Adventures in Pizza Delivery
by The Moose of Death
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters. This is just for kicks, y'know?
Chapter 2: Tuesday — Meat Lover's
Setting–Donnie's Pizza (We Deliver!)
Frank (the manager): Hey Joey! Get yer ass in here!
Joey: [running in] Yes, sir!
Frank: You did a fine job for your first day! Got some big tips!
Joey: Yeahgranted that I did take a guy's wallet.
Frank: What was that?
Joey: Nothing.
The phone rings and Joey answers it.
Joey: Donnie's Pizza!
Frank: say it
Joey: sigh You say it, we bake it.
Frank: Good.
Person on the phone: I need two extra-large meat lover's pizzas and FAST!
Joey: Pretty big order. That'll come to $38.98. Who and where am I delivering this to?
Person: Deliver it to the Cherry Hill Temple in care of Raye.
Joey: Thank you. I'm on my way! [hangs up the phone] To the pizza-mobile!
Frank: You mean your Pinto?
Joey: yeah [hangs head in shame]
Joey loads up the pizzas, starts up his car, and makes for the Temple.
-
Joey: [walking to the door] This is a nice place. Even though the last time I was here, I bought a charm that zapped away my energy and sent me in a bus to another dimensionand now let me never speak of that again.
Just before Joey knocks on the door, a dark haired girl in a full priestess outfit swings it wide open. She takes a look at Joey and the pizzas, and pulls him inside.
Joey: Hi, I take it that you're Raye. I've got your pizzas right here. It'll be–
Raye: Come with me to the basement. NOW!
Joey: Wait, what? Look, I just wanna deliver the pizzas and get goi–
But before Joey can finish his sentence, Raye grabs his wrist and rushes with him downstairs. When they get to the basement, Joey notices that it's a huge room and almost pitch black, except for a small bonfire in the center.
Joey: Hey! What's going on here?!
Raye: What time is it?
Joey: The what?
Raye: THE FRIGGIN TIME, MORON!
Joey: [nervously looking at his watch] I-It's 6:03.
Raye: Good. There's still time.
Joey: Time for what?
Raye: Look. I'll give you an extra $20 if you help me out a little bit right now.
Joey: Hmmmmmake it $30 and you got it!
Raye: Deal. Now, put the pizzas in front of the fire and stand behind me, waving around this branch.
Raye gives him a fairly large tangled branch with dozens of strips of paper on it. They have weird scribblings on it that he can't understand. Joey just shrugs and does what Raye said, putting the pizzas in front of the fire and waving the branch around behind her. He does this while Raye kneels, puts her hands together, and mumbles a bunch of things that Joey can barely hear. After about a minute, Raye stands up.
Raye: NowI CALL UPON YOU, DEMON!
Joey: Waitdid she say demon?
Raye: ACCEPT MY SACRIFICE! [throws the pizzas into the fire]
Joey: Hey! Those were some good pizzas!...and you haven't even paid for them yet...
Suddenly, the ground shakes and a 10-foot-tall figure wearing a black cloak rises from the flames.
Demon: I am Chronulak, devourer of souls! Who dares to disturb my thousand year slumber?!
Joey: [ 0.0; ] (thinking: I WANTED AN EXTRA 30 BUCKS FOR THIS?!)
Raye: I am Shinto Priestess Raye! I have called upon you so that we may battle!
Joey: You're gonna do WHAT?!
Raye: Don't worry. I have all the spell scrolls and charms I need to take this guy down!
Joey: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!
Raye: It's all part of my final test. Don't worry!
Chronulak: I grow weary of this! Prepare to be consumed by the everlasting flames of hell, mortals!
Raye: [throwing her scrolls] Rin, pyou, tou, sha, kai, jin, retsu, sai, zen. Akuryou taisan!!!
Chronulak stops in his tracks and looks around at himself, seeing the scrolls of paper sticking to him. He looks at Raye and Joey and then bushes them off.
Joey: Now what?
Raye: RUN!!!!!!
Raye and Joey run up the stairs while Chronulak shoots fireballs from his eyes at them. They run outside and into the temple building.
Raye: Okay. We'll be safe here. It's all sanctified and stuff.
Chronulak: [from outside] Come out puny mortals! I know you are in there!
Joey: What the hell was THAT ALL ABOUT?!
Raye: I needed to summon a demon and destroy it as part of my final test to become a head priestess.
Joey: I meanYOU SAID YOU HAD IT IN THE FRIGGIN BAG!
Raye: WellI had all equipment to take down a demon of the level I was summoning…he must be of a diffrrent, more powerful kind.
Joey: Aaaannd? Where did we SCREW UP?
Raye: Hmmmmmwhat's the day today?
Joey: Tuesday.
Raye: I mean the date! The date!
Joey: It's the seventh.
Chronulak: [from outside] Just let me devour your souls now so I can get back to my thousand year slumber.
Raye: Okaayyy. Strike one. I was supposed to summon on the sixth. But at least I got the time right: 6:06 and 6 seconds!
Joey: Actually
Raye: That's a bad actually,' isn't it?
Joey: My watch is slow by 10 minutes.
Raye: All right. Strike two. And I suppose that meaty sacrifice I gave didn't make things any better. Did it have enough beef to count as a whole cow?
Joey: OF COURSE NOT!
Raye: Well, I guess this is what I get for trying to go a little cheap. Strike three. Hmmand me forgetting a couple of lines to the prayer can't be good either. Strike four–
Joey: Strike four?! We're even screwing up the rules of baseball!
Raye: I'm glad you used we, because we're gonna have to work together on this one.
Joey: I know this won't be good
Chronulak: [from outside] Aw c'mon! I was having this great dream that I was a bunny!
Raye: Okay, you run out there in your underwear to distract Chronulak while I sneak far enough away to be out of sight and out of mind.
Joey: Wait! Hold on! Time out! – 1) How will me being in my underwear make any difference? and 2) At what point am I delivered to safety?
Chronulak: [from outside] I was so furry and soft
Raye: Well, this is a team effortand some team members have to take onefor the team. So, are you a team player?
Joey:
Raye: ARE YOU?!
Joey: grrr
Raye: FineI'll go get my grandpa. He's out doing an exorcism somewhere.
Joey: Good. BUT I'M STILL NOT GOING OUT THERE IN MY UNDERWEAR!
Raye: YOU'LL DO IT AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!or else I won't get grandpa.
Joey: sigh Fine. I still don't know why, but let's just get this over with.
While Chronulak reminisces about his bunny dream, Joey bursts out of the front door of the Temple in his boxers, and Raye sneaks out the back. As Raye rushes to wherever it is her grandpa is exorcising demons, Chronulak corners Joey.
Joey: (thinking: I'm dead!)
But before Chronulak incinerates Joey, he begins to laughand laughand roll on the floor laughing.
Chronulak: Buahahaha! The insignificant mortal has been stripped down to his undergarments. His embarrassment brings amusement to Chronulak!
Joey: sniff heythat hurts
While Chronulak laughs, Raye and her grandpa come crashing down on his head with a spell scroll that disintegrates him.
Joey: In the nick of time!
Raye: See? I knew you being in your underwear would come in handy!
Joey: Shut up.
Raye's grandpa: Sorry about all that sonny! Raye thinks she can do anything on her own. She should have waited for me to be there until she summoned that demon.
Joey: Yeah yeah. I bet we all make that mistake the first time we try to summon a demon. Now about my money
Grandpa: Money? What's he talking about Raye?
Joey: I'm the pizza guy. She ordered pizza and I delivered it. Now she has to pay for the pizza.
Grandpa: [getting red in the face] RAYE! WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT ORDERING PIZZA WHEN I'M AWAY?!
Raye: But grandpa I–
Grandpa: NO BUTS! GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Raye reluctantly obeys.
Grandpa: I guess I'm stuck with the bill. How much will it cost?
Joey: plus tip.
Grandpa: [handing over the money] Kids today! They eat so much and hardly gain a pound!
Joey: [taking the money and running] Yeahyeahlifesucksfortheelderlygottago! (Yeah yeah life sucks for the elderly gotta go!)
Joey jumps in his car and puts the pedal to the metal.
-
Joey back at the pizza place
Joey: Man. One weird day followed by a SEVERELY MESSED UP oneI hope I have better luck tomorrow.
END CHAPTER 2!
Hold on for the next chapterWednesday — Cheese!