By Heart
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Gater101
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"General! You have to let me do this!" I yelled at General Hammond as
he sat on the safe side of his desk.
"I'm sorry Major, you are personally involved in this mission I can't let
you go," he replied through clenched teeth.
"And what? Colonel O'Neill isn't? He treats my father like his own! I
don't think it's very fair you're letting him go and not me! He is my father
after all!" I pound the table to emphasise my point.
"And that's part of the problem," he replies calmly.
I can't believe he isn't letting me go on this mission to save my father. I
thought he at least would have understood how much this means to me. He let me
go to Netou and find him why not this time?
"Why did you let me go to Sokar's planet and rescue him and not on this
one?" I ask pulling my final straw. I look through the glass star chart
that separates this office and the briefing room and see Jack looking out over
the Stargate. I bet he had something to do with this.
Tufts of grey stand protruding out in every direction and it is made worse when
he runs his long fingers through it. His back is turned but I can see the frown
of concentration on his forehead, see the cogs of his brain turning.
"Going to Sokar's planet was different, Major and you know it."
Hammond scolds and I wince at his tone.
"Actually, sir, it wasn't. My father may or may not have been dead on that
mission and it's exactly the same this time and don't try to tell me
otherwise." I didn't like arguing with Hammond at all because he was like
a father to me. But my own father was out there somewhere and he wasn't letting
me go, so what do you expect?
"It depends on what Colonel O'Neill has to say." At the mention of
his name I turn to the man in question. I notice for the first time that he is
still in his wedding suit and I wince. It is my fault that he is here after
all.
"Fine okay. Ask him," I slump down into the nearest chair and barely
register Hammond walking to the door and telling Jack to enter.
I glance at him as he sits down in the seat beside me but he avoids my gaze and
I already know that he is not letting me go on this mission.
"Sir, please." I whisper.
"I'm sorry Carter I can't let on this mission." Can't let me or won't
let me? I ask internally.
I watch as he alternates his gaze from behind me to the General's desk. Never
once looking at me.
"Then the decision is final. Major you are to stay here for this
mission." Hammond says as he shuffles papers on his desk.
I sink back down into the hard plastic chair that creaks under the slightest
weight and sigh, my anger long since dissipated like a fire being hosed upon.
My defences were down and my mind was wandering to the possibility of my team
going on a mission without me.
I notice Jack looking at me from above as he towers over me in a
non-threatening kind of way.
"Carter? You coming?"
I glance at him and nod pushing myself from the chair with an energy that I did
not feel. A shiver runs down my spine as his hand touches my chiffon clad back.
Still wearing your dress Sam.
I walk slowly down the corridor passed officers who smile sympathetically at me
and my anger suddenly seems to rise.
"Leave me alone," I mutter to Jack and yank my body away from him.
"Sam?" He says softly as he turns me around.
"No, Colonel, leave me alone."
I begin to walk hastily down the corridor towards my quarters leaving a trail
of confused and startled SF's in my wake.
The walk and elevator ride seems longer than normal as I try to get away from
Jack.
Finally the elevator pings on my floor and I exit into the much cooler air of
the quarters floor. Breathing a sigh of relief I walk down the corridor at a
snail's pace and breathing deeply trying to calm my breathing.
"Sam, wait!" I tumble into Jack as he turns around the corridor
heading away from my quarters. Suddenly I realize that he knows me too well,
better than anyone has ever known me.
"I'm going to lie down, sir, shouldn't you be getting ready for your
mission?" I said coldly and pushed past him my left arm brushing his chest
as he turned his side on me.
"Sam, don't."
Not answering I swing into the corridor and stop at the door to my quarters. I
feel his presence behind me and have to fight against the urge to bang my head
on the door.
I yank the door open and pull him by the scruff of the neck inside the tiny
cramped room. Without thinking I let him go and fling myself onto my still
crumpled bed.
For some strange reason I smell Jack's cologne on my covers but resign myself
to the fact that he wasn't here when I needed him the most. The cinnamon smell
fills my nose as I try to hide from it, taunting me of what I've lost.
"...What's wrong?" I finally register that the man from my thoughts is standing in my bedroom on the day of his wedding asking me what is wrong.
"Nothing," I say as I roll over to face him. I'm astonished to feel tears roll down my cheek in a big salty drip. I turn my head away from him to hide my face. Quickly scrubbing my face I barely register the slight dip of the bed as extra weight is added.
I feel his hand on my lower back where it was when we were dancing.
"Sam what's wrong?" He asks as he pulls my body around on the bed.
Shaking my head furiously I try to pull away from him but he refuses to have any of it and pulls me closer.
"Sam I know you. You never cry unless something is desperately wrong. You didn't even get like this last time Dad was missing." His eyes burn into me with an intensity that is both frightening and comforting.
"At least then I was allowed to go after him." I mutter quietly but he hears.
"I'm sorry Sam but you are emotionally involved. If you know me then you know I will get Dad back here one way or another." He tucks a stray hair behind my ear and I shiver against his gentle touch.
"I do Jack. I know you will but I'd rather be there with you when you get him." I close my eyes against his and the burning sensation of fresh tears. "And you better stop calling him that." I say as he pulls my body against his chest.
"Calling him what?" He says confused as he strokes my hair gently rubbing his hands through the short strands.
"Dad," I whisper sleep pulling me into its dark mirages.
"Why? Does it bother you?"
I shake my head. "Not me."
He is silent for a long time then I feel him nod as he understands my reasoning.
"It doesn't mean I can't call him Dad."
I nod against his chest and mutter into his now damp shirt.
"I know you...by heart." Before sleep pulls me that last nanometre into darkness.
Hold me close
Baby please
Tell me anything but that your gonna leave
As I kiss these fallen tears
I promise you I will be here
Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find a reason why
And darling as the years go by
Until there's no tears left to cry
Until the angels close my eyes
And even if we're worlds apart
I'll find my way back to you
By heart
When you go
I'll stop the clock
I won't ever let this moment stop
Time is stealing you from me
But it can never take this memory
"Sam!" A familiar voice followed by a loud thump-thump on my door rouses me from my slumber.
Turning over to get out the bed I freeze as I come face-to-face with one asleep Jack O'Neill. I glance at my waist and notice his arms wrapped tightly around me, a contented smile on his face.
"Sam! Are you in there!?" Jonas calls louder this time no doubt receiving strange glances from members of the SGC.
"Yes, I'm here!" I say as loudly as quietly possible.
I wince as Jack stirs and looks down at me a smile forming on his face his eyes still glazed from sleep. His hair is sticking up in all different directions and I reach up to touch it, to flatten it down but he puts a hand on my arm effectively stopping me and I get lost in his eyes that hold so much.
"Sam, have you seen Colonel O'Neill?" Jonas sounds slightly agitated probably because he's talking to me through a door.
"I'm here Jonas. What do you want?" Jack says after several moments of silence.
"Oh...oh." There was a slight hesitation in his voice and I smile. "Um, we're getting ready to… for the mission...so um maybe you'd like to get ready with us?"
Jack groans as he throws a leg of my bed and it lands with a thump as his boot bangs off the floor. He turns to me and smiles.
"If I go out there and he's smiling...so help me God..."
He moves over to the door and pulls it open with force and it bangs back against his side.
"Ouch...what did you want Jonas?"
"Are you coming to get ready for the mission? We leave in thirty."
"I'm coming, I'm coming."
He turns to me, pauses, and then turns back to Jonas.
"Give me a minute. I'll get you down at the locker room."
Jonas knowing better than to complain nodded and smiled then turned and left. Jack closed the door and came and sat on the bed beside me.
"Anything in particular you want me to say to Dad when we find him?"
I smile at his optimistic point of view. We both know there is a huge chance that Dad is dead but he refuses to believe it, much like always.
"Just...tell him I love him for me."
"Will do." He stands up and walks to the door and I sigh as I roll back over. "Well...have fun."
I turn back around and look him straight in the eye as he leans against the doorjamb.
"You too."
I'm not sure whether he caught my double meaning but the smile I received makes me think he did.
He opens the door still holding my gaze, still smiling slightly. Finally he breaks eye contact and closes the door quietly.
I just slept with Jack. Maybe not slept as in slept with, but fell asleep in his arms. I can't remember when we have ever been as comfortable with each other enough to fall asleep in each other's arms. Sighing deeply I smell his cologne again only stronger this time. It's wrapped around me like a glass in bubble wrap. Licking my lips I taste his body and almost picture him sleeping beside me snoring slightly, his breath whisping my hair. I rub my hand over where his arms were wrapped around me and realise that they still burn. I still feel the weight of it across my hips.
A heat rises from the pit of my stomach as I imagine his hands on other places of my body, caressing, kissing, and loving me. I slide further into the world that no one knows about and moan against the feeling of pleasure in my groin.
Biting down on the covers I moan deeply as I rub a hand over the piece of anatomy in question. I recognise this feeling, really recognise it as the many times he has been laying close to me offworld. Close enough to reach out and touch his handsome features.
I close my eyes for a few minutes dreaming about him and the ext thing I hear is the loud rumble of the 'Gate activating.
"Has it been half an hour already?"
I fling the covers off my body and run a hand through my hair while rushing past everyone on my way to the Gateroom.
I arrive just as the seventh chevron locks and as Jack turns to the control room where I am forced to watch from.
"Bring him home men." Hammond says over the intercom.
SG units 1,3,4 and 5 turn and salute Hammond and myself and begin filing up the ramp.
"God speed, son." Hammond says to the only remaining member of the rescue team in the Gateroom: Jack.
He stares at me a serious look in his eyes before nodding and jogging up the ramp.
I watch as he disappears through the glistening event horizon and I sigh loudly catching Hammond's attention.
"They'll find him Sam." He assures.
"I know, sir. By heart." I mumble and walk out of the control room towards the quarters I had just vacated.
I can't believe that they've gone without me.
I open the door to my quarters and lock it from the inside. I look to my laptop computer sitting on the edge of my desk inviting me to use it.
Ignoring it I lie back on the bed and fall into a much-needed sleep.