At 6 AM in Heaven, the sun was rising, injuries were healing, and a few early birds were getting up to start the day. But at 6 AM in Purgatory, it was still dark with barely any light, and the poor souls there- including Stan- really didn't want to get up....or be there in the first place, or be alive to possibly get buried in lava, etc. But Saddam Hussain was already up in his mountain palace, and he was already dialing the phone in his lavish bedroom, because he needed God to wake up to forfill his end of his latest deal. "Hello? Hello?! Ey God, pick up, you rat son of a-"
"Oh geez Saddam, did you need to call me this early?"
Saddam had succeeded in getting God on the line thanks to the special phone he got God to give him. God's booming voice could be heard clearly- which made him sound more intimidating than he actually looked, Saddam remembered with a hearty laugh to himself. But he shook it off since this wasn't the time to be funny, he had forced God to do a serious thing for him today. "God, I need those Purgatory spells now. I wanna get to work decoding them and using them to bring any soul I want from Heaven to work for me, so I don't wanna waste the whole day. Hand it over!"
"Saddam, I really think that's going too far. I mean, we have rules here and the rules state that if a soul is meant to go to Heaven, he or she shouldn't have to live in Purgatory or Hell or another place in the afterlife. Besides, I've spent 4 months telling a young girl that she can't go to Purgatory to see her late boyfriend, so I think I'd be a little hypocritical if I let you take people there instead." Saddam really wasn't listening since he had better things to do, and he still had his little threats to make if God didn't cooperate. Hopefully God would shut up soon so he could make them. "Do you understand a little of that, Saddam?"
"Yes. Yes I do, God. Now let me tell you how things work in the real world. You can send me that book of spells to bring people from Heaven here, or I can come back to Heaven and refuse to leave you alone for the rest of time. Then I'll go back to Hell and bug Satan to death until he begs you to death to do something. That's not how you wanna spend eternity, is it God? Well, if you don't want me to be around you forever and ever and ever with all my gayness and weapons building and America bashing, send me the fucking book, fuckhead!!" Since that last yell was even more proof that God didn't even want Saddam to have a reason to come back to Heaven and annoy him again, God gave in very quickly.
"All right, all right, you win again!" Saddam chuckled since this was how he always got God to do whatever he wanted and that's how it would always be. "Okay Saddam, I told the head of the soul takers club to put the book in a special safe. Once I cast a spell over that safe, it should put the book right in your lap." A satisfied Saddam sat back and waited for the Purgatory spells to appear right in front of him. But when God finished chanting his little chants, the book wasn't there. God sounded confused as to why that was, then he cast his chant again- but again, the book didn't appear in Saddam's bed. "Uh, hello God? Where's my book and my reason not to attack you?"
"I don't get it, Marsh said he'd put the book in that special safe, but I'm sensing that the book isn't there at all! If it was then you would have got it by now, I swear to me!" This hardly made Saddam any calmer since, after all, incompetance in the God regime had just made sure his book wouldn't get here that quick. "So if it's not in that safe, where the hell is it, smartass?!"
"I don't know, okay?! I just need time to ask someone who might!"
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With no time wasted at all, God used His power to appear inside the soul takers building. He appeared in His usual....weird physical form that resembled some kind of platapus or some other strange animal no one could fathom. He hardly had time to worry about his appearance as He neeed to get that book to appease Saddam. He knew Grandpa Marsh was somewhere in the building, and it didn't take long for Him to prove it as God found the old man sleeping in the lobby, since he hadn't moved that much after his fight with Butters and Wendy. God wasted no time in shaking Mr Marsh until he woke up, and although he was a bit hungover, he wasn't wasted enough not to recognize the Creator.
"Hey God, what's the deal? How'd the book transfer go?" God resisted the urge to get more upset than He was and simply answered, "I wouldn't know. I told you to put the book in the safe and when I used my powers to transfer it to the dictator, a funny thing happened. The book wasn't there for me to transfer!" God quickly got Grandpa Marsh up on his feet. "Go up there and find that book for yourself, or get one of your men to carry you up there or something!"
After that died down, Grandpa Marsh went to the spells room and found out that, indeed, the Purgatory spells book was not in the special safe. God ordered him to order his employees that were still in the building to conduct an all out search for the book. But after turning the building upside down for an hour, no one found it, of course.
"I knew removing security cameras in all these rooms would be a bad idea, Goddammit!", yelled Grandpa Marsh. Luckly God was too busy worrying to notice how He'd been cursed out, since now He had to tell Saddam his book was gone, and that he had a reason to be pissed off enough to come back here and give Him Hell. With a huge sigh, He transported His special phone to the building and called Saddam up again to tell him the book was not there.
"What kind of rejects do you have following your orders, God? You should be happy I wanted to take them away to be my slaves, but that isn't happening right now, is it?!" God tried to think of how He could calm Saddam down and reassure him they would find the book and appease him- but He heard the worst possible news from Saddam before He could say anything. "I'm coming over there myself since you can't do your job. Transport me to your house in Heaven so we can solve this case together, k?"
"Are you insane, we can handle this ourselves without your special kind of help!" God cursed Himself Himself this time since He already knew Saddam was insane and he wouldn't take no for an answer. A fact he proved with his answer. "Look God, I still remember the spell I need to get to Hell from here. I can go visit Satan again and bug and rape the shit out of him, and then Satan will call you and beg you to let me into Heaven so I'll leave him alone. I can get into Heaven by you letting me in, or I can bug Satan so much that he'll declare war on you and do anything I tell him to do against you just to shut me up! Either way, buddy, I'm coming over!!"
With that quick convincing, God cast his spell over the phone to transport Saddam from his Purgatory mountain home to God's palace in Heaven. Then most sadly, God transported himself to His home to greet Saddam and to let him work with Him to find where the book had gone to.
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Back in the quiet part of town, people were just getting up and they didn't hear about the rampage going on in the club. However, among the people that were up, Wendy and Butters were not two of them. In fact they were still sleeping in Wendy's house, even though it was now 8 AM in the morning and the search for the stolen book was well under way.
For Butters, although he wasn't up he was still able to toss and turn like a normal person, because his leg had indeed healed by itself. Now he was having some pretty peaceful dreams of Earth and of going back home to his family after completing his mission successfully. Then his dream went to a scene in Purgatory where things had settled down and Stan and Wendy were back together again. And after Wendy was done hugging Stan to a second death, she turned to Butters and thanked him so much for all his help. She hugged him to further show her thanks and he hugged her back. He didn't mind so much since the hug was actually quite a bit comfortable and even fun. He heard her sweet melody of a voice say softly in his ear, "Butters....Butters.....Butters!"
With that the fantasy ended as Butters woke up to see the real Wendy after she had just almost yelled in his ear.
"Wake up, Butters, we overslept! It's already 8 in the morning!" Butters shook off his sleepyness and his strange dream as he sat up. "Is that bad?"
"More than a little since I want to get out of here as quick as possible, and it's still gonna take a while to find the spell to do it!" Wendy was more than a little upset since she had too much of a peaceful sleep and had just woken up a minute ago to see how late it was- late for her, at least. "Come on, get yourself cleaned up and then I'll try to teach some of the decoding techniques to you! Maybe this'll get done faster with two people doing the work!" Wendy headed right back up the steps to get the book and resume the work, while Butters just got up slowly, saw his leg was better, and slowly headed up the stairs himself to get ready for this big day.
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God's palace was not only bathed in complete light, it was located at the center of the largest town in Heaven. This was where the prototypical angels with halos and wings live, where the rich dead people hang out at, and where Jesus and the other big wigs of the place meet once in a while. This time, only God and Saddam were meeting inside to figure out how the Purgatory spells book could have disappeared from the special safe. Well, actually by now the search wasn't going so well since it was already 9 AM, so Saddam resorted to his usual tactic of placing blame.
"This is all your fault, God! This whole search is theater, the real criminal is you! Why the fuck weren't you at this ceremony at the soul takers club to make sure there weren't any thieves?! Some God you are!", yelled Saddam, which gave God one more reminder as to why He wanted to keep Saddam in Purgatory.
"Saddam, I had things to do and honestly, how was I supposed to know someone was gonna get the idea to steal that book?! I only know everything about what living people are gonna do, I can't forsee what the dead are up to! Besides, the guest of honor was someone I was tired of seeing anyway, I didn't want to go there and have Wendy Testaburger yell at me again!"
Saddam was about ready to rip God another new one- about his 32'nd new one so far this year- but he suddenly stopped a bit when he heard God mention Wendy's name. It somehow rang a bell to Saddam as if he'd heard it before, so he turned the conversation to that topic. "Wendy Testaburger? What kind of name for a soul taker is that?" God responsed with some relief, "Well the important thing was that she actually took a job other than yelling at me! She's only been here for 4 months and she spent the last 3 of them trying to talk to me and plead for me to send her boyfriend to Heaven even though he killed himself. I think his name was Stan Marsh or something, you might know that better than me." And indeed, Saddam did.
"I know about Stan, he's had a time bugging me about missing a girl named Wendy himself." God snapped His fingers after piecing that puzzle together. "Yep, that must be the guy. He wasn't supposed to wind up with you, all he had to do was wait 5 years to come here and see the girl again. But he didn't wait and somehow I'm to blame for it according to Wendy! It's hard not to be a little annoyed, even though she is just desperate to see Stan again by, in her own words, any way nessecary." And with that, Saddam was starting to put his own little puzzle together- the puzzle of what really happened last night.
"So let's review. The new member of the soul takers club was Wendy Testaburger, who was all pissed off that she was stuck here while her beefcake boy toy was stuck with me. And on the night of a party in her honor, the book that contained the only spells that could transport a person from Heaven into Purgatory was stolen. And you knew this girl was desperate to see Stanley in Purgatory at that, eh?" Saddam walked up to God slowly with a blank look on his face, and then just slapped Him on His big forehead. "What the hell was that for?!"
"For being dumb enough to not go to that party, for not telling me this before we wasted three hours looking for the book, for not figuring out the bitch did the crime earlier, take your pick!" God tried to wrap His head around that puzzle of an insult before it started to become clear to Him. He knew personally how determined Wendy was to get Stan back, and since He created her, He knew how nothing stopped her from getting what she wanted period, not even the laws of God. By the time He figured it out, Saddam was already making plans for a counterattack.
"God, where does the bitch live, anyway?!"
"She lives outside of the part of Heaven where the soul takers club is, in fact I heard she was letting the guy she killed stay there for a while. Butters was his name, I think." Saddam remembered who Butters was too after hearing Stan's constant stories about Wendy's death and Butters role in that night. "Oh yeah, the pussy boy! Then the attack should be a whole lot easier!"
"What attack?"
"God, send your best law enforcement men to Wendy Testaburger's house for a full on raid, or else I'll have my army sent there to totally trash the whole neighborhood." Since God really didn't want to have Saddam do that, He was gonna get to work sending some people to Wendy's house right away, though Saddam felt like he had to remind Him to get off His ass quicker.
"Don't waste time, honey buns, get to sending the troops! I want my book back, and the health of that bitch thief and her pussy pal is a distant ninth concern to me."
Act III, Scenes 2-5 coming July 24'th.
"Oh geez Saddam, did you need to call me this early?"
Saddam had succeeded in getting God on the line thanks to the special phone he got God to give him. God's booming voice could be heard clearly- which made him sound more intimidating than he actually looked, Saddam remembered with a hearty laugh to himself. But he shook it off since this wasn't the time to be funny, he had forced God to do a serious thing for him today. "God, I need those Purgatory spells now. I wanna get to work decoding them and using them to bring any soul I want from Heaven to work for me, so I don't wanna waste the whole day. Hand it over!"
"Saddam, I really think that's going too far. I mean, we have rules here and the rules state that if a soul is meant to go to Heaven, he or she shouldn't have to live in Purgatory or Hell or another place in the afterlife. Besides, I've spent 4 months telling a young girl that she can't go to Purgatory to see her late boyfriend, so I think I'd be a little hypocritical if I let you take people there instead." Saddam really wasn't listening since he had better things to do, and he still had his little threats to make if God didn't cooperate. Hopefully God would shut up soon so he could make them. "Do you understand a little of that, Saddam?"
"Yes. Yes I do, God. Now let me tell you how things work in the real world. You can send me that book of spells to bring people from Heaven here, or I can come back to Heaven and refuse to leave you alone for the rest of time. Then I'll go back to Hell and bug Satan to death until he begs you to death to do something. That's not how you wanna spend eternity, is it God? Well, if you don't want me to be around you forever and ever and ever with all my gayness and weapons building and America bashing, send me the fucking book, fuckhead!!" Since that last yell was even more proof that God didn't even want Saddam to have a reason to come back to Heaven and annoy him again, God gave in very quickly.
"All right, all right, you win again!" Saddam chuckled since this was how he always got God to do whatever he wanted and that's how it would always be. "Okay Saddam, I told the head of the soul takers club to put the book in a special safe. Once I cast a spell over that safe, it should put the book right in your lap." A satisfied Saddam sat back and waited for the Purgatory spells to appear right in front of him. But when God finished chanting his little chants, the book wasn't there. God sounded confused as to why that was, then he cast his chant again- but again, the book didn't appear in Saddam's bed. "Uh, hello God? Where's my book and my reason not to attack you?"
"I don't get it, Marsh said he'd put the book in that special safe, but I'm sensing that the book isn't there at all! If it was then you would have got it by now, I swear to me!" This hardly made Saddam any calmer since, after all, incompetance in the God regime had just made sure his book wouldn't get here that quick. "So if it's not in that safe, where the hell is it, smartass?!"
"I don't know, okay?! I just need time to ask someone who might!"
======================================================
With no time wasted at all, God used His power to appear inside the soul takers building. He appeared in His usual....weird physical form that resembled some kind of platapus or some other strange animal no one could fathom. He hardly had time to worry about his appearance as He neeed to get that book to appease Saddam. He knew Grandpa Marsh was somewhere in the building, and it didn't take long for Him to prove it as God found the old man sleeping in the lobby, since he hadn't moved that much after his fight with Butters and Wendy. God wasted no time in shaking Mr Marsh until he woke up, and although he was a bit hungover, he wasn't wasted enough not to recognize the Creator.
"Hey God, what's the deal? How'd the book transfer go?" God resisted the urge to get more upset than He was and simply answered, "I wouldn't know. I told you to put the book in the safe and when I used my powers to transfer it to the dictator, a funny thing happened. The book wasn't there for me to transfer!" God quickly got Grandpa Marsh up on his feet. "Go up there and find that book for yourself, or get one of your men to carry you up there or something!"
After that died down, Grandpa Marsh went to the spells room and found out that, indeed, the Purgatory spells book was not in the special safe. God ordered him to order his employees that were still in the building to conduct an all out search for the book. But after turning the building upside down for an hour, no one found it, of course.
"I knew removing security cameras in all these rooms would be a bad idea, Goddammit!", yelled Grandpa Marsh. Luckly God was too busy worrying to notice how He'd been cursed out, since now He had to tell Saddam his book was gone, and that he had a reason to be pissed off enough to come back here and give Him Hell. With a huge sigh, He transported His special phone to the building and called Saddam up again to tell him the book was not there.
"What kind of rejects do you have following your orders, God? You should be happy I wanted to take them away to be my slaves, but that isn't happening right now, is it?!" God tried to think of how He could calm Saddam down and reassure him they would find the book and appease him- but He heard the worst possible news from Saddam before He could say anything. "I'm coming over there myself since you can't do your job. Transport me to your house in Heaven so we can solve this case together, k?"
"Are you insane, we can handle this ourselves without your special kind of help!" God cursed Himself Himself this time since He already knew Saddam was insane and he wouldn't take no for an answer. A fact he proved with his answer. "Look God, I still remember the spell I need to get to Hell from here. I can go visit Satan again and bug and rape the shit out of him, and then Satan will call you and beg you to let me into Heaven so I'll leave him alone. I can get into Heaven by you letting me in, or I can bug Satan so much that he'll declare war on you and do anything I tell him to do against you just to shut me up! Either way, buddy, I'm coming over!!"
With that quick convincing, God cast his spell over the phone to transport Saddam from his Purgatory mountain home to God's palace in Heaven. Then most sadly, God transported himself to His home to greet Saddam and to let him work with Him to find where the book had gone to.
======================================================
Back in the quiet part of town, people were just getting up and they didn't hear about the rampage going on in the club. However, among the people that were up, Wendy and Butters were not two of them. In fact they were still sleeping in Wendy's house, even though it was now 8 AM in the morning and the search for the stolen book was well under way.
For Butters, although he wasn't up he was still able to toss and turn like a normal person, because his leg had indeed healed by itself. Now he was having some pretty peaceful dreams of Earth and of going back home to his family after completing his mission successfully. Then his dream went to a scene in Purgatory where things had settled down and Stan and Wendy were back together again. And after Wendy was done hugging Stan to a second death, she turned to Butters and thanked him so much for all his help. She hugged him to further show her thanks and he hugged her back. He didn't mind so much since the hug was actually quite a bit comfortable and even fun. He heard her sweet melody of a voice say softly in his ear, "Butters....Butters.....Butters!"
With that the fantasy ended as Butters woke up to see the real Wendy after she had just almost yelled in his ear.
"Wake up, Butters, we overslept! It's already 8 in the morning!" Butters shook off his sleepyness and his strange dream as he sat up. "Is that bad?"
"More than a little since I want to get out of here as quick as possible, and it's still gonna take a while to find the spell to do it!" Wendy was more than a little upset since she had too much of a peaceful sleep and had just woken up a minute ago to see how late it was- late for her, at least. "Come on, get yourself cleaned up and then I'll try to teach some of the decoding techniques to you! Maybe this'll get done faster with two people doing the work!" Wendy headed right back up the steps to get the book and resume the work, while Butters just got up slowly, saw his leg was better, and slowly headed up the stairs himself to get ready for this big day.
======================================================
God's palace was not only bathed in complete light, it was located at the center of the largest town in Heaven. This was where the prototypical angels with halos and wings live, where the rich dead people hang out at, and where Jesus and the other big wigs of the place meet once in a while. This time, only God and Saddam were meeting inside to figure out how the Purgatory spells book could have disappeared from the special safe. Well, actually by now the search wasn't going so well since it was already 9 AM, so Saddam resorted to his usual tactic of placing blame.
"This is all your fault, God! This whole search is theater, the real criminal is you! Why the fuck weren't you at this ceremony at the soul takers club to make sure there weren't any thieves?! Some God you are!", yelled Saddam, which gave God one more reminder as to why He wanted to keep Saddam in Purgatory.
"Saddam, I had things to do and honestly, how was I supposed to know someone was gonna get the idea to steal that book?! I only know everything about what living people are gonna do, I can't forsee what the dead are up to! Besides, the guest of honor was someone I was tired of seeing anyway, I didn't want to go there and have Wendy Testaburger yell at me again!"
Saddam was about ready to rip God another new one- about his 32'nd new one so far this year- but he suddenly stopped a bit when he heard God mention Wendy's name. It somehow rang a bell to Saddam as if he'd heard it before, so he turned the conversation to that topic. "Wendy Testaburger? What kind of name for a soul taker is that?" God responsed with some relief, "Well the important thing was that she actually took a job other than yelling at me! She's only been here for 4 months and she spent the last 3 of them trying to talk to me and plead for me to send her boyfriend to Heaven even though he killed himself. I think his name was Stan Marsh or something, you might know that better than me." And indeed, Saddam did.
"I know about Stan, he's had a time bugging me about missing a girl named Wendy himself." God snapped His fingers after piecing that puzzle together. "Yep, that must be the guy. He wasn't supposed to wind up with you, all he had to do was wait 5 years to come here and see the girl again. But he didn't wait and somehow I'm to blame for it according to Wendy! It's hard not to be a little annoyed, even though she is just desperate to see Stan again by, in her own words, any way nessecary." And with that, Saddam was starting to put his own little puzzle together- the puzzle of what really happened last night.
"So let's review. The new member of the soul takers club was Wendy Testaburger, who was all pissed off that she was stuck here while her beefcake boy toy was stuck with me. And on the night of a party in her honor, the book that contained the only spells that could transport a person from Heaven into Purgatory was stolen. And you knew this girl was desperate to see Stanley in Purgatory at that, eh?" Saddam walked up to God slowly with a blank look on his face, and then just slapped Him on His big forehead. "What the hell was that for?!"
"For being dumb enough to not go to that party, for not telling me this before we wasted three hours looking for the book, for not figuring out the bitch did the crime earlier, take your pick!" God tried to wrap His head around that puzzle of an insult before it started to become clear to Him. He knew personally how determined Wendy was to get Stan back, and since He created her, He knew how nothing stopped her from getting what she wanted period, not even the laws of God. By the time He figured it out, Saddam was already making plans for a counterattack.
"God, where does the bitch live, anyway?!"
"She lives outside of the part of Heaven where the soul takers club is, in fact I heard she was letting the guy she killed stay there for a while. Butters was his name, I think." Saddam remembered who Butters was too after hearing Stan's constant stories about Wendy's death and Butters role in that night. "Oh yeah, the pussy boy! Then the attack should be a whole lot easier!"
"What attack?"
"God, send your best law enforcement men to Wendy Testaburger's house for a full on raid, or else I'll have my army sent there to totally trash the whole neighborhood." Since God really didn't want to have Saddam do that, He was gonna get to work sending some people to Wendy's house right away, though Saddam felt like he had to remind Him to get off His ass quicker.
"Don't waste time, honey buns, get to sending the troops! I want my book back, and the health of that bitch thief and her pussy pal is a distant ninth concern to me."
Act III, Scenes 2-5 coming July 24'th.