ALL OF ME....
Sorry this took so long ....finals are a bitch...
Spike always loved bars. Even when they were for the poor and disgusting scum of the earth. He loved the grime that years had worn into the face of everyone there, loved the smells that had embedded themselves into the walls. He loved standing in the corner, watching through the haze of smoke that followed him everywhere. He said it would make him feel alive, watching all those people. They had something to live for, something real. They had tomorrow.
For a vampire, there is no tomorrow. Tomorrow and yesterday blend into one big time of being. There isn't a rhyme of reason to it, never was. But he got up every day and went about his business. It was one of the things I never managed to beat out of him. My boy always had hope, always...
He's sitting at the bar, absolutely motionless. He has to have been here for hours, probably before the sun came up. He was a bottle of whiskey and a glass in front of him, both look full. "How many has he had?" I ask Lorne on the way in.
"None, he just ordered the bottle."
I wouldn't have been scared if he had drunk a few bottles. But he hasn't touched a drop and that's just not William. He had the zest for life that was enthralling. His goal in life was to experience as much as he could, as fast a he could. He never say back and sipped reflectively. William was like an autumn squirrel. Get as much as you could before someone took it away from you. Guess that was my fault. I kept taking the only thing that he wanted...love.
"Hello," I eased myself onto the stool next to him.
He appeared to be studying the finer points of the glass, admiring its character. He hasn't moved or spoken since I sat down. I hate this. I hate this silence. I just want him to laugh again, like he used to...like we...
"I hear you did in Penn." He let in hang in the air. He wasn't accusing me of anything, just simply stating a fact. I would've thought he cared, that I dusted one of my Own. "You here...you gonna dust me too?" he asked softly.
I'm so tired of being here.
Suppressed by all my childhood fears.
And if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave.
Cause your presence still lingers here,
and it won't leave me alone.
I didn't miss that tremor in his voice, it was so close to excitement. He wasn't there, cont yet. There was still hope in this boy...this child. He had hope, even if it was twisted and warped. His whole body was waiting for an answer, "Do you want me to?"
His body seemed to fold upon itself, losing all strength in his limbs. It was easier to break that spirit now, I've only done it once before. I never even got to see how he reacted. I just...left. "I don't know anymore," he fixed me with a bloodshot gaze. "I don't know. Maybe. Would you? If I asked?"
"No." That one deafening word, I think I may have broken him. I think I just broke William.
"Then go back to your humans," his eyes drop back to his full glass. "I can take care of everything myself."
"You always could."
That's a lie and we both know it. Will could never stand being alone. God knows that why he loved Dru so much, why she was his fucking princess. She needed him, had to be with him all the time. He adored her for it. He always needed to touch something, someone. Beyond all that, be needed to be touched. That's why he needed me. Beyond all else, he knew I would beat seven different kinds of shit out of him if I wanted to. It didn't matter if it was pleasure or pain. He wanted anything that you would give him.
I don't really understand his fascination with being touched. It was really the closest you could get to him without being inside. He never stopped letting things in. We ripped him apart. Shredded William into tiny pieces. He just put himself back together and asked for more. Regular fucking Oliver Twist he is. Put him in the worst of situations and he'll ask for more. I carved my name into his rib once. Sliced him open and put my emblem right there. He smiled the whole goddamn time.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand through all of these years.
But you still have...
All of me.
"Bollocks." He challenges me to come back to the present. His eyes are wide and not quite sane. "You're full of shit. You made me like this and I can't be alone."
"Yeah," I agree softly. "I know. You coming home?"
He starts laughing, "Home? I don't have a bloody home. I don't have anywhere to go where they would take me. No matter what. No matter what I do, they would take me in. Not even you would do that."
He's wrong, but I don't need to tell him that. He doesn't want to hear it and I don't feel like arguing with him. "I'm not going home without you."
"No."
He wants me to fight with him. At least that would be normal. He could deal with that. He could deal with being thrown around and broken. I could, probably should, just to make it easier on him. But if he won't be my fucking redemption, I won't be his either. So screw it.
"I'm not going to fight with you Will," my voice is soft.
"Don't call me that. That's not who I am anymore," his gaze snapped up.
"You never were anyone else."
"How would you know? You weren't there anyways." "Did you have to throw that at me?"
"Do you think I care?"
"Yes." A word. A challenge. The truth.
These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase.
"Damn right I do!" he explodes. "You just...left. I had no one. You left me alone with them. I didn't know what to do...with out..."
You used to captivate me by your resonating mind,
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me.
He doesn't have to finish, there's no need. I know what he's going to say. "I didn't think...that it was for the best."
"Do you think I cared? I wanted what was in your head. Not what was in your body. Soul or not you are still my Sire. And I fucking needed you! And you weren't there."
People are starting to stare. His voice has hit that almost hysterical pitch. The one right before he either punches me, or leaves. I need to distract him. "Spike what happened?"
"You don't want to know."
"Please?"
He fingers the rim of his glass, trying to decide if I deserve an answer. "D'you remember that boy Buffy was dating? The army one? They do...things to demons. Change them. They caught me...they did things. I don't understand all of it, I can only remember bits and pieces."
I squeeze my eyes shut, imaging his skin. He has perfect skin. Pale and smooth. It cuts so pretty, bleeds so well. They wouldn't do that to him...not my boy. Not William. They just can't. I need him whole. I need him pure. I just need him back...back to Will.
"I don't remember the actual," he grits his teeth, "Experiments. I just know about what they did. I can't hurt anything...not anything alive. I can't feed."
These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase
There is anger there. Disappointment. Shame. The Big Bad has been defanged. It's like pulling the wings off a butterfly and laughing as it writhes on the ground. An uncontrollable rage fills me. I want to kill every last one of them. My veins are screaming to be filled with their blood. I want to feel their pain in my bones, let them flow over my hands. My how it all makes sense now. The perfect fucking clarity of knowledge. It explains so much...tells so little.
"Why did you come to me?" It comes out just a little bit accusing, a little confused.
"I thought you would be there. I was wrong."
I failed him. I have failed him twice. Twice burned and I'm on strike three. Wonder if he'll take me back.
"I'm here now."
He looks at me in surprise, "Are you really? You're here...but you're not...here. You are always there, talking to me. In my head...but you never... You never came back. I kept trying to forget..." he trails off quietly.
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.
But though you're still with me,
I've been alone all along.
"I know," it comes out hoarse. "I tried too."
"I wish that I could be there, back then. Feel what I did then."
"Come home with me."
He quirks an eyebrow and opens his mouth. No doubt to let out some sarcastic retort.
"I mean it Will. Come home with me...."
But you still have...
All of me.
(A/N: Reviews are always welcome. They're like my coffee."
Sorry this took so long ....finals are a bitch...
Spike always loved bars. Even when they were for the poor and disgusting scum of the earth. He loved the grime that years had worn into the face of everyone there, loved the smells that had embedded themselves into the walls. He loved standing in the corner, watching through the haze of smoke that followed him everywhere. He said it would make him feel alive, watching all those people. They had something to live for, something real. They had tomorrow.
For a vampire, there is no tomorrow. Tomorrow and yesterday blend into one big time of being. There isn't a rhyme of reason to it, never was. But he got up every day and went about his business. It was one of the things I never managed to beat out of him. My boy always had hope, always...
He's sitting at the bar, absolutely motionless. He has to have been here for hours, probably before the sun came up. He was a bottle of whiskey and a glass in front of him, both look full. "How many has he had?" I ask Lorne on the way in.
"None, he just ordered the bottle."
I wouldn't have been scared if he had drunk a few bottles. But he hasn't touched a drop and that's just not William. He had the zest for life that was enthralling. His goal in life was to experience as much as he could, as fast a he could. He never say back and sipped reflectively. William was like an autumn squirrel. Get as much as you could before someone took it away from you. Guess that was my fault. I kept taking the only thing that he wanted...love.
"Hello," I eased myself onto the stool next to him.
He appeared to be studying the finer points of the glass, admiring its character. He hasn't moved or spoken since I sat down. I hate this. I hate this silence. I just want him to laugh again, like he used to...like we...
"I hear you did in Penn." He let in hang in the air. He wasn't accusing me of anything, just simply stating a fact. I would've thought he cared, that I dusted one of my Own. "You here...you gonna dust me too?" he asked softly.
I'm so tired of being here.
Suppressed by all my childhood fears.
And if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave.
Cause your presence still lingers here,
and it won't leave me alone.
I didn't miss that tremor in his voice, it was so close to excitement. He wasn't there, cont yet. There was still hope in this boy...this child. He had hope, even if it was twisted and warped. His whole body was waiting for an answer, "Do you want me to?"
His body seemed to fold upon itself, losing all strength in his limbs. It was easier to break that spirit now, I've only done it once before. I never even got to see how he reacted. I just...left. "I don't know anymore," he fixed me with a bloodshot gaze. "I don't know. Maybe. Would you? If I asked?"
"No." That one deafening word, I think I may have broken him. I think I just broke William.
"Then go back to your humans," his eyes drop back to his full glass. "I can take care of everything myself."
"You always could."
That's a lie and we both know it. Will could never stand being alone. God knows that why he loved Dru so much, why she was his fucking princess. She needed him, had to be with him all the time. He adored her for it. He always needed to touch something, someone. Beyond all that, be needed to be touched. That's why he needed me. Beyond all else, he knew I would beat seven different kinds of shit out of him if I wanted to. It didn't matter if it was pleasure or pain. He wanted anything that you would give him.
I don't really understand his fascination with being touched. It was really the closest you could get to him without being inside. He never stopped letting things in. We ripped him apart. Shredded William into tiny pieces. He just put himself back together and asked for more. Regular fucking Oliver Twist he is. Put him in the worst of situations and he'll ask for more. I carved my name into his rib once. Sliced him open and put my emblem right there. He smiled the whole goddamn time.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand through all of these years.
But you still have...
All of me.
"Bollocks." He challenges me to come back to the present. His eyes are wide and not quite sane. "You're full of shit. You made me like this and I can't be alone."
"Yeah," I agree softly. "I know. You coming home?"
He starts laughing, "Home? I don't have a bloody home. I don't have anywhere to go where they would take me. No matter what. No matter what I do, they would take me in. Not even you would do that."
He's wrong, but I don't need to tell him that. He doesn't want to hear it and I don't feel like arguing with him. "I'm not going home without you."
"No."
He wants me to fight with him. At least that would be normal. He could deal with that. He could deal with being thrown around and broken. I could, probably should, just to make it easier on him. But if he won't be my fucking redemption, I won't be his either. So screw it.
"I'm not going to fight with you Will," my voice is soft.
"Don't call me that. That's not who I am anymore," his gaze snapped up.
"You never were anyone else."
"How would you know? You weren't there anyways." "Did you have to throw that at me?"
"Do you think I care?"
"Yes." A word. A challenge. The truth.
These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase.
"Damn right I do!" he explodes. "You just...left. I had no one. You left me alone with them. I didn't know what to do...with out..."
You used to captivate me by your resonating mind,
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me.
He doesn't have to finish, there's no need. I know what he's going to say. "I didn't think...that it was for the best."
"Do you think I cared? I wanted what was in your head. Not what was in your body. Soul or not you are still my Sire. And I fucking needed you! And you weren't there."
People are starting to stare. His voice has hit that almost hysterical pitch. The one right before he either punches me, or leaves. I need to distract him. "Spike what happened?"
"You don't want to know."
"Please?"
He fingers the rim of his glass, trying to decide if I deserve an answer. "D'you remember that boy Buffy was dating? The army one? They do...things to demons. Change them. They caught me...they did things. I don't understand all of it, I can only remember bits and pieces."
I squeeze my eyes shut, imaging his skin. He has perfect skin. Pale and smooth. It cuts so pretty, bleeds so well. They wouldn't do that to him...not my boy. Not William. They just can't. I need him whole. I need him pure. I just need him back...back to Will.
"I don't remember the actual," he grits his teeth, "Experiments. I just know about what they did. I can't hurt anything...not anything alive. I can't feed."
These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase
There is anger there. Disappointment. Shame. The Big Bad has been defanged. It's like pulling the wings off a butterfly and laughing as it writhes on the ground. An uncontrollable rage fills me. I want to kill every last one of them. My veins are screaming to be filled with their blood. I want to feel their pain in my bones, let them flow over my hands. My how it all makes sense now. The perfect fucking clarity of knowledge. It explains so much...tells so little.
"Why did you come to me?" It comes out just a little bit accusing, a little confused.
"I thought you would be there. I was wrong."
I failed him. I have failed him twice. Twice burned and I'm on strike three. Wonder if he'll take me back.
"I'm here now."
He looks at me in surprise, "Are you really? You're here...but you're not...here. You are always there, talking to me. In my head...but you never... You never came back. I kept trying to forget..." he trails off quietly.
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.
But though you're still with me,
I've been alone all along.
"I know," it comes out hoarse. "I tried too."
"I wish that I could be there, back then. Feel what I did then."
"Come home with me."
He quirks an eyebrow and opens his mouth. No doubt to let out some sarcastic retort.
"I mean it Will. Come home with me...."
But you still have...
All of me.
(A/N: Reviews are always welcome. They're like my coffee."