Adventures in Pizza Delivery
by The Moose of Death
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters. This is just for kicks, y'know?
Chapter 6: Saturday – Half and Half
Setting—Donnie's Pizza (We Deliver!)
Joey: It's been quiet.
Frank: Yup.
Joey: Too quiet.
Frank: Slow day for business.
Joey: No crazy deliveries. No life or sanity threatening situations. It's all beennormal.
Frank: Be careful with what you say.
Joey: It's five minutes to closing time. I'm almost home free. So I can say what want!
The phone rings and Joey screams.
Joey: Don't answer it, I'm begging you!
Frank: Hey, business is business!
Frank picks up the phone.
Frank: Donnie's Pizza! You say it, we bake it!
Person on the phone: Hi there! I'd like two large half and half pizzas. One half should be veggie lover's, another half should be supreme, another half sausage and pepperoni, and I guess the last half should be cheese.
Joey: Say we ran out of ingredients! Or that we don't have anyone to deliver it! ANYTHING!
Frank: All right. Two half and halves, one side veggie, one side cheese, another side a sausage and pep, and the last a supreme. That'll be $27.90.
Joey: You suck.
Person: Okay. Deliver it to
Frank writes down the address and gives it to Joey. When Joey reads it, his jaw drops.
Joey: I'M DELIVERING IT WHERE??!!!
Frank: I wrote what I wrote.
Joey: IT SAYS THE CHERRY HILL TEMPLE!!!
Frank: Yup.
Joey: Why?
Frank: 'Cause that's where the person lives.
Joey: I wasn't asking you, I was asking God.
Frank: Maybe he needs a good laugh.
Joey: I was so close to a sane day
Frank: Quit yer stalling and get to delivering!
Joey loads up the pizzas and drives off to the familiar address weeping.
-
When Joey arrives at the temple, he has finally pulled himself together and is now just concentrating on getting the pizzas delivered so he can go home in one piece. He walks up to the door and knocks.
Joey: Pizza guy! Got your half and halves! Please don't send any demons after me!
Raye's grandpa answers the door.
Raye's Grandpa: Hey, I remember you! Come back to marry my grand-daughter, eh?
Joey: What? No! I've got some piz—
Grandpa: WHAT? ARE YOU SAYING SHE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!
Joey: That's not what I said! I said I have the pizza—
Grandpa: GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I REALLY GET ANGRY!
Raye runs up to her grandpa to settle him down. To Joey's relief, she's not in her priestess outfit, but in some casual clothing.
Raye: Grandpa! I thought I told you to stop answering the door like that!
Grandpa: Well I'm sorry if I'm trying to get you a husband before you get old, saggy, and unwanted! I'm starting to think you're not even into men!
Raye: WHAT?!
Grandpa: [walking back into the house] You do always seem to only have other girls overand you've never had a boyfriend. Very strange at your age
Raye: [holding in her rage] Grandpaaaa
Joey: (ahem) Pizzas
Raye: Sorry about that, Joey. My grandpa can act pretty senile sometimes.
Joey: It's all right. I just wanna deliver th—wait. How do you know my name?
Raye: I've got some friends in here who know you. That's why we ordered some pizza!
Joey: These friends of yoursare they human?
Raye: Don't be silly. Of course they are! Now come on in because you're our guest of honor!
Joey: Well, as long as they aren't demons
Raye: Great! Follow me and bring the pizzas, too.
Joey follows Raye to her bedroom door.
Joey: Y'know, Raye...you look kinda cute when you're in regular clothes instead of your priestess robes.
Raye: [blushing] T-Thank you!
Voice from inside Raye's room: I HEARD THAT JOEY! YOU BETTER NOT BE CHEATING ON ME!
Joey: [ O.O; ] I know that voice!
Before Joey can run, Raye opens the door, pushes him in with herself, and shuts the door behind her.
Joey: Itbe!
Raye: But it is
Sitting down around a table is Lita, Serena with a cat in her lap, Amy reading a book, and Mina with Artemis next to her. Mina immediately wraps herself around Joey's arm
Everyone but Mina: Hi Joey!
Mina: HOW COULD YOU GO AROUND COMPLEMENTING OTHERS GIRLS LIKE THAT?!
Joey: Because you're not my girlfriend!
Mina: AND YOU BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN, RAYE!
Raye: Fine by me.
Joey: [trying to shake off Mina] So why did you want me here?
Serena: Yesterday, after Mina met you, she called each of us up because she wanted to tell all of us about you.
Lita: With what she described, we figured out that you were the same guy who delivered pizza to all of us!
Amy: And we just wanted to say thank you for everything you've done!
Joey: I did something good?
Mina: Of course, my sweet little love muffin!
Joey: I'm your what?
Raye: What she's saying is that you've helped each of us out in one way or another.
Amy: Indeed. Even though the original purpose to my experiment was a failure, I checked my data and found out that I had used enough electricity on you to light up my house for a whole twenty-four hours!
Joey: I'm not surprised at those results.
Amy: Then, all I had to write about was that the physical limits of human suffering reached much further than anyone expected. I got first place at my science fair!
Joey: Uhglad I could help.
Amy: And did you enjoy the book I gave you?
Joey: Well the struggle of a rebellious youth criticizing the world around him, only to learn that it would not be society that changes but he himself, was very interesting. I breezed right through it.
Amy: Very astute observations.
Joey: Quite.
Mina: [squeezing Joey's arm tighter] Let's not get too friendly with the other ladies
Amy: Come now, Mina. All I did was give him a book!
Mina: And the next one you give him will probably be one of those dirty romance novels you're always reading.
Amy: [blushing] I-I do NOT read that disgusting garbage!
Amy quickly hides the book she's reading behind her back.
Raye: Well I want to thank you for helping me reach the status of head priestess.
Joey: But I thought you screwed that up! You know, when I had to run out in my underwear?
Mina: YOU LET HER SEE YOU IN YOUR UNDERWEAR?!
Joey: It's not like I had a choice!
Raye: All those mistakes just taught me that I had to be more preparedand not use pizza as a sacrifice.
Joey: I think we've all learned that much, at least.
Joey turns to Lita, though Mina's weight on his arm makes it a chore.
Joey: And what about you, Lita? Did you finally make that pizza?
Lita: You betcha!
Joey: How'd you figure it out?
Lita: I took your advice and hired a real pizza chef to tell me.
Joey: Hiredor tortured?
Lita: Fine! I tortured him! Happy?!
Joey: Jumper cables?
Lita: Nope. Went straight to the Teletubbies.
Joey: That'll do it.
Mina pulls Joey closer to her.
Mina: And you know why I'm here to thank you
Joey: To lure me back into the web like the black widow spider you are.
Mina: No, silly! Because I love you! [aside] Damn! He's on to me!
Joey: What was that?
Mina: Nothing.
Serena: (ahem) Well I'm here to thank you for trying to comfort me when I thought Darien was cheating on me.
Joey: It was nothing.
Serena: I also want to apologize for trying to seduce you and all. I mean, I wasn't really thinking straight at the time.
Mina: YOU DID WHAT?!?! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
As Mina chases Serena around the room, the cat that was in Serena's lap approaches Joey.
Cat: Greetings Joey. I am Luna.
Joey: Y'knowbefore yesterday, you talking would have seemed very awkward to me.
Mina: [still chasing Serena] JUST GIVE UP NOW AND I'LL MAKE IT QUICK AND PAINLESS!
Luna: Could you please stop her for now?
Joey: I'll do it the only sure way I know how.
Joey grabs Amy, who had just gotten back to her book, and gives her a big kiss on the lips. Mina immediately freezes in her tracks in a look of shock.
Serena: [poking Mina] She's definitely out of it.
Serena grabs Mina, leans her against the wall, and sits back down next to the table. Amy looks around a little dazed.
Luna: Thank you. Now you girls enjoy your pizza while Joey and I talk.
Everyone but the frozen Mina: Okay!
Raye grabs the pizzas, puts them on the table, and they all dig in.
Joey: (thinking: My God! They're actually eating the pizza!)
Luna: Now Joey, there is a reason why we called you here other than to thank you.
Joey: And what would that be?
Luna: My colleague Artemis, whom you have no doubt met, has told me about your ordeal with Mina.
Joey takes a look at Artemis, who is taking Mina's place at eating pizza.
Artemis: WHAT? NO ANCHOVIES?! WHAT KIND OF PIZZA IS THIS?
Joey: [looking back at Luna] What's your point?
Luna: I have also learned what you have gone through with these other girls.
Joey: You mean hell? It wasn't all that bad.
Luna: Your versatility and courage has led me to realize that you are the pizza delivery boy from the old Moon Kingdom!
Joey: The what?
Luna: It may sound strange at first, but Serena is a princess from a kingdom on the moon that existed over a thousand years ago.
Joey takes a look at Serena, who has two slices of pizza in her mouth.
Raye: Could you quit stuffing your face so that the rest of us could eat?! I mean, you're fat enough already!
Serena: (sniff) Why do you say things that you know are gonna hurt me?
Joey: [looking back at Luna] Riiiiight.
Luna: You may think I'm crazy—
Joey: No, I think I'm crazy because I'm listening to a cat who's telling me about a moon princess.
Luna: (sigh) Then I suppose it won't make you feel any better if I told you those other four are her sworn guardians?
Joey looks at the girls.
Raye: [chowing down on 4 slices] See Serena? When eating, you have to have self-control. Take me for example.
Amy: [drooling as she reads her romance novel]
Lita: [looking through rolled up pizzas] I can see everything with my pizza goggles!
Mina: [still frozen with shock]
Joey: [back to Luna] Not one bit.
Luna: Then I guess I will have to prove it to you. Girls, transform into the Sailor Scouts!
Everyone nods their heads and transforms except for Mina, who's still frozen. Then they just get back to their pizza.
Luna: Do you believe me now?
Joey: I do. But now that I think about it, I should have noticed it before. I mean, these aren't very good disguises
Luna: Oh shut up.
Joey: So what does this have to do with me?
Luna: Like I said, you are the pizza delivery boy from that kingdom. The delivery boy of Destiny!
Joey: I'm still not buying it.
Luna: All right. Just grab a pizza and reach as far back into your memory as you can
Joey goes to grab a slice, but there is only one left, which Serena takes.
Luna: DROP THAT PIZZA, SERENA!
Serena: (sniff) But I'm still hungry
Luna: WE'LL GET SOMETHING ON THE WAY HOME! NOW DROP IT!!!
Serena pouts a bit and puts the pizza down, which Joey picks up.
Luna: Do you remember now?
Joey: No.
Luna: How about now?
Joey: No.
Luna: Now?
Joey: Still no.
Luna: Well then you're just not trying!
Joey: Of course I'm not trying! This is all really stupid!
Luna: Lita, could you give him a little help?
Lita: Sure thing!
Lita gives Joey a hard punch in the head that sends him spinning into the far reaches of his memory.
-
Back at the Moon Kingdom, a thousand years ago
Joey: [knocking on the palace door] Pizza guy! Got your pizza!
Princess Serena: [opening the door] Shhh! You have to be quieter about this!
Queen Serenity: [from inside] Serena? Is that another pizza man? You know you should stop eating that junk!
Princess Serena: No mom! It's justjust another salesman!
Queen Serenity: [from inside] Oh okay! Give him a kick in the balls for me!
Princess Serena: I will!
Joey: You're not actually gonna kick me in the balls, are you?
Princess Serena: [taking the pizza] Thank you, kind sir! I am forever in your debt!
Joey: Yer damn right you are! You owe me $15.99!
Princess Serena: [handing him money] Here's a $20. Keep the change. Now flee, before the guards see you!
-
Back in the present
Joey: II remember
Luna: Then you know your destiny
Joey: Destiny? DESTINY?! MY DESTINY IS BEING A PIZZA GUY??!!
Luna: We all have our place in the world.
Joey: I knew my life sucked, but I didn't think it would be THIS BAD!
Mina: [still frozen]
Joey: And will somebody PLEASE snap her out of it?!
Amy: We've been trying ever since you went into your flashback.
Lita: I say we keep her like that. We could use her as a mannequin.
Joey: Jeez! I guess I'll have to do it!
Joey walks up to Mina and whispers in her ear. Mina immediately snaps out of it, but falls to the floor dumbstruck and with a grin on her face.
Raye: Wow. How'd you do it?
Joey: No biggie. Just had to say those three little words all women wanna hear.
Serena: "I love you?"
Joey: Um"I love you"that's, uhexactly what I said
Luna: (ahem) Now, back to your destiny
Joey: How about NO.
Luna: Well I was really hoping you'd accept. I mean, I did reveal the identities of the Sailor Scouts to you
Joey: Oh don't worry about that. I couldn't care less about this whole Sailor Scout thing.
Luna: Well there is this whole "balance of the universe" thing that will be destroyed if you don't accept.
Joey: Well then the universe can BITE ME! I wanna enjoy my life!
Luna: If you want to put the enjoyment of your life into question, we could very easily swing this argument my way
Joey: Uh-ohgot that bad feeling coming
Luna: Did you enjoy any of what these girls have put you through this week?
Joey: Of course not!
Luna: Then I must to inform you that they are capable of far worse things.
Joey looks over to the girls, who all give him big smiles, except for Mina, who has clung to Joey's arm again. Joey immediately breaks down and cries.
Joey: YOU WIN! I'LL DO IT!
Luna: I knew you would see things my way.
Joey: What do I have to do?
Luna: Umkeep delivering us pizza, I suppose.
Joey: That's it?
Luna: Yes, for the time being.
Joey: I could have done that without this whole "destiny revealed to me" thing.
Luna: And you will also have to do it wearing this outfit.
Serena hands Joey an outfit that looks just like the rest of the Sailor Scouts'.
Joey: NOW THAT'S CROSSING THE LINE!
Luna: Fair enough. I guess your regular pizza delivery uniform will do.
Joey: Sois that it?
Luna: Yeah.
Joey: Then I'll just go now.
Luna: You do that.
Joey shakes Mina off and walks out of the room. Before he reaches the exit, he bumps into Raye's grandpa.
Joey: (thinking: I'm gonna get something out of this.) They said you'd handle the bill.
Grandpa: Really? That girl should learn that she has to pay for what she orders.
Joey: Uh-huh life sucks now fork up the cash.
Grandpa: How much is it?
Joey: $100plus tip.
Grandpa: Again?
Joey: Yeah. Strange world, ain't it?
Grandpa: [handing Joey the money] I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here
Joey: So am I.
Joey walks to his car and looks back. The girls are waving back to him and Mina is holding up a sign that says "CALL ME!". Joey puts his hand in his pocket and realizes it's filled with paper notes with nothing but Mina's phone number on it.
Joey: [shrugs his shoulders] Why not? I have a feeling she'll just keep trying anyway.
With that, Joey gets in his car and heads back to Donnie's.
-
Joey back at the pizza place
Joey: Thank God that was the last delivery of the day!
Frank: It's closing time, alright!
Joey: Well today hasn't been as insane as usual, but it sure was depressing.
Frank: Feeling down, eh?
Joey: It's just that I'm being blackmailed into delivering pizzas for, most likely, the rest of my life. Though I have a feeling this was all just an elaborate scheme for those girls to get easy access to pizza.
Frank: At least you know you'll always have work.
Joey: As a pizza delivery guy?!
Frank: To each his own.
Joey: (sigh) I need something to get it off my mind.
Frank: Well maybe a paycheck will help. [taking out a check]
Joey: I guess money would help alleviate the sorrow. But then again, it'll probably all go to my psychiatric bills. [looking at the amount] WHAT THE HELL?!
Frank: You earned every penny.
Joey: $20???!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THAT MONEY I RIPPED OFF??!!
Frank: You mean the tips? It was very strange. When I put it in your tip jar, itdisappeared. Yeeaaahhthat's the ticket!
Joey: Urgeto kill
-
Years later at the Castle of Neo-Queen Serenity in Crystal Tokyo
Joey: [knocking on castle door] Hello! Pizza guy!
Neo-Queen Serenity: [opening door] You have come at last
THE END!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for even taking a peek at this fanfic! Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it!