Adventures in Pizza Delivery
by The Moose of Death
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters. This is just for kicks, y'know?
Chapter 4: Thursday — The Works
Setting–Donnie's Pizza (We Deliver!)
Joey: [holding a light bulb] Light, dammit! sigh I guess that electricity thing wore off. That's too bad. I mean, I just finished writing up my revenge list last night!
Frank: [walking in] Joey, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.
Joey: I'm shocked.
Frank: The bad news isI lost you in a poker game and now you'll be a slave laborer for Mikey's Pizza down the block.
Joey: [ O.O ] YOU WHAT?!
Frank: Now now. Don't be too upset. I did say there was good news.
Joey: HOW COULD ANYTHING POSSIBLY MAKE THIS SITUATION BETTER?!
Frank: The good news isI just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
Joey:
Joey: I'm gonna kill you now.
Frank: Fair enough.
As Joey looks around for a knife, the phone rings and Frank picks it up.
Frank: Donie's Pizza! You say it, we bake it!
Person on the phone: I'll have a large pizza.
Frank: Anything on it?
Joey: [still looking around] I know a saw a good stabbin' knife around here somewhere
Person: I want the works. From pepperoni to anchovies, green pepper to pineapple. Every topping you have, put it on!
Frank: All right. One large pizza with the works–
Person: And a two-liter Coke.
Frank: And a two-liter Coke will be $16.49.
Person: Gotcha. This is Lita. Deliver it to
Frank writes down the address while Joey finds the perfect knife.
Joey: All right! Let the bloody murder begin!
Frank: [taking away the knife] No time. I got a delivery for ya.
Joey: Why should I? I thought I was gambled into slave labor!
Frank: You were, but that doesn't start until tomorrow. Until then, you're still delivering pizzas for me.
Holding in his rage, Joey takes the address in Frank's hand, gets a pizza, and drives off.
-
Joey stops the car, takes out the pizza, and finds that the address was an apartment complex.
Joey: [reading the address] I can barely make out what it says. Is it 2-B or not 2-B? Hmmmthat is the question
When Joey finally deciphers the writing (it was 3-B!), he walks up the stairs and rings 3-B's bell.
Joey: Hello! Pizza man! Got your pizza and coke!
The door opens slightly, revealing a pair of green eyes.
Joey: Are you Lita?
Lita: Yeah. Are you the Pizza guy?
Joey: I would think the pizza in my hand would be a dead giveaway.
Lita: [opening the door all the way] Come on in. I've got the money inside.
Joey walks in with Lita behind him. Suddenly, Lita gives him a chop to the back of the head, knocking him out instantly.
Joey: [waking up] ugh My headwhat happened?
Joey looks around and realizes he's in a dining room facing Lita. He tries to get up, but finds that he's been tied to a chair.
Joey: Why am I not surprised?
He notices Lita is dissecting the pizza with science equipment and drinking some of the soda. She picks up individual toppings, licks them, and spits a bit.
Joey: All right Miss PSYCHOWhat in the hell is going on here?
Lita: [without looking up from her work] I am merely determining each individual flavor and chemical component of a pizza.
Joey: Oh is that all? Do tell me WHY THE HELL YOU TIED ME UP!
Lita: Because I may need you.
Joey: Lemme guess, you're gonna dissect me too?
Lita: Don't be silly. I just may need to interrogate you.
Joey: ABOUT WHAT?!
Lita doesn't answer. She just leaves the room into what seems to be the kitchen. About five minutes later, she comes back with what appears to be a pizza.
Joey: Okaaayyyso you order a pizza to show the pizza guy a pizza.
Lita places the plain cheese pizza in front of Joey. Before Joey moves his head in for a closer look, it begins to jump around and shriek in agony.
Joey: JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS THAT?!
Lita: That's my homemade pizza.
Joey: FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS SANE IN THE WORLD! KILL IT!!
Lita immediately takes a knife, dices it up, and throws it away.
Joey: Thank you. NowWHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
Lita: Look. I'm a darn good chef. Everyone I know agrees.
Joey: Mm-hmmand at what point are you going to tell me that's a lie?
Lita: sigh I really am a good cook. It's justit's just that
Joey: Just what?
Lita: I can't cook pizza.
Joey: So? Not many people can. That's why you call up people like me.
Lita: You don't understand. I am supposed to be the chef that can cook anything. How can I follow my dream and open my own restaurant when I can't even cook a stupid pizza?
Joey: Easy – hire someone who can.
Lita: [slaps Joey] This is important for me, okay?
Joey: So why tie me up?
Lita: To keep you from getting away.
Joey: (thinking: where have I heard that one before?) Other than the obvious reason.
Lita: Well, if I fail at making a pizza based on my research of the one you delivered, then I could ask you how I can my a successful pizza.
Joey: Oh c'mon! I just deliver the damn things! How should I know how to make one?
Lita: I know you're lying, and I must warn you that I can be very persuasive
Lita quickly leaves the room and comes back with a car battery charger and jumper cables.
Lita: Tell me what I want to know, or you'll find out just howI can be [taps the ends of the cables together, emitting a spark]
Joey: Just to let you know, that's not gonna work on me.
Lita touches Joey with the cables, filling the room with a bright light, but having no effect on him. She tries several more times, each without Joey flinching.
Joey: See? I've built up a tolerance to it.
Lita: Damn. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this
Lita leaves the room and wheels in a TV and VCR. She puts in an unmarked tape and dims the lights.
Lita: This'll break you.
Joey: Oh, I'm soooooo scared!
Lita: You will beyou will be[turns away and puts fingers in ears]
TV: Presenting! The Teletubbies Christmas Special: "It's a Tubbiful Life"!
All that can be heard are the screams of the most pure form of human suffering and agony.
Joey: SOMEBODY GOUGE MY EYES OUT!
Lita: Then you'll talk?
Joey: IT'S LIKE NAILS OF SATAN HIMSELF CLAWING ON A CHALKBOARD!
Lita: I'll let you think this over a little longer.
Ten minutes later
Lita: Hmmmthis is strange. Any normal person would have cracked by now. I guess he really doesn't know anything.
Lita stops the tape and unties Joey. Joey has stopped screaming, but is now frozen in a look of terror.
Lita: All right. You can leave now.
Joey: [ 0.0 ]
Lita: I said, you can go now.
Joey: [ 0.0 ]
Lita lifts her shirt up and down quickly.
Joey: Okay I'm up.
Lita: sigh I just really wish I would've figured out the pizza thing.
Joey: Yeah yeah I'm sure you will. Now about my money, lest we forget.
Lita: Oh yeah sorry about that. How much is it?
Joey: $16.49.
Lita: [hands him a $20 bill] Keep the change.
Joey: I would have even if you didn't even offer it. Now which way is the exit?
Lita: Over there. [points to door leading outside]
Joey: Thanks. I'll just run out now, screaming of course, and leap over the safety rail to the ground and freedom.
Lita: But we're three stories up!
Joey: [already at the leaping part] I KNOOooooowwwww [hits the ground]
Joey gets up, possibly with something broken, and walks to his car. He gets in and drives away.
-
Joey back at the pizza place
Joey: Well I guess it's my last day! Goodbye Donnie's, and hello slavery!
Frank: Joey, I've got some good news!
Joey: You kept my stabbin' knife for me?
Frank: No no. Even better. You're still gonna be workin' for me!
Joey: How is that good?
Frank: I found out that a pair of Jacks does beat a Queen-high! So a quick conversation and a sledgehammer to the legs of the manager of Mikey's helped get you back!
Joey: But do you still have my stabbin' knife?
Frank: Yeah it's right here. [hands him the knife]
Joey: Goooooood
END CHAPTER 4!
Stay tuned for the next chapterFriday — Barbecued Chicken!