Gater101
"We have to talk."
Sam was walking down the corridor with her head bent as she read the mission brief when she felt a hand clamp around her upper arm and felt herself being propelled backwards. She was sure the look on her face would have set a few people into hysterics if there had been any in the dim corridor of the SGC's sublevel 20. Her eyes crinkled around the edges and her mouth was pursed in an "O" but no words came out. Her feet were moving rapidly backwards and she almost lost her balance quite a few times.
Finally she heard a door open and felt herself being gently pushed inside then heard it click closed again. The room was dark and smelled like the nauseating smell of a dentist surgery. She fumbled about the wall to her left trying to locate the light switch and when her hand brushed human flesh she drew her hand back. She stood stock still for a few long seconds before light poured over her head and over the head of her captor.
"Colonel… this isn't the best time, I was just on my way to Hammond's office to-"
"I know where you were going, Carter, I was headed that way myself."
Sam knew it would not be in her best interest to inform him that he had been walking in the wrong direction to be going to Hammond's office, so kept her mouth firmly closed. She knew that this conversation was coming. She had been trying to avoid being alone with the Colonel for three days after the little dinner party that they had had and was managing successfully… until that very second.
Her heart was hammering in her chest faster than she had ever thought possible. Her hands had begun to sweat the instant she felt his hand on her arm and her legs were beginning to shake. Her eyes were locked on the door behind him so she had no idea that he was harbouring a look of utter desolation.
"Look at me," he quietly pleaded and she turned her eyes to him slowly and attempted to control her breathing. "This isn't working."
Sam frowned and looked away again to prevent him from seeing the anger rising in her eyes. She didn't understand why she was angry, she had told him that he couldn't have both of them… but she still wanted him. She was mostly angry with herself for allowing Angela to bully her; and that is exactly what she had been doing. Bullying her into leaving Jack alone. And it was completely understandable, Sam was pretty sure she would have done the same thing… maybe not so forcefully but she would have told… herself to stay away from Jack if she was in Angela's shoes. She wasn't though and that was what angered her. She couldn't have Jack. She had waited for so long to have him and now she knew that she could not, even if he retired because he was married and his wife was a… jealous monster for lack of a better word.
"What isn't working?" Sam asked coolly, still avoiding eye contact with him.
"This thing with you and me. And Angela I guess. I know what she did at O'Malley's the other night. I couldn't have stopped her if I had known, I didn't even see her leave the table or I would tried to stop her. I'm sorry about that." He looked at her with eyes so deep that Sam felt as though she could drown in them (oh, how clichéd!!!). "But… it's a lot more difficult than I thought it was going to be. I can't work side by side with you virtually every day, knowing what it feels like to have you, to hold you in my arms," he whispered the last few words and then closed his eyes as though he was trying to keep back tears.
Ever since he had been rescued, Sam realised that Jack O'Neill was changing. He was no longer the detached, emotionless Colonel that they were all familiar with. The change had its upsides… ad also its downsides. He was more willing to announce his feelings to people but that wasn't always the best thing. Like now. Sam had no idea what to say to him, even though she had known exactly beforehand what she had wanted to say. She was too used to trying to draw information from him, so to have it thrown at her caught her off guard. She thought she was used to the change, but obviously not.
She was so deep in her thoughts about the changes of the Colonel that she hadn't realised he had placed a hand on her face and was rubbing her cheek free of tears that she hadn't realised had fallen. That was happening a lot lately; tears falling without her consent or knowledge. She found herself in the infirmary after a mission with tears running down her cheeks as she waited for Janet to run over the results of her tests.
She pulled away from his touch and coiled up into the corner of the small storage cupboard that she noticed held very few supplies. Had he had this kidnapping planned?
"I can't talk about this now," Sam said forcefully and tried to push past him and back into the corridor.
He stepped in front of her and created a blockade in front of her.
"And when do you think you'll be able to talk about it? Because from what I can tell, you've been trying your damnedest to avoid me! I can't keep pretending that everything is hunky-dory when it most definitely isn't! You think this is easy for me? I'm a part of this too; I have to go home to a woman who I don't love when I would rather stay on base with you, even if it is just to work. I have to lie to General Hammond whenever he asks me if I have something on my mind because I can't exactly tell him that I'm thinking about how much I want to take you to my cabin in Minnesota and leave everything behind, can I? So if you truly think that you are the only one affected by this, then let me take this opportunity to tell you that you're not."
Sam was taken aback by his sudden outburst and she tell from looking at him that he regretted his words as soon as they had escaped his mouth.
A silence descended in the cupboard and Sam felt the familiar sting of tears in her eyes.
"I'm not going to be the other woman… but I can't see any other way around this…" She looked at him and saw him press his lips together after her almost silent words. He was fighting back the same tears that she herself was.
He looked at her with a deep sense of longing and then he smiled.
"What are you smiling at?" She asked incredulously finding nothing for him to be smiling at.
He simply shook his head and continued to look at her.
"There's something I gotta do. It may take a while though so… until then, we just gotta act as though nothing has changed." He said cryptically then left the cupboard and walked in the direction of the elevator.
Sam stayed rooted to the spot not knowing what to do.
"But everything has changed," she muttered before turning the light off and leaving the cupboard.
She looked up and down the corridor but it was still deserted. She wondered suddenly if anyone had walked past and heard their conversation. That would be all she needed. She looked down at the file that she still held in her hand. It was curled into a tube and had a damp patch on it from where her damp hands were gripped around it.
Her anger had subsided but was replaced with a sudden confusion at Jack's words and actions. What was he planning on doing? She realised that she was drawing no answers while standing still and decided to take Jack's advice and continue like she had been for the past few weeks.
She made her way to General Hammond's office and knocked on the door.
"Enter," he called through the think wood. He had obviously seen her arrival through the glass star chart, because she had travelled through the briefing room and looked briefly down at the device which had brought so much into her and also taken to so much away from her.
She smiled tightly as she entered and took a seat in front of him.
"Everything all right, Major?" Hammond asked and Sam briefly thought about answering with a shake of her head.
Instead she smiled and nodded.
"Just wanted to talk to you about the next mission, Sir," she said after gulping down the small lump that was beginning to rise again I her throat.
All she could do was smile, but for now it seemed to work.
Throughout her conversation with Hammond her thoughts were constantly on Jack and where he was and what his plan was.
She waited because, for now, it was all she could do.
What ravages of
spirit
conjured this temptuous rage,
created you a monster,
broken by the rule of love?
And fate has led you through it.
You do what you have to do.
And fate has led you through it.
You do what you have to do.
And I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how to let you go.
Every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul.
I'm ever swiftly moving,
trying to escape this desire,
the yearning to be near you.
I do what I have to do.
The yearning to be near you.
I do what I have to do.
AND I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go.
A glowing ember, burning hot,
And burning slow.
Deep within, I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you.
I know I can't be with you.
I do what I have to do.
I know I can't be with you.
I do what I have to do.
And I have THE sense to recognize
But I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go.