Disclaimer: Although I wish I owned these characters, I don't nor do I own Mr. Leslie Moonves. This was written for simply fun not to make money. So don't sue me! Besides I have none.
A/N: Hello everyone!waves This is my very first parody and fanfic for that matter. I know that the C/G shippers might get a tad offended, but don't please! Because I only was exaggerating! As it is a parody! Well I hope you like it! Oh and thank you, Kate for spell checking my work. Oh and Ti for telling me it was Alexx not Alex (stupid me!).
THE GUY MUST DIE
------------------
Professor Leslie Moonves sat stiffly at his desk, looking rather serious, for he was the headmaster of Hogwarts and being serious was part of the job description. Professor Moonves smiled quite smugly to himself thinking of the job application, he just knew he had got it over the others because he had something they didn't; and that was the award for the 'Biggest Tight Arse', which he won when he was 10! The entrants had to show how big of a tight arse they were, he refused his mother of his one hundred dollars he had been given by his uncle when he was one! So she wasn't able to get surgery for Leslie's younger brother who had an life threatening disease. And that's how he won the award. This memory gave him a shiver of pride, he once was very poor but now he was rich! He hadn't really liked his brother anyway, Leslie had always been the jealous type.
Most of Professor Moonves job was made up by; sitting at his desk looking serious, charging down the corridors looking serious and watching his all time favorite show, 'The Apprentice'
Meanwhile in the library Sara Sidle a student of Hogwarts sat engrossed in her study of 'Magical Bugs' homework, she loved that lesson. After four hours of successive studying, she flipped open her magazine, and found where she left off "How to make moves on your superior". One was involving non existent chalk and the other why you should always have tape handy. "Hmm, that sounds good." She thought to herself as she pictured her 'Magical Bugs' professor sitting suggestively on an aero plane bathroom counter.
Just as Sara was about to open her diary, a huge thump of R&B music banged through the doors; it was Catherine the ex pole-dancer, slash wannabe rapper, slash mother.
"Yo, yo bling, bling Sara what's going down!?" Catherine in a short mini yelled. Catherine loved attention in fact it had been a whole hour since there had been any mention of her ex-pole-dancing career and her daughter.
Someone randomly yelled from the other side of the room, "Daughter, pole!"
Catherine burst into a fit of erratic sobs, the door flew open once again.
"What the hell is it now?" Sara rolled her eyes.
"Never fear! I'm here, Captain Sunnies!" The schools psycho, slash know it all, slash king of lame one liners (well that was still to be battled out between him and Professor Grissom, the Magical bugs Professor) Horatio entered, dramatically taking off his sunnies that he won at a Matrix' convention. He then he moved hands to his hips sweeping his jacket back.
"Shutupyummmmm" A guy said as he stuffed food into his mouth.
"Martin. I was suppose to be having an love triangle with you and Jack this season but quite frankly you have got fat!" Samantha Spade looked at Martin's burst shirt.
He just shrugged and continued to stuff the oily food down his trap.
"Don't worry my precioussssss I still think you look great." A guy called Danny said inching closer to Martin and stroking his head.
Martin threw up his food all over Danny and Martin just greedily slurped up the spew and continued to eat.
A weird guy ran across the library with a glove on his head singing 'Slut Garden' by Marilyn Manson while wearing a pink tutu.
Catherine noticed the Texan, Nick he was wearing a really fugly hat thing. With a twinkle in her eye, she yelled out, "Bird! Bird! Bird!"
Nick jumped up looking around, crying. "Where? Where?" That was his greatest fear, birds. When he was six he went to a 'Sesame Street' party, Big Bird stole his hotdog.
'Bing!' The dinner bell rang from the great hall.
"Goodo!" Martin yelled as he pushed his whole fist into his mouth, sucking off the remaining crumbs. When he stood up his lard jiggled like a plate of Jell-O ( I like Jell-O) .
As the happy little vegemites (I'm an Aussie!) headed off to the great hall, trouble was brewing in Middle Earth, but unawares were two hobbits, who were frolicking happily in long grass.. Erm.. Wrong story!
As the happy little vegemites headed off to the great hall, trouble was brewing in Professor Moonves's office; he was becoming dangerously obsessed with 'The Apprentice', yelling "you're fired!" every minute. He didn't even know what day it was; thinking it was Wednesday the current day and Thursday was the day before.
Jack the 'Games Keeper' walking slightly drunk through the Great Hall singing 'You do Ron, Ron, Ron, you do Ron, Ron!"
Samantha sighed dreamily up at Jack. "That's our song." She whispered to Sara who was gazing up at the teachers table, at a certain Magical Bugs professor. However, he was too in grossed, looking at the maggots crawling around in his meal- due to Professor Moonves being such a tight arse, Hogwarts served up Bugs for dinner, Professor Grissom loved that! Lots of protein!
Calleigh rolled her eyes at her fellow colleague then went back to eating her 'Granola' bar.
Realizing she wasn't being flirty enough, she turned to the person sitting on her other side, Professor Goren.
"Well hi ya honeyyyyyyy, ya looking mighty fine!." Her voice drawled in a southern accent.
"Hello!" his hands jerked around suddenly as he spoke, causing plates of bugs to fly in every direction.
"What the hell/s wrong with you?" Calleigh said picking a bug off her L.J Hooker Tee-shirt.
"What the hell happened to your accent!?" He yelled back, as his hand waved all over the place, sending a gold painted plate right smack bam into Calleigh's head. She fell to the ground.
"Don't worry, I'll save you!" Captain Sunnies yelled, his side kick trailing behind like a zombie; 'Do nothing Yelina' was her name.
Back at the student table, Eric sat filing his nails as a group of what seemed to be admirers sat entranced. One was clearly the leader of the teenage girl gang. She was wearing a tee-shirt that read, 'Marry Me' and she was kissing his feet.( For you, Kate) Eric moved his feet quickly away.
On the other side of the room, Warrick sat down next to a very pissed off Sara. Sara frantically gathered up what looked suspiciously like wedding invitations.
"I've heard things about you!" Sara screwed her face up at him as she pulled on her fur lined jacket.
"What things?" He raised his eyebrow.
"That Catherine takes pictures of you having sex." She frowned.
"So what?"
"With a Dummy!" She said, looking green.
"Don't talk about Sally that way! She's more than plastic." He defended the dummy that was sitting next to him.
"Well that's just sick! Freaks like you shouldn't be allowed here! Hogwarts is for normal people!"
"Well. Well.....I heard about what you do!!!!" He said in his best three year old voice, which wasn't hard since that was how he always spoke.
"Oh yeah?! ..Well.. Fine what ever." She looked down at her feet.
"Um I was just thinking since this is Hogwarts school of witch craft and Wizardry, aren't we suppose to do magic?" Harry Potter, the boy that didn't die..or what ever asked.
"Shut up you fag!" Jack yelled.
"I want my Dumbledore , wheres my Dumbledore?!" He went off crying.
"Hey guys! Look out there!" Nick said pointing out the window to what looked like a battle field. There were two sides; one side had 'C/G, It will happen eventually ..it WILL! We' imprinted on their shirts and the other side supported banners with 'Geek Love' . The people with 'Geek Love' were obviously wining ( Of course) .
"Hmm wonder what they mean?" Sam asked.
"I dunno." Vivian popped her head in through the door.
"Um don't you like wear anything else?" Sam said bitchily,
nodding towards Vivian's trade mark diamond print shirt.
"They make me wear it, it makes me look slimmer." She said matter of factually.
Oh no its been another hour since Catherine was mentioned!
Jumping up on the table Catherine quickly does her dance to a imaginary pole, then bursts into tears, screaming she's not a good mother.
Thump, thump, thump.......
"What's that!?" Professor Grissom asks.
Thump, thump, thump.......
"Hello peoples look at me, I'm the center of attention! I'm a bad mother!" Catherine waves her hands.
Thump, thump, thump.......
"SHUT UP!" Sara screamed at her.
Catherine went silent .
"Oh wow you got her to be quite! I've been trying to do that for years but when ever I try to say it in other ways the C/G shippers take it as sexual tension, those C/G shippers really shit me." The Magical Bugs Professor beamed at Sara.
Thump, thump, thump.......
"what is that?" Warrick looked up to the ceiling. "Hey in the broacher they said the great hall's roof was magical! They've just stuck glow in the dark stars up there!" That fact seemed to worry him more than the thumping sound.
"This school sucks!" Sara says.
"Yeah and were not even allowed to sleep in!" Complained Nick.
Thump! Bang!
The doors flew open once again, Professor Moonves stood there looking possessed. He laughed hysterically and pointed his finger at Sara and Nick.
They look at each other.
"Your fired." He says simply.
They look at each other again.
"What the hell? You can't do that, you idiot! You can't fire people, it's a school, are you dumb?!!"a teenage girl that Nick recognized from the 'Geek Love' gang suddenly popped out of nowhere, pointing her finger at Professor Moonves.
"Well, well fine then 'Your Expelled!" He says, "But I want to say "Your fired!" He wines back.
"Well you can't, its under copy right law." Donald Trump stormed in.
"Oh gosh! I'm like your biggest fan!" Professor Moonves giggled like a school girl grabbing Trump's leg.
"Get off!" Trump grunted.
"Its ok Mr. Trump,!" The girl says as thousands of others enter, pegging letters saying, 'Bring back Sara and Nick' on the back of the envelopes at Professor Moonves.
"I just wanted to send you an email!" The teenage girl yelled throwing a computer at him.
One hour later Professor Moonves is sitting up in a ball, crying. "Stop picking on me!" he sobbed.
"Well you deserved it." Professor Goren says walking up to him, his hands jerked about as he talked. Before anyone knew what happened his hand had sent an 'Apprentice' tape that was on the table smack bam in between Professor Moonves's eyes. He keeled over.
"Ya think he's dead?" Warrick asked.
"Yay a new friend! "Alexx crawled up to him and started to pat his head.
So everything was back to being good with the world; Alexx had a new friend, The G/S shippers could now keep writing erotic fanfiction, the G/C shippers could go back to plotting horrible ways that Sara could die and continue to list the reasons why Grissom and Catherine should be together, CSI fan's friends could stop being harassed and complained to and finally one teenage fan could admit she needed help.
A/N: Hello everyone!waves This is my very first parody and fanfic for that matter. I know that the C/G shippers might get a tad offended, but don't please! Because I only was exaggerating! As it is a parody! Well I hope you like it! Oh and thank you, Kate for spell checking my work. Oh and Ti for telling me it was Alexx not Alex (stupid me!).
THE GUY MUST DIE
------------------
Professor Leslie Moonves sat stiffly at his desk, looking rather serious, for he was the headmaster of Hogwarts and being serious was part of the job description. Professor Moonves smiled quite smugly to himself thinking of the job application, he just knew he had got it over the others because he had something they didn't; and that was the award for the 'Biggest Tight Arse', which he won when he was 10! The entrants had to show how big of a tight arse they were, he refused his mother of his one hundred dollars he had been given by his uncle when he was one! So she wasn't able to get surgery for Leslie's younger brother who had an life threatening disease. And that's how he won the award. This memory gave him a shiver of pride, he once was very poor but now he was rich! He hadn't really liked his brother anyway, Leslie had always been the jealous type.
Most of Professor Moonves job was made up by; sitting at his desk looking serious, charging down the corridors looking serious and watching his all time favorite show, 'The Apprentice'
Meanwhile in the library Sara Sidle a student of Hogwarts sat engrossed in her study of 'Magical Bugs' homework, she loved that lesson. After four hours of successive studying, she flipped open her magazine, and found where she left off "How to make moves on your superior". One was involving non existent chalk and the other why you should always have tape handy. "Hmm, that sounds good." She thought to herself as she pictured her 'Magical Bugs' professor sitting suggestively on an aero plane bathroom counter.
Just as Sara was about to open her diary, a huge thump of R&B music banged through the doors; it was Catherine the ex pole-dancer, slash wannabe rapper, slash mother.
"Yo, yo bling, bling Sara what's going down!?" Catherine in a short mini yelled. Catherine loved attention in fact it had been a whole hour since there had been any mention of her ex-pole-dancing career and her daughter.
Someone randomly yelled from the other side of the room, "Daughter, pole!"
Catherine burst into a fit of erratic sobs, the door flew open once again.
"What the hell is it now?" Sara rolled her eyes.
"Never fear! I'm here, Captain Sunnies!" The schools psycho, slash know it all, slash king of lame one liners (well that was still to be battled out between him and Professor Grissom, the Magical bugs Professor) Horatio entered, dramatically taking off his sunnies that he won at a Matrix' convention. He then he moved hands to his hips sweeping his jacket back.
"Shutupyummmmm" A guy said as he stuffed food into his mouth.
"Martin. I was suppose to be having an love triangle with you and Jack this season but quite frankly you have got fat!" Samantha Spade looked at Martin's burst shirt.
He just shrugged and continued to stuff the oily food down his trap.
"Don't worry my precioussssss I still think you look great." A guy called Danny said inching closer to Martin and stroking his head.
Martin threw up his food all over Danny and Martin just greedily slurped up the spew and continued to eat.
A weird guy ran across the library with a glove on his head singing 'Slut Garden' by Marilyn Manson while wearing a pink tutu.
Catherine noticed the Texan, Nick he was wearing a really fugly hat thing. With a twinkle in her eye, she yelled out, "Bird! Bird! Bird!"
Nick jumped up looking around, crying. "Where? Where?" That was his greatest fear, birds. When he was six he went to a 'Sesame Street' party, Big Bird stole his hotdog.
'Bing!' The dinner bell rang from the great hall.
"Goodo!" Martin yelled as he pushed his whole fist into his mouth, sucking off the remaining crumbs. When he stood up his lard jiggled like a plate of Jell-O ( I like Jell-O) .
As the happy little vegemites (I'm an Aussie!) headed off to the great hall, trouble was brewing in Middle Earth, but unawares were two hobbits, who were frolicking happily in long grass.. Erm.. Wrong story!
As the happy little vegemites headed off to the great hall, trouble was brewing in Professor Moonves's office; he was becoming dangerously obsessed with 'The Apprentice', yelling "you're fired!" every minute. He didn't even know what day it was; thinking it was Wednesday the current day and Thursday was the day before.
Jack the 'Games Keeper' walking slightly drunk through the Great Hall singing 'You do Ron, Ron, Ron, you do Ron, Ron!"
Samantha sighed dreamily up at Jack. "That's our song." She whispered to Sara who was gazing up at the teachers table, at a certain Magical Bugs professor. However, he was too in grossed, looking at the maggots crawling around in his meal- due to Professor Moonves being such a tight arse, Hogwarts served up Bugs for dinner, Professor Grissom loved that! Lots of protein!
Calleigh rolled her eyes at her fellow colleague then went back to eating her 'Granola' bar.
Realizing she wasn't being flirty enough, she turned to the person sitting on her other side, Professor Goren.
"Well hi ya honeyyyyyyy, ya looking mighty fine!." Her voice drawled in a southern accent.
"Hello!" his hands jerked around suddenly as he spoke, causing plates of bugs to fly in every direction.
"What the hell/s wrong with you?" Calleigh said picking a bug off her L.J Hooker Tee-shirt.
"What the hell happened to your accent!?" He yelled back, as his hand waved all over the place, sending a gold painted plate right smack bam into Calleigh's head. She fell to the ground.
"Don't worry, I'll save you!" Captain Sunnies yelled, his side kick trailing behind like a zombie; 'Do nothing Yelina' was her name.
Back at the student table, Eric sat filing his nails as a group of what seemed to be admirers sat entranced. One was clearly the leader of the teenage girl gang. She was wearing a tee-shirt that read, 'Marry Me' and she was kissing his feet.( For you, Kate) Eric moved his feet quickly away.
On the other side of the room, Warrick sat down next to a very pissed off Sara. Sara frantically gathered up what looked suspiciously like wedding invitations.
"I've heard things about you!" Sara screwed her face up at him as she pulled on her fur lined jacket.
"What things?" He raised his eyebrow.
"That Catherine takes pictures of you having sex." She frowned.
"So what?"
"With a Dummy!" She said, looking green.
"Don't talk about Sally that way! She's more than plastic." He defended the dummy that was sitting next to him.
"Well that's just sick! Freaks like you shouldn't be allowed here! Hogwarts is for normal people!"
"Well. Well.....I heard about what you do!!!!" He said in his best three year old voice, which wasn't hard since that was how he always spoke.
"Oh yeah?! ..Well.. Fine what ever." She looked down at her feet.
"Um I was just thinking since this is Hogwarts school of witch craft and Wizardry, aren't we suppose to do magic?" Harry Potter, the boy that didn't die..or what ever asked.
"Shut up you fag!" Jack yelled.
"I want my Dumbledore , wheres my Dumbledore?!" He went off crying.
"Hey guys! Look out there!" Nick said pointing out the window to what looked like a battle field. There were two sides; one side had 'C/G, It will happen eventually ..it WILL! We' imprinted on their shirts and the other side supported banners with 'Geek Love' . The people with 'Geek Love' were obviously wining ( Of course) .
"Hmm wonder what they mean?" Sam asked.
"I dunno." Vivian popped her head in through the door.
"Um don't you like wear anything else?" Sam said bitchily,
nodding towards Vivian's trade mark diamond print shirt.
"They make me wear it, it makes me look slimmer." She said matter of factually.
Oh no its been another hour since Catherine was mentioned!
Jumping up on the table Catherine quickly does her dance to a imaginary pole, then bursts into tears, screaming she's not a good mother.
Thump, thump, thump.......
"What's that!?" Professor Grissom asks.
Thump, thump, thump.......
"Hello peoples look at me, I'm the center of attention! I'm a bad mother!" Catherine waves her hands.
Thump, thump, thump.......
"SHUT UP!" Sara screamed at her.
Catherine went silent .
"Oh wow you got her to be quite! I've been trying to do that for years but when ever I try to say it in other ways the C/G shippers take it as sexual tension, those C/G shippers really shit me." The Magical Bugs Professor beamed at Sara.
Thump, thump, thump.......
"what is that?" Warrick looked up to the ceiling. "Hey in the broacher they said the great hall's roof was magical! They've just stuck glow in the dark stars up there!" That fact seemed to worry him more than the thumping sound.
"This school sucks!" Sara says.
"Yeah and were not even allowed to sleep in!" Complained Nick.
Thump! Bang!
The doors flew open once again, Professor Moonves stood there looking possessed. He laughed hysterically and pointed his finger at Sara and Nick.
They look at each other.
"Your fired." He says simply.
They look at each other again.
"What the hell? You can't do that, you idiot! You can't fire people, it's a school, are you dumb?!!"a teenage girl that Nick recognized from the 'Geek Love' gang suddenly popped out of nowhere, pointing her finger at Professor Moonves.
"Well, well fine then 'Your Expelled!" He says, "But I want to say "Your fired!" He wines back.
"Well you can't, its under copy right law." Donald Trump stormed in.
"Oh gosh! I'm like your biggest fan!" Professor Moonves giggled like a school girl grabbing Trump's leg.
"Get off!" Trump grunted.
"Its ok Mr. Trump,!" The girl says as thousands of others enter, pegging letters saying, 'Bring back Sara and Nick' on the back of the envelopes at Professor Moonves.
"I just wanted to send you an email!" The teenage girl yelled throwing a computer at him.
One hour later Professor Moonves is sitting up in a ball, crying. "Stop picking on me!" he sobbed.
"Well you deserved it." Professor Goren says walking up to him, his hands jerked about as he talked. Before anyone knew what happened his hand had sent an 'Apprentice' tape that was on the table smack bam in between Professor Moonves's eyes. He keeled over.
"Ya think he's dead?" Warrick asked.
"Yay a new friend! "Alexx crawled up to him and started to pat his head.
So everything was back to being good with the world; Alexx had a new friend, The G/S shippers could now keep writing erotic fanfiction, the G/C shippers could go back to plotting horrible ways that Sara could die and continue to list the reasons why Grissom and Catherine should be together, CSI fan's friends could stop being harassed and complained to and finally one teenage fan could admit she needed help.