Adventures in Pizza Delivery
by The Moose of Death
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters. This is just for kicks, y'know?
Chapter 3: Wednesday — Cheese
Setting–Donnie's Pizza (We Deliver!)
Joey: [washing the counter] Hey Frank.
Frank: Yeah?
Joey: Were you ever a delivery boy?
Frank: Of course.
Joey: Did you ever have any weird deliveries.
Frank: Lots of 'em.
Joey: What was the weirdest one?
Frank: Hmmmmprobably when a guy answered the door in dress.
Joey: ..You really don't pay me enough for this job.
The phone rings and Frank picks it up.
Frank: Donnie's Pizza! You say it, we bake it!
Person on the phone: Hello. I will have a small cheese pizza, please.
Frank: Okay, a small cheese. Anything else?
Person: Yes. Can you have it delivered by 5-foot-6 to 6-foot tall male, weighing 140-180 pounds?
Frank: Hold on a second.
Frank pulls out a tape measure and quickly does a height check on Joey. Joey is 5-foot-10.
Frank: How much do you weigh, Joey?
Joey: Umabout 155, I guess.
Frank: [talking to the phone] Yeah, I can do that.
Person: Excellent.
Frank: So a small cheese pizza, plus special delivery, will cost $8.99.
Person: Good. This is Amy Anderson. You will be delivering it to
Frank: [writing stuff down] Uh-huhgot it.
Frank hangs up the phone and hands over the piece of paper to Joey. Joey gets the pizza, loads it into his car, and drives off.
-
As Joey turns off his engine, he looks upon a huge mansion. He looks at the address on the house and then checks the address in his hand, trying to make sure they match, which they do.
Joey: Jeez. With a place like this, you'd think this Amy person could hire her own chef instead of ordering a pizza.
Joey turns his engine on again and pulls up in front of an intercom at the front gate.
Joey: Hi there! Got a pizza here for an Amy Anderson.
Intercom: Please enter.
The huge gates open and Joey drives toward the house. He gets out of the car and brings the pizza out. As he walks up to the front door, a blue-haired girl, much shorter than he is, opens it.
Girl: Hello. I am Amy. Please enter.
Joey: [walking in] It'll be $8.99, please.
Amy: What will be $8.99?
Joey: The pizza.
Amy: Oh that's all right. I don't really care much for pizza. Too greasy.
Joey: Then why did you want one delivered? I mean, you could at least pay for it.
Amy: Listen, I am going to be frank–
Joey: Please don't. It's bad enough I have to deal with him at the pizza place.
Amy: No no. I mean, I am going to be straightforward with you.
Joey: Oh, okay. Shoot.
Amy: I need you for an experiment.
Joey: A what?!
Amy: A scientific experiment for my school. I will pay you an extra $50 if you agree.
Joey: NO WAY! I'm not falling for that one again!
Amy: Then perhaps I will have to give you a little something[unbuttons her shirt a bit]
Joey: I'll do it.
Amy: I knew you would.
Amy grabs Joey by the hand and takes him into a relatively small room with stone walls, no windows, and a single hanging light bulb lighting it up. There is a table with a set chessboard and two chairs.
Joey: So I guess we'll be playing chess, or whatever.
Amy: Yes, something like that.
Joey: Cool. I ain't that bad at it. Let's do this!
Amy: Please sit down and take off your shirt.
Joey: Why my shirt?
Amy: Be glad it won't be your pants.
Joey: Oh all right.
Joey takes off his shirt and sits down in front of the black pieces. Immediately after he sits down, Amy straps his legs, arms, and waist to the chair.
Joey: Hey! What're you doing?!
Amy: It will keep you from hurting yourself or getting away.
Joey: Oh THAT'S comforting!
Amy then places circular stickers with metal protruding from them on Joey's shoulders, back, and nipples.
Joey: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Amy: This is part of the experiment. I am testing to see if human beings increase performance if they are given enoughmotivation.
Joey: Okaayyy. And what does all that have to do with these stickers?
Amy: I am glad you asked.
Amy clamps on wires stretching from a large black box to each of the protruding metal pieces of the stickers and brings out a small remote.
Amy: You will play me at chess until you defeat me. If you lose a game, I will give you a little shock
Amy presses the button on the remote, causing Joey to shake with electricity and send a buzzing sound through the air.
Joey: WHOA! WhoaI REALLY don't feel comfortable with these things on my nipples.
Amy: Well, we could always put them[whispers in his ear]
Joey: N-Nipples are fine. Nipples work.
Amy: Excellent. [speaking into a tape recorder] Testing maximum voltage on subject.
Joey: WAIT! NOT MAXI–[bzzzzzzzzz]
Amy: [into a tape recorder] Subject can survive maximum voltage; proceeding with experiment. How are you feeling?
Joey: P-P-Pleasen-no more
Amy: I had better check in case that wasn't a fluke.
Joey: N–[bzzzzzzzzzzzzz]
Amy: Hmmmsmoke this time. How do you feel now?
Joey: [quietly sobs]
Amy: I will take that as a "super."
They begin their first game, with Joey moving his pieces with a slightly movable, yet still restricted, hand. Amy beats him in four moves, so she gives him a shock.
Amy: This probably wouldn't be so difficult for you if I weren't considered a prodigy by the Russian Grand-Masters of chess
Joey: Gee, YA THINK?!! [bzzzzzzzz]
Amy: Oops. That one slipped. On to the next game.
They play again and Amy beats him in eight moves. She pushes the button.
Amy: That took twice as long as last time. You are definitely improving!
Joey: Could we just stop this? I mean, can't you just say you did all this and that it was a success? I won't tell anyone and you can keep the money!
Amy: Of course not! I am not the number one student at my school for nothing! And I would feel bad about it if I did not pay you.
Joey: That's funny. Most people would feel bad about the whole shocking thi–[bzzzzzz]
Amy: Sorry. Slipped again.
Joey: I'm sure
Amy: What was that?
Joey: Nothing.
They begin another game, which Joey loses, and Amy shocks him. This pattern repeats for another hour.
Amy: This is not working as well as I had hoped. Your best performance was taking way five pieces, which were all pawns!
Joey: ooooooooooooh
Amy: Umyou're drooling a little bit.
Joey:
Amy: I'll give this another hour and stop if we're still at this point.
Joey: heeaad towaaard the liiigghhttt
An hour later
Amy: This was an utter failure. [pushes the button]
Joey: [bzzzz] moan Arewe done?
Amy: I suppose so
Joey: Oh thank GOD!
Amy begins to unstrap Joey from the chair and remove the stickers.
Joey: Faster! FASTER!
Amy: sniff But now I don't have a science project for my class
Joey tries to make a break for the door, but can barely walk.
Amy: [helping him up] Don't go yet. I still need to pay you!
Joey: Heh, I can't believe I forget!actually I could. Gimme gimme!
Amy: [handing over the money] Here's the $8.99 for the pizza$50 for the help
Joey: Okay. [grinning] Now for the extra reward!
Amy: And as for the bonus [unbuttoning her shirt some more]
Joey: [grinning and wide-eyed]
Amy: [pulling out a book from within her shirt] A copy of one of my favorite books: The Catcher in the Rye!
Joey: [ o.o; ]thanks. (thinking: HA! Good one, God! Very funny)
Amy: Your welcome! And thanks for everything!
Joey sulks to his car, staring at the ground and dragging his feet along the way. Amy waves good-bye as he drives off.
-
Joey back at the pizza place
Joey: GOD! What a job this turned out to be!
Frank: Dammit Joey! You're gone for a good two hours without a single excuse behind it!
Joey: But sir I–
Frank: [pointing his finger up to Joey's face] I don't wanna hear it! How do you expect us to make money if you're always out there lolly-gaggin?!
Joey touches Frank's finger with his own, sending a shock of electricity that knocks Frank to the ground.
Joey: Coolmaybe this didn't turn out so bad after all.
END CHAPTER 3!
Wait for the next chapterThursday — The Works!