Insecure
By: Psychotic Tanuki
I beg you to look at me, as I am—as my true self. Everyone sees me as a girl who protects with her sword—shed what you know of me and look at me as I truly am—an insecure woman, no more, no less. Let me show you the inner depths of my heart.
Do you know who I am? Of course you do.
At least you think you do.
I am simply a woman, who is in love with Himura Kenshin. The complications of being in love with such a man are so numerous I've lost count and the pain so addictive, it's comparable to opium. It hurts to look at him and know I can't touch. It hurts to talk to him and not be able to say all of what I want to say. It hurts to sit in his company and know he sees you as an innocent little girl incapable of wrong. And it hurts to know that I can never completely heal his soul—it hurts to know that I can never completely erase his pain. It hurts to know that I can never make him truly, 100% happy. It hurts to know that once upon a time, there was a woman who could.
Yukishiro Tomoe, I do not know much of her. I know that she was beautiful, graceful, determined and was the most important person to influence Kenshin's life. I could not be more grateful to any other person who ever lived, and yet I could not be more envious.
Does Kenshin long for her, does his heart ache for her, and does he still long for her to be by his side? Will he ever stop longing for her, will he ever love me that intensely, and will he ever move on? Is there enough room in his already broken and battered heart for me? But most of all, I wonder, if I die will he carry my memory, will he carry me within his heart? I know I'll carry his memory with me for all of my life, and he has never left my heart. Day in, day out these thoughts plague my mind as I watch him, never knowing that I watch him.
I know that my place in his heart (if it's even there) will never surpass Tomoe's. She saved him from the madness of the Hitokiri, she saved him from insanity. With her soft, gentle hands, she mended the cracks in his heart and gave us the man he is today. It makes me wonder, if Tomoe-san and I switched places, would I have been able to do the same? Without a doubt, I have no qualms that she would be able to take my place with ease. How can I, a measly tanuki girl, ever hope to live up to her glory?
Once my gratefulness and my envy subside, my self loathing and my imagination corner me. If she had lived, would Kenshin still be with me? No, of course not. They'd be living in a cottage somewhere, happy and peaceful with lots of kids and I—I'd be alone in this dojo preaching my father's legacy. Then, maybe, just maybe I'd have been able to fall in love with a nice boy and live a happy life too. After all, I'm no replacement for Tomoe, and perhaps Kenshin would have had a happier life, without the burden of Tomoe's death weighing down his already burdened heart. Sometimes I resent her for dying. Sometimes the flames of hatred burn deep within my heart.
She was so perfect. I bet she had beautifully soft, womanly hands and a demure look about her. I bet you she had dark mysterious eyes and soft silky hair. I KNOW that if she walked by, men's hearts would skip a beat. I bet she was patient and that her voice was quiet and beautiful to listen to. Oh, how I loathe her. She is everything I want to be, and everything I'll never be. But how can I truly hate someone who obviously had such a beautiful soul? Sometimes I wish I could, it's so much easier to hate her, to mutter profanities at her. But I can't, not truly and any words I do utter in spite—I don't really mean them.
However, how can I even think these horrible thoughts? How can I resent Kenshin for loving her? I have no control over who he loves, I have no control over anything he does—I never did. I have no control over what he thinks. Even if Kenshin returned my feelings (sometimes I think he shields my feelings, which makes me feel even worse), even if he told me he loved me, I wouldn't know what he thinks of me and it's obvious he holds Tomoe in the highest regard. Sometimes I speculate whether or not he compares us in his head whenever I do something unladylike or annoy him. I can just imagine him thinking 'well…Tomoe never hit me with a bokken".
Dear lord, I'm so childish. I have a grudge against a dead woman just because in some weird, twisted, and perverse way, I wish I was her. During the fight with Enishi, Kenshin fought without inhibition. He fought with a grace that I never knew he possessed, and in the heat of battle he pronounced his answer to Tomoe. Even in death, she had given him a calm, a peace so powerful that I could never hope to give him. Shortly afterwards, I nearly pulled a Tomoe myself.
I was scared, oh so scared. I remember my pounding heart as it beat against my rib cage. I remember crouching over his kneeling body to shield him, and I remember thinking Dear God, don't let me die .I'm so selfish. I can't even sacrifice my life correctly. I wasn't thinking of Kenshin's life, oh no, I was thinking of my own as Enishi's watou hurled towards me. I bet that Tomoe didn't think of herself while she was dying. Not that it matters, I came out looking heroic and we both came out alive. Megumi-san would say that it was just my survival instinct coming over me, and maybe she's right. However, it doesn't help me rid the guilt.
I've never forgiven myself for that. The whole world revolves around me and what I think of Kenshin's thoughts of me. When I'm all alone, and I have nothing to busy my mind with, my thoughts wander. Often, the topic of much pondering has been, If I were more like Tomoe, would Kenshin like me better? If I were a demure woman, or if I was not a woman immersed in the world of kendo, would he be more likely to love me? If I were gentler, would they all look upon me with the same respect they look upon Megumi-san, Toki-san, Tomoe-san and nearly every other woman we encounter? I am more than just a girl with an impossible ideal. I am so much more than what they see me to be.
I know the world of hiding too. I'm not always a happy, lively person, I can feel sad too. Whenever someone else is sad, I've always asked what I could do to help, because I know what it feels like to be sad. All I want is the same courtesy from the people I respect, a genuine sign that they care, not the chiding "Oi Busu, stop moping, you have nothing to mope about." Yahiko is only a boy, but his words affect me just as much as Kenshin's words do. I know he doesn't like to see me unhappy, it shatters the image they have of me. Still, I wish they would allow me to feel openly, I wish I could tell someone these thoughts.
Until I realize what a complete selfish, horrible, and absolutely annoying person I am. Tomoe gave her life to save the man she loved and in return Kenshin spent ten years honoring her memory. What I feel is insignificant to the pain, suffering and deception they both had to live through. Although I may be stronger physically, I cannot doubt the mental strength of Tomoe and Kenshin. I know what pain and suffering is, I can understand what it feels like, but I have never experienced it to the extent they have. Its at times like these, I am completely disgusted with myself. I put on the façade that I am completely understanding of Kenshin and Tomoe's relationship but that's the farthest thing from the truth. I don't understand it at all!
I don't need to understand it, but I want to accept it; I know that nothing can change the past. Like I said, sometimes I think life would've been ten times easier if Tomoe had never died. Enishi would've never gone insane, Kenshin would be happy, Tomoe would learn to be happy with Kenshin and I would've lead a happy life too. Part of me still doesn't acknowledge that Tomoe existed, but to do so, it would dishonor her memory. I think the first step to overcoming these incessant, inane thoughts is to accept that Kenshin has loved before. I have to let go of that stupid little image of a prince whose been searching for his princess his whole entire life, it's not fair to me, to Kenshin and least of all to Tomoe. I have to stop holding Kenshin's image up to that of a prince and with that, the last remnants of my childhood dreams. However, there is only one itty bitty problem between me and acceptance.
When Kenshin dragged me to Kyoto to pray at her grave, I begged for her to let me take care of Kenshin, that he was safe in my hands. Only afterwards, did I realize, could I take care of him better than she did? Did he even want me to take care of him? He told me that he had told her "I'm sorry, Thank you and goodbye". He was sincere. I know he was. However, it still doesn't give me peace and the worst part is I know exactly why.
I'm jealous. I'm jealous of the relationship they once had. He was so intense with her, so intimate and with me he's kept an arm's distance. I want to be important, I want to be close to him but he keeps me at a safe distance. It's frustrating and it hurts, each time I think about Tomoe and Kenshin I stab a knife into my own heart. I really wish that I could knock myself out and get amnesia. To forget this torment would be wonderful, but at the same time to let go of my memories of Kenshin would be horrible.
I probably sound like a jealous little girl, who wants to keep her prince charming. I admit, part of me is like that. It's a part of every girl isn't it? We all want our prince charming to come and sweep us away—but now, ever since Father went away—I've had to let go of that image. I've had to grow up. Still part of me clings to that image, but I know one day it'll be gone. One day I will look back and my heart will be light because tomorrow is another day, another step closer to becoming an adult.
For now I have to deal with my jealousy. Now, I cannot possibly dream of a relationship with Kenshin. I'm 18 years old, I'm not a girl anymore, but I've never had any womanly advice or help, I don't know how to become a woman, I'm stuck somewhere between. I'm learning though, I'm learning. Perhaps when I do become a woman, my feelings will fade, perhaps the person I will become will need someone else. It's not a happy thought, but my most sincere wish is for Kenshin to find contentment within himself. If that means he needs to leave I am most ready to let him leave. I will not chase after him again because I have no right to chain down his free spirit. He has given me so much, and he has taken away so much from me as well. He had opened the door to my own journey, my journey to become the person I've always wanted to be.
Often I have wondered what I would say to Tomoe if I could've met her. I think I have a semblance to what I'll tell her in the future though, but I'm in no hurry. I've no wish to die early.
I would tell her thank you, she has given me the greatest gift I could've possibly asked for. She has given me the strength to know what love is and not what my fairytale idea of it had been. It's not only happiness, acceptance, and contentment, its all of those negative emotions—jealousy, fear, sadness, selfishness, greed—too. I hope that one day; I too can be like her. She was so loved and I wonder if she knew that, I want to be loved like that too.
Do you think less of me?
Do you think I am out of character? If so, I must ask you—what is my character? Who am I? Can you tell me who I am? Can you tell me a definite outline of my character without stereotyping me, without diminishing what I feel? Do you know me so well that you could dictate what I would say, or how I would act if you put me in certain situations?
If you can, I wish you would tell me.
"Kaoru-dono, are you alright? You seem distracted that you do." I turn to look at Kenshin, his concern is apparent and I can't help but feel happy. Even if doesn't love me, he cares and that is enough. But right now, I believe that I am confusing Kenshin with my unexpectedly long silence.
"No, but I will be."
Thank you Tomoe, for saving his soul during the Bakumatsu and thank you for making him happy and most of all, thank you for showing me the door to happiness.
AN: Well…this…this came after much diet coke, much pissed off-ness, and much introspective thinking into the characters and how we as fanfiction writers rarely give justice to the delicate complexity that Watsuki gave each and every single one of his characters. I doubt he even knows the full extent of each of the characters he gave life to. Maybe I'm just looking into this way too much, but I think that the most misunderstood characters are the ones we pass off as easy to understand and therefore characterize them in a stereotypical way.
But I can understand why we do so; it's easier to fit them into our plots and our stories that way. If we were to pay complete attention to the inner turmoil of all the characters it would prove verbose and boring to read.
That's why we have introspective pieces. ^^ If I've offended someone, I'm sorry. I really debated whether or not I should post this or not and I decided that I should. If someone thinks that I shouldn't have I apologize in advance.
Let me know if I should continue this, or leave it as a one shot. This is just scratching the surface and this chapter is my take on the whole 'Tomoe versus Kaoru" and what Kaoru probably would think of Tomoe and her relationship with Kenshin. Then again…this is just my speculation.
*Ducks flying flames of s*** as people get ready to flame me*
Please…don't scorch me too much…