Never give up on me
S+J+S+J+S+J+S+J
Gater101
S+J+S+J+S+J+S+J
"You're slowly killing yourself," Janet said to me as I sit across from her in my lab looking at a spread of results from my latest tests. "It's Edorra all over again."
I freeze in my shuffling through papers and look up at her. My tired eyes take a few seconds to focus and I shake my head causing my longer than normal hair to stir in the breeze.
"You're wrong. This is so completely different, you have no idea. I'm not bringing him back for me, I'm bringing him back for Angela." I look back down at the papers in my hand as fresh tears form in my eyes.
"For Angela… Sam, you don't have to bring him back alone. Let someone help you," Janet pleads with me.
I shake my head and press my lips together and try desperately not to sniff. I feel an arm wrap around my waist and I can only wish it were Jack's arm and not Janet's. My face becomes wet meaning the tears I had been trying to stop from falling were actually falling despite my attempts.
"I promised…I promised him I would never give…never give up on him again… after Edorra, he made me promise…and then Angela…" I stop speaking and allow the tears to fall and allowing Janet to comfort me.
Never give up on me
I will never give up on you
You're everything I need
Oh just look at what we've been through
So far so good
Letting myself be comforted was probably the wisest decision I had made since I started out on my pledge to bring Jack back. Hard sobs shook my body violently, making my shoulders rise and fall with every breath. Janet's comforting words were barely registering in my mind but I knew that they were there; they always were when something like this happened to one of the team – especially Jack.
For some reason it wasn't enough, it wasn't enough for me to be able to go back to work and be the fighter that everyone wanted me to be. All I wanted to do – still – was cry and crawl under my bed covers and forget that I have responsibilities, forget I'm supposed to be doing all I can to bring him back… But I don't.
I pull back from Janet and wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.
"I think I should get back to what I was doing," I tell Janet and pick up random objects from the desktop but a firm grip on my wrist stops me.
"No Sam, not today, just wait until tomorrow," Janet pleads with me and I nod, surprising Janet but not myself.
I need this, I need this time off but I wouldn't have taken it had Janet not been here to tell me otherwise. I would have continued finding nothing and I would have continued hating myself for it, continued to belittle myself for being so useless.
"You need rest Sam, take a week-" Janet begins but my sharp pointed look stops her. "Ok, three days off, and then come back and see what you make of what you have here," Janet sweeps an arm around the room indicating the work I had been doing over the past week.
"Ok."
I walk out of the small room leaving Janet to switch off all the machines – hopefully correctly – and lock up. It takes several minutes for the elevator car to arrive but when it does it is empty and I am thankful. I don't want anyone to see me like this; I don't want anyone to think that I have given up when I so totally have not.
Never give up on me
I will never give up on you
You're everything I need
Oh just look at what we've been through
I love you
The chill night air bites at my bare arms and face and causes me to shiver slightly. I wander over to my car which Teal'c had been nice enough to bring to the base for me after I had realised I had no way to get home after Jack had brought me here after the wedding.
Jack. The wedding. Angela.
I had promised her I would keep her updated about any progress I had made… but I hadn't made any so there was nothing to tell. Thinking about Angela brought goose bumps out on my skin. I was not afraid of *her*, I was afraid of the way she could make me feel about myself.
Climbing into my silver Volvo I start the engine and flick the air-conditioning to hot and drive out of the base giving no hesitation.
= = = =
As I draw closer and closer to my home the small fine hairs on the back of my neck begin to rise causing me some degree of discomfort but mostly they make me more alert. Pulling into my dark, wet drive – the rain had started just I pulled out of the base – I notice how the windows of my house seem darker than normal as if they were blacked out to… black out the Sun during the day – even though it was night now.
I sit silently in my car for a few moments then slowly open the door. I am met by the strong scent of charred wood – the Morgan's must have had a barbecue earlier in the evening. I move slowly to the front door whilst fishing the keys from my trouser pocket wishing that I had brought some sort of weapon with me. The hairs on my neck were sending rapid messages to my brain to make me turn back and climb into my car and drive off.
But for some reason I keep going – it *is* my house after all – and navigate my way through debris that seems to have gathered in my front garden. Everything was layered in a thin layer of dust…how can a garden be covered in dust?
I hesitate before reaching out and grasping onto the brass doorknob, which chills my hand even more. I slip my key into the lock and turn it only to find that the door is already open…surely I wouldn't have left the door open.
I slowly turn the knob and the door creaks open much like something from a horror movie. I push against the door when it jambs and I take a step into the hallway and freeze at the site before me.
The walls are covered in back soot, there is no ceiling just big gaping holes with insulating hanging from the floorboards which are visible. Everywhere I look there is some sort of destruction.
Fire. My house was on fire.
I force my feet to move and walk slowly towards what was once my living room. After my first step I stop again and take a deep breath preparing myself before-
"What are you doing here?"
I'm not alone.