there's where I saved her from tripping on a rock and breaking her leg when we were 14. We hid behind that building over there when we wanted to get away from 6'th graders. And that's.....that's the drug store where I bought condoms for that one last special night.....oh God, they're still in my coat pocket! I can't carry these around, I gotta throw them away and get out of here!
Now I have no idea where I'm running towards now, I'm just running because I don't know what else to do. Maybe if I run fast enough I'll get distracted by some kind of flashing light and find something else to think about. I'll just keep running and.....no, actually I'm running out of breath. I'll just slow down a bit to get my strength to run away back. All right, now where am I?
Oh shit.
I just had to run and stop right near where the accident was. They're fixing the mailbox right now, some people are actually taking some last pictures before the site gets fixed up. And about 5 houses down is Butters house. Butters. I wonder why I'm starting to get mad the more I think about that name? I know I should just turn away now, but this anger feels so justified that I'm not gonna. I'm gonna go right up to his house, as a matter of fact.
Okay, I'm in front of the house now. I can't see him through any of the windows, and that's probably a good thing for him. I always knew letting a lame, goody two shoes Melvin hang out with us was a bad idea, but how could I know it'd be this bad? And who was he to talk about how much Wendy helped him at the eulogy? As if she did more for him than she did for me. Well, guess what pal? I'm the one she fell in love with no matter what stupid shit I did! I'm the one she stayed with even with all the shit she went through cause of me! I'm the one who she made love to the night before she went to your house and then got taken away from me!! Your house, buddy, not mine! You took her away when she should have been at home getting ready for our big date!!
Oh, having someone to feel angry at about this whole thing is working better than I thought! It's even better to think about what I should do to that guy. I should hit him or something to make him see what taking her away from me led me to do. I should punch him a few times at that. I should bash his head in with a lamp or something. I should break his balls like he made her break someone else's balls! I should crush something against his chest and make him lose too much blood to live, then maybe he'll see what a mistake he made!! Then his parents will have to live through the type of hell Ann Testaburger is going through right now, then maybe there'll be a balance in the world again! I should do all that right now if I was more certain that I'd get a free pass by everyone for it!
Well, what do we have here? There he is looking at me through his bedroom window. He looks scared since I probably look real angry, the scared little bitch. Just because he's too much of a fag to be a man, he had to make her fight those dumbass people for him when she should have been with me! That fucking pussy faggot gets to live out his pussy life and she doesn't?!! I swear to God I'm gonna fix that right now!
"WENDY!!!!"
Huh. I was gonna go kill him, but I actually yelled out her name instead. But somehow it looks like it made the guy cry anyway. Look at him through that window, he's crying because I said her name and reminded him that she's dead!
It's almost like.....almost like the way I cried when it got through to me that she died.
I cried like that because I was so unhappy and so sad that I was gonna miss her this much the rest of my life, just like it looks like he does. I mean, the guy's so sensitive that he probably knows this is mostly his fault. It would be just like him to beat himself up and feel horrible about her death because he missed her. Not the way I miss her, but he misses her all the same. Or else why would he have stepped in and given that eulogy to begin with?
So now I want to kill someone who may have had an indirect role in her death at best, and therefore kill someone who's going through the tinest bit of pain that I'll have to live with every single day? Kill someone who misses her and knows first hand why she should be missed? But, but then what am I supposed to do to respond to this? Who can I pass blame to? How can I rationalize this if I can't say it was the fault of one stupid guy? What the fuck am I supposed to feel about anything?!
I gotta get out of here, man, cause I'm not gonna find anything close to an answer here, just more questions I can barely go on to live with.
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Now as I walk through the valley of snow, I have to remember one other thing I said long ago. When I saved Kyle from dying by getting him Cartman's kidney, I told him that I didn't want him to die until I did. If she had survived, I probably would have said to her "I don't want you to die until I do" too. And I didn't. If I had the chance, could I have given my life for hers if she could live? It would mean I still wouldn't be able to spend my life with her, but would it be a better alternative than having her die and being unable to do all the great, meaningful things as an adult that she always wanted? The more I think of it, the more I think I would have let her have that, even if I had to go to Heaven in her place.
I know that if God exists, a Heaven probably exists, so at least I know she's somewhere. I wonder if she's watching me up there. I wonder if she's ranting and raving at God for doing this to her like I'm doing. I wonder if she knows how cruel it is that all I can do is wonder. And I'll never be able to break out of it until I die along with her. That will be in about 50 years or so with my luck.
God, why did this happen? I know I should be trying to move on. I know I could be labeled as pathetic and a stupid wuss for missing her that much, like I was in that tabloid story. I know she would want me to make the best of my life. A part of me probably does want to move on. But I spent the last 8 years of my life with her. That's enough time to make plans for the rest of my life that all involve....Wendy. Jesus Christ, even after I yelled her name to Butters I can't even think about her name without going crazy! Wendy.....Wendy....how can I live the rest of my life knowing that if Wendy was still with me, I would be so much more happier than I was at that moment? Knowing that every moment of my life from now on would have been better and more forfilling with her around sucks!! And there's absolutly nothing I can do to stop it! Fuck it all to-
Oh shit! If I had gone a few more steps, I would have fallen off this cliff. Jesus, I must have walked really far to get to the
ocal cliff with that frozen river about 500 feet below. I could have been killed and sent right to Heaven with Wendy, that would have finally shut me up and solved all my problems.
Solved all my problems? Boy, I just thought that suicide would solve my problems, I must be nuts. Even though dying would make sure I wouldn't have to think this shit every day, and since I know there's a Heaven I'd be right with Wendy again, then wait about 40 or 50 years for the others to join us so we'd all be together again. If I didn't bring myself to my senses to realize how dumb that is, it would actually sound like a great idea. But in all fairness, I can't really remember it sounding that stupid.
I can't see Wendy again until I die, and since there must be an afterlife I know I'm gonna see her. I'm a good guy and I got screwed over, so God would have to put me in Heaven with her! And all my good friends are good people, so when they die, they'll go to Heaven and we can see them again! Sure, they would be pissed off if I killed myself, but by the time they died and came to Heaven, I'd have all of eternity to get them to forgive me and hang out with me again! Until then I would have Wendy by my side again and I would get to be with her and meet the coolest dead people that ever lived! There's no way I could ever get that pleasure by staying alive! There's nothing left for me here that'll make up for the hell I have to go through now! It would be all gone if I went to Heaven right now!
Wait, I'd better think of the downside to this before I do something dumb. If me and Ann could feel like this because Wendy died, and if I could think it would be better to kill myself because of it....what makes me think that someone wouldn't do this for me? How do I know that my Mom or Dad or Kyle or someone else I know wouldn't be miserable forever if I died? Is that really worth satisfying my own desire to see Wendy in death? I don't want to be remembered as a selfish son of a bitch. But like I said, once they die, I can always make it up to them when they get to Heaven.
I still feel like I have to think about other people's feelings first....but what did caring about other people get me? I want to kill myself because I care so much about another person that this is how I wanna see her again! And now when I have an idea to get us back together, I have to abandon it because I have to care about other people's feelings?! What about my feelings?! God didn't care about any of my feelings when He had Wendy killed, if it's okay for Him not to care about me, why should it be so evil for me not to care about them and let that stop me from seeing Wendy?! Yeah, I'll miss Kyle and Kenny and my parents and Ms Testaburger and a few others, but it's not like I'm really never gonna see them again! Why can't I have something that I deserve until then, like reuniting with the girl I'm in love with and who I lost my virginity to?! I deserve that, not this fucking sham of real life! If I can get it back this way, why shouldn't I take it?!
There is no real reason why I shouldn't take it, that's what!
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Well, this is it. I went back to town and got a piece of paper and a pencil, wrote my suicide note telling them exactly why I'm doing this and that I'll see them again, now I just need to place the note under a rock on the ground so people will see it. There we go. Now here I am, on the edge of the cliff with my suicide note under a nearby rock, and my chance to see my girlfriend again is just a jump away from happening.
So here I am, about to kill myself. I'm about to leave tons of people and lots of friends behind just to see one girl again. But in return, I get that and an eternity in Heaven because aside from a few small times when I was a jackass to a few people, that's where I'm gonna go. I should take more time to see the downside in that, but the upside looks more and more tempting, so I can't risk chickening out at the last minute! Not when I'm so close.
Therefore, until a few decades from now I have to say goodbye. Goodbye Ann. Goodbye Kenny. Goodbye Butters. Goodbye Bebe. Goodbye Cartman. Goodbye other people in my class. Goodbye Dad. Goodbye Mom.....and goodbye Kyle. I hope they remember how much I cared about all of them and valued their friendship and love as well. True, it wasn't enough love and friendship to stop me from doing this, but I hope they feel some consulation eventually. Oh geez, now I really have to go before I think about what they might do after this again. I really gotta go and.....there I go.
Oh God, this fall is really fast. But Wendy, I'm coming for you now. I'm going to Heaven where good people go, and it doesn't allow any bad people there or people that kill themselves. Hey, wait a minute. I remember Father Maxi saying one day that Widmark wasn't going to Heaven or Hell because he killed himself, he was going to.....wait, wait a minute!! Wait, this isn't fa-
Thud.