Gater11
Sam pushed the door to her house slowly open trying to prevent it from making the creak that it always did. The house was in darkness when she had parked her Volvo into the drive behind Jack's truck and she suspected that he had fallen asleep after ringing her.
She closed the door silently and made to take off her coat when a shadow in the entrance to the lounge caught her attention. She recognised the figure: the height; the broad shoulders; the long legs; they were all Jack O'Neill. She tried to smile but when she saw his shoulders begin to shudder, she realised that she couldn't. She lay her bag down slowly on the floor and cautiously walked towards him, unsure if he wanted her to touch him or not. The closer she moved, the more violently his shoulders shook and she began to think he presence was the cause. As she reached touching distance of him, he fell into her arms, which were not ready to catch him, and the weight of him pulled her down. She slid down the wall and held his head to her chest, feeling tears of her own rose at his despair.
'What's happened to him?' She thought. 'What's happened to the strong Colonel that I know?'
However hard she tried she could not help but pity him as he lay across the floor, his whole body shuddering like a fish caught on shore. She realised then that the strong Colonel had been pushed aside and this was just Jack.
They sat like that for about twenty minutes until Jack's hands began to wander up Sam's legs and he raised his head to her neck and lay butterfly kisses there. His fingers began tugging at her coat, trying to slide it off her body.
Sam didn't respond. Instead, she placed her hands on his head and pushed him away. He looked at her with pleading eyes but Sam shook her head.
"Talk to me, Jack," she said in a low voice and reached her hand out to touch his cheek but he pulled back.
He pushed back so he was resting on his knees, stared at her for a few seconds before standing up and walking away.
Sam tried to stop the groan from escaping her lips. She could feel her anger at him building again and so did not follow him straight away. She sat in the same position for five minutes, thinking how he would be seeing himself now after breaking down in front of her: pathetic, weak, stupid. She fought again with the anger as she remembered the cold, closed off eyes he had looked at her with before walking off. She recognised that look, it meant that his emotions were closed off and she wasn't allowed inside to see them. She hates that about him: his ability to completely shut her out. She sighed and resigned herself to the knowledge that she wouldn't be able to help him any more that night.
She sighed again and pushed herself up from her seated position, took her coat off and hung it on the hook on the cupboard and picked her bag up off the floor. She moved into the kitchen with soft footsteps and lay her bag on the dining table, taking her phone and keys from it before turning and walking back into the hall with it and hanging it on another hook in the cupboard. She walked into the living room and saw Jack perched on the edge of the large canvas sofa, his back ram rod straight, his eyes staring straight ahead, his face half in shadow half lit in a soft yellow glow from the lamp he had turned on. She sighed and walked past him towards the stair.
"He killed me," Jack said quietly, and when Sam turned to look at him, she saw that his head had fallen and was resting on his chest between his shoulders. "Quite a few times actually. Anubis realised that Ba'al would trade for me. So he did. Anubis didn't need me, he has Thor's brain stored on some removable hard-drive somewhere." He stopped talking and looked at her over the back of the sofa.
She was standing at the foot of the staircase, listening to his words, not breathing. Now, she took a step towards him and looked into his face to see if her actions were okay. He nodded almost imperceptibly and Sam felt relief wash over her. She knew that he'd needed to talk but wouldn't allow himself to. She sat on the sofa next to him but didn't touch him, afraid that he would draw within himself again – she'd seen him do it more than once.
"Ba'al… he tried to beat the information out of me to begin with. But when he realised that wouldn't work, he started torturing me with acid and other… concoctions… and he would use mental torture. He used to recall thing…" he motioned to his temple but didn't stop talking. "He found out about Charlie, Kawalski, Daniel, Angela… you. He tried them all… he kept using you – or illusions of you. They killed you, tortured you… I had to watch them rape you," his words began to choke in his throat and Sam watched as he batted the tears away from his eyes.
She could feel her own tears welling up, both of despair for the man sitting with her and of sympathy. She couldn't imagine going through what he had and coming out as strong as he was.
"But I knew it wasn't real," he continued after clearing his throat, "because when I closed my eyes I could still see it happening. Didn't stop it from hurting and I almost gave up." He searched her eyes for something and, seemingly finding it, he continued. "But I didn't. I don't know how long… but I kept telling myself that you were coming and that you would save me."
He stopped talking and Sam stared at him. If she had gotten to him sooner, if she had found him and not those damn Tok'ra, then he wouldn't be like this, he wouldn't have had to live through that. She felt a deep weight settle in her chest, almost smothering her and her throat involuntarily closed up and tears filled her eyes. She looked away from his eyes at the coffee table that was scattered with various magazines. She felt his hand on her cheek but she wouldn't look at him, couldn't look at him.
"Dammit, Sam! The last thing I need is you to feel sorry for yourself!" He almost shouted and Sam's head whipped around as though someone had punched her on the jaw.
She didn't know what to say. Sorry for herself? No, she wasn't pitying herself, she was feeling sorry for him. Her anger, which had so recently subsided, wormed its way back to the surface and she felt her cheeks flare.
"Oh no, I'm not allowed to have any feelings now? I'm not you, Jack, I have emotions, I have a heart!" She stood up from the couch and stared down at him, not caring that he had just spilled his heart to her.
He pushed himself of the sofa to stand in front of her and Sam saw the cold anger burning from his eyes down to her.
"What the hell are you talking about?" He shouted.
"What am I talking about? You know how guilty I felt about our relationship, how I refused to be the other woman-"
"You were doing a pretty good job of not caring last night!"
She slapped him. Hard.
"You self centred son of a bitch!" She moved away from him and stood behind the adjacent sofa so her back was turned to him. She would not let him see her like this. Her cheeks burned and she breathed heavily. Her heart hammered in her chest and she breathed deeply to calm herself. This was the first time she's ever argued to heatedly with Jack. Had she just him? Oh God, she'd just hit her commanding officer. No, she reasoned, she'd just hit Jack. There was a difference?
When she believed she'd calmed down enough, she turned and looked at him. He was standing in the same place but his back was turned to her and his hands were on his hips in a pose that showed he was trying to calm himself.
"You know how guilty I felt and you didn't tell me that your marriage to Angela had been annulled," she said quietly but firmly after she managed to find her voice again.
He turned quickly and she saw that any calm that had come over him was gone. She straightened her back and waited for his words.
"Who told you about that?" His words and voice were calmer than she had expected but the angry tone was still present.
She narrowed her eyes at him.
"It doesn't matter, the fact is you didn't," her voice held its firmness but her hands were beginning to shake. She held onto the back of the sofa so he wouldn't notice.
He could have her court marshalled, she realised as she saw the red hand print she had left on his face. But she doubted he would even report her, even in his angry state he must realise how difficult it would be to explain how she'd come to slap him.
"No, the fact is, it's none of your business!" His voice had risen a few decibels and Sam's jaw muscled slackened and her face became expressionless. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Jack moved towards her. "Sam, I'm sorry-"
"Get out," she said quietly and watched as he stopped walking.
He reached a hand out, palm up, to show that he was ready to make peace.
"Sam, you don't mean that," he stated simply and smiled.
"I said get out," she said louder and stormed pushed past him towards the front door and flung it open. It ricocheted and banged her elbow but she ignored the dull pain.
Jack grabbed his jacket angrily and stormed past her. He stopped on the path that leads to the driveway. He turned to her with an amused half smile playing on his lips and Sam was about to repeat her earlier phrase when he raised his hand towards the drive and spoke:
"You're gonna have to move your car," he said lightly, but cautiously.
It took a moment for his words to register but when they did Sam closed her in defeat and tried not to laugh. She stepped back into the hallway and motioned for him to come back in. As he stepped past her, Sam could smell her orange zest soap from him and she smiled to herself. She followed him back into the lounge and sat on the armchair in the corner, showing that he was not forgiven. They sat in a slightly hostile silence for a few minutes where Sam tried to find something to say/
"I'm sorry." Jack's voice broke the silence and Sam was silently relieved. "I should've told you about… Angela-"
"Oh yeah," Sam interrupted hotly.
He frowned at her slightly but didn't reply to her attempts to draw him into another argument.
"I just…didn't know what to say. 'Oh hey Sam, how are you? Oh me? I'm not married anymore,'" he said sarcastically and shook his head.
"Would've been nice," she replied, again, hotly and looked away from him as her anger built up once more.
"Sam, stop it. This is becoming unbearable!" He told her loudly.
She was going to reply with "Now you know how we feel" but decided against provoking him into another shouting match.
"I've said I'm sorry and there's not much more I can say. It doesn't matter now anyway, I would be free from marriage bonds now." He added the last words quietly.
Sa, looked at him confused for a few seconds until she remembered her conversation with General Hammond that morning. Guilt welled up in her again and she leapt from her chair to the sofa and sank down next to him.
"So it was Angela then?" She asked quietly.
He nodded but didn't speak.
"I'm sorry," she said quieter still.
"They're still going to do an autopsy, you know to make sure it was accidental. The police and fire department are still doing searches and gathering evidence or something."
She reached out and took his hand in hers and laced their fingers together to show him that all was forgiven, simply because she felt guilty about forgetting where he had been that day. They sat like that for a while until Jack pulled her into a hug and pressed his lips to her neck. He then pulled back and stood up, announcing that he was going to get ready for bed. She smiled up at him and lay her head back on the sofa, closed her eyes and listened to him leave the room.
"Sam?" She heard his voice behind her and heard his footsteps moving around to the front of her.
"Yeah?" She asked not opening her eyes.
"How's the elbow?"
She opened her eyes and looked down at her elbow and saw a bruise forming. She moved her eyes to him and saw him in his boxer shorts, his hair standing on end and some toothpaste in the corner of his mouth. She must have fallen asleep.
"Fine," she answered and closed her eyes again.
"Sam?" She opened them again.
"Yeah?"
"Come to bed."
"Yeah," she agreed as she felt his hand on her leg. "Yeah."
I'm not an angelI'm just someone who has strayed form heaven's gate
I'm not an angel baby
I'm just another lost child trying to find my way
You're love has set me flying
With the wings I've never had
If you can see the good in me
Then I guess I'm not all bad
But I'm no angel
I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel
But I'll hold your hand
Across this bridge of life
Back to the Promised Land
And I promise that I'll keep this love alive
I can change my name
I can change my ways
But I can't change my past
And I can't change the fact
That I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel
I'm just someone who has strayed from heaven's gate
I'm not an angel baby
I'm just another lost child trying to find my way
You're love has set me flying
With the wings I've never had
If you can see the good in me
Then I guess I'm not all bad
I'm no angel
I'm not an angel