Adventures in Pizza Delivery
by The Moose of Death
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters. This is just for kicks, y'know?
Chapter 5: Friday — Barbecued Chicken
Setting–Donnie's Pizza (We Deliver!)
Joey: [mopping the floor] Stupid Frank. Can't believe he actually survived fourteen stab wounds to the back. And now I gotta mop the floors!
Frank: Meh. I've gotten used to it.
Joey: sigh Why do I even bother to go on with this job?
Joey's Father (flashback): You get a job or SO HELP ME GOD you're going BACK IN THE CAGE!
Joey: Oh yeahnow I remember
The phone rings and Joey answers it.
Joey: Donnie's Pizza! You shake it, we bake it!
Frank smacks Joey's head.
Joey: I mean, you say it, we bake it!
Person on the phone: Hi! I'll have a medium pizza with barbecued chicken on it.
Joey: [to Frank] Do we even have barbecued chicken as a topping.
Frank: We will soon enough
Frank pulls out a butcher knife and a live chicken from underneath the counter.
Joey: Why were those there?
Frank: Y'knowjust in case.
Joey: Riiiiigghhttt.
Frank walks into the kitchen with the items.
Joey: [to the phone] All right. So I've got you down for a medium pizza withbarbecued chicken.
Joey hears a several clucks and then a hard chopping sound.
Person: Yup.
Joey: [shudders] Okay. That'll be $9.99. May I have your name and address, please?
Person: This is Mina. The address is
Joey writes down the address and calls for Frank, but has to yell over the loud frying sounds in the kitchen. Joey walks in to check on Frank, only to find the kitchen a bloody mess.
Joey: Aw jeezare you sure you're doing this right, Frank? I mean, I'm pretty sure barbecued chicken isn't supposed to be fried
Frank: Look, I'm just tryin' to go as fast as I can.
Joey: Well I'm not cleaning all of this up!
Frank: You damn well better!!
After the pizza is finally done cooking and the kitchen cleaned, Joey loads up and heads out.
-
Joey arrives at his destination, takes out the pizza, and walks up to the door.
Joey: [knocking on the door] Hellooo! Pizza guy! (thinking: please be normal please be normal please be normal)
The door is opened by a girl with sapphire blue eyes and long, blonde hair.
Girl: Hi I'm Mina! I see you have my pizza.
Joey: [ O.O ] (thinking: she's absolutely gorgeous!) I-I
Mina: I can see that.
Joey: [ O.O ] G-Got
Mina: Okaayyy. Do you want your money now?
Joey: Actually, ummaybe I could pay for it myself andmaybe I couldjoin you
Mina: Sure! Free food is a-okay with me!
Joey: All right! (thinking: after all my pain and suffering, I'm finally being rewarded!)
Mina: Y'know, you're kinda cute. What's your name?
Joey: J-Joey.
Mina: Well come on in Joey!
Mina walks Joey in and they sit at a table to eat the pizza.
Mina: So what took you so long with the pizza?
Joey: [trying with all of his might to take a bite] Ummlet's just say we were putting on the freshest ingredients we could find.
Mina: Wow! That's pretty good service!
Joey: Yeahgood service
Just then, a white cat jumps onto Joey's lap.
Joey: Whoa! Hey there, fella!
Mina: Oh that's just Artemis. It looks like he really likes you!
Joey: Sure does. [scratches Artemis's head]
Mina: Would you like something to drink?
Joey: Sure. I'll have whatever you're having.
Mina: Okay.
Mina leaves for the kitchen.
Joey: Well, Artemis, you sure are a lucky cat to be livin' with a girl like Mina!
Artemis: Run boy! Run while you can!
Joey: [jumping up] WHAT THE HELL?!
Mina: [from the kitchen] Is something wrong?
Joey: No! Everything'sjust fine
Joey takes a look at Artemis and then at the pizza.
Joey: Dammit! I knew Frank didn't cook this right!
Mina walks in with two glasses of lemonade in her hands.
Mina: What was all that yelling about?
Joey: Oh it's nothing! Just thought the cat was talking to me! Heh heh.
Mina: Yeah, umsometimes Artemis's meows sound likewords and stuff.
Joey: Well he's pretty good at it.
Mina gives Artemis a cold stare, scaring the cat into leaving.
Joey: [sipping his drink] So tell me what kind of things you like to do?
Mina: Oh you'll find out soon enough
Joey: "Soon enough"? What does that m–ooooohh crap.
Mina: Tell me, Joey. Are you feeling a bitdizzy?
Joey: [holding his head] a littleHow'd you know?
Mina: Well I'd say the drugs I put in your drink would be a tip-off.
Joey: Of courseand thus continues my week from hell. [passes out]
When Joey wakes up, he finds himself in a dark bedroom. He tries to move, but realizes that he's (surprise surprise!) tied to the bed, with each limb stretched out to a corner. Suddenly, Artemis jumps up on his chest.
Artemis: I told you to run, but nooooo. The second someone hears a talking cat, they just think they're crazy and move on!
Joey: So you can talk! That's both a relief and an unsettling thought. TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!
Artemis: Well if that's gonna be your tone of voice, then I'm just gonna leave.
Joey: WAIT! COME BACK HERE YOU STUPID, POSSIBLY DRUG INDUCED CAT!
Artemis walks out the door. About a minute later Mina enters and shuts the door behind her.
Joey: This isn't gonna be good.
Mina: So how are we feeling?
Joey: Like sunshine and rainbows. HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?
Mina: sniff There's no need to yell at me
Joey: Oh I think there is.
Mina lies down next him and puts her head on his arm.
Joey: Even though this whole imprisonment thing is becoming pretty routine for me, why are you doing this?
Mina: Well when I said you were cute, I meant it.
Joey: [blushing] A-And I think you're cute too! So why don't we just loosen these knots
Mina: Because then you'll just run away!
Joey: Why would I do that, other than the sense of fear surging through me?
Mina: Well, when I get to liking a guy, they always think I'm really possessive.
Joey: Ya don't say
Mina: They wind up leaving and I never see them again!
Joey: Well, then they were the smart ones.
Mina: But now I've found a way that keeps them with me!
Joey: Hmmmdoes it have anything to do with strapping them to your bed?
Mina: Wow! You're clever too!
Joey: Oh it was just a lucky guess.
Mina: I'm gonna enjoy having you locked up in my room. We're gonna have so much fun!
Joey: How long do you plan on keeping me in here?
Mina: Until we're old enough to get married, silly!
Joey: [struggling wildly] SOMEBODY HEEEELLPPPP!!!!!!!!
Mina: I wouldn't bother. No one's gonna hear it.
Just then, they both hear a car pull up to the house.
Mina: Oh great! This might mess EVERYTHING up
Joey: Please Lord, let that be a random kidnapped person check or SOMETHING!
Footsteps can be heard outside Mina's bedroom door. Someone knocks and Mina jumps up, seeming frightened.
Mina's Mom: [from outside] Mina we're home!
Mina: Oh crap! It's my parents!
Joey: Your WHAT?!
Mina's Dad: [from outside] Mina? Are you in there?
Mina: Uhyeah dad! Just give me a second. I'm doinggirl stuff!
Mina's Mom: [from outside] Are you okay? Maybe I should come in there.
Mina: No no! I'm okay in here!
Joey: HELP ME!
Mina: [covering Joey's mouth] Quiet!
Mina's Dad: [from outside] Is that a boy I hear in there?
Mina: NO! It'sthe TV!
Mina's Mom: [from outside] But you don't have a TV in there.
Mina: I moved it!
Mina's Dad: [from outside] Well I'm gonna want it back in the living room, young lady!
Mina's dad begins to open the door, but Mina rushes over to it to keep him blocked out.
Mina: That won't be necessary dad!
Joey: HELL YEAH IT'LL BE NECESSARY 'CAUSE I'M NOT A TV!! I'M A GUY TIED TO YOUR DAUGHTER'S BED!!!!
Mina's mom and dad burst in after hearing that last yell.
Joey: OH THANK YOU!
Mina's Dad: MINA! Who is this?!
Mina: This is my boyfriend!
Joey: More like VICTIM!
Mina's Mom: Minaaawhat have we told you about forcing boys into loving you?
Mina: But this guy really does like me!
Joey: Yeah...until I found out you were CRAZY!
Mina's Dad: I just don't think you're old enough for this kind of forcing relationship.
Mina: But this is how you and mom met!
Mina's Mom: Well that was during our college years. You're still in high school!
Mina: [begins to cry] You just don't understand! Now I'll never find true love!
Mina runs out with tears streaming down and loud cries of sadness.
Mina's Mom: Do you think we were too hard on her?
Mina's Dad: Nonsense. She has to learn this kind of stuff one way or another.
Joey: ahem If it's not too much trouble, could you please UN-FRIGGIN-TIE ME?!
Mina's Dad: Sure thing!
Mina's parents untie Joey from the bed.
Mina's Dad: I'm sorry about all this. But be glad we found you so soon! Mina's done this lots of times before.
Joey: What happened to those other guys?
Mina's Mom: Oh those poooor, poor bastards
Joey: Forget I asked.
Joey begins to run out, but just before he leaves, Mina stops him.
Mina: Do you still want the money for the pizza?
Joey: Hey, didn't I say I was paying for it?
Mina: You'll come back to visit, right?
Joey gives her a kiss on the cheek.
Joey: You're a beautiful girl, and I'm flattered, but at the same timeterrified.
And with that, Joey runs to his car, starts it up, and pretends there aren't any speed limits.
Mina: [holding her cheek] He'll be back
-
Joey back at the pizza place
Joey: sigh So I find the girl of my dreams and it turns into the movie Misery.
Frank: Having trouble with your love life, eh?
Joey: Frank, the last thing I wanna hear right now is something coming out of your mouth.
Frank: Well I've got a daughter about your age visiting me here right now if you're interested
Joey: Actually I'm n–
Frank: COME ON IN SUGAR!
In walks Frank's daughter, who looks like Frank if you put a wig on him.
Joey: Never in my life have I wanted the sweet embrace of death more than at this moment.
END CHAPTER 5!
Get ready for the next and final chapterSaturday — Half and Half!